to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

Would dd2 not benefit also from having a sister at private school. In our family dynamics I think it would set very clear expectations on the first child that would filter down through the family.

sue52
I don't!!

Would moving to the catchment of a really good state school be an acceptable alternative? Maybe your ex might contribute to costs if his dd could then access a good quality free education which would then also be available to your other dc.

Me neither upahill.

My DB went to private school, I went to state. As an adult I do understand the reasons they gave my DB this opportunity and not me, although I can't help thinking I could have done better at private school than I did - I don't think that resentment would be there if we'd both gone to state school.

It didn't 'filter down' to me to strive to do as well as him, it filtered down that his education was important and mine wasn't. Be careful what message you pass on to your DDs.

If there is any way you can afford it for both (and do call the school in question and ask if they give discounts for siblings, you might find what you and DP need to find is far less than your XP needs to find for DD1), then go for it, although I would also suggest you are going to hate yourself if your DD2 is doing badly at the crap school - you should look at moving/saving now for her, if it's not good enough for DD1 I can't see why it'll be ok for DD2.

Sue52

I find it strange that people would put their desire to have another child over the wellfare of a child that they already have.

nods in agreement with boneyback

This is the reason some have just one child but it's not just about waiting another child I'm sure some parents look at the other benefits and weigh up giving a child x y and z and giving them a sibling or multiple

Boney! Having another child is the greatest gift you can give to the previous one. Surely. Having a sibling, a lifelong friend and supporter, there long after the parents have popped their clogs?

Would I rather have my siblings than all the tea in China? Yes!

If your dp is saying that it would also be unfair to send children to different school if one got a scholarship and the other didn't, then he is being completely irrational. He is also in the comfortable position of being able to say this without having to prove it using his own child to do so. I don't believe that he would deny his daughter a chance to a better opportunity because his step child couldn't have the same, I think he's just saying that to add weight to his arguement.

My dh is step father to my children, we don't have dh together, but I asked what his opinion would be if we did and we were in this situation. I'm very pleased (and relieved!) that he said he would support the older child having the opportunity because he loves his DSC and woud want the best for them. He also said he woudo feel crap and as if he was 'letting the side down' by not being able to do the same for his own child, but that he would work an extra job to provide the same for his own child. I knew there was a reason I married him!

Well that's fine Solo, if it's all happy clappy like you have suggested, but I bet there are a fair few people who haven't all had the John boy Walton style sibling experience.

BoneyBack - oh come on... really? ^"I find it strange that people would put their desire to have another child over the wellfare of a child that they already have."

Over the welfare? You make it sound like sending one's child to state school is akin to sending them up a chimney from the age of 4, wearing nothing but clothes fashioned from newspaper. And before you hoik your bosom in response, so speaketh someone in favour of private education!

I also think you need to leave worries about your dds feeling resentful in the future out of your descison making process.

Your dd1 could feel resentful about being denied an opportunity that was available to her if you dont do it and your dd2 could feel resentful that she didn't get the same opportunity if you do do it. You have no way of knowing which thing is going to cause the most resentment, and both descisons have the potential to cause an equal amount of resentment, just about different things.

Reminds me of the fact that our irritating, status-obsessed neighbours once told me the reason they were only having one child was so they could send her to private school. I remember thinking this was possibly the most hideous, suck-the-soul-out-of-parenthood response anyone could give to that question.

If in a few years time your dp's salary greatly increased and he was in a position to send dd2 (and dc3) to private school would he then reconsider and send dd2 to state school instead because dd1 didn't get that chance and it kept things fair?

ladymuckbeth

I posted in response to some having another child to the detrement of those that they already had, not private/public schooling.

Solo

You are making many assumptions about siblings. Read some of the threads on here about how siblings get on or don't as the case maybe.

Another child is a gift you give to yourself, you don't give them to your children.

BoneyBack - I have no idea what you are on about sorry. In no way did I say The BDad had to bend to the will of the SDad. Try reading my post again.

I would also point out the the OP

using Solo's greatest gift reference.

How do you think DD1 is going to feel when she is told that she can't have private education because
1/ OP's DP doesn't want her too
2/ DD2 might be resentful
and
3/ We wanted another child

there is a couple of thousand pounds worth of therapy just there, but thats OK because the ExP will pay but only if the new DP will let him.

I'll start by saying I don't know the answer. But I think a lot of people are assuming it's a straightforward choice - you must do what's best for your DD1, or you must do what's fair for your DD2.

I think the thing to remember is that there are a lot of people involved in or influenced by this decision: the ex-husband, DD1, DD2, and the new partner. So there's never going to be a solution that makes everyone happy. If DD1 goes and DD2 can't, then, yes, DD2 will almost certainly be resentful about it, and DP will be mightily pissed off too. I don't really see that you can avoid this.

On the other hand, if you don't send DD1, then it's quite possible that in years to come she will be resentful about it and you will probably upset exH too.

I think my choice would be to move house so you're somewhere near a really good state primary you could send both girls to (and DC3 if you have one). But I don't know if this is a a realistic option. Alternatively, send both kids to the local state primary and ask exH to subside DC1's private tuition/extracurricular activities if necessary.

If DD1 were already in private school before DD2 was born ... would your DP still want to make her move to state to even things up? (just musing)

Chippin

I read Your post as

DP is assumed to do alot for DD1 his wants and needs some come before the ExP.

Hence ExP bending to the will of the DP.

I haven't read the whole thread and feel very bad commenting. If this doesn't chime then just ignore it.

My parents split and remarried, producing households with different wealth. Both had new kids. One of the things I really liked about them, and appreciate more as I grow up, was that the richer parent (my Mum) did NOT give money for me, she gave money to my Dad to help keep me, in the expectation that he would make good decisions for that family and hence for me. That's not only a moral position, it's a legal one-child maintenance does not have to be accounted for as spent only on the child (what if it is used to pay the ehating of the whole family, for example).

I don't like your ex's attitude, stinks of 'my spunk, my cash, my child' and then dumps the actual choice on you. Surely he can see the difficulty this causes, and that it would be better for your DD to either offer to support both children a little or, if that is not enough, not offer such a favour?

I also think you need to remember the choice you made-to live with a man who earned less, to muddle through financially, because you loved him and thought he was great for your family in other ways.

None of that answers the dilemma, but I'd be on the phone to your ex spelling it out and asking wtf he thinks that is a positive thing to do to his daughter. He's pretending the rest of you don't exist.

This is a very difficult situation. My sister and I were sent to private school while my brothers went to state (one to a very good grammar and one to a not so good comp). There is no doubt that sis and I grew up with a different outlook on life to our brothers, we have better careers, different speech and earn more. But that's not all there is to being successful and happy as an adult.

I have a friend who really struggled to send her children to private school, her son totally rebelled, works in a factory and spent a long time on the dole. Her daughter doesn't speak to her.

This really is such a tricky situation, whatever decision you take will upset someone. I don't agree that it's for your current partner and you to decide. Your DD's dad should have equal say.