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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 13/05/2012 18:37

I am really sorry the relationship between DP and DD1 has deteriorated to this :(

There is no way I'd be having DC3 with him. His attitude is horrible. I couldn't be with a man, who had been a part of my childs life since they were a baby, yet did not treat them as his own .

My child - Our child. How on earth can you be happy living this way? :(

I think your DD1 should be able to take up anything her BDad is able to offer her and that you and DP should do what you can to enable DD2 to have the same opportunities. However, in your situation I wouldn't send DD2 to a private school - even if you do sacrifice all (and frankly I don't think you should anyway) and manage to pay the fees, that's only a part of it - the rest of it is being able to do the expensive trips, after school activities and live the same lifestyle as their peers - DD1 will manage some of this with her father - but I suspect you wont be able to do this for DD2 and being the 'poor girl' at a private school is horrible :(

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 18:38

Olympias, what about the resentment that dd1 will feel about being denied an opportunity because of someone who favours her sister over her?

lunar1 · 13/05/2012 18:42

I wouldnt have a DC3 in this situation, it already sounds like DD1 is an outsider to your P. Add in a third child and poor DD1 could end up very isolated.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 13/05/2012 18:43

Hopefullyrecovering (I hope you are!) the Will thing is relatively easy to sort out. The assets should be split 50/50 between the OP and the DP, the op shares her 50% between her bio children and the DP splits his between his bio children. Both girls (and subsequent siblings) then get equal from their Mum and whatever from their own Dad's - quite fair and reasonable.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 13/05/2012 18:45

Olympia - it is actually because even if they can scrape together the fees, they are not going to be able to give DD2 the appropriate holidays/clothes/after school activities/weekend budget. IMO it is worse sending a child to a private school as 'the poor kid' than it is to send them to a good local junior/secondary school.

slacklucy · 13/05/2012 18:47

send DD1 & when it comes to DD2 apply for a bursary, i know of a family in very similar circumstances & the charity set up at the school was very helpful.

redwineformethanks · 13/05/2012 18:56

Complicated. I have some sympathy for all the parties in this one

Hopefullyrecovering · 13/05/2012 19:04

Thank you chipping :)

I do see how the assets might be divided but under that scenario, would not DD1 get substantially more?

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2012 19:13

I wouldn't even consider having a dc3 in your situation.
Before the school question even arose, there was already a huge disparity in the extra curricular activities they are able to take part in.
Even if you decide to continue sending your dd1 to state school, that needs to be addressed before massive resentment sets in.
Go full time to provide some fairness on the score at least, and forget dc3.

Pooka · 13/05/2012 19:16

This is a massive dilemma.

My gut says that you cannot accept your ex's offer because it would only consolidate the differences between dd1 and dd2. Would only accept if I felt that I would be able to provide same education for dd2.

The fact that you are considering sending dd2 to the school that isn't good enough for dd1 makes me uneasy.

I also don't hold with the argument that dd2 has both parents around all the time so has it better in some ways than dd1.

Obviously this will hopefully not happen, but what if you split up with dp? You'd end up with situation where dd2 not with both parents AND not doing so many hobbies AND at inferior school.

I'm wondering whether dps protectiveness towards dd2's interests is in response to you compensating in some way for dd1 being away from her father - she clearly has access to more hobbies/interests and may have more financial security (looking at it from your dps pov). It's almost as if you have each chosen a child to champion, you with dd1 and your dp with dd2, and so it already seems like you're not working together as a family unit.

Inadeeptrance · 13/05/2012 19:19

YABU.

youarekidding · 13/05/2012 19:21

I would allow DD1 to go. Yes she has a great relationship with her dad and he sounds great re maintenence/care etc but DD2 has her father with her all the time.

You have to take the oppotunities in life whilst simaltanously accepting life isn't always 'fair'.

TandB · 13/05/2012 19:24

What a difficult decision, OP. I can see why you are worried about the potential effect of this on your DDs' relationship in the future.

I do think you should let your exP pay for the school for DD1. I think refusing to allow this because of your current DP's feelings is setting quite a dangerous precedent and has the potential to damage what seems to have been a very amicable parenting situation between you and your ex.

Why should your child's interested and involved father not be permitted to do his absolute best for her because you are now involved with someone else who is resentful? What will your DP do if he finds he can afford to pay for something for only one child in the future? Will he refuse his own child something because it wouldn't be fair on the step-child he isn't terribly interested in? I am guessing not!

