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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
Morloth · 14/05/2012 04:12

Nope, there isn't any translating and I am not really a believer in slip of the tongue, if it comes out of your mouth then it was in your head.

If he really did say he would resent DD1 then he is a twat.

I dunno, DD1 has two parents, why should she miss out on an opportunity because of her step father's wishes for his daughter? From what the OP has posted he hasn't been very interested in the DD1 since he had his daughter.

Honest to God? If I was the non-custodial parent and I heard this was happening to my child in their home then I would be having a long hard look at changing the custody arrangements based purely on what was best for my child.

The DP is putting his DD ahead of his step-DD. I understand that, as the Ex is putting his DD ahead of the DD2 as well. It has placed the mum in a very sucky position, but none of it is the DD1's fault.

Mayisout · 14/05/2012 04:28

Yes, if he really did say it.

You want your children to get ahead in life but mostly you want them to be happy.

Fee paying school doesn't = happy to me.

Morloth · 14/05/2012 04:41

Not to you, but if it does the DD1's father then why does DD2's father get the final say?

aurynne · 14/05/2012 06:09

I haven't had time to read all the answers, so I am sorry if this has been already suggested:

Imagine the situation is like this: you, OP, were married and had a DD. You were the main earner and made a considerable amount of money, while your DH earned less/took care of DD. You divorce, and your DH keeps your DD and remarries a woman who makes very little money. They go on to have a child and are planning a third. You know they will never be able to afford a good school for your DD, so you decide to pay her a private school. Your ex-DH's new wife refuses and does not let you pay for your own DD's school, because "it would be unfair on her children".

Would you think this is reasonable?

weedoll · 14/05/2012 07:09

Depends on the age difference in your DDs. If they are close in age then I'd say it would cause too much competition and later resentment. Is it not more important to you to have daughters who are friends in later life and love each other than super successful? It's a difficult one because we don't know what will happen in the future, it could open doors for Dd2 through friendships with Dd1's school chums. So I'm going to say its only reasonable if there is an age gap of >6 years. Good luck whatever you decide.

diddl · 14/05/2012 07:21

If OPs partner is pissed off that the ex can afford something for his daughter that he can´t for his-why isn´t he, with OP, looking at ways to afford it?

I´m sure OP would like both daughters at the school.

RachelF1989 · 14/05/2012 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smurfy1 · 14/05/2012 07:31

My sister and OH have 4 kids the 2nd youngest is extremely bright, as in mensa, she got a scholarship to a private secondary school and in 1st yerar she is sitting GCSE's my sister and OH sisn't even consider not sending her when the other 3 were/ will be going to state schools, as in their view as a p[arent you have to do what is best FOR THE CHILD not them and they made sure the others knew the reasons why etc did it very well as no resentment from any of them (infact her 15 yr old brother gets her to help him revise lol)

RachelF1989 · 14/05/2012 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 07:45

"don't blame your DP TBH. You have absolutely put your commitment to DD1 before your commitment to your family as a whole"

No, she has not! There is no such thing as "commitment" to a hypothetical DC3 that may or may not arrive in this world in some unknown future.

OP and her DP have a commitment to their existing DDs. It is in these DDs' best interests to have a superior education. ExH will pay for DD1, and if OP works, they can pay for DD2. They will not have another child because they can't provide the same opportunities for him.

It is an easy choice. Not any more tragic than the reasons for which most of us have not had one more baby. DP is being an arse.

OP - He doesn't love your DD1. Having another child with this man will only isolate your DD1even more Sad

vincettenoir · 14/05/2012 07:47

I have a friend who went to a comp when his older brother went to a private school. The older brother is now CEO of a large company and my friend has an ordinary job. He is one of those people who is always showing off and every now and then he admits it's because he's pretty insecure. Based on my experience I would say this is not a great idea. Also I don't think you should go ahead with this unless your dp 100% supports it.

redwineformethanks · 14/05/2012 07:49

Op hasn't said how strongly her ex feels about private school. Not sure he's insisting on it?

