to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

Bogeyface - she hasn't. She has already said he was cautious with her at first, then warmed to her, then they decided to have a baby together and since DD2 was a baby things have gone slowly downhill - so over about 3 years things have gradually got worse.

I think she probably, like lots of people do, kept hoping things would get better. I think this has brought it to a head by showing his attitude up!

Yes, basically. They both get the same food, but how do you stop a father buying clothes for his child? Or paying for lessons she wants? It's only going to get worse as she gets older.

It is a sad situation, but I feel that if the DP hadnt had such a jealous attitude to DD1 it would not have been such a big deal. It might be uneven, but no-one is worse off, and one person is better off.

Do you want to help everyone do as well as they can, and take advantage of all opportunities, or do you want to press everyone down to the same level?

Suzi - it doesn't need to be quite like that. All the money should go into the pot. Bills etc paid, girls treat the same at home, but if DD1's father wants to pay for additional things for her then why shouldn't he? If he wants to pay for ice skating lessons, riding lessons etc he can - I think it would be nice/decent of him to pay for something that the girls can do together (it needn't be expensive - Brownies, gymnastics or whatever) as his 'treat' - but it's by no means obligatory.

cats - exactly. Even in families where the children have the same bio parents, the opportunities for the children aren't always the same - whether this is through what the school is offering that year, treats with friends, advantages due to talent/skill/academic achievement/the parents income levels being different throughout their childhood.... that's life.

The X sounds like a decent bloke

If you put yourself in his position, then you would totally understand why mum wouldnt want to lavish money onn dd1 if she was a single parent/broke and dd2 had to go without.

Of course he wants the best for his dd but dd2 is her sister- they live together. He wouldnt want to create that kind of dynamic for her would he???? (school is slightly different, but activities etc)

I think he would understand that money he gave as maintenance would go in 'the pot'. I would in his position. he can spoil her when he takes her out. How does X treat dd2 OP? does she ever go on day trips with them? does he ever buy her gifts? etc etc

I am a comprehensive school girl and I have 2 DC at private school. I wouldnt ever consider sending one but not the other as they would grow up in a completely different world, with very different opportunities - they may even have different accents. My Dc dont sound much like me at all.

I would seriously consider sending them both if you can afford it. Or find an alternative good state option

I am smiling a bit at this idea that the x is fantastic and the dp is a deadbeat, although tbh I kind of get the impression, reading between the lines, that it's what the op thinks too... which may be some of the problem

Fair enough Chipping, I missed that. And I agree that this has just shone a spotlight on something that the OP was hoping wasnt that bad.

If I could wave a magic wand I would get rid of the DP and get the OP back with her ex, he sounds fantastic!

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD

this in OPs OP, suggest strongly that X is decent, is a committed father and has his childs best interests at heart. Dont you think so?

its bleeding obvious current DP is a nasty piece of work

Your DP is going to destroy your DD1 if you let him.

If I was her father I would be giving serious consideration as to whether it was OK for her to continue living with this man.

What a horrible situation. Still at least you are getting to find out what he is like now instead of later.

How could any of this possibly be DD1's fault? How could she possibly be responsible or deserving of resentment from a grown man because of the decisions of the adults around her?

He sounds like a complete tosser.

It is a really shit situation, but you need to remember that none of it, not even the tiniest part is DD1's doing, even if he can't.

Yes it does. She does talk about her ex being marvelous and her dp being shite. I really don't think it bodes well for their relationship, that's all.

And if her dp is also getting the impression that the sun shines out of the ex's behind, while he only earns half the salary and can't even provide properly for his own daughter, well it's game over really.

I also got the impression that the op is not all that keen for the (d)p to parent her dd1 tbh. Not that this excuses him being an arse about all this.

what a horrible DP you have! Why does he hate your dd so much? There is no justification for his behaviour. I agree with the others- STOP ttc and find someone deserving of you and your DDs.

The private school dilemma is the least of your problems right now!

Bogey - we'll both hold that particular wand shall we :) However, as the OP and DD1's father weren't together when she was born, I think we are pushing shit uphill!!

My God!
I am sorry, but his comment about never forgiving DD1 if you don't have a DC3 is unforgivable.

Your DD1 didn't ask to be born, and she was in existence prior to him being around, it's not as if you sprung her on him as a surprise .

Please do not have another child with him.

