to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

vivi no one on thsi thread has expressed any anti-private school opinions

sending dd1 to private school and not dd2- is debatably fair or not fair
sending both to state school is debatably fair or not fair
making sacrifices and sending both to private school is undebatably fair

(i think?)

Thanks everyone, I didn't expect to get such a strong response! Have been debating with DP all morning but I don't think we've really got anywhere. He thinks it is equally unfair to let one child go to a private school when they have a scholarship and their sibling does not.

To be perfectly honest, at this stage his only reasoning for not wanting DD1 to go doesn't have a lot of substance beyond a feeling that it is not fair for 'his' child. I know a lot of you have pointed out that

As so many of you have pointed out, it's the sibling bond that might suffer if DD2 perceives DD1 as having a greater chance in life and similarly DD1 may feel she is in some way special. If they were both a few years older I might feel that it could be explained in a way that might help them accept things without being detrimented in some way but DD2 is 4 and I worry it will imprint on her in some way that she is less important than DD2.

Does dd1 have half siblings on her fathers side? Because if so, you need to take into account that they may go to private school. If so, you cannot make it fair for dd1 aga

I would let DD1 go to private school. It isn't her fault that her parent's split up (I'm assuming she would have gotten to go to private school had you remained together) , or that your OH and yourself can't afford to send DD2. Her father wants to pay the school fees and he should have a say in how his daughter is educated.

It is difficult, but consider how she would feel when she is older knowing that she was denied this opportunity?

Your circumstances by the time DD2 goes to school could be different and you may be able to afford it then.

I say this as someone who was state educated at a good school, but wants to send my DD to private school (a long way off, but still!), and am willing to go back to work full-time to fund it.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

Against all her siblings, sorry.

This is a really tough one obviously but your dd2 hasn't even started school yet. By the time she is ready for juniors, you may be more than ready to go back to work full time.
Or, would moving somewhere where both dds could go to a good state school be feasible?

Your DP needs to sit down with you calmly to discuss the possibilities. Ideally all 3 of you should get together to talk it through. Surely your ex must realise what a tricky position he's putting you in? (Although, obviously his priority has to be his own daughter's needs.)

Let us know what you decide!

You have to do the best you can for each child. At the moment you think that the private school is the best one for your DD1 and her father agrees.

When the time comes you must also do the best you can for DD2. Nobody knows what may happen in future, you may be in a position to send DD2 to the same school, the junior school may be just right for her, you move to a better school catchment, or she may have some opportunity (thinking musical, sporting, academic scholarship) to go somewhere entirely different. Holding DD1 back just in case seems cruel to me.

But I would, admittedly, not consider having the 3rd child so that your daughters both get the best education you can provide them.

Tbh, I think the only way dd2 would get that impression was if someone planted the idea in her head. She'll simply grow up thinking 'I go to x' and 'dd1 goes to y'. A big thing doesn't have to made about it and thiga will
Be fine. Growing up I went to state school and my brother went to a private school. I never felt less special or that they love him
More!!

If when they grow up your daughters are unhappy about the choices you made for them, you can always show them this thread as proof of how carefully you thought about it!

Also, children will always find something to throw at you, so you'll be held to account whatever you choose.

Perplexed - I am surprised about your dps view regarding scholarships.

How would he feel if one dc was offered the chance to play in Manchester United's youth squad, would he seriously stop them just because dc2 wasn't?
Or replace that with any opportunity.
I think your situation is different because your dp is not dd1's father.
I am guessing that she will have far more money thrown at her in all aspects of life. Help with uni, wedding costs, deposit for big, nice house to live in a much better area than her sister etc etc.

I guess the problem here is that although children and adults have to see the very unfair ways in which money does buy opportunity, at least in most families that opportunity is confined to outside the family unit. Your case highlights this unfairness because one sibling will have far more opportunity than the other, within the same family household.

I would start saving to give your dd2 the same opportunity.

It's not fair that your dd1 had to go through her parents' divorce. Life isn't fair.
In my family, some of us went to state and some went private, depending on the child and the circumstances. It was never an issue at all.

I get the feeling from your posts that your DP is somewhat jealous and it is mainly the jealousy that is preventing DD1 from going to the private school.

Posters have also dais that in sending DD! to private school you are making DD2 feel second best.

By not sending her you are putting her feelings below those of your DP and DD2.

Does DP often put his "foot down" when DD1 gets "better" things than DD2?
i.e. DD1 has to share whereas DD2 has her own things.

Sorry for not reading all the responses but I have to say I think it would be a terrible thing to send one and not the other. You say you wouldn't be able to carry your lives on "as planned" if you paid for DD2 to go to a private school, but surely adapting your lives so that both children can be treated equally is the ONLY way to say yes to either of them attending in the first place? I mean, it would be one thing if you were saying that you simply couldn't afford for DD2 to go, full stop - that is an unequivocal challenge and stops you in your tracks. But are you seriously contemplating starting a lifetime of different treatment of your children because it messes with your lifestyle choices?