I'd consider moving to an area with state schools you would happy for both DDs to attend and let ex save up for Uni fees, deposit for a flat etc

As DDs get older they will have a better understanding of people's different finances. Eventually DD1 will benefit financially from having a wealthier father, but while they're younger, perhaps it's better to treat them the same as best you can

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 07:54

vincent - Your experience is that the sibling who went to private school has done very well for himself while the sibling who wasn't has an ordinary job. And this shows private schools are not a good idea - how?

doormat · 14/05/2012 08:20

if the OP got accidently pg i suppose alot of you on here would ask her to reconsider so she could send her dd2 to private,,,

this thread has got to be one of the nastiest threads i have ever seen in my life.....all most of you have done is badger the OP and her DP, judged their characters etc and all because she has asked your opinion....

it would not suprise me if some of you posters have placed a huge wedge inbetween this couple with your sniping, insinuating comments that the DP is an arse etc....go and look in the mirror before you all start casting judgement on others...

Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:23

My opinion of the OP's DP being a twat is based purely on what he has said. If the OP did not wish to receive opinions then she did not have to ask for them, nor tell us what he said or what his actions were.

A grown man saying he would resent a small child is a twat. There is no way of getting around that in my mind.

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 08:25

Nobody would tell her to abort, if that is what you are insinuating Shock

If she were already pregnant with DC3, we would give different advice based on those different circumstances. However, she isn't, and this is the advice she is getting: maximize the welfare of your existing DC.

dexter73 · 14/05/2012 08:27

doormat - what advice would you give the OP then?

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 08:27

What Morloth said.

In addition, a grown man saying he would resent a child sounds like he already resents her.

doormat · 14/05/2012 08:32

morloth she also said her dp was great stepfather material before she moved in with him...cant you silly women read between the lines

dexter my advice is to treat them both the same....but it hasnt happened from OP neither....

TandB · 14/05/2012 08:32

I find all the speculation about the relative merits of the DP and the ex a bit odd. The ex sounds like a perfectly reasonable man who has consistently done his best for his only child. They do exist!

The OP listing his good points in her first post would not in any way equate to thinking he is better than her DP- that is if her DP was also behaving like a reasonable human being. The OP would be able to acknowledge that her ex is a good man without her DP showing up badly in comparison. BUT, the DP isn't behaving particularly well and I can't see how the OP could avoid making comparisons between their behaviour. It's not as though she is comparing two equally invilved, loving fathers for her DD1 and favouring one because of his money - she is comparing a loving father to someone who is disinterested in her child and yet doing everything in his power to stop her having something his own child won't have.

I find it even more odd that people have suggested that the OP should berate her ex for his "selfishness" or even that he is some machievellian character who has made this offer purely to disrupt the OP's household. There is NOTHING in the OP's information to suggest that the ex is anything but a dedicated father and a decent human being. There is, however, a considerable amount of information that would raise concerns about the DP. Not implication, or hints about the OP's attitude - actual facts about his behaviour and his own words.

I agree entirely with a previous poster who asked people to consider what they would think if a woman posted that her ex wouldn't agree to private schooling for her child because his new girlfriend wouldn't like it. I can't imagine that many people would be supporting the ex.

This would be a completely different situation if both children were already being treated equally within the family unit and if DD1 had the love and support of two parents within the family home. Unfortunately it is abundantly clear that she doesn't. She does however have the love and support of a non-resident parent and I think he should be allowed to continue to do his best for her.

CoteDAzur · 14/05/2012 08:33

If she was wrong back then about DP being "great stepfather material", does that mean she is lying about what he said yesterday?

TandB · 14/05/2012 08:35

"can't you silly women read between the lines"

Yes. Fortunately we can also read the actual lines and not get distracted by the big gaping holes between the lines that can be filled with wild speculation and hyperbole.

And no-one is "sniping and insinuating" that the DP is an arse - they are coming right out and saying it.

BabyNinja · 14/05/2012 08:35

Everything kungfupannda said.

OP - don't let a man who is actively disinterested, and by his own words admits he resents your DD1 make such an important decision for her.

saffronwblue · 14/05/2012 08:37

I'm jumping in late to the thread to say that I think DD1 should go to the private school. You are one family but your daughters have different fathers - and because their financial situations are different, the girls have different opportunities. It is disingenuous to pretend it is otherwise.
DD1 may get a better education but DD2 has the pleasure and security of living with both her parents.They will take their cues from you and your DP whether they feel resentful of each other's situations.

doormat · 14/05/2012 08:38

cote i wonder why...not a nice comment but i can read between the lines...

why on earth cant the bio dad take her pony riding, et all.....just because he work long hours he has already caused dd2 to feel inferior to her sister with all her extra curricular activities...

bio dad should do this on his own time and not drive a wedge between a family.....it has already caused resentment from dp...and no doubt dd2 will soon feel it if she hasnt already