A step-parent should enhance a child's life, not take away from it. If you weren't with DP, your DD1 would get this opportunity.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 13/05/2012 19:25

Pooka - how is that fair on DD1?

HopefullyRecovering - yes, DD1 would end up with more, but from her father - that cannot be helped. All the mother in that situation can do is be 'fair' with her share. It would be different if the DP treated DD1 as his own, they'd have to rethink it, but clearly he's not going to want any of 'his share' going to her :( When you have children that don't all have the same bip parents it's generally quite difficult to be fair and even. The same when you have a child with a disability.

SoldeInvierno · 13/05/2012 19:29

I would send DD1 to the private school and work full time to be able to afford the fees for DD2. And yes, I would give up on DC3 (in fact that's similar to what I did. I just had one DC so that I could make sure I could afford all those things).

hathorkicksass · 13/05/2012 19:35

The bit that worries me is the "my child our child" situation.

Makes me Sad and I don't think I could be with someone who was making so much of a difference with one of the children who lived in the house.

SoldeInvierno · 13/05/2012 19:40

If I was DD1 and I realised in a couple of years time that I missed out on a great opportunity just because SD had some sort of complex and felt inferior to Dad, I would absolutely hate you, and I would probably try to move out of your household.

skybluepearl · 13/05/2012 19:40

I would let her dad send eldest to private. Your youngest 2 will have the huge benefit of having parents who still live together.

You could soon have two younger children who will be in the same boat and not going private but at least they will be in the same situation. maybe you could pay for them to go private at 6th form level? Or maybe you could pay for extra tutoring or extra clubs as a small perk. Or maybe you could look at moving to an area where the junior and secondary school were excellent state schools. Even if it means a smaller house.

skateboarder · 13/05/2012 19:59

How would your dp feel if he was a higher earner and wanted to send his dc private but not the step dd? Would that be acceptable to him? To you?
I think i would send dd1.

IslaValargeone · 13/05/2012 20:02

After reading the update from the OP, I think it's even more important that dd1 is able to take advantage of the opportunities her father can provide.
Her step dad is now 'actively disinterested in her achievements'..Bloody hell! Don't let this tit sabotage your daughter's future with his childish jealousy and insecurities.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/05/2012 20:04

Perhaps the DP feels DD2 is already second best and "champions" her to ensure she gets treated fairly. Just because she has both her parents in the house doesnt mean that she should be treated differently.

Less activities, a school you dont want to send DD1 too, no wonder your DP wants to stick up for her.

FetchezLaVache · 13/05/2012 20:04

OP, I too wouldn't have DC3 in these circumstances. Your 'D'P already sounds jealous and resentful of DD1 and sounds capable of using DC3 to tip the balance within the home in favour of the 'full' children of the relationship, or even gang up on her and try to shut her out of their little clique.

It also sounds like there are other issues with the relationship and should you split up with him, how do you think DD1 would feel years down the line if she had been denied the opportunity of private school because her mum's boyfriend at the time didn't want her to go? YANBU.

BeeInMyBonnet · 13/05/2012 20:05

This is becoming somewhat damned if you do/damned if you don't.

Personally I feel the survival and harmony of the whole family outweighs the opportunities of one person in it. How can a family operate comfortably with such an imbalance in it? It's bound to cause friction unless you can pull out all the stops and offer the same to dd2.

IslaValargeone · 13/05/2012 20:09

They can (with tweaks) offer the same to dd2 though, despite the Op's title.
Dp just doesn't want to because of the 3rd child issue.

Tabliope · 13/05/2012 20:12

What happens if you don't send DD1 then the ex goes on to have more children who he does send to private school. DD1 is going to then say why didn't you send me and he'll say I tried but your mother wouldn't allow it.

I don't think the school has to be a big issue as long as you get DD2 (and 3) into a school where they are happy. DD1 will probably moan about school anyway, private or not, as kids usually find something to moan about school. Then again DD2 could moan about not having as much school holiday time. Then again you might be able to say DD1's school day is longer (can be at private school). Awkward situation but I'd let DD1 go. Not everything is 'fair' in life. They have different fathers and DD2 will be used to DD1 going off with her dad. As long as DD2 has access to the after school clubs she wants to do that will help. Also spending quality time together - when both girls are there and when it is just you, DP and DD2.