to ask DP *not* to smoke weed on sex night?

[blapbird]

We very rarely have sex these days because he works nights, I work days as well as study and when he does get time off (ie today) I come home from work all excited to spend a lovely evening together and he has been to his mates house and is quite stoned so therefore lethargic and unable to connect with me because I am not
AIBU to have had a bit of a go at him about this? I feel like I've burst his bubble on his one bit of leisure time, but Im starting to worry about the lack of sex
AIBU?
TIA

He treats me really well, its just the isolated situation of sex if we can sort this out, all will be well in the blapbird camp.

is sex not that important to you ?

believe me, if he's uninterested in that dept now (because he is more interested in weed), it won't improve after the babies come along

The measure of a father is how he treats the mother of his children

Seriously? I've seen some shite in my time but that's ridiculous.

What you infer is a subservient role where a father should bow to a mother.

A father should show respect to the mother of his children at all times but nothing else. A mother is neither above or below a father. And more to the point that respect should be mutual.

I'm actually speechless.

blapbird do you think the lack of sex is down to his weed smoking or his night shifts...or both even?

I know when my DH works nights it makes him feel permanently 'sicky'...he can't eat properly, sleep properly and even his 'toilet habits' get turned on their head.

you don't sound speechless, sparks

far from it, in fact

I think it's a mixture of both having opposite schedules, him becoming a bit 'bish bash bosh jobs a goodun' in bed, so earlier on I used to refuse because I was unused to having to ask for what I really wanted now I do ask and have made it clear what I need want, he is a bit discouraged because of the earlier days of me telling him no but it's only because he became so (out for his own pleasure) lazy.
Anyway no matter where is started this is about more than weed, last night was a symptom of a bigger problem that I really hope we can sort out, Thanks though, for you help.
Sorry weed really at the 'centre of the centre of the overall problem

isn't

OP
People who take drugs are not bad people.
So I'd ignore those judgey comments. Blimey ,what about the thousands of people that use cannabis for pain relief .

Weed smokers are not all in the Jeremy Kyle category - some people really do live in a cave.

At the end of the day you need to feel loved and cared for in a relationship.

Everybody has limits , you know yours. Dont compromise yourself - I don't think you will.

If you want children with this man it's worth bearing in mind that the weed will significantly affect his sperm count. And apart from that , day to day short term memory can become quite poor , so that might affect him in the reliability stakes !

Take good care and good luck.

It seems to me that this thread has gone a bit off track here.
IMO I think it comes down to the fact that your DP was a bit thoughtless on this occasion. If he has 1 joint every few months, he is not a "druggie" as others have labeled, nor someone from Jeremy Kyle. You cannot tar everyone with the same brush. So many people smoke it, more than some people realise. A lot of UNi students do. Does this make them down & outs of society? Sadly, weed smoking is stereotyped, & you will always face that hurdle.
You know the situation in your relationship. We all do things that are a bit inconsiderate sometimes. It's easy to blame the weed for the cause of problems. I do it all the time with my DP, but sometimes, you just need to take a step back & look at the situation from another angle.

Why is that making you speechless, Sparks? It's an oft used quote that could just as easily be turned the other way - "A measure of a mother is how she treats the father of her children". Mutual respect, no? I automatically turn role specific quotes around to see if they fit - and they always do, without any fuss at all.

OP... you know you're not in the wrong, it's just a disappointment and you can post here without being told that you're 'settling for a lesser person'. All couples have difficulties at some point, that's life. Sometimes one partner doesn't 'get' the significance of prioritising within the time they have.

... and I agree with Worra too. The label-attaching is getting rabid, and really quite tired.

I don't want to start a new thread so can someone please inform me here. Are there really no potential legal problems of using weed? I sort of assume that some employers would fire you if they knew you were a user or that the police could take action if they wanted to. Is it not risky at all then? What about driving afterwards etc?

if he's uninterested in that dept now (because he is more interested in weed), it won't improve after the babies come along

Really? I have 2 dc & we are having our best sex ever...I think you are making too many general assumptions.

OP, when you say lack of sex, how much of a lack?
How long have you been together?

I think all things considered, we cannot help OP on the information we have here, to be fair.

My dh got pissed last week & fell asleep on a night I was raring to go...I let him sleep & didn't see it as a big deal! I'll get him next time.

He has been used to you saying no to him, I wonder how that affected him at the time? If he felt the way you do now? Not saying it justifies it, or that he got stoned on purpose.

Let him sleep it off & see what happens in the morning ;)

And yes, my dh did smoke before we had dc.

Everthing AnyFucker has said.

Weed ruins people's lives. It ruined mine. I hate the drug. I hate how it changes people when they are on it and I hate what it does. It's class B for a reason.

There's a reason its still illegal in this country, nuff said!

there is soon to be a new law, I believe

drug driving

OP, your P used to be shit in bed, yes ? So you objected to that (rightly) and started expecting that you get more out of it (absolutely rightly). He didn't like that and reduced intimacy unilaterally and is now (even if it isn't every week) demonstrating that weed-smoking with his mates trumps sexy time with you.

That wouldn't be ok in my relationship. And yes, having dc brings all sorts of new pressures to a couple. Someone with a history of withdrawing when things don't go his own way, and he has to put a bit of effort in, doesn't strike me as a great prospect, tbh

My old neighbour lost her licence due to 'drug driving'. And then her job as she couldn't get in! She also almost killed the other neighbours child and trashed a car of someone visiting my house. She had driven less than 5 metres causing this carnage!!

Weed is dangerous.

So is alcohol and strong prescription drugs if you're going to drive while using them.

In fact cars are dangerous if you're not going to drive them responsibly.

Exactly so, Worra and StrandedBeer.

It's easy to twist words on a thread. Nobody lives completely 'safe' lives, we make choices.

Weed really hasn't been great for one of my brothers but, it's had zero negative effect on one of my friends who smokes it regularly.

Its not a "pro" or "anti" weed argument here to me, I just find it wrong to label this man a "druggie" and potentially an unfit father for smoking weed every three months.

Drink/Drugs/Sex/Gambling/Food - we could all name a friend who has a problem with some or all of the above. The are all dangerous for some people. You wouldn't label this man an alcoholic if the post had said he drinks once every three months.

Agree, Pickled. The labelling on MN is beyond ridiculous. Some posters slap them on with absolutely no information or knowledge whatsoever.

Lying I'm cracking up here at StrandedBeer

Freudian slip?