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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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wwyd, family and possible intervention by SS needed.

157 replies

laughlovelife · 14/05/2012 14:06

I have a family member who has 2 children under 8, the house for me is beyond livable, it is filthy, said family member sleeps on the couch as bedroom cannot be used, due to clothes, beer bottles, dirt, etc... so sleeps on the couch (all it needs is a good guttering/clean, but said member is far too lazy) The children have to share a single mattress as said member would rather spend her money on immaterial non essentials.

There is no food in the cupboards, children dont get fed in the house, they are dirty/smelly, (they dont get baths) live on takeaways, and by the looks of things, that's their only meal a day.

Stayed this weekend, at said members house, the quilt is disgusting, its yellow stained, actually scrub that its brown, its completely boggin, their was no soap, tooth brush, loo roll, the children are wiping themselves with their fingers, or using towels, the oldest child's mouth is ulcerated, however is getting dental treatment for it. The Kitchen is disgusting, takeaway cartons mouldy, no clean plates etc... the house is immacrated in dog hair also, and the dog lives in the kitchen.

SS I believe were involved a few weeks ago, however did not visit the home, they were involved I believe because the oldest was "self harming" this turned out to be false, and was I believe a skin condition.

They are in a different county for where I am, (still in the UK) the condition of the house was so bad that I had to check my family in a hotel, because we were given a single quilt for 4 of us, 2 adults and 2 children, it was filthy, and smelled of stake urine.

There is no talking to this family member they wont listen, said person is NOT depressed, its just complete laziness, they would rather watch TV than feed the children. (example, children last eat on the Saturday at 5pm, and did not again eat until 4.30pm the next day) where I took them to be fed. (chippy)

There is ALOT more to this, but that is my main concerns.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 14/05/2012 15:15

MrsDV is so right. Once you've made that call and set the wheels in motion, it is out of your hands completely and you have to be aware of, and prepared for, the consequences.

Of course OP is worried about the children, but she is also worried about herself and her own children and what her actions will mean for the future.

However, laugh you do need to phone. Those children will be going back to that house tonight. They will wake up in it tomorrow. And until someone does something, it will not change for them.

You will be doing the right thing.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/05/2012 15:15

Do as Mosman says - deny any involvement. Lie your head off if you need to.
Tell SS that you are really worried about being implicated and what might happen if you are.

If you do get found out you are going to have to live with it. What is the alternative? Realistically you are going to end up reporting them at some point anyway. Do it know and save those kids a few more months/years of living like this.

Is there any chance of you offering to take them (but if there is DO NOT take them on a 'voluntary placement' or you will be buggered, get advice first)

TroublesomeEx · 14/05/2012 15:15

Good luck. x

DaenerysTargaryen · 14/05/2012 15:16

I'm not blaming you, I honestly know what its like to be in this situation :(

In my case I do remove a certain child from a family member when necessary but I can see that its not possible for most people to do that.

Now you know the extent please don't let your family bully you into not acting on behalf of these children. Good luck and please let us know how it goes

verytellytubby · 14/05/2012 15:18

I'd rather be disowned by my family than sit by and let children live in terrible conditions.

Good luck.

CremeEggThief · 14/05/2012 15:18

Well said MrsDeVere and Folkgirl.
I'm not sure why so many gave the OP such a hard time. Some people need to think things through and process what they have seen before acting. The OP is in an incredibly difficult situation, and while her first loyalty should be to the children, it's not helpful criticising and blaming her. I would be surprised if most of us didn't need any time to come to terms with this.

ImBetterThanYou · 14/05/2012 15:19

Report, the mother may be your sibling but she is your adult sibling capable of making her own decisions in life, these are your young neices and nephews living in horrible conditions who don't have much of a say over major decisions.

Report and then lie if you need to - claim that it couldn't possibly be you as you live in another country.

TroublesomeEx · 14/05/2012 15:20

It sounds like your family think they can manage it themselves and don't want strangers poking around.

To the extent where they are keeping it hidden from you. They're not stupid, your family will realise it's wrong, but they're in denial and are too close to the situation.

