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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why people find out the sex of their babybbefore its born?

318 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 09/05/2012 13:40

Not judging, not sniping, just wondering.

Smile

I know we all do things differently and I like to live and let live and all that, but the emotions that I felt when finding out the sex of my baby after given birth were incredible and I can't imagine the emotions experienced when told at 20 weeks could in any way compare iyswim?

Obviously I understand sexing a baby if there's health implications. Smile

As I said I'm not judging or sniping, just genunely curious as to people's rationale.

Is it a bit like the Evervest attitude?

OP posts:
bettybat · 09/05/2012 13:56

Because I can and I want to Grin

The name thing...I'm struggling with boys names

Boy or girl - I just want to start referring to it properly instead of it, they, them, little one, etc.

Because I think it will be make it seem so much more real because despite the massive bump, the 12 week scan with the heartbeat and pictures, and the never-ending physical changes..I'm still struggling to actually get a grip on the situation that we'll be parents in 5 months Grin

Herrena · 09/05/2012 13:56

Forgot to mention - with the first one I was terrified of having a girl because I had a crap relationship with my own mother growing up and I simply don't know how a 'good' mother-daughter relationship is meant to go.

I was really worried that if I had a girl I'd be trying NOT to do things all the time, whereas with a boy I have no clue how to proceed and so would at least make novel mistakes!

After having DS1 I realised that I might have been worrying unnecessarily and so was quite keen to have a girl... not to be, it seems!

nethunsreject · 09/05/2012 13:58

It wasn't for me, no, but I am in a minority amongst my pals.

I LOVED the surprise, and I'm sure they loved knowing just as much.

lockets · 09/05/2012 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredFredGeorge · 09/05/2012 13:59

Part of the joy of having your baby in your arms after giving birth was finding out if it was a boy or a girl? You're saying the emotion of that moment would be less if you already knew the sex - why was the sex so important, and what emotion was really attached to that? Would there have been even more joy if you were surprised with the fact it was actually a monkey - I assume you knew you were having a baby?

Some people like to know things, some people don't - who cares!

MsGee · 09/05/2012 13:59

Curiosity, wanting to plan, helping with bonding.

I do Grin when people say that they want a surprise (particularly with their first). I found the labour surprising enough Wink

BikeRunSki · 09/05/2012 14:01

First time - Curiosity. And the sonographer was certain and I didn't want anyone to know something about me that I didn't.
Second time - Expectation management for DS, who really wanted a brother. He is still waiting for his 6 month old baby sister to turn into a boy.

thirdhill · 09/05/2012 14:03

You choose whether you want to know, just remember everyone in your care team does know already, and they have to pretend every time they see you that they don't.
I know too many Obstetricians to comment further.Grin

Bunnyjo · 09/05/2012 14:03

Found out with DD at 22wk, DH had a vivid dream before we even knew I was pregnant and he was holding a baby girl - he wanted to know if his dream was a premonition rather than just a dream, which of course it was Grin.

With DS, we found out at the 20wk scan. Our DD was desperate for a baby sister and we wanted a little time to prepare her, if she was a he (as indeed he is). Funnily enough, I was calling my bump a 'he' from about 13wk, despite feeling exactly the same dog shit rough through both pregnancies.

GooseyLoosey · 09/05/2012 14:03

Several reasons:

  1. Each time, I had a marginal preference as to the sex of the baby and did not want any sense of disappointment when it was born.
  1. Made choosing names so much easier
  1. Why not? I can see no reason whatsoever to keep it a secret.
exexe · 09/05/2012 14:04

Even when people want a 'surprise' there'll be lots of guesses made by all those know it alls. 'I can tell you're having a boy because of how wide your arse has become' etc
I want to save myself from all that Smile

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/05/2012 14:04

Mine was for the "worst" reason... I really, really wanted a girl (I know!) and I wanted to be prepared if it was a boy. She's a girl.

I know how comments like that upset people but it's how I felt. In hindsight, I'm certain I would have been as overwhelmed with love either way but this was in the days when I still had ideas about parenting.

AWomanCalledHorse · 09/05/2012 14:05

I didn't want to know, for me it's a bit 'counting your chickens before they've hatched'.
Had a late scan at 37wks to check for heart defects and a part of me wanted to find out then as we were bracing ourselves for bad news and it might have helped me come to terms with it? IYSWIM?
Thankfully it was all clear & DS is a picture of health.

If other people want to know, nothing against it.

