to not understand why people find out the sex of their babybbefore its born?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Not judging, not sniping, just wondering.

I know we all do things differently and I like to live and let live and all that, but the emotions that I felt when finding out the sex of my baby after given birth were incredible and I can't imagine the emotions experienced when told at 20 weeks could in any way compare iyswim?

Obviously I understand sexing a baby if there's health implications.

As I said I'm not judging or sniping, just genunely curious as to people's rationale.

Is it a bit like the Evervest attitude?

To clarify, if there are health reasons/genetics, then I completely understand the need to know and to prepare.

people do not CHOOSE to have a sex preference, but if they do isn't it right that they do all they can to address not supress it (which causes bigger problems for the child), and if that includes finding out the sex to "prepare" themselves then that is good right?

suppress what exactly? prepare for what exactly? That is what people cant seem to put into words.

Is it because they think that "if i dont have a dd then I will never get to go shopping and do her hair, and have girly chats"

Or

"i will never get to kick a footie around with or buy him his first pint"

Or do we, as men/women want a child in our own image?

I am asking this seriously as I am trying to understand what lies behind the 'disappointment'

their anxiety about being able to parent one sex as well as the other

again, children are individuals who will all need a variety of parenting techniques and approaches according to their individual needs and developmental stage. What has their gender got to do with it?

so people shouldn't address their parenting deamons at all, just block them out and hope for the best , or just take your advice and just stop feeling that way - easy!

there are gender differences, every boy in my antenatal class group walked by one with the mothers of girls worrying about their non walkers, every girl talked early and almost every boy was referred to SALT (and turned out to be fine) denying developmental differences does noone any good. Almost all my friends and myself raised our children in a GN way yet the boys are very boyish and the girls are very girlish. A room full of girls is a completely different dynamic to a room full of boys!

Raven some people just do have a sex preference. There is no obvious reason behind it - my grandmother is still disappointed, nearly 60 years on, that neither of her children were girls. She cannot really explain why.

My sister spent the 1st half of her pregnancy telling us she was having a girl, as she 'knew' she was - her scan showed this not to be the case, so she had time to get used to the idea of a son. She adores her wee boy, but I can imagine had she not known for sure that he was male, the birth would have been a shock.

and some people have had bad experiences as, for example, the son of a mother who wanted girls, or the daughter in a family where boys are revered - so there may be some anxiety about history repeating itself.

However, finding out the sex does not mean that you do have a preference. To me, it was like finding out that the baby has the correct number of heart chambers, or limbs. It is an aspect of biology, not a massively important one, but of interest to me. If it can be seen on the scan, then why not find out?

and Raven, the people who admit to their preferences in the context of doing something about over comming them (like by finding out at the scan) are the people who are doing all they can to NOT transfer these issues, from whatever source, onto their children. It is the people who have these issues who do not even admit to a problem let alone do anything to address them who are the real problem for the CHILDREN

the people I know who very clearly prefer one child over the other would never ever admit to it, the people who do talk through their anxieties when pregnant all turned out to be very wonderful fair loving parents

monkey i would hate to think that parents had demons about one sex or another - by all means acknowledge anxieties but also get a grip and realise that a baby needs a particular set of parenting skills that are gender neutral.

Your anecdote about the boys and girls in your antenatal class is not fact or scientific. Not going to get into a nature/nurture debate here.

kveta your sister 'Knew' - how? and then found out that she was having a boy. But surely she would have known that she had a roughly 50/50 chance of either sex? How would it be a shock if you were guessing 50/50?

Sorry to bang on, and I realise that I have a particular set of experiences on which I rely.

I expected (and did) experience overwhelming emotions at the birth despite already knowing she was a girl. Given this, the decision was based on practicality - it made choosing a name and buying clothes easier.

Also, finding out in advance meant an extra "special day" (which didn't detract from the day of birth). I have also heard people say it makes bonding easier for DH, but not sure if there's any evidence for that.

