to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

I have asked DH is he would consider giving up on the idea of a DC3 (I am 38 and it hasn't happened in nearly a year, so it's not a definite anyway) so that I could go back to work full time and we can afford for DD2 to go to the same school as DD1 in year 3. He was a bit stunned and said he would have to think about it.

A few people asked about the certainty of DD1's father paying the fees. I know it is a possibility but he has been very reasonable thus far and he is 50, no previous children and never married. I suppose he may meet someone else and the new partner might not like the idea of all this money being spent on an unrelated child but I think his own personal circumstances make it all rather unlikely to effect DD1.

Our family dynamic is comfortable but DD2 is very much 'our' child and DD1 is mine. I do the running around because I am available to do it and DP doesn't really have a lot to do with DD1. Mosman's comment really made me think hard about a DC3. I suppose I was hoping that it would make us all more of a family but this is probably a highly naive sentiment. I grew up with two half siblings and I was very different to them. I have been hanging onto this notion that another child will make us closer and I need to seriously think about what is best for everyone.

To clarify, the junior school is not awful. It has reasonable/good Ofsted rating and I was content (although not thrilled because I do have my concerns RE large classes, very big school, vague bullying policies etc) to send DD1 there on the proviso that if it didn't work out we would look for an alternative. The same would apply to DD2 if she goes there. Nothing is ever set in stone and if it wasn't suitable I would do all I could to find something that was for either of my DC's. I think the issue is more that DD1 will undoubtedly benefit from the private school.

I agree that the riding/piano/skating lessons situation needs to be addressed. DD1 does something after school three nights a week and three hours Saturday morning. We have built up to this and she really thrives on it but DD2 will probably only do one or two activities. DP thinks DD1's schedule is OTT and said he doesn't want the same for DD2 but nevertheless is a bit snarky about it all and has started being actively disinterested in DD1's achievements so I'm not sure what he really thinks/wants.

Either way, I'm beginning to realise that this is going to be a continual battle! The simple fact is that my two children have different fathers and they both have different ideas about what is best. I cannot make things completely equal for them but I have a responsibility to try and build a happy home environment. At the moment I am thinking that I will just go for it and send DD1 to the private school and deal with DD2's school situation when it arises.

It's comments like this which worry:

"If DD1 does go though, what stops you from moving house into the catchment of a better school."

In that case, DD1 matters. The OP will have to get a larger house, at an inflated price because of school catchment, because she cares for DD1, so the extra cost of DD1's bedroom needs paying to cover DD2's schooling. She'd have to do so against the backdrop of picking DD1 up from school, providing after-school care, supporting and loving her at home, which makes working longer hours harder.

It's almost impossible to calculate financially what dd1 'costs', and would be hellish and horrible to even start thinking in those terms. I wouldn't even want to start.

But it's a heck of a lot more complicated than 'my daughter, this is for her, this is the cost, sorted' and a bit of a worry that ex doesn't get that.

You can't predict the future anyway. My DD's have all had different opportunities at different times, and if I had refused to allow everything that wasnt equal they would all be worse off.

It sounds like your DP's jealousy of your DD1s opportunities may continue regardless of where she goes to school though. Tricky.

I'm still a bit aghast at everyone saying it's a no brainer to not have dc3. What about DP - does he not get a say about whether he gets a second child? And before anyone says he has got two children already as he's got the OP's 2 dds living with him, he clearly doesn't since it's also been made clear that he shouldn't have any say in her education.
I speak as someone who was denied the (top class) education of her brothers, which I resent for its sexism. However, academically I did better and I'm much better adjusted. All this talk of amazing opportunities and how would she feel being 'denied' this and being sent to local school really overstates the quality of most privates. Yes I know private schools dominate public life but these tend to be the top-flight Westminsters and Etons, not your local private junior school. I went (rubbish) private at secondary and I can safely say that no one from my school is in any position of power. The key difference in UK education is not between state and private but between the really good, v academically selective vs the rest. And even then you could argue that the pupils who get into these schools would do well anywhere.

The ex does his share. He goes to parent meetings and a good number of evening events. So stop making the ex the bad guy. He just wants the best for his dd and he believes along with the op that private schooling is the best. Op's dp can have an opinion but final decision rests with the biological parents.