In Mothercare last week, a woman was exchanging about £300 worth of stuff because the scan said 'girl' and it was a boy.

chrisrobin · 09/05/2012 14:05

I didn't know with DS1, but his delivery was awful and he was delivered with an EMCS under GA. I didn't really come round properly (health reasons) for 8 hours, when I did come round there was no baby next to me and I couldn't reach my call button, so I ended up looking on my wrist band to find out what sex baby I had had (well, I was looking for any information really). That is a rubbish way to find out so in case something similar happened again we found out at the 20 week scan that DS2 was a boy. That way I knew before other people (at the time it upset me that everyone in both families knew before me that I had had a boy, don't know why) and didn't find out via a piece of paper.

GrimmaTheNome · 09/05/2012 14:06

I wish everyone would find out ahead of time, just to get rid of extraneous baby name threads where people are trying to find a male and a female name Grin

ladyintheradiator · 09/05/2012 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenOfF1amingEverything · 09/05/2012 14:07

I didn't find out through a scan, but I knew well in advance that DD would be a girl and DS would be a boy - I just did and I have no idea how [shrug]

With DD the hospital policy was not to tell, so even if I'd wanted to know it would've been tough luck. With DS we chose not to have the 20 week scan anyway so it was a non-issue.

outyougo · 09/05/2012 14:08

Because you can. There is no reason to find out the sex of the baby after birth either but people do ask. I didn't see the genitals of one of mine for 6 days. I did know the sex from the scan but had I not, and had I waited those 6 days to find out people would have though me mad.
Its practical

Its still a surprise

You can prepare other household children for the impending bedroom shake-up (in houses with lots of kids anyway).

cece · 09/05/2012 14:08

I didn't find out with any of mine. No desire to do so either, nor DH. I like the anticipation and specualtion of what gender it could be. Smile Also gives more opportunity for name discussions - twice the fun. I think I am just a delyaed gratification type of girl.

Empusa · 09/05/2012 14:09

I had a really rough pregnancy, so rough I considered aborting, so we found out the sex in the hope it would stop me thinking of the baby as a parasite. It worked, I felt much more bonded with him.

MsPaperbackWriter · 09/05/2012 14:09

Well my emotion at finding out at my scans was overwhelming as amazing and I loved knowing and preparing to meet my little boy and then my little girl and getting things ready in blue and pink. Each to their own and all that, to me it was lovely finding out before the births and I couldn't imagine waiting.

MummytoKatie · 09/05/2012 14:10

We were wavering until my dad said "I'd find out because the sonographer will know and I'd hate the idea that someone else knew something about my child that I didn't." which convinced us.

Also it was e fact that you either found out at 20 weeks or waited until 40 weeks. Another 20 weeks just seemed too long to wait. If we'd been having another scan at 30 weeks we might have waited until then and then decided not to.

It made it much easier with names as well. Before the scan we had no clue for either sex. Within days of the scan we had a girls name and an "emergency" boys name. It was just all a lot more real.

In the end I haemorrhaged very badly just after dd was born so being told that she was ok was accompanied by a strange whooshing sound in my ears and I don't really remember being told she was a girl as I was losing consciousness at that point. On the other hand I have a lovely lovely clear memory of finding out the sex at 20 weeks that no-one can ever take away from me.

wimblehorse · 09/05/2012 14:12

All the above ^^

In no particular order...

  1. Because it would be weird for the sonographer to know and keep it from me
  2. To help prepare DS for the arrival of brother OR sister
  3. To help me prepare for the arrival - and know whether I need to get some new clothes or whether I can re-use
  4. To stop the speculation over "what I am having"
  5. To prevent me wasting time thinking up baby names for the wrong gender
  6. Because having a newborn baby is as much of a shock to the system as I can take - the "surprise" over whether it's a boy or girl is neither here nor there compared with that
  7. Because how much of a "surprise" is it really? It's a boy, or a girl. Not a mountain bike or an elephant.

HTH

lemonlymon · 09/05/2012 14:12

Yes, YABU.

I found out the sex of all my children, and holding my babies straight after birth was still pretty incredible.

jellybeans · 09/05/2012 14:12

In my experience it is just as exciting finding out at 20 weeks and it does help with bonding. In my case we found out with the later 3 (with the first 2 they didn't offer it) because both times (one was twins) we had lost a baby late in pregnancy before and felt we mentally could prepare better if we knew to bond with the new baby. Also, with twins we felt financially we needed to prepare (they were the opposite sex to first two). I found out with the two we lost also and am glad we had that excitement then at the scan because we didn't have that when they were born. So I had everything with DS3; 3d scans, gender scan etc because we didn't know whether or not we would have a baby at the end, those could have been our only memories.