to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

No-one saying that going to state school is punishment. But saying that your father cant spend money on you for something beneficial because of the financial circumstances of the mums DP does seem unfair.

If you would be equally happy the boot was on the other foot - if your DP had a child living with you who had another parent funding private school but it wasn't possible because of your situation or choices to pay for the child you had together to go then yanbu. If in that situation you would say it is unfair then yabu.

I grew up in a split/ blended family. Maybe times have changed, but as a kid I had no concept of 'good schools'. School was just school.

If my sibling or step sibling been given tangible advantages over me, such as clothes, bedroom furniture, holidays etc, I would have felt bitterly resentful.

But I can't imagine even thinking about who went to what school. Perhaps in adulthood, your younger child might feel resentful of her older sister, but by then she would also be old enough to understand that your ex was paying etc.

It's as big a deal as you choose to make it.

This whole sibling friendship thing is over-rated. If they have compatible personalities, they will get along, if not, they will drift apart as they grow older.

It is very selfish to deny dd1 opportunities because dd2 may not have them. It is your job as a parent to manage the natural jealousies that may arise.

You cannot let dd1 miss out, it was not her decision for you to get remarried or have another child. So why should dd1 suffer to make dh and dd2 'feel good'?

Perplexed, maybe your DP needs to know that making the decision to educate differently doesn't automatically result in sibling rivallry. My DH won a bursary to a very expensive public school. At the time, while his father was comfortable there was no way that he could have afforded this education for DH's sister and so she went to the local state school. FILs business took off and by the time that another 2 children had come along he was very affluent and could have afforded to send his other 3 DC to public school too.

But he didn't. He judged that the other 3 children were doing just fine at their state school and wouldn't necessarily benefit from the move. (Now I have to admit here that this may not have been the decision I'd have taken but there you are). Many years on, DH is a successful businessman, his 2 sisters successful too and, ironically given his"lesser" education, his brother the company secretary of a major international bank, the name of which you would immediately know if you heard it. And the kids, now adults in their 40s and 50s? Never once was there or has there been an argument about them over their different education and they are to this day all very fond of each other - in DH and his DB's case it's almost comical, they adore each other.

While I am all for as much fairness as possible, I am also aware that in blended families, it will not always be the case. Your DD1 will have better opportunities because by virtue of her being born to a dad who has money. She will likely have better holidays, extracurricular activities, and no need to worry about paying for uni. She will also miss family time with your household every other weekend because she's with her dad.

As DD1's father is very active in her life, he has much more of say in her education than her stepfather. Your DP can make his wishes well-known but the final decision rests with you and your ex. If push comes to shove, your ex can afford to take you and your DP to court over it.

I do worry that if your ex gets remarried and his future wife might have a say in their finances just as your DP has a say in your finances now. Will your ex still able to pay for private schooling? Will there be a contingency plan in case his financial circumstances change? These are things that need to be worked out ahead of time.

If they have compatible personalities, they will get along, if not, they will drift apart as they grow older

Agree with this and have seen it time and time again, over multiple issues rather than school. OP at least if you went ahead and had DC3, and gave the DD2 and DC3 the same, that would minimise it a bit no? A sort of two-against-one scenario?

Also I think your DD2 would have a lot more cause to be resentful over the after-school activities she's not getting that DD1 is and I really think yourself and DP need to redress that balance if possible.

Maybe this has been covered but asking your X is not the solution and he'd be perfectly right to tell you to sing for it...

I know the dynamics are different but in our family DS going to private school and DD doesn't. We didn't intend for this to happen but when DS was bullied at juniors and there were no places at local schools we used it as a stop gap until secondary, at which point he didn't want to leave.

In the same was as the OP, we would have to sacrifice a lot if DD were to go to the same school. We did ask her and she said she didn't want to go.

IMO I don't think they'll notice until secondary level. Would the financial commitment be less of a strain then?

And sorry if that's been said/the conversation's moved on - I only read page 1!

i think you should let DD1 go to private school

my OH came from a split family... then 2 families joined

Him and his brother had a private education, OH ended up at oxford, they now run their own company and employ lots of people and have created jobs, and pay loads of tax to hmrc... fantastic for the whole country, surely?
... which means that can offer a private education to all our children... (though we live very close to a wonderful state school where we intend to send our children, so long as they are happy there)

his step siblings went to state school... didnt do that great (but neither that bad)... they didnt go to university. But they too are leading happy family lives, living in their own homes, and work hard in their jobs but will not be able to send their own children to private school either. Dont think this matters, they too have nice state schools, and the children are happy / doing well

To think that OH / BIL should not have had the education they had, (paid for by biological mum and step dad), because is fathers, new partners children couldnt is absurd IMO

Children should be given all the oppertunities possible... its not DD1s fault that DD2s dad cant afford the same... and DD1s dad has as much say in her education as you IMO

as for it being "fair"... life is not fair and the sooner they learn this the better IMO... and who knows DD2 may be able to get a scholarship or something?

I taught in the nursery in a private school and there were several scholarships / bursaries avaliable every year.... perhaps DD2 might be able to apply for one of those, and at least she could still wear DD1s expensive uniform

A few weeks ago, there was a thread saying a family could not afford to take the dss on holiday. The overwhelming consensus was that it was unfair on him not to have the same hols as his half siblings, even though he was having a holiday with his mum. Why is thus different?

One of my siblings went to private school, the rest of us didn't. It suited him but wouldn't have suited me for example. Of she has the opportunity to go, I'd send her

Perhaps this too has been mentioned but if not, turn it on its head. People are speaking of family relationships and family dynamics. What are DD1's relationships with you, OP, and your DP, if she gets to, say, 14, 18, 21, whatever, and learns that she could have gone to independent school and had all that it brings but that she missed out because her mother's partner didn't want to allow it? Because there's been talk of resentment, you want resentment I can't think of an easier way of causing it than to give in to DP's demands.

