to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

Mrbojangles1: On the DP's involvment with the DD1, the OP clearly stated that he doesn't have a lot to do with her in their day to day lives, is not showing interest in her achievements and makes snarky remarks about her activities. How is that for "hands on parenting"?

Is there any chance of moving nearer to a good junior school where you'd be happy to send both girls?

She is actively favouring the DD1 because she views the private school as better, if she gives one DC opportunities she sees as better but doesn't give them to the other child she is favouring one over the other.

Also she is sending out the wrong messages about money to both DDs and DP.

If he was that actively disinterested anyway she should be rethinking the relationship full stop. But if I was a single parent there is no way I would be letting one child attend private school simply because her daddy was richer anyway.

If I was the op DP and the OP went ahead with this I would be ending it anyway.

OP, I just wanted to ask a few questions (if you don't mind)

Do you want DD1 to go to private school? If her father was less involved/not offering to pay the fees would you still be considering this route of education?

Do you want the same education for DD1 and DD2? And if so, can you afford DD2s fees?

And finally do you really want a third DC? Above the need for DD2 to be privately educated?

I personally have no issues against private school but I had the same argument with my DH. We have DC2 together (his first child) and I have DC1 from a previous relationship. DH wanted his DC to go to private school and we couldn't afford both sets of fees. DC1's DF couldnt afford to contribute to private fees so it left us the decision about whether to send DC2 and not DC1. We compromised and moved areas so that both the DC would go to a great primary and we are in the catchment for some of the best grammar schools (although they are subject to 11+ which is ability based).

I also know of families who, through finance reasons were able to send one or two to private school but not the other DC. It did cause massive resentment within these families and one of the reasons I didn't want to use this form of education for just one of my DC.

Good luck choosing, it's not going to be an easy decision to make.

I wonder if the OP would be so accomodating if the circumstances were reversed. Lets say the DP's mum wanted to pay for her grandchild to go to private school whilst DD1 couldnt as she only works part time. Would the OP be happy? Same things just different girls.

It seems very unfair on DD2 to get such a second rate life because she has both her parents under the same roof. The DP is getting a slating for at least trying to ensure his DD is an uqual

"Frankly if I was in a relationship with a child where my DP, egged on by their ex, actively favoured their joint child over my child with DP I would rightly or wrongly resent all three too."

She isnt favouring the DD1 - there is nothing that she has posted to suggest that. The ex is favouring his DD over the DD2, but that is to be expected isnt it. The DP is coming over as being childish and resentful.

Of course you should send your dd1! And then work out what is best for your dd2 when the time comes... I have two dds with the same father but the favouritism is just as bad. dh is very happy to pay for dd1 to go to independent school (because for her at the time there really was no other option) but doesn't plan on sending dd2. Over my dead body! We have already agreed on stopping at 2 and I will do my very best to get a well paid job before dd2 reaches school age (she's 2), so that both our dds can go to the same school.

"But Mrbojangles if you have children with different fathers who have massively different incomes - well of course they're going to have very different things given to them financially."

NO absolutely not as a mum within my element of the family unit, I would be doing EVERYTHING to make sure that they don't have very different things given to them financially (unless it was as a result of NEED). What is good enough for one is good enough for both, To do differently is favouritism as both are MY children.

Obviously what happens at the father's is going to be different, but that is outside of my control.

The problem here is that this crosses the barriers, thus the best solution is that the OP balances out the provision for DD2.

"The DP is getting a slating for at least trying to ensure his DD is an uqual"

He can do this be earning more money if he wishes. He doesnt get to do this by vetoing the education her parents want for her, and that her father wants to pay for.

catus if op is claming that her oh has no intrest in her child then why the hell is is married to him and then gone on to have a seconed child She needs to re thinking the marrige in that case

If she then becomes a single parent the new ex could clearly not afford to put towards their child's private school so then what?

To be honest the op has bigger issues than private school

Also I personally think ex has thrown this in the mix to rub in new oh face and cause issue which it is

Yes favoritism is absolutely what is going on here. OP has decided that the local school is not good enough for DD1 but is happy for DD2 to go there.

"He can do this be earning more money if he wishes"

That's an awful attitude. A person shouldn't be measured by their earning potential, which frankly may not be so high however hard he works. Private school fees are a very extreme luxury not a necessity.

Lunar, both may be your children, but you would be an equal parent along with their Father, you don't have more say over what happens to one child because you chose to have another child. The Ex's rights over what happens to his child do not become lessened because of someone else's choice to have another child. You would owe it to both children as individuals to help them make the most of the opportunities presented to them.

I'm not measuring him by his earning potential, but if he wants the children to have the same monetary advantages the only reasonable way for him to do this is to earn more, not to expect the DD1s father to not spend money on her.

Mrbojangles1: The OP is not married, but yes she clearly stated that her DP isn't interested in DD1. And yes, she does indeed seem to have bigger problems than private school.
About the ex's motivations, we can't really tell but the OP seems pretty certain his intentions are not malicious towards her or her DP.
As for becoming a single parent, it would not make the problem of schooling the girls disappear, that's true.
I don't think there is an easy solution. There is a risk of resentment and upset whatever she chooses to do. On the whole, I would send DD1 to private school but I would have to accept responsability for the consequences when and if they come... Not easy.

