to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

From your last post, you definatly cannot deny an opportunity to your child because of a man who has little to do with her and is 'actively disinterested' in her achievements. He sounds horrible, and I think you are doing your dd1 a disservice by even allowing someone that feels like that towards her to live in her home.

I grew up with a Father who was much wealthier than my step father and I spent my entire childhood knowing that my SD resented what I had. I went to private school, my step sisters (his dds) didn't. My step father was jealous and it showed. As a result I moved out of home just after my 17th birthday and did not speak a word to my step dad from that day until I was 23. We are civil to each other now, but we don't really have a relationship, and I rarely see my step sisters, although they are and always have been lovely. I feel sorry that my Mum was stuck in the middle, but I also think she was crap for allowing me to feel like that throughout my childhood.

"everyone saying it's a no brainer to not have dc3. What about DP - does he not get a say about whether he gets a second child? ...he's got the OP's 2 dds living with him"

DD1 is OP's and her ex-H's. DD2 is OP's and current DP's so it is not as if he didn't "get" a biological child.

If he is a responsible and rational adult, DP would surely come to the same conclusion: DD1 has to take this chance for a better education. DD2 should be offered the same opportunity. Therefore, OP needs to start earning money and they should forget about a DC3 since there is no way they can offer him/her the same education.

"But we want DC3 so DC1 can't go to private school although all expenses will be paid" is an emotional reaction that is also shockingly selfish.

This would depend on the prep school but many many offer bursaries; you could explain the situation to the Head re; dd2 and ask if there were any bursaries avaliable; he may offer 50% fees for DD2 as many heads would rather 2 children paying 1.5 fess then no fees and no 2 places taken up....I know schools in oversubscribed areas, completely full but still have places and bursaries for means tested families, if your situation is accurate both your daughters would be means tested accordingly....

Another issue to think about is the ongoing cost, your ex is doing well now, but I'm not sure if he has a new partner or news children will appear for his side, will he want to/be able to pay all the way through to 18 as it is much harsher for DD1 to start something then take her out at 11...13 or whenever....

If you exP, current dp and you could make an agreement to pay till 11 then put her into local grammar or good comp and get a bursary for dd2 till 11 this may be a good compromise....?

If the offere stands till 18, then a lot of your argument depends on where you are based and the secondary schools, if at 11 your DD2 has pretty grotty options and DD1 is in a good public school that's harsh...but if the spectrum is narrow, with good grammar, good state options as well as the private options this feels better...

Also there are big differences in senior public schools fees and some private fees....so worth looking at this as a starting point and working backwards....

And I would be very concerned about him being 'quite resentful ' about things that your DD1 does after school already. That really is quite pathetic from an adult. As your DD1 gets older she will notice, if she hasn't already.

OP, was DD1 always regarded as 'your daughter'. I only ask as with such a small age gap (im assuming 2-3yrs?) your DP must have known her from a very young age. If they do not have a good bond and DD2 is his priority then I would have to think long and hard about another child.

My DS and DD will be attending a private school from September, the sibling discount is 10% for the 2nd child and 13.5% for the third. Full annual day fees also vary for each year group.

NarkedPuffin I suppose my reasoning was that education is something so fundamental to our childhoods that it is in some ways more important than uni and house deposits. I feel these things are likely to matter less between my DD's because they will be older then and understand thing better.

DD1's father is keen to apply ASAP (We're late as is) but I told him I was concerned about whether this would have a detrimental effect on DD1 and DD2's relationship. He didn't say a lot about it, just reiterated that DD1 would love the school and benefit from it enormously.

For what it is worth I don't think he is playing any games here. He just wants what is best for his DD. Still waiting for DP to answer my question RE DC3!

OhtheConfusion DD1's father and I were not together when she was born and I met DP when she was a year old. Initially DP was very cautious because he wasn't used to little children but he really seemed to warm to DD1 and I felt like he was a good step parent so agreed to have DD2.

To be honest things have gone downhill since then. He's very sensitive to any indication that DD1 is getting more attention that DD2. I have pointed out that I went back to work much earlier with DD1 but he has a bee in his bonnet about me trying to 'make it up' to DD1. He thinks I should avoid trying to compensate DD1 with extra attention and often points out that it won't 'work.'

I used them as examples because the fact is your DD1 has a wealthier father, and she will always get things that your DD2 won't. Full stop. It might not be fair, but it's life. Unless you start earning more money, even if they both go to the same school, as your DD1 gets older - particularly with no fees to pay - her father will buy her a laptop/ipad6/whatever is current and shiny. He will give her more money to spend on clothes. He will take her on pricier holidays. She will have a car when she hits 17 etc etc.

I know what you're saying about school being more a core part of childhood, but so is living with your parents! Your DD1 is already losing out compared to her sister by not having both her parents in the home, and having to live with someone who apparently resents her having extra curricular activities and doesn't get involved with parenting her. I'm not trying to be critical, just pointing out that it is impossible to treat them 'equally' IYSWIM.

Do you really want to have another child with him, the way he's been acting?

I wouldn't be surprised if dd1 asks her dad to send her to boarding school when she is old enough if she has to live with your DP. Poor girl! He has known her since she was 1 yet still doesn't view her as his?!

He´s sounding immature now.

It´s not your daughter´s fault that she doesn´t live with her father & that he can & is willing to pay for private education.

Sounds like, whatever the education decision, you have a big problem with your DP. Sounds like he favours DD2 and isn't being as good as he should to/about DD1.

