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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel my jaw drop (age 14 party)

257 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 09/05/2012 10:17

My DS2 (age 13) asked me if he could go to a friends 14th birthday party. I said "yes". His next question was "will you buy me some alcohol to take" so I probed a bit, he said they were being allowed to take what they wanted to drink. I said that I would talk to the parents to clarify what was happening at this party, then discuss it with his father and we would make a decision together but that he shouldn't get his hopes up.

(Just to clarify, when my DS1 was 16 we would allow him to go to adult supervised parties occassionally and take a small amount of weak alcohol with him, which he was allowed to drink. He never abused this trust and in fact I believe has justified our faith in him in that he came in worse for wear the other day for the first time ever, on his 19th birthday)

Anyway, I spoke to the mother and it turns out that the parents of this 14 year old will be supplying every child with 2 cans of cider. The boys are allowed to bring whatever they like to drink. The parents will be going out for 2 hours, during which time (from what I can gather) the boys will only be allowed in the garden (house will be locked). When the parents return the boys will not be allowed to drink any more alcohol. They are then invited to stay over night. (Is it just me or will having a 2 hour to slot their drinking in give encouragement to serious binge drinking?)

Anyway, my question is not even whether these parents are right or wrong, but rather in shock that I cannot find any parent who agrees with me that this is wrong. All my DS2's friends are going and all their parents think this is acceptable. Am I going mad, or would you expect someone somewhere to agree with me?

OP posts:
MakeMineACafPow · 09/05/2012 10:57

Thats probably the reason the parents are going out . So when the neighbours call the police they can deny all knowledge of them having alcohol.

crazygracieuk · 09/05/2012 10:57

I am a mum to an 11 year old so might be out of touch but I wouldn't be happy and wouldn't allow my son to go.

  1. What if it's raining?
  2. What about using the toilet?
  3. What if a child doesn't like cider?
  4. How confident are the parents about the effects of cider on 13 year olds? Based on my 11 year old's friends, there is a big difference in build with children in the same school year and as a mum to a petite son, he'll be inevitably feel the effects more strongly than others. How confident do the parents feel that the alcohol won't make the boys behave anti-socially (shouting, wrestling, throwing stuff around...) Some people would call the cops if a group of 12/13 year olds were drinking and behaving anti-socially in the street.
MadameChinLegs · 09/05/2012 10:58

What I feel is wrong about this situation is not "two cans of cider in controlled circumstances" but the parents of another child not only allowing other people's kids to drink alcohol but 'permitting each child to have two cans of cider'....erm....that's really not their decision to make.

If alcohol was to be allowed at this party, the parents of the other kids should be told ahead in order that they can decide whether to allow their dcs to go.

It is not unreasonable to stop your own 14 yo going to a party where they will be given alcohol to drink by another parent.

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 09/05/2012 11:00

dexter73, the parents that I asked about it were fine with it and I've now had an email asking me stop trying to spoil this kids party as all the other parents are happy with the arrangements. Apparently I even threatened to inform the police (which I didn't, although I may have pointd out that supplying alcohol to underage is illegal). I really am confused tbh, in fact if I hadn't heard the details from the mother myself, I would have thought I had gotten a confused message from my 13 yr old (which is why I spoke to her)

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 09/05/2012 11:01

Can see your confusion mytwocentsis, you can buy some crazy strength blow your head off cider here quite easily.

Hebiegebies · 09/05/2012 11:02

It's not going to end well is it. You have made the right decision to keep your son at home.

If its 2 cans each, some boys will take more than their share and have alcohol from home too. A&E might be busy that night and there willbe lots of carpet needing cleaning in the morning unless vomit bowls are provided

sparkle12mar08 · 09/05/2012 11:03

Oh I'd definately call the police then, I wouldn't want to be associating with parents who'd permit that anyway!

QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 11:03

A 14 year old does not NEED alcohol for his birthday party.

Any circle of friends were the parents thought this was ok would have me really worried about my childs future, if this is the influencing forces around him.

Can you move?

QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 11:04

They think you are going to call the police anyway.

Just respond:

"My child wont be attending this party as I do not approve of teaching children to drink alcohol from the age of 13, I see no reason to involve the police in issues and people that don't concern me. "

MrsFucksy · 09/05/2012 11:05

OP stand your ground. I think you're totally in the right, and I wouldn't allow my DS to go to a party like that either, at that age (currently 12, so I know it's going to happen soon).

