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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about dd's hair cut?

481 replies

Hockacholic · 08/05/2012 10:22

7 year old dd went to play at a friends house yesterday. Dd had long bum length hair but when she got dropped home friends mum (a hairdresser) had cut dd's hair into a shoulder length bob! I didn't see the mum as she just dropped dd at the door and she came in on her own. I am so upset dd had never had her hair cut it was lovely, I know I can't do any thing about it now and dd is happy with her new hair style. AIBU to think friends mum should have spoken to me about this first?

OP posts:
gobbledegook1 · 08/05/2012 12:24

I would probably be miffed at not being asked too. Whilst I am all for a 7 year old having a say it would have been common courtesy to check first, 7 year olds don't always know best and if she hadn't have liked it there could have been a lot of upset.

She could have just said, your daughter has asked me to cut her and but wants me to take it to shoulder length and I thought I best check that it is ok with you, that way you could have come to a compromise and maybe said well I don't mind her having it cut if thats what she wants but I rather you didn't go quite that short.

There isn't really much that can be done now and your daughter is happy so I don't think it is really worth falling out over but maybe next time you see her you could say something along the lines of 'thanks for DDs haircut she's / were really pleased with it but next time I would appreciate it if you checked it was ok first it was quite a shock having her turn up on the doorstep like that'.

I also agree who takes a child home and doesn't make the effort to speak with the parents unless she was hiding incase you went nuts

ragged · 08/05/2012 12:26

it's an intrusion but to my mind only a small one. Not worth outrage. She didn't give the child an outrageous hairstyle, that's red herring.
Thread reminds me DS needs a hair cut :).

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 08/05/2012 12:26

I wouldn't do it myself, no, but I respect my child's right to choose the length of their hair. Much as I do it through gritted teeth because my DS wants long hair like his dad, who as what can only be described as a bush on his head. Now DS has his own, difficult to brush bush head, which makes him squeal like a baby when being brushed, but which he refuses to have trimmed to a more manageable (like number four) length. It's up to him.

And at least your DD didn't give herself a haircut like my 3 year old did. She wanted a fringe. It was so short I couldn't even get a hairdresser to fix it. I am still waiting for it to grow back.

Given all this, I'd be quite happy for my child to get a free, decent haircut. Bu that's just me.

alcazar · 08/05/2012 12:28

Many of the Asian girls I know do not cut their hair until after they are married and their hair is in lovely condition even as adults so I dont understand all these comments about how it must have been a mess anyway. Can you imagine if somebody had cut a little girls hair that was being kept long for religious reasons. I dont see this a being much different tbh, I would be very angry, yes its only hair but a quick call would have been suffice. If you as a parent wish to keep your childs hair long its up to you. if your dd had mentioned wanting shorter hair then you as a parent should consider it but it doesnt sound as if this is the case!

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 08/05/2012 12:28

OP - you are not being unreasonable.

Brings to mind this episode of Curb your Enthusiasm (strong language, some viewers may be offended yada yada...)

storminabuttercup · 08/05/2012 12:29

Another thought, if your daughter hasn't had her hair cut ever do you think she was maybe getting teased at school, the friend knew about it and the mum thought she was helping?

7 years is a long time.

Original poster
Hockacholic · 08/05/2012 12:29

Ok I know this sounds like a wind up and if I were to read this I would also think it was untrue but really it is not. Dd has always said she loved her long hair, sometimes she had asked for it to be cut but has always changed her mind before having it done. I was not precious about her long hair it is just the fact I wasn't told beforehand and it was a big shock. I will update later when I have spoken to the mother.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 08/05/2012 12:37

Well if it's true and I don't believe it is for a second I am afraid I would be awfully upset and angry. Haircuts are for dd to discuss with me and yes if it was she wanted I would be in total agreement with her getting her hair cut into a bob. It is not for some random playdate mum, hairdresser or not to do it without my knowledge at age 7.

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 08/05/2012 12:50

I get how you feel about confrontation op, especially as the girls are good friends and you seem to like the mother.

Your daughter is happy. It is done now. If you want to get the message across why not say.

"It was a bit of a shock, I'm very disappointed that dd didn't think to check with me first. We've had a chat about it though, and she knows for another time"

Then DO have a chat with DD, about checking things with you. Point out she could've had an event or something coming up that she still needed her hair long for, or that it may be harder for her to get a swim cap on now it won't go in a bun. But point out that at 7 if she is old enough to make decisions for her self than she is old enough to think whether they may need your consultation.

