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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 13/05/2012 22:34

"The choice to have a third child is not caused by the ex and the offer of money"

If you reread the OP (the dificulties of biology aside) that is exactly the end result of the ex's offer of money if the OP is to provide equally for both children.

"she can only control her own input"
Which was absolutely my objection to the suggestion that the should be earning more. He's contribution to the household was fine before the OP ex offered private school.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 22:35

The OPs commitment to dd2 doesn't diminish just because she already had a child with someone else before hand

Her commitment doesn't diminish, but the fact is, her choices did diminish when she chose to have a dc2 who was going to have a different Father to dd1. This is just one of those things that goes along with a consequence to a previous choice.

It's like Kewcumber said, if she can justify what she chooses to do as being what's right (and I believe she can) then she shouldn't deny once of her children something that would benefit them.

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 22:40

Hmm....after much thought I think that although I couldnt comfortably do this within my family, I think that the DP is jealous and it has nothing to do with better opportunities for one child over another.

He is jealous of the better earning man being able to provide better things for DD1, whilst he cant do that for his own DD.

Childish and silly imo.

The issue here isnt about education but about why on earth the OP isplanning her second child with an arsehole who clearly has no time for his step daughter. The irony of him saying DD1 is favoured has clearly passed them both by.............

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 22:40

Kewcumber - I think you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. having spent most of my secondary school in atop calibre private (I chose to go state for a levels) it is not just a whole different lifestyle it's a whole different attitude even down to accent.

I simply couldn't be comfortable with 2 children living a completely different standard of living, lifestyle and life experiences under my house simply because one child's father was wealthier.

Original poster
PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 22:42

DP and I are just not seeing eye to eye on this one. He is now saying that he will never forgive DD1 if we don't have DC3 because of her and has stomped off to his mother's house.

I feel like I am constantly made to feel like I am a terrible parent who is favouring DD1 whenever I pay attention or spend time with her. I love both my children equally and try to spend time with them equally. DP is very sensitive and a bit highly strung and I have been telling myself it's just a stage. I just don't know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 22:46

Does it feel like your relationship is going to last in the long term Petunia?

FetchezLaVache · 13/05/2012 22:46

But if you don't have DC3 in order to send DD2 to private school, that would be the decision that you and DP made and nothing whatsoever to do with DD1! He sounds childish and petulant, or "very sensitive and a bit highly strung", as it's also known...

fluffypillow · 13/05/2012 22:47

First off, I don't like the idea of private schools, and would no way send my children to one, even if I was loaded.

That said, I can understand what a tough situation this is for you, but my gut instinct would be to keep everything as fair as possible. Can you not move to an area where there are good junior schools and secondary schools? You will need to be nearer to better schools for your other child anyway, won't you?

suzikettles · 13/05/2012 22:49

Tbh, you sound like you're disengaging from your dp rather. Is this relationship likely to survive do you think? Do you resent him not being able to provide you/your dds with what your ex obviously could?

What will you do if you end up a single parent to both girls, one rich dad, one poor dad?

Sorry, I couldn't treat my children differently just because one had the fortune to have access to more money. I think you should send dd1 if you think it's the right school for her, but move heaven and earth to give dd2 the same opportunity, if it turns out to be best thing for her (which, given that you seem to have a few years to play with, it might not).

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 22:51

don't blame your DP TBH. You have absolutely put your commitment to DD1 before your commitment to your family as a whole. Right for DD1 wrong for your family.

to be fair it's your ex who has put you in this impossible situation.

Kewcumber · 13/05/2012 22:52

Lunar - same for my mum - she got a scholarship to a grant maintained private school. Bizarrely she (now in her 70's) doesn't sound or act like any of the rest of her family (sibling or parents).

She actually had one accent in school and a different one at home! Though I'm prepared to accept that probably a bit extreme.

suzikettles · 13/05/2012 22:54

What if your ex had been a waste of space as a father and hadn't contributed anything. Would it be ok for dd1 to have fewer activities/inferior schooling to dd2 just because your dp wasn't her biological parent?

Obviously your ex had no feelings whatsover for dd2, maybe he doesn't even know her, but you're the biological mother of both girls and I'd have thought you'd want both your children to have the same opportunities surely?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 22:54

he is now saying that he will never forgive dd1

For that alone, he does not love his step daughter in the way that he should. He simply cannot, for him to ever have looked at his 7 (?) year old little girl, who he has cared for since she was a year old, and think that he could possibly not forgive her for something.

There is no way a little girls future should be decided by someone who can feel like that.

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 22:57

Not at all. I had exactly that situation myself, one accent for home and one for school. If fact even now I slip back into it if I come back into contact with anyone from the school. Mum picked up on the differences in attitude as well, not always in a good way.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 22:59

Suzi, she may want them to have the same opportunities, but the fact is that they don't. They have a different set of parents, and with that comes differences.

Mosman · 13/05/2012 22:59

You need to leave this man and I wouldn't say that lightly.
How bloody dare he talk about a child that way.
My husband is not my eldest's bio father and if he had displayed that attitude once his sorry ass would have been out the door.

cantspel · 13/05/2012 23:00

Your dp sounds an arse

"He is now saying that he will never forgive DD1 if we don't have DC3 because of her and has stomped off to his mother's house."

So he is going to blame the child for the choice that the parents make?
He is already resentful of your dd1 and now is trying emotional blackmail against you to make you do what me wants

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 23:01

Not all private schools are so vastly different to all state schools. There are good state primaries that won't be massively different to the cheaper independants.

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:02

"What if your ex had been a waste of space as a father and hadn't contributed anything. Would it be ok for dd1 to have fewer activities/inferior schooling to dd2 just because your dp wasn't her biological parent?"

Each child according to their NEED and according to thefamilies ability to provide. Everything would be going into a big pot without regard of which parents dad it came from.

Kewcumber · 13/05/2012 23:02

And my mum didn't get any fantastic opportunities because of her private schooling. Just in case anyone thinks its the dead cert everyone seems to think it is.

FetchezLaVache · 13/05/2012 23:04

Outraged said what I wanted to say, only far better. And yes, Freddos are a right ruddy rip-off these days.

Lunar and Kew, I had an ex at uni who was the privately-educated son of self-made Lancastrian parents. He spoke like Boris Johnson unless his parents rang, when he morphed into Peter Kay. I nearly died laughing the first time I heard his alter ego- I had no idea people had "home" and "school" accents!

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2012 23:06

He will never forgive dd1 if we don't have dc3 because of her
How could you even contemplate having another child with this idiot?

ChippingIn · 13/05/2012 23:07

TBH - if it were me, this relationship would be dead in the water. There is no way I could live with a man, nor make my daughter live with a man, who feels/acts like this.

It's a crying shame he has known DD1 since she was a baby and yet is so cold and indifferent to her :( He is a childish, small minded, nasty man.

'Let' DD1's Dad pay for her to go to private school. Deal with DD2 when the time comes

Tell fuckwit to stay at his mothers.
Tell him DC3 will not be happening due to his fuckwit attitude.

Grrrrrr

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 23:07

I think sometimes the benefits of state schools can be vastly underestimated and, in this situation the benefits of private schooling simply aren't worth the disintegration of the second family, not least for DD2

Bobyan · 13/05/2012 23:07

Your DP sounds like a total knob, thank God my stepdad never ever treated me like that. I feel so sorry for your DD1 & DD2, whatever school you pick they'ew still going to have a hard time due to your DP's disgusting attitude.