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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why people find out the sex of their babybbefore its born?

318 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 09/05/2012 13:40

Not judging, not sniping, just wondering.

Smile

I know we all do things differently and I like to live and let live and all that, but the emotions that I felt when finding out the sex of my baby after given birth were incredible and I can't imagine the emotions experienced when told at 20 weeks could in any way compare iyswim?

Obviously I understand sexing a baby if there's health implications. Smile

As I said I'm not judging or sniping, just genunely curious as to people's rationale.

Is it a bit like the Evervest attitude?

OP posts:
ViolaCrayola · 09/05/2012 14:12

I didn't find out with DS, but am pregnant with DC2 and have found out this time (it's a girl).

So I've done it both ways and I get a little bit annoyed when people seem superior about their own choice (mostly those who choose not to find out). Both ways are good - they're different but not worlds apart.

It was great to have the mystery with DS, the uncertainty and the excitement right up to the birth. OTOH, the moments just after the birth were a bit of a blur for me so the finding out he was a boy kind of merged into everything else at that moment.

Finding out this time was great too - it was a really special moment when the sonographer told us and it felt like a nice treat half way through a v difficult pregnancy - telling family and friends was lovely too. I like calling the bump/baby 'her' although we won't be naming her until after she's born. Everything else about her is still a huge mystery.

SO, in conclusion, both have their pros and cons - I felt just like you OP when I was pregnant with DS but now I feel differently. I didn't really have a 'rationale', beyond thinking that it felt right and it was what I wanted - just like with DS and I guess just like it was for you with your choice.

MissPenteuth · 09/05/2012 14:13

I can see why it would be nice to have a surprise, but I'm too impatient to wait any longer than I have to Grin And tbh, it's still as much of a surprise at 20w as it would be at 40w or whatever. Though actually I still bought mainly unisex things for DD just in case the scan was wrong.

I find it weird when people say they "can't understand" why others would do things differently to themselves. Really?

HillyWallaby · 09/05/2012 14:14

It's a sign of Broken Britain Chaos. No-one can do delayed gratification for anything, not even a baby any more.

What I think (I am being very serious for a moment is that getting incredibly attached to the baby's perceived identity, by naming it, telling everyone its name months in advance, looking at very close up pictures of late scans where you can see clear facial features etc, as opposed to just being all gooey and excited about the impending outing of your unnamed, unsexed, unseen bump is probably making it ten times harder to deal with the awful trauma of MCs. I know it is always an actual bereavement, but I imagine the more weeks you have spent feeling that you know that child, talking to it by name, gazing at its face, imagining the ballet lessons, or the football practice, buying gender specific clothing etc, must make it SOOO much harder to bear.

HillyWallaby · 09/05/2012 14:14

Sorry, forget to close me brackets. Confused

Emphaticmaybe · 09/05/2012 14:16

Having done both I think I preferred not knowing.

DC 1- had no preference so really didn't mind, didn't ask. Really enjoyed the moment at birth when we found out he was a boy.
DC 2&3 twins - felt differently, needed some time to get my head around the possibility of 3 boys, plus having lots of scans the question, 'do you want to know the sex?' kept coming up. In retrospect I think it did take something away knowing in advance, but not enough to warrant too much regret. We had twin girls in the end.
DC 4- chose not to know and enjoyed the surprise. I guess I just like surprises if I really don't mind either outcome.

It's like knowing you're going to get a fantastic gift but with the extra excitement of not knowing which one.

napluster · 09/05/2012 14:16

Did those people who didn't ask the sex have tests for downs?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 09/05/2012 14:16

We found out the sex of ds2 because ds1 had died a couple of months previous and we wanted to mentally prepare ourselves if the baby was another boy (there were lots of conflicting emotions about having another a baby, were we replacing ds1? etc)

We also found out the sex of ds3, I think that was because we could, and so we could be organised. As it was, there was no need to be organised!

FioFio · 09/05/2012 14:17

Does it though Hilly? Do you really think people who have babies who are stillborn or die shortly after birth don't feel like that anyway as part of the grieving process? whether they knew the sex or not? The death of a child either in utero or postnatally surely is the same loss and pain whether you know the sex or not?

Blu · 09/05/2012 14:17

I don't believe I was either 'simpering' or 'disingenuous' as some posters below seem to think of 'those that don't' Hmm.

I wanted to wait and know once the baby was actally there - I liked the distinction between 'being pg' and 'having a baby' and referring to it as he / she seemed to blur that somehow. I can't really explain it, any more than some people who just wanted to know can! I can understand why people wnat to know, though.

Had I found out I wouldn't have told other people. We didn't tell anyone names, either. By the time I was visibly pg I was already fed up with the nonsense people talk about boys / girls / names / homebirths / what i should or shouldn't be doing / anything else you care to mention!

