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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:42

I don't need to read between the lines, there is plenty on the lines thank you, when you attempt to discredit what a woman says by calling her silly it doesn't do your position any favours.

When the line is that an adult will resent a child, there is no hyperbole needed. If he didn't mean it, he shouldn't have said it.

DD1 hasn't done anything wrong. If the DP continues to avoid her and starts to resent her, she will understand that she is not very important in her immediately family, there is some between the lines for you.

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 08:44

the kids might have different fathers but they have the same mum and you should not be showing favouritism and believe me, there is no way your dc2 is not going to bitterly resent this further down the line. If you are determined that dc1 should go to private school you should work full time so your second one can too.

doormat · 14/05/2012 08:47

morloth oh i have seen the lines too...i dont just pick and choice...i can evaluate from all the facts thankyou

melika · 14/05/2012 08:48

In my heart of hearts, it is wrong to send her to the private school. The younger one will feel second best all of her life.

catsareevil · 14/05/2012 08:48

How is she showing favouritism? She is splitting her resources equally. They just have different fathers. Favouritism would be to deny one something that cost her nothing because the other couldnt have it.

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 08:51

Neither DD needs to suffer re education. As OP said before, if she goes back to work DD2 can go to private school, too.

And that is what she should do. If anyone will suffer, it should be the OP (working hard, not having another baby) and not any of her children.

saffronwblue · 14/05/2012 08:57

I think it is not fair to forbid DD1's father to pay for the education that he
(and you) think will be best for your child.
This is going to come up in different guises all through your daughters' lives - one has a rich Dad, the other not. It is not fair to your older daughter to deprive her of opportunities so that your current DP does not have his ego dented. As adults you need to work out as a family how to frame this so that DD2 does not feel she has missed out and DD1 does not feel guilty. DD1's dad may want to buy her a car, pay for her to study abroad, pay for a more lavish wedding than you can. This is going to keep arising.
DD1 should not have to live in a kind of fake unnecessary poverty so that she matches her sister.

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 08:59

Perhaps favouristism isn't the right word but I'm pretty sure it's the one dc2 will use. It's a terrible thing to even contemplate and I'm appalled. If the OP wants that lifestyle she should work for it. Otherwise why not send both to state and use the money for BOTH to have extra curricular activities and tuition etc.

catsareevil · 14/05/2012 09:01

Having the money to pay for extras for both isnt an option open to her. The DD1 father isnt giving her a pile of cash an telling her to do what she likes with it.

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 09:08

So she needs to have an adult conversation with her ex. One in which both children are firmly in mind.

LunarRose · 14/05/2012 09:08

DP asked me why I was angry typing last night. Interestingly he totally disagreed with me and felt that one child shouldn't be held back from the opportunity because their was only the money for one child to go.

He did add that basically the OP has basically turned round and said her DP isn't good enough, which will probably kill the relationship anyway.

"And if her dp is also getting the impression that the sun shines out of the ex's behind, while he only earns half the salary and can't even provide properly for his own daughter, well it's game over really."

I totally agree with Suzikettles when she says this. If this is something that has built up over time I can quite see why the OP's OH reacted the way he did, not saying he was right..

So ethically if something that is right for the child but wrong for the family, where does the balance lie?

catsareevil · 14/05/2012 09:12

So ethically if something that is right for the child but wrong for the family, where does the balance lie?

But no-one will be in a worse position here. The DD2 will have no less money spent on her than if DD1 goes to a state school.

LunarRose · 14/05/2012 09:12

Incidentally I really do think if the ex is such a decent bloke would work with the OP AND DP to find a solution that works for the whole family.

EssentialFattyAcid · 14/05/2012 09:13

Your duty is to do what is right for BOTH your girls - and I would say that you need to send both to good schools.

Can you move house to be near a good state school?

If DD1 goes to private school then you should send DD2 as well. And if that means no DC3 then imo your existing children take priority over any planned future dc.

Your dp most certainly needs to be involved in this decision and should not be sidelined because it's not in fact a decision about DD1, it's a decision about the whole family, of which he is a key part.

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 09:15

"So ethically if something that is right for the child but wrong for the family, where does the balance lie?"

  1. Ethics has nothing to do with this issue, as it is not a moral one.
  2. Parents need to do their best for each child, not hold one back from a readily available opportunity with a potentially huge beneficial effect on her whole life
  3. If anyone is to suffer, it should be the parents, not children. That means, OP should go back to work to pay for DD2's private school fees and forget about having a third baby.
CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 09:18

"if the ex is such a decent bloke would work with the OP AND DP to find a solution that works for the whole family."

As in, "Pay for our DD2 and a future DC3 so our kids get great education, we get to have a DC3, and I don't have to work"?

Err... No. That is a completely unreasonable expectation.

LunarRose · 14/05/2012 09:22

DD2 is in a much worse position. Her parents are at loggerheads with the potential to break up and will be going to a school that her mother believes is not good enough. If she does get to go to private school it will mean her mother will be around less, a decision many parents of children in private school find a hard one to work through.

Op is in a position she did not want to be in. she wanted to be working part time and have another child. She is at loggerheads with her DP.

DP has to live in a house where what he provides is considered not good enough. He actually cannot possibly do the right thing by everyone.

Actually it's DD1 who comes out of this best whatever happens. She has two parents who even if they don't live in the same house still think the world of both her and each other; and a privileged lifestyle and education

Clytaemnestra · 14/05/2012 09:26

"DP and I are just not seeing eye to eye on this one. He is now saying that he will never forgive DD1 if we don't have DC3 because of her and has stomped off to his mother's house."

This is as much a threat to OP as to the DD. Because what it says is that "I will punish your DD if you make a decision I disagree with"

That would be a deal breaker for me really.

Clytaemnestra · 14/05/2012 09:28

"If she does get to go to private school it will mean her mother will be around less"

That holds for DD1 too though, DD1 won't get her mum more than DD2 if her mum is working to send DD2 to private school!

FioFio · 14/05/2012 09:28

The child hasn't even started at the junior school yet. You are frightened about hearsay Confused

LunarRose · 14/05/2012 09:29

No I think there are still other solutions that are less divisive and show less apparent favouritism. Moving to a better catchment, seeing if the state school works for DD1 THEN if it doesn't making the move (not about what each parent can afford but about need), private tuition etc

I do agree the best solution for the children is for Mum to go back to work and give up on the 3rd child. But in all honesty I see no reason why her DP should accept this either!!

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 09:30

Yes indeed it's a deal breaker. So what the OP should do is dump the dp, find some other guy and have dc3 with him. Because that would make things so much better.

LunarRose · 14/05/2012 09:34

I think actually although he is miswording what he is trying to say is that I will never forgive you if you put you DD above our joint plans for the future, what we wanted for the future.

People say silly things when they are upset. he's had somewhat of a shock. He really needs tie to wrap he head round the situation

LunarRose · 14/05/2012 09:34

not tie time

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 09:35

OP is not in a position she didn't choose to be in. She is in the position that was waiting to happen when she chose to have two children by different Fathers. The second child didn't just happen, she was wanted by her parents when they were in full knowledge of the fact that they already had a child, and one parents already had a commitment to the Father of the first child, and the child herself.

This situation is an obvious consequence of a previous choice. By choosing to have dd2, OP and her DP accepted that there would be difficulties along the way for their family. This is one of them.

We all have to live by the choices we have made, and the OP and her DP have to do that now. The ex had no choice in being part of this, he had no choice when it came to his child having a sibling that had to be considered, so it is unreasonable to expect him to compromise on what he thinks is best for his child.

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