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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel my jaw drop (age 14 party)

257 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 09/05/2012 10:17

My DS2 (age 13) asked me if he could go to a friends 14th birthday party. I said "yes". His next question was "will you buy me some alcohol to take" so I probed a bit, he said they were being allowed to take what they wanted to drink. I said that I would talk to the parents to clarify what was happening at this party, then discuss it with his father and we would make a decision together but that he shouldn't get his hopes up.

(Just to clarify, when my DS1 was 16 we would allow him to go to adult supervised parties occassionally and take a small amount of weak alcohol with him, which he was allowed to drink. He never abused this trust and in fact I believe has justified our faith in him in that he came in worse for wear the other day for the first time ever, on his 19th birthday)

Anyway, I spoke to the mother and it turns out that the parents of this 14 year old will be supplying every child with 2 cans of cider. The boys are allowed to bring whatever they like to drink. The parents will be going out for 2 hours, during which time (from what I can gather) the boys will only be allowed in the garden (house will be locked). When the parents return the boys will not be allowed to drink any more alcohol. They are then invited to stay over night. (Is it just me or will having a 2 hour to slot their drinking in give encouragement to serious binge drinking?)

Anyway, my question is not even whether these parents are right or wrong, but rather in shock that I cannot find any parent who agrees with me that this is wrong. All my DS2's friends are going and all their parents think this is acceptable. Am I going mad, or would you expect someone somewhere to agree with me?

OP posts:
Heyyyho · 09/05/2012 12:10

yes just sitting in the Garden in the UK in the pissing rain drinking cider - what a shit party! It sounds like some kind of vagrant get together not a party for 13 yo. Locking the door to the house... I mean what kind of people are they?

sugarice · 09/05/2012 12:11

Sorry meant to say Yanbu.

DaDerDaDer · 09/05/2012 12:15

13/14yrolds should not be having parties which involve alcohol.

My 13yr DS just went psintballing for his bday with 6 friends and 2 dads.

I think I live in a parallell universe where 13yr old boys are still children.

I would be very worried about my Dss peer group in this situation.

Quenelle · 09/05/2012 12:15

I think nosenose's post has been misinterpreted. I took her to mean that she thinks it is ridiculous to let kids that age drink, that swigging cider at 13 is a bad idea because it could only lead to worse things, and when she said she assumes most parents are ignorant to what's going on she meant that the parents of the other kids invited must have no idea of what has been planned.

And FWIW I would not let my son go. I'm pretty sure I could think of better ways for a 13/14 year old to celebrate their birthday.

fallenangle · 09/05/2012 12:18

The law is contradictory it seems. It depends what is meant by 'on behalf of'. I dont think it matters much. The set up is a disaster waiting to happen.
I love the 'manicured lawns' post. I'm thinking more foot long grass and an old Fiesta on bricks out the front. It all sounds like an episode of Shameless.
Which is why OP should avoid being suspected as a grass.

dexter73 · 09/05/2012 12:19

I bet if you asked the boys which they would prefer to do, go paintballing or sit in a cold garden for 2 hours with a couple of cans of cider, then paintballing would win hands down!

Nevertooearlyforcake · 09/05/2012 12:19

Unless the 13 yr old drinks regularly (ok, probably does) then they'll be pissed on 2 cans of cider. Why cider anyway? It's sounds like the "it's only apples" stuff my MIL used to come out with. I agree with you - surely they'll neck the two cans plus share out whatever extra others have brought in the 2 hours window and spend the rest of the night throwing up. If my neighbours told me they were doing this I'd be well pissed off about this going on unsupervised (I presume they have a massive garden miles from anyone else).

Floggingmolly · 09/05/2012 12:23

The 2 cans of cider in itself wouldn't be the end of the world for me (although the "bring whatever else you like yourself" is a bit Hmm ),
But the parents going out for 2 hours and leaving them locked out of the house with all this alcohol is truly bizarre. This bit I'd be very wary of. Are all his friends going?

FredFredGeorge · 09/05/2012 12:25

It's only illegal to buy alcohol if it's the child instigating the purchase - so it's illegal if a kid outside the store asks you to buy him some alcohol and you do. The instigator of the purchase is the important distinction, it's only an offence to do it on behalf of the child.

good plain language here
"The offence covers those who act as the agents of children in contracting sales. A parent contracts the sale in his or her own right, and is not acting as the child's agent or go-between to affect the child's own purchase. "

Now as described by the OP with the child pestering the parent to buy it, you could maybe establish a case, but I cannot possibly see the CPS attempting it.