I had a sex preference for DC2, but didn't realise until I had the scan. (I appreciate that sex differences aren't always logical and individual differences are often more important than sex differences). Finding out the sex in advance meant that I have had time to realise how illogical my preference, and my reasons for it, were and am now very excited to be having a boy.

Raven I think the point Kveta makes is that her sister was convinced she knew, but was wrong - people do not always think rationally.

Raven, I think kveta is saying that her sister had strong feelings she was carrying a girl, which she chose to share with her family.

Some people do get those strong inclinations, despite rationality suggesting 50/50 split.

Oh x post with Anais :)

well they do Raven, and they can be deep, so its as idiotic to say they should just "get a grip" about it as it is to apply "get a grip" to any other deep seated anxiety!

You can't just "get a grip", you have to acknowledge your anxiety and spend time working it through, not allowing people to admit to their anxieties is not allowing that process to take place

and anxieties are not scientific, they are based on personal experience.

thanks anais and barry - exactly what I meant :)

Buying clothes for a newborn

Actually having lost a child then I would consider that to be anxiety provoking when contemplating another pregnancy. Or know that your child might be born with illness.

However other posters have only described disappointment re sex

With Dc1 I was absolutely convinced I was having a boy - not because that was my preference but a real strong inkling. I think I would have found it hard not to find out - just so I knew. And I was right. It really helped me bond in my own thinking about the little boy growing inside me.
This time - I'm 35 weeks - we dont know as the scans havent been clear - but I am convinced its a girl - despite starting the pregnancy thinking I wanted another little boy. Not being able to focus on its boy/girl-ness has made it more difficult to think of it as more than 'the baby'.

And I'd really like a good clear out of the 5 big laundry bags worth of clothes I've been hanging onto if its going to be a girl!!

Sometimes hospitals have a don't tell policy due to local ethnic communities who have (or are believed to have) a strong preference for boys, to the point of trying to get a girl aborted - at least that's what friends of mine were told when they wanted to know and were refused. I had to sign a form saying I wouldn't sue the hospital or consider them liable for any expense incurred if they got it wrong!

I love a surprise so didn't want to know the sex of our DTs.

These days it seems the norm amongst family/friends to find out the sex of DC2 and onwards. Very few of them found out with DC1. I think it's mostly for practical reasons (bed-room sharing) and I guess I understand wanting to know 2nd, 3rd, etc., time around.

I must admit I much prefer not to know which sex people are having, I just love to find out the sex, weight and name when the baby arrives. I always find it a bit of an anti-climax when people tell you the sex and name prior to giving birth.

Raven Obviously there are degrees of anxiety and disappointment - that doesn't stop me being pleased that I had a few months to get over my very minor concerns about having a boy.

and yes - I buy clothes for my babies before they are born and although I dislike all pink for girls and all blue for boys, I find it difficult to buy gender neutral clothes.

I have to say, I understand why people choose not to find out, it's just a personal preference.

Thanks for all your interesting thoughts.

AnaisB can you just expand on what you mean by "very minor concerns" about having a boy. I am just trying to understand the specifics of what these feelings are.

Did not found out for any of my 4 until after they were born. I to do not get this need to find out everything before it happens.

Babies do not need tons of appropriate gender clothing, if there even is such a thing.

Also how can you choose a name for someone you have never even met.

I am one of the nosiest people I know and I did not want to find out even though I could have had a definite with DC2 and DC3 due to amnio.

I was a little tempted with DC1 as MIL was terminally ill but I hoped that not knowing would pull her along the pregnancy and give her PMA to beat the bloody disease. In the end she died prior to DC1s arrival but she saw the scan pics and felt her kick and also she did not want to know and I felt by finding out and telling her it would make her think she would not meet her GC.

I have to say when I was younger I did not like the idea of boys so did not conceive until I was sure I would be happy with whatever I had. Now having two of each I think the gender is irrelevant I just love all my children immensely and would lay down my life for them. If I ever (unlikely) had another I would not find out.

the thing about anxieties and emotional issues Raven is that they're relative to the individual. Some people really really panic if a bird flies near them, just because I don't give birds a second thought doesn't mean that those people's anxieties aren't a real issue for them!