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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel my jaw drop (age 14 party)

257 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 09/05/2012 10:17

My DS2 (age 13) asked me if he could go to a friends 14th birthday party. I said "yes". His next question was "will you buy me some alcohol to take" so I probed a bit, he said they were being allowed to take what they wanted to drink. I said that I would talk to the parents to clarify what was happening at this party, then discuss it with his father and we would make a decision together but that he shouldn't get his hopes up.

(Just to clarify, when my DS1 was 16 we would allow him to go to adult supervised parties occassionally and take a small amount of weak alcohol with him, which he was allowed to drink. He never abused this trust and in fact I believe has justified our faith in him in that he came in worse for wear the other day for the first time ever, on his 19th birthday)

Anyway, I spoke to the mother and it turns out that the parents of this 14 year old will be supplying every child with 2 cans of cider. The boys are allowed to bring whatever they like to drink. The parents will be going out for 2 hours, during which time (from what I can gather) the boys will only be allowed in the garden (house will be locked). When the parents return the boys will not be allowed to drink any more alcohol. They are then invited to stay over night. (Is it just me or will having a 2 hour to slot their drinking in give encouragement to serious binge drinking?)

Anyway, my question is not even whether these parents are right or wrong, but rather in shock that I cannot find any parent who agrees with me that this is wrong. All my DS2's friends are going and all their parents think this is acceptable. Am I going mad, or would you expect someone somewhere to agree with me?

OP posts:
nosenose · 09/05/2012 11:45

Ridiculous !!
No where to go if they're swigging cider at 13. ..
I assume most parents are ignorant to what's going on

rockinhippy · 09/05/2012 11:46

Good luck with this one, but IMHO YADNBU - 13 is too young to OK unsupervised drinking - no way in hell would I let my own DD attend a party like this & would gladly stand up & be counted as such, you ARE doing the right thing for your Lad, even if he doesn't appreciate that until he is older - reply to the e-mail as mentioned above - I'm gobsmacked that they had the nerve to send you such an e-mail, IMHO, they sound like a real rough lot

TheRhubarb · 09/05/2012 11:47

Oh ok then nosenose, let's give our teens access to as much alcohol as they want and as they're all probably high on dope, we'll legalise that and let them sell it in the tuck shop at school eh?

You are in the "It happens so we'll blame that on our irresponsibility" brigade aren't you? It happens therefore you'll allow your kids to get high and pissed and have sex and should anyone question your parenting skills you'll just tell them that they are ignorant about what goes on in the real world.

Nice attitude.

Yorkpud · 09/05/2012 11:48

Sounds crazy to me. There is no way I would host this kind of party and no way I would let my children go. They will all aim to drink as much as they can in that 2 hours, especially if anyone's parents are crazy enough to let their children bring lots of booze with them.

If I was you I would just say your son can't make it as you have plans. You don't want him to be made to feel bad if he is the only one not allowed to go.

SarahStratton · 09/05/2012 11:48

So true Jenai.

I really don't understand why anyone would consider this acceptable. It's not even like it could be explained as teaching them to respect alcohol, it's just a green light for getting pissed. No 13/14 year old needs alcohol, we have enough of a binge drinking problem in this country without morons bloody encouraging it.

JustFab · 09/05/2012 11:48

Goodness. They sound lovely.

You are doing the right thing and really it doesn't matter if no else agrees with you. No one else is parent to your child.

QuickLookBusy · 09/05/2012 11:50

My 2DDs are 18 and 21. IME it is sad but true that the DC with "cool, liberal" parents who allowed their 13-15 yos to drink/have parties/have boyfriends "sleeping over" are the ones who have problems with drugs/alcohol/reaching their potential at school.

It really isn't rocket science. Too much too young is bad for teenagers.

It makes my blood boil that adults can be so stupid.

SarahStratton · 09/05/2012 11:51

I assume most parents are ignorant to what's going on

I don't think anyone is ignorant of what goes on. Whether or not we consider that acceptable is another matter, and whilst there are twats like that to encourage it, it's like fighting a rising tide.

rockinhippy · 09/05/2012 11:53

^Ridiculous
No where to go if they're swigging cider at 13
I assume most parents are ignorant to what's going on^

Not ignorant at all, I was the 13 year old swigging Cider & getting very drunk on it, my parents didn't know & would have gone balistic if they did & rightly so - them not condoning it, meant that I only did it when I could get away with it, which wasn't often & I knew it wasn't an okay thing to be doing, so I still grew up respectful of alcohol & though let my hair down & got drunk when younger, I have never in my life been so drunk I was a danger to myself as I knew to respect it & only go so far.

from that IMHE I think condoning unsupervised drinking so young & underage sends out the wrong message

BreconBeBuggered · 09/05/2012 11:55

One of my neighbours has being doing this kind of thing for years. Her DS must be 20 now, but they still have the habit of inviting local youngsters around for a bit of a piss-up, without letting them spend the time in the house. Unsurprisingly it often spills out into the street, and the younger ones who aren't used to drinking get into fights and vandalise fences and gardens. The neighbours get shirty and the party animals end up in a police van. Happy birthday, eh? Keep your DS well clear of this kind of celebration while you can, OP.

fallenangle · 09/05/2012 11:55

As to 'damage limitation'. To avoid you and DS getting the blame if the police are called:
Don't campaign against the party.
Email saying that your DS won't be attending because you don't think the set up is right for your DS.
You have no intention of contacting the police because you don't think what they are doing is illegal, but not suitable for your DS.
You hope that, despite your misgivings, the lads have a good time.