Our family dynamic is comfortable but DD2 is very much 'our' child and DD1 is mine. I do the running around because I am available to do it and DP doesn't really have a lot to do with DD1

It sounds a difficult situation at the moment and that is before you consider sending DC1 to private school. But I do think it is good that you are discussing not having a 3rd Dc and considering sending DC2 private also.

If dd1 is not "his" as he sees it then he needs to butt out. His opinion diminishes more in my eyes.

But both parents want this-the problem is that one father can afford & the other can´t.

Should the father not be allowed to do this for his daughter because she doesn´t live with him?

I have a younger half brother who was privately educated and tbf spoilt rotten whilst my siblings and i had very little growing up. I was resentful of that for a while, amongst other ishoos with stepfather, and knew I would always do whatever I could to make sure that my children have equal opportunities. That's not to say the 'same' opportunities - children are v different. That said, I think you should send dd1 to the private school and do everything in your power to make sure dd2 gets to go to the school she would be best suited to. As and when the time comes. It seems to me that's what you would do anyway and the fact you are concerned about this shows that you genuinely want to give both girls the best available.
Also check you exH's commitment to paying school fees long-term as it could be more damaging if your dd1 had to leave a school she was settled and happy at further down the line.

If you are going to struggle to afford junior school fees, I would be very cautious about going down the private route.

I (half) agree with PollyParanoia. I think the gap between private and state primaries is relatively small, though obviously it depends on the particular private and the particular state school. You can't always generalise! I'd also agree with her about the idea that there's a top layer of public schools where the pupils do fantastically well (Eton, Marlborough, Harrow, Westminster) as well as a number of private and/or grammar schools (Haberdasher's, Latymer etc). I'm sure in the former case half the reason the ex-students do so well is because they all know each other and give each other jobs.

That said, private schools on the whole are still going to be nicer than state schools, esp. at secondary, because they are better-resourced, have smaller class sizes, don't have to take difficult pupils etc. So I understand why it's a tempting proposition for the OP.

"but nevertheless is a bit snarky about it all and has started being actively disinterested in DD1's achievements so I'm not sure what he really thinks/wants."

This isn't fair on your DD1. She will pick up on your DP's feelings about this and it isn't her fault that the situation is what it is. It will be quite hurtful for her if her stepfather reacts this way when she does well or tries hard at things. I don't know what you can do about it really, but it isn't right that he lets the fact that there are differences in what you and he can afford, and what you and your exH can afford, colour how he sees what DD1 does. And it's troubling if it's slowly getting worse. He needs to deal with his feelings rather than detaching from a child who is not at fault.

I would send her to the private school. I went to private school, my brothers didn't. No resentment or family issues here!

"DD2 is very much 'our' child and DD1 is mine."

In that case he needs to back off.

If he wants DC3 then he will have to work harder, get promoted or get another job. Or the OP will.

Either way the ExP is sounding alot better than the current DP.

I haven't read through entire thread so apologies if I'm duplicating. This is really tricky and I think whatever you decide there could be repercussions. Have you tried swapping the situation around in your mind and imagining you have the money to send your child to private school but your ex has other children and cannot afford to do the same for HIS other children? How would you feel? This is a genuine question to ask yourself (not even sure how I would feel if in same situation). I'm not being very helpful really, sorry, I just don't think you can win. When your children are older you'll be able to explain to them why you chose what you did and hopefully, whatever your decision, they will understand. The very fact that you are seeking advice shows that you are a caring mum who really wants to do the right thing so don't be too hard on yourself whatever you decide. If there's one thing I've learned as a mum to four and half/step siblings(18, 11, 12, 7), you constantly feel guilty for one thing or another Best of luck with whatever you chose to do - not an easy one

I'm glad the OP has responded. To clarify, I am speaking a little from the experience of being a sibling to a half-sister (My full sister lived with her Mum, and she and her new partner had another child, my half-brother, as well).

In retrospect, the only way the relationships worked was because all adults respected the way in which the family unit dictated the lives of all the children and all the adults. My Mum was quietly furious, for instance, that I had to spend weekends when I could be pursuing academic talents follwoing my hugely talented half-sister to athletics meets. But she kept stum until a few years ago.