If it were me, and if you knew that you couldn't afford for DD2 to go, I would sit and discuss the problem with DD1's father. If I were DD1's father, I'd like to think I would have nothing but respect for the equal consideration you were showing for your children. I'm sorry to say I see nothing but problems ahead if you put them through different schooling because one's father has the ability to pay and the other's father doesn't. Incidentally, my closest female friend who I've known for over 20 years, had a similar thing where her much older half-sister went to state school, her mother remarried and had my friend and by that stage there was more money so she went to a very good private school. Now my friend is 42 and her sister 55 and they are STILL scarred by this disparity in their upbringings, even though it was sheer happenstance.

Good luck with going forward, it's such a tough thing. We are in the process of looking at both private and state schools for our twin girls and it's an incredibly emotive subject no matter which way you turn.

From what you say DD1 is already enjoying advantages which you cannot afford for DD2. IMO this is probably going to cause more immediate problems than the school.

• why cant I go horse riding/skating/whatever?
• because we cant afford it
• but Mary goes
• yes but her dad pays for her
• can he pay for me?
• no
• why cant my dad pay for me?
• because we cant afford it
• IT'S NOT FAIR

IMO the school isnt the problem. You need to sort your finances out to improve parity between DD1 & DD2.

I think that it is one thing for XH to be taking DD1 to activities when she is with him. It is quite another thing for OP to take DD1 to extra activities paid for by XH and then say to DD2 'sorry darling you cant come because your daddy cant afford this'.

Cindarella springs to mind!

Absolutely Gnome. I have to say it sends shivers down my spine - children are so prone to feeling less than or hard done by, even without such obvious signposts as these!

It may not be such a big problem for your girls as you think. Your DD2 is just 4 and will be excited at starting the school that DD1 is just about to leave - whether it is to go to the junior school or to private school. That gives DD2, 3 years at her big sister's school (a long time for a child). It also gives you 3 years to think about her education for Y3, whether it is investigating bursaries, finding a better junior school and possibly moving, or even promoting the not so good junior school to DD2 on the basis of her being settled and staying with her friends, and, you never know, the school could actually improve in 3 years.

This is a really tricky situation and I can only add my experience of being in a similar situation. The difference being that I have 4 older stepsisters who stayed with their mum and their father became my stepdad. For some reason, I was the one who went to private school, paid for by my stepdad and not my bio dad. The rift this caused between me and my step-siblings was huge and it was many many years before I could comprehend their anger towards me. Of course there was much more to it, (primarily that I was living with their dad) but the whole
'opportunities that they were denied' has been used to beat me over the head many times, and I would say it took around 16 years for us to finally get a decent relationship. Again, not all due to this but I would say a huge part.

Funnily enough, when I was 16, my step sister was born (my bio-dad, not my mum, so we've never lived together) and his financial position was entirely different to when i was born. My 1/2 sister has been, and still is, educated privately at one of the top schools in the country and a very very far cry away from the school I went to (even though it was also private). Even though I was privileged to have the education I did, I even now at 33, feel pangs of jealously of what she is doing. As an adult, I can understand all the reasons why she should go, but as a child - especially if we were living together?? - no way. I would have been extremely jealous. I really don't think I would ever choose to put my children in that position.

It is the extras which I think would cause the problems not whether or not the school is paid for.

IME kids dont like school that much so arent that interested in who is paying for it as they arent that keen either way!

The extra activities could cause a lot of immediate resentment eg DD2 having to sit in the car while DD1 trots up and down on a pony.

A while ago there was a thread about whether or not a poster should sign her DS up with a big football club. What shone out from that thread was how that commitment could impact other members of the family.

For your DP to want to deprive your DD1, which costs him nothing, because he is unable to provide the same for his DD, is not fair, IMO.

I think DD1's father has more right to decide on his (and your) child's schooling than your DP, especially given he will be paying. Your DP has no right to have final veto. If I was your exH I'd be really annoyed. He is obviously a caring and involved father, and divorce does not remove his rights.

I would send her, no question. Have you considered that all private schools have to provide assisted places and bursarys in order to justify their charitable status? DD2 may be be entitled to apply for one of these as priority is often given to siblings. I attended a private school, and both my best friend and her elder sister attended for a nominal fee as their mother was a widow on benefits.

I'd give DP a few options. Either he can

1. Find a way of earning more so that DD2 can go to an independent school too

or

1. Give up his job and home educate DD2, therefore giving her a first class, one-to-one, individualised education

or

1. Shut the fuck up and leave the decisions about the schooling of my DD1 to me and her father.

"Why should dd1 be punished because you and ex split up and you set up a new family? If she has a good opportunity you shouldn't deny her it. Ignore the people who are anti private school ideologically. Don't make decisions on 'maybes' in the future. You might never have a DC3. You might see a great job advertised that you want but it is full time."

Nobody's arguing from ideology. Apart from you, by saying that going to state school is "punishment"!

But the DP isnt the lodger. DD1 is part of his household. Will he be expected to drop DD1 at school/ponyriding/skiing lessons when OP cant make it and he cant afford these for his daughter?

I'm sorry but dd1 should go. Her dad should decide her education with you not your partner. It's not fair to deny her something so good because your DP can't afford it for dd2.
Children aren't the same and you may find dd2 doesn't want to go.