Let her go to friends houses knowing you can trust her to ask to speak to you. Or next time it might be purple hair extensions. Grin

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 08/05/2012 12:51

Oh and if it is a good cut, say so to the mum and thank her for doing a good job to lessen the dig about permission.

Pixieonthemoor · 08/05/2012 12:53

A horrid gum/hairbrush entanglement disaster notwithstanding, I would be beyond furious. If my dd wanted her hair cut then fine but it is not up to other people to decide this - this mother def should have called you. What if your poor dd was bowing to peer pressure from her friend? I am very glad that she seems happy with her new do but that is lucky, isn't it?! As I said - beyond furious.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/05/2012 12:54

Stop being so reasonable, honeydragon Wink

spidermama, of course it isn't about the money, but you compared someone effectively destroying clothing that would have to be bought with cutting hair into an inoffensive style that can be grown out if need be.

As ragged says, as "intrusions" go this is a small one, and one that probably has a reasonable explanation (even if it was just a moment of madness on the haircutter's part - this thread reminds me of one an age back where the OP let their child's friend try a sip of wine).

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 08/05/2012 12:58

Sorry Blush Wink

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 08/05/2012 13:10

Um, isn't human hair worth quite a lot of money? I would be asking for it back!

antlerqueen · 08/05/2012 13:12

She should've asked, really.

This brings back memories though - when i was about 7, my cousin had her hair cut about to her shoulders. I had always had really long hair but i wanted hair like hers, sooo i took the scissors and cut off half my ponytail. My mum was furious, i still don't really understand why :)

KickArseQueen · 08/05/2012 13:18

I would be upset and I would have spoken to the parent straight away. If she really had never had a haircut I would have asked for a lock of the hair too. Sentimentality about such things is not unreasonable.

It is on a par in interference value with changing your child into other clothes unnecessarily, cutting their toe nails or bathing them whilst on a playdate / nit lotioning them! I've read all of the above on here, and its not in the realms of normal expectation on a playdate.

The thread about the boy who got tatoo'd got quite shocked / angry if I recall. Either way they are there to play, not have permanent (or semi-permanent) changes made to them.

zukiecat · 08/05/2012 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turniphead1 · 08/05/2012 13:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

jubilee10 · 08/05/2012 13:29

My ds3 5.8 had lovely long blonde hair and would often say he wanted to get it cut but, when we got to the hairdressers, he would change his mind and ask for a trim. I loved his hair and was happy with it long. A couple of months ago he decided to get it cut. I was sad but it's his hair and his choice and so short it is. This was his choice with my blessing. It will grow back.

However this is not about hair. I would be absolutely livid with your dd's friends mum. What she has done is a breach of trust. She has completely oversteped the boundaries and I would not feel able to let my child play there unsupervised again.

I think you need to make it clear that you are very upset at what she has done and let her know this is not just about your daughter having a hair cut.

fuzzpig · 08/05/2012 13:33

I'm not sentimental about hair really, but FFS it would've taken all of 3 minutes to phone you and say "hello, DD is begging me to cut her hair, is that ok?" - why on earth wouldn't she? And it's even weirder that she didn't at least speak to you about it at drop-off. Even if it was to explain about a chewing gum incident.

picnicbasketcase · 08/05/2012 13:36

I too would be livid I'm afraid. I would feel the same if DD went to play at someone's house and came back with her ears pierced. Something has been changed about your child without your say so. I would be very surprised if anyone would be okay with it. You'd almost expect it if she was 15 and came home with hair dyed green or something, but for someone to do something this drastic with a young child's hair without permission is unbelievable.

NorbertDentressangle · 08/05/2012 13:45

I would be livid!

Lordy, I was bad enough when DP took DS (aged 5 at the time) for a trim of his 'surfy' slightly long hair and came back with it drastically shorter without warning me. I was holding back tears of shock when they walked in as he looked so different.

If a friends mum had done such a drastic cut on one of my DC I would not have been a happy bunny. Its not their place.

NatashaBee · 08/05/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rinkan · 08/05/2012 13:49

Agree that it's a bit odd that the mother didn't give you a quick ring but you got a professional haircut, that your daughter really likes, for free!

When you make the Mum feel a bit guilty by pointing out that she should have asked you, perfect opportunity to get her to apologise by doing yours as well!

FashionEaster · 08/05/2012 13:49

Wot BalloonSlayer said:

I normally think text rowing is a really bad idea but in this case I reckon it would be perfect.

Quick text: WTF have you done to my child's hair

Followed by: And you did not ask for parental permission because . . .?