It is inevitable that over the next twenty years your new family will have to make such choices. All families, even nice vanilla 2-parents, 2-kids ones, do. You may get a job somewhere else, you are already thinking hard about another child because of the time and cost of then also providing for DD1. DD2 may have talents or care needs that cannot be compensated for by DD1 getting extra cash. How will your ex react then, to the child he is paying for suffering because of DD2 or DD3? It just seems to me that it is very important that all the adults realise this.

I'm digging at the ex because so many others dug at the present DP. There isn't an easy answer and, as I have said, I really would do the best for one child and cope with the fallout. But the situation just seems likely to repeat itself over-and-over as long as both men think they have one child and that that child exists independently of the other, whilst expecting you to deal with having two and all the practical problems that come. They both seem to be acting as if there are two people to think about-man and child-and leaving you to deal with the reality that there are five.

final decision is yours and your ex. you have taken your dp's opinion under consideration and decided against him. Good for you.

How do you show a child that you love them? Is it by spending money on them? If you have this sort of family culture, then your child will rightly measure her 'worth' against that of her siblings by counting up how much has been spent on each.

An alternative approach is to give each one what they need as far as possible, whatever the cost. It usually evens out anyway.

In your family it looks as if one child will always be better off financially than the other/s. All you can do, imo, to minimise the damage, is not to focus on what each one has but to build up their self-esteem, make sure they know they are loved and valued for the person they are (I'm sure you do this anyway). Ime, it's those who feel loved who feel least resentment and sibling rivalry.

Hi- I have only skimmed this, but an anecdote.

I lived for some years with the middle of three brothers. He and the elder were pretty bright, the younger not so much. The dad was very money-minded and logical (he was a lawyer) and they sent the first two to private school as they had "potential" but sent the younger one to the local comp as he wasn't academically as talented and his ambition was to be a mechanic which required less academic credentials.

I know it's a different situation but the younger son really resented his "substandard" schooling and it caused a lot of issues between the siblings. It was also always thrown back during arguments, i.e. "you didn't care enough about me to send me to a decent school!"

I don't think it matters that the circumstances of sending your girls to different schools mean that it is logical and that you can justify it- it is only going to make the younger one feel rubbish about herself. Don't do it.

I didn't read whole thread; but many siblings do not go to the same school (think of brothers & sisters going to single sex schools). Me and my two sisters all went to different secondary schools.

I think trying to plan to much for the future can be dentrimental -- live in the now.

DC2 could get a bursary for the pvt school -- not likely but possible.

Do what is best for DD1 -- the potentiality of DC3 should not rob her of opportunities when that child has not been conceived.

Two thoughts:-

1. This AIBU topic might be a good one for traffic, but if you re-post in the step-parents section you might find lots of people with direct experience of this who can help provide alternative viewpoints
2. If I were the ex and were denied the right to pay for my DD's education and expected instead to settle for a school that was agreed by both parents to be pretty ropey, I would probably go to court to get a ruling on this.

DD2 is very much 'our' child and DD1 is mine. I do the running around because I am available to do it and DP doesn't really have a lot to do with DD1.

So your DP doesn't really have much to do with DD1's parenting, and doesn't see her as his child, yet still thinks he gets to dictate taking an opportunity away from her? That doesn't sound good.

DP thinks DD1's schedule is OTT and said he doesn't want the same for DD2 but nevertheless is a bit snarky about it all and has started being actively disinterested in DD1's achievements

To be honest it sounds like your DP is jealous of the fact that DD1 has a wealthier father, and is behaving spitefully about the school because of it. You say that you thought a 3rd DC would help the family dynamic, but if the problem here is your DP's relationship with DD1 then another baby isn't going to help that.

Under the circumstances I think you should send DD1 to the private school and then figure something out for DD2 when the time comes. Private schools often do discounts for younger siblings, so it may be more doable than you think. And I would have a good think about DP and DD1's relationship - it can't be nice to have a stepfather is snarky about your father's relative wealth.

Send DD1 private.

Your DDs are different. They have different fathers, one of whom earns twice as much as the other. Your DD1 is an only child as far as her father is concerned.

What will happen when she goes to uni and has financial support from her father? Is she supposed to turn it down because your DP won't be able to give as much to your other DC? What about when she buys her first home? Is she supposed to turn down the deposit from her father because you can't offer one to her half siblings?

Dictionary, the whole point here is that it's not the same parent sending one and not the other! It's one father sending his child to private school and another man wanting her not to go because he can't afford to pay for his child to go there too.