You are not spoiling this kid's party, you just don't agree with the set up. Neither do I. The problem is mostly what the other kids will be bringing. You can be as sure as eggs is eggs that someone will bring vodka. And as the parents aren't there, what happens if other kids arrive, older kids? (I'm assuming it's possible to access the garden without entering the house).

Short sharp email back saying you have no further interest in how the party goes as you have already made your decision regarding your 13 year old. End of.

Good for you for taking a stand. I'm in your corner.

dexter73 · 09/05/2012 11:07

Ithinkitsjustme - that is a bit scary. I would just cut off any communication with them as it sounds like they could be a bit feisty.

dexter73 · 09/05/2012 11:08

Actually I would send what Quint said then cut off any more communication.

chandellina · 09/05/2012 11:08

My child would not be going and I would let the parents know what a bad idea I think it is. Someone has to be an adult here and yes it's shocking that other parents think it's okay. I love how parents will ask me if they can give my 3 year old a biscuit, but in 10 years might be willing to supply him with alcohol. It's madness.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2012 11:09

This party, where alcohol is allowed, will go viral among the teens at your childs secondary and beyond. News WILL be shared on facebook, on twitter, via sms, etc. Imagine the crowds of children.

(I know, because it happened when a mate let his 13 year old dd have a party on her birthday. Hordes of teens with alcohol. He was cleaning sick for two days.)

AdelaideRex · 09/05/2012 11:09

I understand its only illegal to give under fives alcohol at home, so no laws being broken but that doesn't make it sensible

MadameChinLegs · 09/05/2012 11:10

It IS illegal for an adult to purchase alcohol for someone who is under 18.....so who is buying this cider? Who is buying the alcohol that the 14yo's will be bringing?

thirdhill · 09/05/2012 11:11

I don't know/care how my social mores would be viewed, but there is no way I would allow my 13/14 year old to be locked outside for 2 hours. The alcohol is just another reason for banning any more involvement with those parents other than essential civilities.

Lovelynewboots · 09/05/2012 11:12

But it is illegal to buy and supply alcohol to under eighteens.

littlemslazybones · 09/05/2012 11:13

Hold on, I think you need some damage limitation here. Your son is 14 and the other lads are going to make his life a misery unless you get this cleared up, nicely, now.

You've said he is not going, you should have done him a favour and made that the end of the conversation. There's right (which, I think, you are) and there's making your son's life unnecessarily difficult (which you seem to be doing)

RubyGates · 09/05/2012 11:13

I'd say it depends on the strength of the cider and the familiarity with alcohol of each of the attendees.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with a 13yo attending this particular party though. It's a bit different to a glass of wine with dinner isn't it?

"It's soooooooo unfair".

TheRhubarb · 09/05/2012 11:14

I can only echo what has already been said.

It IS a criminal offence to supply children with alcohol - the private property thing only applies to your own children in your own home. If you are supplying other children with alcohol then it is against the law.

Giving each child 2 cans of cider and then leaving them unsupervised in a garden is not a controlled environment. I can guarantee that not every child will drink 2 cans, some will drink less and many others will drink more plus the alcohol that some of the children will have brought themselves.

And it appears that the parents concerned will only tell the other parents of their plans if they are questioned. I'm pretty sure that they will not have telephoned each parent to ask if this arrangement is ok with them. So you'll have parents not realising that their 13yo child is going to a party where alcohol will be supplied.

Whirliwig72 · 09/05/2012 11:16

Call me old fashioned but 13 is only just out of childhood. It's a bit sad that the boys can't just have fun without booze. YANBU.

StrandedFuckingBear · 09/05/2012 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Popoozle · 09/05/2012 11:20

My 14 year old DS was giddy after one shandy (involving half a can of standard strength lager). There would be no way he'd be going to that party.

loopyluna · 09/05/2012 11:21

I don't think ithinkitsjustme is making her DSs life difficult. She's actually removing him from a potentially dodgy situation whilst leaving him the "it's my mum's fault" card.
My DS has already got himself out of a situation he wasn't comfortable in by blaming me ("my evil, wicked mum will say no") without even asking me!
I'm really struggling to believe that other parents are ok about this though. Maybe they are blissfully unaware and will kick off after the party when the damage is done.