Guadalupe · 09/05/2012 11:56

I am glad to see this thread as I was also wondering if it was just me! My 14 year old ds has started to get these party invites.

The first one was more of a family party where it seems the adults turned a blind eye to the 13/14 year olds sneaking off with beer and vodka, ds didn't drink much and was home early, but one father had to collect his completely pissed daughter and was told well, what can you do?

The second one was a boy from school birthday party and ds asked to sleepover as all his friends were so I agreed though I felt a bit unsure about it as I don't know the parents. Turns out they were actually given WKD blue drinks and smirnoff ice for their party as the adults had another party downstairs, both boys and girls stayed over and there wasn't anywhere to sleep so ds spent the night under a bit of curtain. Hmm

It is beyond me why people would GIVE alcohol to this age group, year 9, boys and girls, and have them sleeping all over the place under bits of random textile!

I have said no to the last two parties but although ds understands, it is hard when his friends are all going.

nothingoldcanstay · 09/05/2012 11:57

Drinking at home
It is not illegal for a person under 18 to drink alcohol at home or at a friend?s house. Parents can choose to give young people some of their own alcohol when at home.

Thats from Direct Gov.

Good chance for a discussion about the reality of trust, drinking and peer pressure.

MadameChinLegs · 09/05/2012 11:57

*group of 13 yo's sneak out, beg some random on the street to buy them two litres of cheap ass cider between 10 of them and then take turns drinking it in the woods

*parents of a 13 yo inviting other 13 and 14 yo's into their hom garden and supplying them with two cans of cider each and promoting them bringing their own alcohol whilst they go out

I know which one I'd be happier to discover my DC doing. The parents have No Right to say whether other peoples kids should and can drink alcohol. Sneaking out behind your parents back is par for the course not that it makes it right and something you can, if you find out, punish your DC for. Who's going to punish these parents? Hopefully a troupe of pissed up teenagers throwing up all over their TV and pissing in their beds.

Hullygully · 09/05/2012 11:59

how bizarre

TheRhubarb · 09/05/2012 11:59

It is illegal for adults to buy alcohol for minors though. Which is what the parents are doing.

QuickLookBusy · 09/05/2012 11:59

Agree Gaudalupe, it is difficult when their friends are doing it. I used to find that at least one or two of DDs friends weren't allowed to go to these things either, so I would encourage them to have those friends over that evening for a sleepover. It means they don't feel left out.

donnie · 09/05/2012 12:01

Imagine the gallons of piss and vomit which will be covering their precious manicured lawns!

OP just say No. I would.

Guadalupe · 09/05/2012 12:03

exactly, I know we all had a sneaky drink at that age, well more like 14/15 but like you say it was straw in a bottle of something or some sips of cider but to actually give alchol to other people's children like that is so wrong.

I did consider contacting them but ds would have been mortified and I though we'd put it down to experience. Maybe I should have done.

MadameChinLegs · 09/05/2012 12:03

I must say, when I was younger, I was permitted to go to house parties, and my parents never ever asked whether there would be alcohol there but I was always dropped off and collected (unless it was a girlie sleepover) and I was given a stern "if you touch a drop of alcohol, you won't be allowed to go to another house party for the rest of your time at school".....I knew my parent's never ever reneged a threat / punishment so knew not to touch anything.

Still had a cracking time.

SarahStratton · 09/05/2012 12:04

Actually, it IS illegal

direct.gov link

It is against the law:
to be drunk in charge of a child under seven in a public place or on licensed premises

to sell alcohol to someone under 18, anywhere

for an adult to buy or attempt to buy alcohol on behalf of someone under 18

for someone under 18 to buy alcohol, attempt to buy alcohol or to be sold alcohol in any circumstances (unless acting at the request of the police or a weights and measures inspector)

for someone under 18 to drink alcohol in licensed premises, with one exception - 16 and 17 year olds accompanied by an adult can drink but not buy beer, wine and cider with a table meal

for an adult to buy alcohol for a person under 18 for consumption on licensed premises, except as above

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 09/05/2012 12:07

I never knew that it was illegal to be drunk while in charge of a child under 7! Irresponsible - yes, but never knew it was illegal. Wow, you learn something everyday.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/05/2012 12:07

I am usually fairly laid back about teenagers being allowed to drink, but even I would say no to this.

A bunch of young teenagers, unlimited alcohol, and no supervision. Recipe for disaster.

verytellytubby · 09/05/2012 12:08

Bizarre party. I'm liberal but wouldn't allow mine to go. Sounds really boring for them.

sugarice · 09/05/2012 12:09

We had a similar issue with ds2 last summer when he was 13 to do with alcohol and parties held in a quiet area in our local park. One boy had a relative who was buying him a large pack of bottled lager and this boy was selling it on at £1.50 a bottle. We thought ds2 had been at his mates house but I knew when he came in there was something not right about him. He can't lie for toffee and he admitted he'd had three bottles! We told him the usual stuff about him being way too young and alcohol abuse and brain shrinking Confused and I think he's taken it on board but I am dreading the upcoming summer and him being a year older.Peer pressure is a bitch.