Sometimes it takes someone a bit more removed (which you are geographically if not biologically or emotionally) from the situation to see something for what it really is.

ImBetterThanYou · 14/05/2012 15:21

Good luck :) and if you feel guilty, just think of those children who will soon be going to sleep in a clean comfy bed with full bellies and your sister who finally got some help to pull herself together.

solidgoldbrass · 14/05/2012 15:27

It sounds like your sibling does have MH issues, no one lives like that because they are 'lazy'. However, she can't be forced to accept treatment for herself, but SS can take the DC into care to protect them.

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 15:28

I have not once said she should take the kids ( although it doesn't seem like their mother would care - she doesn't even feed or clean them ) but how she could just drive away without calling social services from the doorstep if necessary seems amazing to me. I wouldn't need time to think about this ... If my family wanted to disown me I'd say good riddance

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/05/2012 15:34

I am not sure how anyone can say what they would do in circumstances they have never experienced.

We know what we think we would do. We dont know what we would do.

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 15:35

Well, hand on heart, I have 3 siblings and I would not hesitate to call the authorities if any of their children were being neglected and abused like that
The adults have a choice - those children dont

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 15:45

Im waiting for a phonecall of a friend, (just called her) (children's social worker) as I took photos of the house, she is in a meeting, and is calling me back, as Ive sent her the photos and have said what is the next step, as I also have the school number

And what do you think she might possibly say is the next step?

a) Call Michael Flatly and learn to do the River Dance

b) Call Social Services and report them

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/05/2012 15:46

I hope you never have to know just how hard it is to be stuck in the middle of a family/social services intervention.

It is the second most stressful thing I have ever been involved with. Second only to the illness and death of my daughter.

I would do it all again but only if I absolutly, totally had to. It is not something I would wish on anyone.

It HAS to be done but it is not an easy route to take.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/05/2012 15:50

Please ring social services directly - I honestly don't think you have time to wait for a friend to ring you back. This is too urgent for anything but the.most direct action.

And well done for caring and not just turning your back on this issue - your nephews and nieces need an adult on their side.

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 15:50

I appreciate it's not easy .. But the Op will probably not be stuck in the middle of anything seeing as she doesn't even live in the same country

trumpton · 14/05/2012 15:53

County ! Not in the same county ! But in the same country !

GangstaGranny · 14/05/2012 15:53

Here's another idea, not sure how well this might work but possibly an option. Neglect is a form of child abuse adn generally child abuse isn't just one episode but a culmination of several different parties raising concerns. Is there any way you can get the kids school involved so the referral to SS can feasibly come from them? I haven't a clue whether this would work or not but the school must be aware of the kids being dirty, possibly badly dressed and hungry. Perhaps there is someone there who you could contact in confidence over the phone who could help by making the referral?
Please don't slate me if I'm talking out my arse, just trying to help

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 15:55

Trumpton the op meant country

gnocci · 14/05/2012 15:59

No trumpton. OP clarified - she meant country (but still part of uk) eg scotland and england

ragged · 14/05/2012 16:02

I understand why it's so difficult, OP. The worst part is that OP's reporting to SS may achieve nothing in the long run, except to cause an almighty & irrevocable family row.

Don't know what I would do. No perfect answers.

squashedbanana · 14/05/2012 16:08

Can you talk to the school OP? Then if they agree there are concerns they can refer to SS, then you can say with a clear conscience you didn't speak to SS and there will be no repercussions for you. For all anyone may know one of the kids could have said something at school which triggered them to refer to SS

DaenerysTargaryen · 14/05/2012 16:08

How can it possibly achieve nothing? if she tells ss the details of how these children are living then ss will have to act in some way, the dc will be better off, the house will be cleaner, there will be food or they will be taken elsewhere.

NunWithADirtyHabbit · 14/05/2012 16:12

You need to call the duty referral & assessment team at your family members council. Personally I wouldn't give my name but you can tell them about their previous involvement (which would hopefully help them to see this is not a malicious call) ... you could suggest when they make a visit they could claim it was a follow up to the initial referral made my school.

I know how difficult the situation is .. and you already know you have to do this. Good Luck