You mention that your ex is 50. This is going to sound awful, but if you agree to him paying for school, you need to consider what could happen if he got ill/died. Would, for example, his will (assuming dd1 would be sole beneficiary) allow his money to continue to be used to pay for her schooling, or would it be held in trust in her name (meaning you'd have to pay or pull her out)? What if he were ill, too ill to work, but perhaps not enough to claim critical illness insurance (am thinking serious back pain, depression). Does he have relatives he may need to pay for things for (eg elderly parents)?

In your shoes I would not have another DC given probs with DP. I would either send neither or both, as I couldn't give one better opportunities (in my eyes) than the other. But if your DP is unsupportive (eg won't do pick-ups etc - and remember private schools have long holidays) this may be impossible.

Agree with The poster who said that you need to think about the impact of DD1 attending the school on the whole family and especially DD2. Once DD1 is at that school you will be spending more time and money to send her there (childcare, school runs etc), her location will be fixed, and may have less flxibility / money to do things for DD2, eg move to a house in catchment for an outstanding state school. Once she's there, presumably ex would contest any attempt to mover her.

The relationship you need to worry about is not the one between DD1 and DD2. It is the one between DD1 and DP. I think it is awful that she is having to grow up in a house with this kind of petty resentment from an adult.

She will pick up on it eventually, if she hasn't already, and then, OP, she may eventually choose to move in with her father or go to boarding school. And she will be angry with you for exposing her to your DP's resentment. You have got to sort this out now.

I've only read the first page, so apologies.

Every private/fee-paying school I've ever known has reduced fees for siblings.

So the fees for dd2 would be less than those for dd1.

Agree with posters on this page suggesting you talk to the school bursar.

Perplexed, when I first read I felt sorry for DD2, then DD1 and now you :(

You need to address your family relationship as a whole. Your DP should be like another father to DD1 and it really saddens me that such a difference is being made.

I had 2DC's when I met my husband, the youngest was only 1 then too and he is very much a dad to all three children now. If anything he can sometimes over compensate with DC1 and 2!

Good luck, you have a lot on your plate at the minute.

I would also add that if your ex earns a lot because he "works long hours", that in itself is because you and your DP are providing childcare and working less. Your DP and you are effectively subsidising your ex's earnings (since he wouldn't make them if he had to do the same childcaring)

adele this is nonsense. There are plenty of DHs who manage to work long hours and earn a lot with just a SAHW (not two other parents) doing the childcare. I suspect the exH would have had the same job, with the same earnings, had the OP stayed with him.

Agree that the real issue sounds like DP's attitude to DD1...

Well as they are half sisters I guess there is a possibly a case for sending one to private school.

But I think it could cause bad feeling and that would concern me tbh. Going to private school is just the beginning, there will be lots of added extras to enjoy and pay for. For me that would cause too much imbalance within the family. I couldn't knowingly bring that situation about.

Dh was sent off to boarding school and his brother stayed at home and went to private school. Mil is always falling over herself to say they've been treated the same. But it's just not true and dh's distance from them emotionally is the result. I've never understood why they did it. The repurcussions have certainly been long reaching.

BeeInMyBonnet

Given the DP's atitude towards DD1 I think that that is the least of the worries.

If DP continues in the same vain it will drive a wedge between DD1 and the whole of the family.

Our school doesn't do sibling discounts - an awful lot don't so I wouldn't rely on that.

But the more you post - well the education stuff wouldn't be what was really worryin me if I were you. I'd be taking a long look at your DP and how he treats your DD1 in general.

I understand the balance you are trying to strike, but to me, a key part of parenting is enabling our children, equipping them for life and offering them opportunities. It does not sit well with me that an opportunity should be denied to a child.

I do think the private for some siblings/half/Step siblings and state for others is increasingly common as there are more and more blended families. I personally know of several families where the older children are privately educated due to having wealthier fathers but the younger children of the new relationship aren't due to lack of money.

Its just one of the issues you have to deal with in a blended family isn't it I guess.

PerplexedPetunia I havent been in your situation so ignore me if I am speaking out of turn.

Is there a possibility that for your DP the private school thing is just another example of DD1 having a wealthier/luckier/whatever father. The extra activities for one child not the other must be a constant dart. Is it telling your DP that he is under-providing for his 'own' DD?

Would it help your household atmosphere if the extra curricular activities were limited for DD1 to a similar level you would provide for DD2? This does not mean that DD1 cant enjoy these activities with her father. It must be very strange (and upsetting to other members) to be in a household where one of your DDs is more privilleged than the other and in fact everyone else in the household.

I'm not suggesting that your DP is behaving well but I do think you and DD1's father are putting him in a very difficult situation.

These are your choices OP:

• having 3 kids and giving them all a not so good (possibly lousy) education

• having 3 kids and giving just one of them a good education, setting the other 2 up for a life of resentment towards you and the lucky sibling

• having 2 kids and giving them a very good education and a better start in life

Is it really so hard to do the right thing by your already existing children?

I wonder where this is going to end?

See, I imagine that DD1's dad will leave his money to his DD, barring a new relationship and children of that relationship. Even then he sounds like a decent cove so he would probably leave his money to his DD.

How can you equalise that? Would your DP suggest you leave all your money to DD2 and hypothetical DC3? Even if it's buttons, how hurtful would that be to DD1?

This is not an equal situation. You cannot ensure that both (or all three) are treated equally all through their lives. They do not have the same parents. Isn't it better to get used to the idea now?