The issue here is DP. Having one DC in independent and another in state is not the end of the world, and many have posted, there is a reason for it (different father) and the possibility that in the future the family can stretch to going independent for DC2. However, this all depends on DP: if he can be persuaded that this is a positive opportunity, fine, if not, there is a real risk that the family will blow apart. Persuaded is perhaps not the right word, DP has to wholeheartedly be behind the decision by his own volition.

Your problem is with your DP, not the schooling. He has the emotional maturity of a 4yo.

Consider the needs of the children rather than the childish.

You & ex want the best for your DD. That's a very normal take on parenting. You've come up with an idea and it sounds like a good one.

Presumably you and DP also want the best for DD2. So look at her needs and provide for those. Looking at DD is irrelevant at this point. The whole new partner envy thing is very immature and deeply unattractive.

You actually could offer DD2 a similar life if you both worked more, asked for sibling discount and used DD1's hand me down uniforms.

Or you could put more time and energy into helping DD2 with schoolwork and any after school activities. This could be the cheaper option.

But you won't get anywhere until you've kicked that DP into touch.

Poor you OP your dp sounds like a nightmare!

Re schooling, I think you should go back to work full-time and send both girls to the private school. Maybe your ex would help a bit with the fees for dd2?

He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

So sun shines out of exs fundament in OP's view. Funny such a perfect being is an ex.

DP got together with OP but from what she says, despite being around 24/7 (not every other weekend like more than perfect ex), is a waste of space. And despite, no doubt, being compared negatively to perfect ex by OP is not allowed to pass on anxieties about separate schooling and, despite having to live with constant better fathering by perfect ex, is not allowed to blow his top over continuous interference which will have BIG implications on his, his DD, stepDD and OP's future lives. And bugger all implications for wonder dad, the ex.
How unreasonable of him, NOT.

I think you should take up the place for DD1 as that is what you and the child's father think is best for the child and she wil benefit greatly for this and it is not taking anything anyway from your second child.

He is now saying that he will never forgive DD1 if we don't have DC3 because of her and has stomped off to his mother's house.

I feel like I am constantly made to feel like I am a terrible parent who is favouring DD1 whenever I pay attention or spend time with her.

DP has a totally fucked-up attitude to DD1 and is going to make her life hell if she continues living with him. If I were the XP I would not be happy about her living with a stepfather who resents her so much. I don't think I've ever said this on a thread before, but you need to split up with him, or your daughter is going to get very damaged in the middle of all of this.

*He is now saying that he will never forgive DD1 if we don't have DC3 because of her and has stomped off to his mother's house.

I feel like I am constantly made to feel like I am a terrible parent who is favouring DD1 whenever I pay attention or spend time with her*
This is OP's interpretation of things. Perhaps she is gormless and decided quite unknowlingly to have a relationship with a first grade twat, then, presumably after spending SOME time with him or maybe quite alot of time with him, to have a child by this first grade twat. And despite this new relationship still hero worships ex who gives up every second weekend - no this is the truth, EVERY SECOND WEEKEND (truly I am astounded that a parent can happily give up every second weekend to their child as I am sure the rest of you all are)

And now, quite unbiased by spectacularly wonderful (and V wealthy) ex (why ex, we all ask?) feels DP is being stroppy because he is totally pissed off with OP's attitude and interfering superman who is OPs true love constantly messing up his relationship with OP and his life. This marks him out as a true twat, so OP should move out now (fingers crossed that wealthy ex doesnt' move abroad or find bitch NW) and tell DP to sod off. She will be much happier on her own, that's what matters not the DCs or DP

That may all be true Mayisout, the DP might generally be a great guy blah blah blah...

But this alone 'He is now saying that he will never forgive DD1' marks him out as a twat IMO.

The DD1 has no control, no part in these decisions, no choices as to who her mother chooses to marry/have children with.

None of this is her fault, none at all and to hold it against a kid means he is a dick.

The rest is just background to that.

If he had said he was going to resent the OP if her DD1 went private and DD2 didn't, then that I would understand, maybe not agree with, but I would understand.

But how can he hold resentment towards a child. She is part of the package, her dad financially supporting her is part of the package. She doesn't deserve to be denied her dad's support because he can't provide the same for his DD.

Yes, true, Morloth. But his saying he will never forgive DD1 could translate into he will never forgive b*d ex but daren't say that or he gets RahRahRAhjustjealous,exabettermanrahrah from OP. Who knows the whole picture?

But as a parent, all be it a step parent, shouldn't DP have been included in the discussion in the first place?