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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:08

It really is DD2 I feel awful for in this situation

suzikettles · 13/05/2012 23:09

So, if this relationship doesn't survive (and tbh, I'm not sure from what petunia is posting that it will), how's she going to manage to bring up these two girls, living in the same house, to have such different financial expectations?

Do people with children with different fathers really manage to compartmentalise this sort of thing without it inevitably affecting the family dynamic?

Sounds like it could be tough going.

Mayisout · 13/05/2012 23:09

Why not choose a less priveleged private school. Your DDs will grow up in v different worlds. DD1 ski trips with school, lacrosse with other similar schools, safaris with friends. Also might cause division between the rest of the family and her, perhaps embarrassment if friends brought home so that she can only socialise with friends in ex's social group.
OP has married beneath her station in her eyes and wants 'better' for her DD.

iloveACK · 13/05/2012 23:09

I'm with Outraged - so sorry for your DD1. Sad

cantspel · 13/05/2012 23:10

well dd1 family ie her father has the ability to provide private education so why sound dd1 not have it?

It is impossible for everything to be equal between dd1 and dd2 as dd1 will never have the advantage of living with both her parents, the knowledge that she will wake up each morning under the same roof as the people who love her most in the world. dd1 will know that she is not as important to her step dad as dd2 and it sounds that he has already made that very clear and i would put money on the fact the child has already picked up on it.

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:11

what suzikettles says

How as a single mum you treat two children so differently is beyond a joke. still it makes the decision to go back to work and not have a 3rd child easy

Hopefullyrecovering · 13/05/2012 23:13

Interesting development

The OP's other half is a DP rather than a DH, and he doesn't earn particularly well. Which would probably leave the OP economically vulnerable to being left. Not to mention all the emotional upheaval.

You could look at it as a form of blackmail potentially, this walking out stuff. But unfortunately it is not an issue that is susceptible to compromise. There isn't a middle ground. Either DD1 goes private or she doesn't.

NarkedPuffin · 13/05/2012 23:14

'Everything would be going into a big pot without regard of which parents dad it came from.'

So the ex should subsidise a child that's not his because he has a better job than the child's father?

DD1 is already disadvantaged because she has to share her home and life with a man who doesn't parent her and is already jealous of her after school activities FFS!

ChippingIn · 13/05/2012 23:15

Actually, you know what I would do (once I'd calmed down!!)...

I would bin the DP - that's a given.

I would sort out the finances.

I would look at the housing options.

I would talk to DD1's father and see if we could find a school that he was happy with, that I could afford to send DD2 to, as well. So probably a good non private school. I would explain to him that I wanted the best for both girls and that not having an affluent home life, DD1 might not settle into the private school very well anyway.

Perhaphs if you are on your own with the girls, DD1's father will be more willing to help facilitate this in some way?

Cabrinha · 13/05/2012 23:15

These girls will never have things 'equal'. One has 2 parents together, living with her - the other does not.
So whilst it's not ideal, I think some difference is tolerable. e.g. If first daughter goes an expensive holiday with her father.
But schooling is a MASSIVE thing - potential affecting your prospects in life, and as others have said, it's more than just the 09:00-16:00.
For me, the best thing to do would be to explain all this to the (reasonable sounding?) ex, and aim to move to catchment for the BEST state school in the area.
If OP can't afford this, not sure if this would open up a can of worms but... Could ex pay a lump sum towards the move, with that going as a share of the equity in the house, in trust for his daughter?
If the OP really wants the fee paying school for both daughters, then frankly she needs to suck it up re not having a third. Plenty of people can't afford a 3rd (or 2nd). Need to decide what's more important.

It's a really tricky situation, I hope you can resolve it well. Tbh if I were the ex, I'd be pissed off not being able to send my child to the school I wanted because of a new family that wasnt much to do with me.

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 23:16

DP is very sensitive and a bit highly strung and I have been telling myself it's just a stage.

It just being a stage is what you say about a toddler or a potty refuser or a stroppy teenage. It ISNT what you say about a grown man.

Oh and for the record, sensitive and highly strung is just another way of saying "demanind, childish and pathetic". Forget the school argument, deal with your relationship first and FFS DO NOT TTC with this man!

Bobyan · 13/05/2012 23:17

Excellent advice from Chipping...

NarkedPuffin · 13/05/2012 23:17

She's not a single mum! She's been with this DP for 6 years.

NarkedPuffin · 13/05/2012 23:18

What Bogeyface said ^

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 23:18

I am afraid that i think that your DP is in great danger of causing quite serious emotional damage to your dd1..she is what 6 or 7? and he is actively disinterested in her acheivements and will blame her if you dont have dd3????

this will only get worse as she gets older, i imagine. it will be awful for her to be with a step father who treats her with such resentment and distain. even more so if you have another child with him. Someone up thread mentioned Cinderella...that is what it sounds like

AND if she is at private school...how will he ever tolerate that with any respect and humility??

I couldnt be with anyone who treated my dd like that

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:19

Ugg I'm not going to treat 2 children living under the same roof differently just because one has a richer father. it's just plain disgusting!!!!

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 23:21

bejeezuz makes a good point. If he treats her like that now, how on earth will he treat her when she is at this school?

Will she be "up herself", or "too big for her boots"?

I honestly cannot believe that the OP has allowed her DD to be treated like this for the last 6 years. I know relationships are difficult but the OP is going down in my estimation :(

ChippingIn · 13/05/2012 23:21

Oh that's not very clear!!

I didn't mean DD1's father should pay for DD2 to attend a school or anything - more that he could be involved in finding a non fee paying school he is happy with and if he can afford it maybe put some money into a house for them to live in (owning a share of it/going as guarantor or whatever, not giving the OP the money) near that school if the OP can't afford it on her own.

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:22

if she bins her DP of 6 years she will be. She will still have the same problem of treating the children differently. only no DP to pass the buck for the fall out of the decision onto

suzikettles · 13/05/2012 23:22

So, narked - when they're neither living with their biological father (because I think the op is disengaging from this relationship, and maybe rightly so), does dd1 get Whistles and dd2 get Primark? Does dd1 get Waitrose and dd2 get Lidl? Does dd1 get riding lessons and dd2 get a job mucking out the stables?

Will the op really stand back and say "well what can I do? DD1s dad pays more child support".

I get that there will be massive differences when they are spending time with their respective fathers, but it seems to me that when they're with their mother it doesn't do either of them any good to be treated differently.

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 23:23

UUrrrghhh...Id pack him a bag and leave it on the doorstep, lock the door and send him a text..tell him he's dumped, come and get his bag and stay at his mothhers

cantspel · 13/05/2012 23:24

why should the ex pay to improve the standard of living of the pratt who treats his daughter so badly?

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:24

only Cinderella was in rags works the kitchen as a servant Hmm

iloveACK · 13/05/2012 23:25

I think Chipping said it well - v sad situation Sad

Bobyan · 13/05/2012 23:25

I think the bag is too generous.

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