Op is not neccesarily happy for her dd2 to go to the state school, you don't know that she is. She may realise that schools can change in 2 years. She may decide to cross that bridge when it comes to it. She may see her dd1 flourish and decide to do what it takes to send her dd2. She may think of sacrificing holidays or working more hours, but all that rests on the descison she makes for dd1, so she hasn't got that far yet.

"of course they're going to have very different things given to them financially"

Can I just say again what I said earlier - just because you can afford something doesn't mean you should.

Just as when I was working and earning a fortune I could have spent it on any number of things but I didn't. I chose to live a moderate lifestyle and DS certainly didn't have the stuff that some children do even though I could afford it.

The money is a red herring. Do you think this is right? Do you think sending DD1 to a better school and giving her a more affluent lifestyle than her sister is right? If you think it is right then you do it and you will be able to explain with a clear conscience to both girls why you made the decision.

I agree both parents have an equal right to an opinion but you can ignore the fact that DD1 has siblings and that needs to be taken into account. Maybe if you feel it is right that she benefits from her fathers earnings that she should perhaps for a time be primarily resident with her father?

I have a friend who was in almost exactly the same situation and chose not to send either DC to private school. Luckily her ex was pretty uninvolved with his own DC and so didn't push it. I applauded her decision as the obvious one at the time.

However looking at these posts - I'd be pretty hacked off if I were the ex. As far as he is concerned, he has a child and although he has split up with the mum, does his best to support and be a good dad to his DD. He tries to give her what he sees as a good opportunity - and is hindered by some random bloke who has no relation to him.

It's all a bit Wicked Stepfather, tbh.......

i too wondered whether it was time for DD1 to move onto spending more time with her father, Kew. It would solve this problem without any detriment to the OP, her DP and her DD2. But it sounds as though he has never been the resident parent so it might just not be possible.

Absolutely the OP ex only has a commitment to DD1. But the op has an equal commitment to both children.

The OP's commitment to DD2 doesn't diminish just because she already had a child with someone else before hand.

catsareevil - sorry but I really disagree with this attitude. if the OP didn't have an wealthy ex the OP would have been quite happy with the lifestyle/income they had and indeed would have been looking to have more children.

first scenario is that the OP says no to private school and probably resents her DP for his role in this. second scenario the OP returns to work full time and doesn't have a third child. OP has to come to terms with the fact that the number of children he has and schooling is being shaped by her DP's ex simply because he is wealthier. That's a hell of a lot to deal with.

Though DD1 moving out wouldnt do much for the relationship between the DDs.

Kewcumber agreed how ever Disgrunted the ex is you simply cannot run a house hold we're serval children are being brought up in parallel lifestyles

Their are some who seem to think its fine say if you were dirt poor but one of your say four children had a rich dad to allow that child to live like a king while your other kids eat groul and dress in rags

Sorry but children have to live the lifestyle of we're they live if op really wants the best for dd1 then maybe she should be living with ex he can seemly hVe her standared of living her and boyfriend can't

"first scenario is that the OP says no to private school and probably resents her DP for his role in this. second scenario the OP returns to work full time and doesn't have a third child. OP has to come to terms with the fact that the number of children he has and schooling is being shaped by her DP's ex simply because he is wealthier. That's a hell of a lot to deal with."

Thats the way that you see it. It doesnt have to be that way. The DP could see it as reasonable that a childs father may wish to pay for them to go to school, and accept that. He has no right to expect other people to refrain from buying what they want to just because he cant afford it.

I agree with you entirely that the OP has an equal obligation to both children, but she can only control her own input. The ex does not have an obligation to the DD2.

If it wasnt for the ex then the OP would have no option of either child attending the better school, because she clearly cannot afford to pay for 2 sets of fees. With the ex paying for DD1, it is possible that both could go, which can only be a bonus given the concerns that the OP has about the state school.

The choice to have a third child is not caused by the ex and the offer of money, because the household will be slightly better off overall with the ex paying for school uniforms, outings etc.

"I'd be pretty hacked off if I were the ex"

Wouldn't put what ex thought above what's best for my whole family, what was best for all my children and how my dp felt. Thats whey ex is an ex and dp is a dp.

To be honest with you I think the measure of her DP came when his response to learning that he might not be having a second child because the OP wanted to go back to work for something he never wanted (for either child) in the first place was "he would have to think about it".

"But it sounds as though he has never been the resident parent so it might just not be possible" - agreed, but it might be worth considering.

Again I would say that private school is about more than school, it's a different lifestyle. Neices and nephews all went to private school and it wasn't the education (becasue you're not there with them during the day) that was most startlingly different it was the peripherals - skiing holidays, expensive birthday parties, much more pressure on clothes and accessories, holiday homes donated to PTA silent auction etc.

I'm sure its not true of every private school but its true of everyone I've come across. There will be a strange divide when one of the family is living this life and none of the others. Just be aware that its more than a 9-3.30 issue.