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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP *not* to smoke weed on sex night?

138 replies

blapbird · 12/05/2012 21:48

We very rarely have sex these days because he works nights, I work days as well as study and when he does get time off (ie today) I come home from work all excited to spend a lovely evening together and he has been to his mates house and is quite stoned so therefore lethargic and unable to connect with me because I am not Sad
AIBU to have had a bit of a go at him about this? I feel like I've burst his bubble on his one bit of leisure time, but Im starting to worry about the lack of sex
AIBU?
TIA

OP posts:
Trills · 12/05/2012 21:49

"Sex night"?

YANBU to expect him to prioritise spending time with you and make sure he is in a suitable state to do so.

Are you worried that he doesn't actually want to have sex with you and is making excuses?

Tee2072 · 12/05/2012 21:49

Did he know it was sex night?

Also...you have a sex night?

WhiteWidow · 12/05/2012 21:50

I think you should talk to him about how you feel.

Sarsaparilllla · 12/05/2012 21:51

UABU to have 'sex night' Hmm

& personally, being stoned makes me horny - so I don't think it would put a stop to sexy time if he was wanting it?

Original poster
blapbird · 12/05/2012 21:52

No we don't really have 'sex night' as such, I was a bit 'tongue in cheek' in the title, it's just that we'd promised each other massages etc as it's the one night we have in together where he isn't all tired.
I know he loves me for definite , its just I feel like a bitch for getting all funny with him when he was just trying to have fun with his mates, I dont want to be that girlfriend, IABU aren't I? Sad

OP posts:
Migsy1 · 12/05/2012 21:55

Depends on whether it was a one off or if he behaves like this regularly.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/05/2012 21:57

If it is a one off then YABU.

If it is a regular thing, and he puts fun with mates ahead of time with you then YANBU.

What you should have done was plan that he brought you some weed home, then you could have been stoned too!

I'm glad that you don't actually have 'sex night' Grin

Sarsaparilllla · 12/05/2012 21:58

Why can't you still do massages just because he's a bit stoned?

Original poster
blapbird · 12/05/2012 22:02

I think because I don't smoke weed ever, I don't like the smell on him, so I dont know why he'd want to be in this state around me, he should have just stayed at his mates house where they were all in that space, he would have been happy there, it's never been something I have liked but he doesn't do it much.
IABU for bursting his bubble, I'll have to say sorry, thanks want to say y'all but know how unforgiving AIBU is everyone Grin

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 12/05/2012 22:07

How much has he smoked if he's in a 'state' Hmm

I just never find people being stoned as different to they are normally, it's not like being horrifically pissed!!

I don't think he could win tbh, if he had stayed at his mates like you suggest you'd be pissed off he wasn't spending time with you - whereas he's come home to spend time with you and you're on her moaning about him rather than spending time with him!?

Original poster
blapbird · 12/05/2012 22:08

I know IABU poor DP, thanks though

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 12/05/2012 22:10

I think he is being out of order. Plenty of people have a "date night" - it doesn't matter what you call it, the intention is basically the same - to spend some uninterrupted time together, which can be hard when you have kids, no money and no babysitters or other reasons why it's hard to go out for dates.

DP works nights too and we tend to have sex either in the mornings if he comes home and DS hasn't got up yet, after I drop DS at nursery if I've got a late start, or just before he leaves and I go to bed. It's rare we get any time during the day to do it and in the evenings we're often completely mismatched or both not really interested so it doesn't happen. We do plan out some evenings where we'll spend some time together though, and I'd be hurt if he did something purposefully which wrecked this.

Yes it would be bad if you stopped him from ever seeing his friends or got upset every time he had fun without you, but it's not unreasonable at all to be narked that he's done something which effectively ruined your night together.

However, if you find you do get upset every time he has fun with his friends, that's probably telling you something - maybe you're feeling a bit left out because you never have time to spend with your friends? Or perhaps you need to rearrange the timing of the date nights to make sure that you get time together AND time to relax alone/with separate friends. Both are important. Or are you upset because you don't like the way he acts when he is with his friends? To be honest, the drug use would bother me - I don't know whether it does you. Either the drugs themselves or the after-effects leading from them.

Tangointhenight · 12/05/2012 22:11

Sorry but I don't think YABU... if he knew this was your special night and you're not a fan of weed then he should've made the effort not to smoke it, but I hate the effect weed has on people, its as if they are there but not there!

SundaeGirl · 12/05/2012 22:15

YANBU.

Sarsaparilllla · 12/05/2012 22:17

If it is a special night and the only time you get to spend togther then get off mumsnet and spend some time with him, how can you do that at all if you're on here?!

SundaeGirl · 12/05/2012 22:19

I think the special night thing was blown by the weed not MN!

PickledFanjoCat · 12/05/2012 22:21

I don't think your being unreasonable there is nothing as annoying as a stoned partner when you don't smoke. It's not too much to ask if your normally pretty laid back, just that if your having a night together he lays off the weed?

rainydaysarebad · 12/05/2012 22:29

And here was me thinking drugs are illegal, yet everyone seems to be talking about it like its normal to smoke weed Hmm.....

kikid · 12/05/2012 22:32

for some peope it is normal, rainy.

Original poster
blapbird · 12/05/2012 22:35

After me having a go at him, he fell asleep on the sofa and hasn't woken up since, that was 3 hours ago Hmm
I did wake him up to say sorry (I am sorry for bursting his bubble) but what do I do with the disappointment and sexual frustration? He said sorry back so all will be okay in the am. Hmm

OP posts:
rainydaysarebad · 12/05/2012 22:35

I wonder what other illegal activities are normal for some people.

fluffypillow · 12/05/2012 22:37

YANBU.

Original poster
blapbird · 12/05/2012 22:37

keep hoiking them up rainy

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 12/05/2012 22:38

Plenty, rainy. Some people ignore the law.

WorraLiberty · 12/05/2012 22:38

I used to love stoned sex Grin

YANBU apart from the sex night thing

It's no good if one of you is on a different level...whether that's high, drunk or merry.

Tell him next time that you're going to want sex on his weed night and see how he likes it Grin

I have to ask....do you have sausage and mash every Tuesday?

My Aunt has to have sausage and mash even if she doesn't want it....just because it's Tuesday and that's 'sausage and mash night'?!?!

I don't want to think about her and my uncle having sex...but I suspect they also had 'sex nights'....probably just after the 10 o'clock News Grin