QuickLookBusy · 09/05/2012 12:29

fallenangle if you think this sounds like an episode of Shameless you have led a sheltered life. IME it's the very middle class, professional parents who are the worst offenders.

Guadalupe · 09/05/2012 12:31

We did the same, daderdader, paintballing last year and this year they went to the cinema and for pizza afterwards. They had a great time.

Quicklookbusy, yes that does help, I am friends with some of the parents and we mostly have a similar outlook but the school is so big and there are so many friendship groups. I'm just amazed how many parents seem ok with this.

Shakey1500 · 09/05/2012 12:32

No WAY would my 13 year old be going to this ridiculous piss up begging for trouble party.

TheRhubarb · 09/05/2012 12:34

Quenelle, if that is the case then my apologies to nosenose.

Fallenangel, what a lovely and shamelessly bigoted post! It's only a matter of time on Mumsnet these days before someone starts a class war.

Did you read my earlier post? Where I described how this had happened to dh's brother, quite a wealthy man who lives in a wealthy subburb of Oxford and whose girls want for nothing? He is a very strict parent when it comes to alcohol and boys and yet an organised party for his youngest turned into chaos when loads of other middle class kids arrived, loaded with alcohol and drugs.

How dare you imply that this only happens to working class kids. I am working class thanks very much and I do happen to live in an ex-council house, so why not judge me on my loose standards eh?

Guadalupe · 09/05/2012 12:39

I agree, the 'liberal' attitudes we've encountered have come from a range of backgrounds.

knitknack · 09/05/2012 12:46

This is madness! This is a child-protection issue waiting to happen... no adults in charge? What if someone decides to do a superman impersonation from the shed roof, or vomits whilst lying down or something? There is no WAY I'd condone this. I'm really shocked.

knitknack · 09/05/2012 12:46

I hope they've got personal liability insurance...

3teenhell · 09/05/2012 12:47

have only read first page but have to say my 13 DS would not be going.

fallenangle · 09/05/2012 12:51

Rhubarb I DID NOT say anything about working class, middle class or any other class! I was brought up on a council estate too! Are you saying that working class people are more likely to live with foot long grass and cars on bricks? I didn't.

NameChangeaGoGo · 09/05/2012 12:51

You wouldn't want to be the neighbours.

TheRhubarb · 09/05/2012 12:53

"I'm thinking more foot long grass and an old Fiesta on bricks out the front. It all sounds like an episode of Shameless.
Which is why OP should avoid being suspected as a grass."

Shameless is a programme that depicts the working class as lazy scumbags with no morals.
I'll let you decide whether or not your statement was judgemental and/or an assumption about the OP's friend.

babybythesea · 09/05/2012 12:55

Up until the age of about 14 our parties were all 'disco in the town hall with your parents looking on'. At about 14 it started to get more into house parties with alcohol around. I hated alcohol and found the parties boring. At one party, two lads got so drunk (no idea where the parents were) that the ended up lying down in the road to see who could get run over by a car first. Fortunately, it was a quiet street and they came in after ten minutes as they were uncomfortable lying on the tarmac. I told my parents I didn't want to go to any more parties like that, and they 'forbade' me to attend any more - gave me a lovely get-out.

And then I drifted away from that group of friends and found others, and we spent birthdays watching chick flicks, and making extravagant cakes, and thoroughly enjoying ourselves, without alcohol featuring at all!
If I was in your DS's position, I'd be glad of the excuse not to go (sounds as though he is!). YANBU.

Guadalupe · 09/05/2012 13:02

"Fortunately, it was a quiet street and they came in after ten minutes as they were uncomfortable lying on the tarmac. "

This made me roar for some reason. Grin

ShellyBobbs · 09/05/2012 13:06

OMG! These are CHILDREN in year 8. Don't kid yourself for 1 minute that they will only have 2 cans each, there will be the usual suspects that have a plastic bag stashed in the garden full of cans and bottles. The poor neighbours and what will happen when the inevitable happens and someone calls the police because some child has puked on a neighbours driveway and another has collapsed on the pavement?

Your child may be sensible, but they will be partying with others who won't be so good.

There is absolutely no way my child would be going to this party, and I just can't believe that this lads parents are turfing them out for 2 hours on top of it all!

Don't they remember being 14, I do and that's why I know what will REALLY be going on (remember 20/20, Thunderbirds red and the like :) )

SoupDragon · 09/05/2012 13:06

I don't have a problem with children trying alcohol at an early age. However, leaving a group of 13/14 year olds alone with 2 cans of cider each is not the same thing at all.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2012 13:07

two cans of cider plus whatever else they bring along.

Who is going to stop the stupid drinking games?

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