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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
NameChangeaGoGo · 13/05/2012 20:12

I wouldn't do it.

Tabliope · 13/05/2012 20:14

OP you will never be able to make everything equal. DD2's grand parents might leave her everything in their will and DD1 will get nothing there. Neither will get exactly what the other gets as they have different fathers, grand parents, aunts/uncles.

Dozer · 13/05/2012 20:17

Perhaps one solution could be to set aside the junior school decision for a minute and think ahead to secondary. How selective are the private secondary schools that you would consider? If they're not mega-selective and admit a fair number of DC from state-school primaries, and the junior is OK socially and academically, you could put off the decision, and start saving for DD2.

ExH might accept this (lots of mix of state-private now, and more DC in private for secondary than primary, secondary is also when the extracurricular differences are probably greatest).

StillSquiffy · 13/05/2012 20:23

DD1 is living in an environment where her Stepdad is actively disengaging and showing preference to his own DD, despite being part of DD1's life for so many years.

DD1 has to live apart form a dad who obviously loves her very much.

I'd say DD1 is the disadvantaged child in all of this and sending her to private school still won't touch the sides in terms of balancing the scales.

I also wish you luck in sorting out this because your problems are a whole lot bigger than the private school decision.

JayelleBee · 13/05/2012 20:28

The school probably offers a reduction in fees for subsequent children. My DC's school does.

I'd definitely send DD1 to the private school. It is too big an opportunity to throw away. I'd go with the argument someone else posted ages ago that your DD1's dad has 50% of the decision.

What if you and your DP split at some stage? How would you feel about bowing to him over this?

One of the reasons we didn't have a DC3 is due to not wanting to fork out for 3 lots of school fees.

Arachnophobic · 13/05/2012 20:31

My dad remarried and had a daughter. She went to private school and I didn't. I resented my dad so much for this and to this day held a grudge. It wasn't the money as such but the feeling that she was receiving some kind of preferential treatment.

But I earn more than her now Grin

Krumbum · 13/05/2012 20:31

Yabu to send children to private school at all. But if you feel you must for some reason than at least do it for both your kids. Much better for both your children and the rest of societys children if you send them to a normal state school.

ThreadWatcher · 13/05/2012 20:34

Ultimately I am going to have to spell it out to him that parenting DD1 is mine and her father's responsibility

Well yes ulitmately you and her father are her parents - but if I was your dp I would be considering whether I wanted to continue being your dp with that attitude - as it shows scant respect for him and your dd1

Same for both or not at all

Mrbojangles1 · 13/05/2012 20:34

Well read a lot of threads and we are personally effected by this by oh has 3 siblings who went to private school oh had educational needs so his parents in their wisdom Hmm decided to send two oldest to private and the youngest to private oh is the middle child

As a result....... Oh is basically estranged form his siblings he almost had a diffrent type of up bringing oh spent most of his child hood having to hide his poshness as not to get beat up going to the Local comp it's very clear from his siblings partners and friends they went to private school and even they way they speak is very diffrent

My oh has done well but did have to take the long road he really feels this devices education really played its part in him and his siblings not being very close

They look down on him in part it's always mentioned in hushed tones that he went didn't go to private school

In my view unless their is a real. Need eg special needs or school just won't offer a place I would not

If you can't afford to send all your children to private school YOU CAN'T afford it

This is like Sophie's choice which child should I give a educational advatange to

Mrbojangles1 · 13/05/2012 20:38

I agree you ex should have a say but not if the choice you both make effects the other children you have

Top be honest I think this may have purposely been done to corse factors in the household

Personally I think this could end up ending your currant marrige and putting a wedge between two currently loving siblings

GColdtimer · 13/05/2012 20:39

But threadwstcher, dd1's father is actively involved in her life. Doesn't he get a say in her education?

Clawdy · 13/05/2012 20:44

There is no surer way to make two sisters resent and dislike each other than to treat them differently...and sending one to private school is a huge difference. Can't believe you are even considering making such a cruel and divisive decision.