QueenOfF1amingEverything · 09/05/2012 14:18

napluster - no, I didn't Smile

FioFio · 09/05/2012 14:18

napluster, would they be the downs in sussex? Hmm

kelly2525 · 09/05/2012 14:18

I paid for private scans, the first one at 16 weeks was to find out gender, it was money well spent, he had his legs wide open so it was clear even to my untrained eye he was a boy, cue me shouting out 'I can see a willy, I can can't i? Its a willy!

The reason I wanted to know? Like others, I'm impatient and I wanted to be organised and buy things that werent all white or awful pastel colours, but mostly because im impatient.

juneau · 09/05/2012 14:19

We didn't find out with DS1, although I was 99% sure he was a boy. When he was born I was so utterly exhausted that finding out his sex wasn't all that exciting TBH.

With DS2 I wasn't bothered whether I found out or not, but DH really wanted to know and was a bit freaked out that we might have a girl and he wouldn't know how to deal with a girl Hmm so I figured it was better to find out so he'd have a few months to get used to a girl if we were expecting one. Anyway, DS2 was another boy, so panic was averted.

QueenOfF1amingEverything · 09/05/2012 14:19

And I am confused as to how waiting until the birth is 'disingenuous' Hmm

FioFio · 09/05/2012 14:22

The hospital where I had my first two had a policy of not telling you due to the high number of aborted female fetuses. Whole generations of simpering women

Kveta · 09/05/2012 14:23

Blu you probably weren't simpering. Some folk I know have been, and it annoys me :) Some people are bastards regardless of whether they know the sex or not though :o

these folk I know have done the 'oh, but you've spoiled the surprise now' as well as the 'we only want a healthy baby!' shit. Well, fine, but it's my surprise to 'spoil' and I want a healthy baby too. knowing the sex makes no difference to that, as previously mentioned. I don't care if other people find out about their children, and wouldn't pass comment on it, but for some reason me finding out is in some way a failure in their eyes. Not sure why?

startail · 09/05/2012 14:23

Because DH and I desperately wanted a girl. I wanted to get round the idea of having a boy before being presented with one.

Also I'm a nosey so and so and hate the idea of anyone knowing something I don't.

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 09/05/2012 14:24

Ahha Hilly - you may have hit the nail on my head - I love delayed gratifixation - I mostly open my Christmas presents on Boxing Day.

Also I think one of the things that has made (forced) me into a don't find out advocate is the fact that the hospital had a no sexy policy when I was pregnant with DC1 and I wanted to do that same with all my pregnancies.

There's been sonevgreat posts on here to help me understand the other viewpoint, so thanks everyone who's posted.

OP posts:
HillyWallaby · 09/05/2012 14:25

I cannot know for sure fio as luckily I have never needed to find out, but think it would, yes. I am just imagining how it would feel to me, though - not telling anyone else what they should feel, or have felt.

Whatevertheweather · 09/05/2012 14:27

Actually Hilly I think the opposite; having lost my DD at birth but I can understand why people might assume knowing would make a stillbirth/neonatal death harder. Having been through there's pretty much nothing that can make it harder than it is.

One of the hardest things for me losing a full term baby was that I felt robbed of any chance to get to know her. So this time I have found out the sex, I will be having a 4d scan and getting a dvd of it because god forbid if the worst does happen again I want to have as many memories of her as possible.

ViolaCrayola · 09/05/2012 14:28

Liking the 'no sexy' policy :)

FoofyShmooffer · 09/05/2012 14:28

Chaos Grin you big naughty.

With DS just cos.

With DD, because DS would not countenance a sister. A brother or a tortoise yes. A sister, no way

Blu · 09/05/2012 14:28

As someone who spent a week after our 20wk scan on the floor howling at the possibility that our baby had a trisomy not compaitble with life, I can tell you that I am sure it wouldn't have been any easier had I known the sex.

I had amnio as a result of the number of 'soft markers' on the scan and asked not to be told the sex.

I knew he would be born with 'congenital abnormalities'. By then, maybe i just wanted there to be something that we didn't know!

But it makes me worry a bit on behalf of people who view scans solely as a way to see the baby, get to know it, a sneak-preview, take the other kids so they can see the new baby brother / sister etc. IME scans are diagnostic health screens, for confirming all is well or discovering otherwise.

FioFio · 09/05/2012 14:31

are you sure blu, I have read on here the sonographer does them because he or she likes to know the sex before the parents and it must be true because someones uncles brothers dads aunt told them!

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 09/05/2012 14:32

'It's a sign of Broken Britain Chaos. No-one can do delayed gratification for anything, not even a baby any more.'

What an incorrect and sweeping statement.