to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

so, your DP gets to parent your DD1 most of the time (if her F has her every other weekend) but you are going to spell it out to him that his opinion doesn't matter?

:S

I think it has a massive potential to cause a rift between siblings. One will be the "'chosen" one, but on top of that they will have very different cultures and will each be part of a different community. This could well exacerbate any rift between them,

(I have been to both private and state myself - left private - my own choice at 13, to go to a state school!).

I think it has a massive potential to cause a rift between siblings. One will be the "'chosen" one, but on top of that they will have very different cultures and will each be part of a different community. This could well exacerbate any rift between them.

(I have been to both private and state myself - left private - my own choice at 13, to go to a state school).

oops sorry!

Adela, why should exH pay for dd2 or worry about the OP's family? They are not his family, only dd1 is. It is a good thing that he is putting her needs first, because it seems OH's DP is not.

Current DP sounds a bit of an ass, sorry! It is one thing to feel insecure, but another thing to expect a child to make sacrifices just to cover your own feelings of inadequacy.

I wonder if he will resent dd1 no matter what...and make snide comments when she goes horse-riding or for exotic holidays with her dad? I feel sorry for a child living with an adult who does not love them unconditionally and is competitive and suspicious about the opportunities she is offered.

I don't think you can make a decision based on what ifs and potential rifts.
You don't know what life may throw at you that may cause rifts and disagreements. I do think it's important that you take advantage of opportunities that come your way though.

Isla, why is it that siblings don't get on? Isn't it almost always to do with money, jealousy or the idea that parents prefer one to another?

Obviously siblings have different personalities too and might rub each other up the wrong way, but why give them the ammunition to threw at each other?

The Waltons? Ha! If you knew us, you wouldn't say that.

I'm really surprised that some people think ExH should supplement dd2, even to the extent as someone suggested, that he cover her school fees. What happens if dc 3 comes along, does he have to cover that too

I would also add that if your ex earns a lot because he "works long hours", that in itself is because you and your DP are providing childcare and working less. Your DP and you are effectively subsidising your ex's earnings (since he wouldn't make them if he had to do the same childcaring) and then having those earnings used to create a potentially massive problem you two will have to deal with. Ex, in contrast, gets to fantasy parent backed by his wealth.

Sorry to be so negative, but unless your ex can see these points, the same situation is just going to run and run in other forms for ever. Whatever decision you make about DD1 (and it is balanced) you need to make him see the problems he is causing, and how his attitude is unrealistic.

Just want to to say that you have some really good advice here from people from experience.

I can't really help I'm afraid (other than I went to private school and my 2 siblings didn't - only due to the fact I was born when they were 15 yrs and 18 yrs - huge age gap!)

I really hope you and your hubby and your ex work together to sort this situation out. I'm sure things will work out just fine.

Flatbread

Because DD1 is part of that family. Because he earns what he does because that family exists. Because he trusts the OP and her DP to make all the day-to-day decisions, so thinks they are good parents. He can't freeload to that extent, and then pretend all that doesn't matter because he has made a decision for his child.

Good points, Adela.

PerplexedP, what is good for the whole family will be good for your elder daughter, surely. I hope you can make your ex husband see that.

Sudden thought - I hope he's not doing this deliberately, in order to stir things up between you and new partner, or to show off about his wealth?

For what it is worth, personally I would take the cash and send DD1 to independent school.

But I'd also tell the ex what a selfish, silly man he is and ask him not to play such games again.

And if I couldn't do both, I wouldn't do the first.

I see that there is a slide towards the Ex is being a dick.

I wonder how long it will be before we get to controlling etc.

Even when all things are equal different children need different sorts of schools even if they have exactly the same parents. DD1 has the option because her father is able to pay - there is no reason why she should be prevented from going. DD2 can go if you do not have another child and if you work full time OR you can tell DD2 and DC3 that they could not go because you and their father could not afford to send them. The circumstances are different. If DD1 does go though, what stops you from moving house into the catchment of a better school.

Chances are, as they have different genes they may need different things from a school anyway. DD2 has the advantage of living with her birth parents which is a huge benefit denied DD1.

No easy answers but speaking as someone who personally wouldn't choose to send their child to private school -
I would move to an area that would ensure catchment to an outstanding school.
The money you spend on a private education is spent and gone. Money spent on a house in good catchment area will be repaid if/when you sell.
Your ExH might invest in the property instead of paying school fees and you could return part of the profit you make (that is if you sold afterwards).

I knew children who went to private schools who were little sh*ts because their parents were wealthy and they took everything for granted and thought it was their right.
Others at a fee paying school near me were really bullying/snidey to pupils on scholarship (didn't think 'Oh you are clever enough to be here I'm only here because my parents pay' )
And if you scrimp and save every penny your child is going to be with much better off pupils which puts them at a social disadvantage.

Currant situation withstanding, I wouldn't have DC3.

This is a non-brainer, as someone else said - You don't have DC3. You go back to work, and provide equal (better) opportunity for DD2.

So, if anyone is to suffer, it will be you (working hard, and not having a DC3) and not any of your DDs. Which is the way it should be.

I'm not saying the ex is a dick (well, not in so few words...)

What I'm saying is that all three adults in this have their choices made by what the others do. The OP (and maybe her DP?) can't work longer hours or shine for promotions because they have day-to-day care to do. They have to choose, if they are lucky, between moving and having more children. Ex earns a lot more and so has more financial options because of the same fact: if he was caring for his DD daily the OP suggests he would not have the option to send her to private school.

I'm quite happy to believe he really loves his daughter, and has simply given no thought to how this affects others. But there is something very unrealistic about narrowing the situation down like that-both ungrateful to the OP for her continuing part in his wealth (because she isn't actually giving him cash) and insensitive to the broader needs of his daughter. Whatever the OP does, that point has to be made to him, or he will continue to act as if his warped view is true.

Agree with you 100% Cote

This sounds like a recipe for disaster from an inter-family relationships point of view.

I think the only fair thing to do is to let DD1 go to the private school and then absolutely bend over backwards and do whatever it takes to make sure that DD2 can go too.

Adela

Where does the OP say that DD1s father would not be able to afford private school if they were still together?

I would do it. Different kids will get different opportunities.

Fair, not equal is how we try to run our house.

The only thing I would consider is how you are going to manage with two different school runs.

She says in the OP that he attends what events he can because he works long hours. This suggests his job is one which would be unsuited to having fulltime care of DD1. Therefore, I assumed his high income was also dependent on that.

That doesn't mean he would not be able to afford it "if they were still together", since the same situation with childcaring might apply. But it does mean, surely, that his ability to afford it is determined by her and her new DP's childcaring?

And he doesn't seem to recognise that at all.

I can see this is a tricky one but I agree completely with marriedinwhite (& others who've said the same).

Good luck & hope it doesn't cause continuing aggravation for you & your DH &exP.

Of course you can do this. Half-siblings have different parents with different priorities. It is quite pointless to try to treat all half-siblings "the same".

I do, however, think that you are being unreasonable to try for DC3 if your finances are going to already be so stretched that you cannot afford extra curricular activities for your DC2.