Mrbojangles1 · 13/05/2012 20:44

JayelleBee like I said the ex has a say but the welafre and well being of both children trump any say the ex has over his child the ops job is to make sure both children are cared for

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 20:47

I'm going to disagree with the posters on the board.

A private school education is not the be all and end all.

Frankly if I was in a relationship with a child where my DP, egged on by their ex, actively favoured their joint child over my child with DP I would rightly or wrongly resent all three too. I think if you go along with your Ex plans you are storing up even more problems for your new family unit, not least because you are actively putting your ex's feelings way above your DP's.

Maintenance needs to go into the Household finances. Each according to their NEED out of the family unit.

If you persist in taking up you ex on his offer. You absolutely must go back to work and give DD2 the same opportunity. This is not just about treating two siblings the same or differently it is about respect for your DP.

Mrbojangles1 · 13/05/2012 20:47

Sadly ops ex will have to come to see rightly his child will basically have the standared of living that op and her new oh can afford

Let him save his money for when child gose to uni at 9 he will need it

ThreadWatcher · 13/05/2012 20:52

Twofalls - Clawdys post following yours is my opinion why I dont think this is ok. Also what lunar rose says.

Mrbojangles1 · 13/05/2012 20:53

LunarRose couldn't agree more if op dose this she might as well consult a divorcee lawyer now the resulting years will be spent in arguments, recriminations and accusations

Ex might be the child's father but I bet that the oh is doing with op the majority of the hands on parenting

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/05/2012 20:53

I went to private on a scholarship and my sister didn't. We are extraordinarily close so I don't think its the be all and end all.

And situations where parents are still together and send only one to private are different from a blended family situation.

But I think the education decision is less important than how your DP generally treats your eldest DD.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/05/2012 20:55

The ex would pay school fees in addition to maintenance though so its an added extra. The maintenance money still goes in the family pot.

girliefriend · 13/05/2012 20:56

It is a tricky one.....

I can see the appeal but agree with the majority who say it would be massively unfair. I wouldn't do it and would be massively fed up if I was dd2!

Mrbojangles1 · 13/05/2012 21:00

MrsCampbellBlack sorry donat agree I think this is exactly why many blended families run in to issues because all members of the mainly are treated wildly diffrent if it were the other way round lets say the new oh could afford to send his child he had with op to private school but the ex couldn't afford it for ops first child you would quite rightly be disgusted and you would be saying telling op to tell her oh both go or none

LunarRose · 13/05/2012 21:02

The fact is that currently between you your DP and your ex you are providing a perfectly good standard of living for both of you children.

I would imaging that up until this kicked off this is exactly how your DP and you considered the situation

You've just turned round to your DP and told him this isn't good enough, simply because your ex earns more money and can afford to send DD1 to private school.

Yes a superb opportunity for DD1,but if it's that an essential opportunity move heven and earth to provide it for both children. Show your DP and DD that you are prepared to put the effort and sacrifice in to make it work for your joint family.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/05/2012 21:04

But Mrbojangles if you have children with different fathers who have massively different incomes - well of course they're going to have very different things given to them financially.

DD2 wouldn't be human if she isn't resentful when DD1 gets very expensive gifts/car/deposit on house for example paid for but that's unfortunately life.

I know if I was the ex I wouldn't be happy being told I couldn't pay for my DD's education because my ex's partner didn't like it - especially when the step-parent in this case doesn't seem overly involved in the child's life.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/05/2012 21:05

Lunar - have you read how the step-father treats his step-daughter. Not sure I'd make my child make sacrifices for him.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 21:06

LunarRose, how is the OP actively favouring her child with her ex? She isn't doing that at all, she is just wanting to give her dd an opportunity that has been offered to her.

I agree that the DPs opinion should deserve respect, but haven't you read OPs posts? She says he is actively disinterested in the dd1s achievements, she says dd1 is effectively her child and that the DP has little to do with her. Do you really think his opinion is worthy of respect when his opinion doesn't take into account what is best for the child in question at all?