I'd also be interested to know if the DP will put up the same fight or argument when DD1's father suggests, for example, that he takes her on holiday to the Maldives. Is DP going to try to block that too on the grounds that he can't afford to take DD2?

Born2BRiiiled

I think that it was because one of the DSS parents was paying for the holiday, so it was felt fair that they should include all of their children.

In this case it sounds like the DD1s father only has the one child, so is not excluding any of his children.

Your DDs are in different positions. One gets to see both parents everyday. The other (I assume) does not. I am not saying that the fact that she does not live with both parents means that she needs to be compensated for this (it sounds like you all manage this well), I am just saying that she may be resentful that differences that work in her favour are taken away from her on the grounds of equal treatment, whereas other differences remain.

Wine I completely agree with this.

It is impossible to ensure both daughters get treated exactly the same in this scenario. For example, you don't insist that your DD2 sees less of your DP, simply because your DD1 can't see so much of her father. Why insist on equal treatment in other respects that might benefit your DD1?

OP, it seems pretty obvious that if you and exH had stayed together, your DD1 would be going to private school. It seems to me that you should try to ensure as far as possible that your decision to separate from exH does not adversely affect DD1. That means, IMO, you should let her go private if you and exH think that is best for her.

Graham, I think you can explain your decisions to your children when they grow up and even if they don't agree, they will know you had their best interests at heart.

What is more important to a child - making the social contacts you make at private school (which is why most people send children there) or having a close relationship with siblings? You'd probably want both for your child, but you have to be careful not to stack the cards too high on one side.

...but ultimately I am going to have to spell it out to him that parenting DD1 is mine and her father's responsibility

Right - now think about that statement.

Who lives with her day to day? Who hugs her when she's upset? Who reads to her at night? Who picks her up and drops her off to school/friends? Who cooks for them/plays with them? Who is actually sharing the parenting with you?

Her BDad does sound like a great NRP (frame him - they are rare!!).

Both men need to respect the position of the other.

IMO DD's BDad has every right to want her to attend Private School (if he is willing to fund it without it impacting on the money he normally gives you for her) and to have the opportunity to do after school activities etc that he can pay for. She's still his DD and he clearly wants the best for her, which is lovely to hear. It is not his problem that your new DP cannot afford to do the same for his child however it might be nice if he talked to you about how this will affect both of your DD's if he's always funding stuff for her that your other DD is unable to do. Maybe he would consider paying for DD2 to do something with DD1 for DD1's benefit - surely he has to realise that in the long run if he is continually doing stuff for DD1 that you can't afford for DD2 it will cause upset between the girls & make DD1 unhappy?

By the time DD2 gets to Junior School age the JS might be a very different place and if not, then you will need to look at what is best for her (out of catchment, moving etc).

Even if they were both your DP's girls I would say you need to look at each child and see what is best/most suited for each child.

Have DC3 if that is what you and your DP want - life has a way of working itself out!

They might have different Fathers but they are sisters and should be treated equally. If you're sending DD1 to a fee paying school because the state one is not good enough, what message will that send DD2 when she attends the local school.

Haven't read all the posts but if it was me I would go back to work full time and send both. That is actually what I am doing and I am hoping it is the right decision.

Also, returning to the scholarship example.

Some have said it's not the same, because a child who wins a scholarship has done so by their own efforts, and both children had the same opportunity.

But what about if one child wins a scholarship simply because they were born much brighter than the other child, or with some particular talent that the other doesn't have? In that case it isn't true to say that both children had the same opportunity and one has simply made more effort. It's down to sheer accident of birth - just like DD1 and DD2 here.

Solo, I'm forty-something and I would still be questioning whether my mother had my best interests at heart or whether she was more interested in appeasing her partner if she had declined this offer of funding for my education.

And you really think that most of us send our children to independent school in order to make social contacts?!

How come the local junior school that you are unhappy with and think is rubbish isn't good enough for DD1, but it's good enough to send DD2 to?!
Wow. Nasty of you.
You said you could give up on the idea of trying for a 3rd and going to work fulltime and that would enable you to pay the fees. Well, do that instead then.
To send one to a good school and let the other make do with one that to your own admission is inadequate, is massively unfair and will cause resentment between DP's AND children.

I think you should let DD1 go to the private school.

As others have said, you and her father have to work out what is best for her. If that means going to the private school then that is what she should do.

When your DD2 gets to the relevant age, any number of things could have changed. Either of you could have promotions/higher earnings. She might not like the private school. The local school might have improved. You might have won the lottery.

I think your DH's response regarding the scholarship illustrates that this isn't really about fairness. I think he is basically fighting for 'his' child to have the best on offer in the family (and if he can't do that by providing the money for private school, he'd rather ensure that 'best' is a level he can reach). That's understandable, but does it perhaps point to deep down insecurities about your ex earning a lot more than him. Are there issues there?

I think all the arguments about it not being 'fair' on DD2 are, to be blunt, bollocks. She has something her sister will never again have - both her parents living with her full time and loving each other. You could equally say that she is unfairly advantaged compared to her sister - but most people realise that life deals us different hands and we can't always all have the same of everything.

Chippin

If the Ex has PR why should he bend to the will wants of the new partner?

We have seen threads on here where the RP won't let the new DP of the Ex in the house, or moans when they attend parents evenings.

In the end the Ex's responsibilty ends with his DD,

Very difficult situation.

But what's your DP going to say when your DD1 gets lots of other financial advantages that your other children don't have? Has he thought about that yet?

Personally as others have said I'd send them both private,work more hours and forego DC3.

I think it strange that people would rather spend money on school fees than have the joy of another child.