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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not accept my SIL's offer of money and take my daughter out of nursery to save money ?

149 replies

Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 17:58

...this may get a wee bit complicated so bear with me....

I have a 4yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant with DD (nice...not) and after taking my maternity leave with her, have actively been looking for work for the past 18 months with no avail. I made my maternity/redundancy pay last as long as possible but then went onto JSA in October of last year. As I'm only entitled to 6 months due to my partner working, this benefit ran out in April. On the face of it my DH has a good job and salary, however when you take into account the mortgage, bills etc we are really stretched and the overdraft is getting bigger every month. We have 2 cars (DH needs his for work, I drive a 15yr old banger to get the kids to nursery and around town) no credit cards, have not been on a holiday in 4yrs and generally try to be as frugal as possible.

My SIL, who has a heart of gold, sat me down a couple of weeks ago and said she was really worried about me as I've been so anxious and worried about money and wanted to give me £50 a week, so £200 a month, for as long as she could to help out. Although this was incredibly generous of her my gut reaction was "No" as I don't like to feel indebted to anyone. The bulk of that £50 would probably go on petrol then on the kids when we're out and about.

DS attends nursery for a couple of hours 3 days a week (15hrs are paid for by the council). DD only attends 2 days as this was all we could afford when we were offered the place. It's a council nursery so we wouldn't find a cheaper alternative. On top of my JSA being stopped our tax credits have stopped too so we're down another £40 a month. Having racked my brains the only way I can see to save money and replace some of my JSA would be to take my daughter out which would give me approx £130 a month. I realise this reduces my chance of finding a job to bugger all basically but I've yet to find one that suits the hours I'm available anyway.

So would you accept the money from the SIL or take the wee one out of nursery ?

OP posts:
BeauNash · 06/05/2012 18:03

Impossible to say since we don't know what your relationship with your sister is like. If this were my DM for instance, she would so enjoy playing lady bountiful I would have to say no.

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 18:05

I would look for a way to make it more of a payment in kind rather than a gift. Could you offer to do her ironing perhaps? or any other sort of help to balance it out.

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:13

Thanks for the responses. My partner and I have been together for 17 yrs and I've known her all that time. We've had some run ins in the past but I love her to bits and know that she worries about us. Her and DH, her brother don't always get along but he helped her out big time a few years ago when she was absolutely skint. He basically wrote off a couple of grand not expecting to get it back from her but she did eventually pay back every penny.

She stressed that its a gift, not a loan and she is not expecting repayment. I honestly think her intentions are purely good and she wouldn't be smug in any way. It's just my immediate gut reaction was "no". She lives about 2hrs away by herself and her dogs so I couldn't offer to do housework or ironing for her. DH is against taking wee one out of nursery as she loves it but this seems to be the more sensible option to me although it means less money.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/05/2012 18:16

Will your DD lose her place if you take her out now with the intent of putting her back in when you're working?

I would turn down the money unless it made a difference between eating and not eating tbh.

wishiwasonholiday · 06/05/2012 18:17

Have you thought about doing childminding or something you could do with dd at home? Then you could maybe afford the nursery but be making a bit of money too.

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:18

Tidydancer, yes she'd lose her place and I'd then have to register her to go back in when she's 3 (next March) and entitled to the 15hrs paid by the council.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/05/2012 18:20

I'd take the little one out of nursery and wait until she could have the 15 hours free. I wouldn't take money directly from sil, but I would ask her if she would be prepared to buy a few things as and when they were needed for the dc. I might ask her to buy their shoes or something as they grow, as she is obviously lovely and keen to help you where she can. I'd also keep tally of how much she spends so that she can be paid back either in cash or with a special present when you are back on track.

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:21

wishiwasonholiday - A few people have mentioned this to me but I have to be perfectly honest and say a lot of work is needing done to our house. I'd move in a minute if we could as the back garden is crap for the kids, our bathroom is falling apart as is the kitchen. And obviously we don't have the cash to rectify any of this at the moment. If I was looking for a childminder and came to our house I wouldn't consider it suitable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:26

Also forgot to mention that I started a p/t college course in Feb and I need to do a placement for 1 day a week for a year, starting in September. So if DD comes out of nursery I'd need to leave the course as I'd have no one to watch her on that day. I'd be disappointed to leave but am telling myself that it's something I could go back to when they're both at school...

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/05/2012 18:27

Yes, I have to say that I'd pull DD out of nursery under those circumstances.

Are you able to give any more information on your household expenses? MNers are generally quite good at spotting ways to save money. :)

helloclitty · 06/05/2012 18:29

I really feel for you in this situation, however, I would say that it must be possible to earn £50 a week yourself. If I was in your shoes I would get a job, any job, even if it's a supermarket check out before I accepted money from someone else.
The money is not going to sort your problem out long term and you cannot reply on her giving you money for too long so you have to sort the problem yourself. There must be jobs out there before replying on someone else surely?

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:31

Thanks Tidy Dancer. Appreciate your comments but don't want to go into too much financial detail at the moment.

OP posts:
DilysPrice · 06/05/2012 18:33

I think the college placement makes a difference. Is it something that would give you a realistic chance of a decent job once finished?

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/05/2012 18:33

I'd pull out of nursery as well. Money is tight so nursery when not working is a luxury. Your SIL sounds lovely but I wouldnt personally let another adult support me, i'd give up every luxury first.

RandomMess · 06/05/2012 18:34

Could you advertise your services as a dog walker or ironing or cleaning as a way of paying for your dds nursery fees?

Any chance you could walk more and save on fuel bills?

I wouldn't rule out the offer of the gift from SIL, perhaps she could pay one day per week at nursery for dd and you find a way of earning enough to pay for the other day - that way she can see it as something she is paying for directly for your dds benefit IYSWIM

How about selling avon or similar?

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:37

Helloclitty....i've been looking and applying for the past 18 months for jobs ranging from insurance (what I did before) to cleaning (apparently I'm over qualified or don't have the relevant experience). Most jobs I have applied for I haven't even received a reply to. Whilst all my local supermarkets offer p/t contracts, I've been told that the 8, 10, 12 or 14 hrs a week you're working can change from one week to the next. If you're not flexible with your availability then they're not interested. I've asked in person and been told this. Also the same of every shop that I applied to in the shopping centre which is 5 mins from the kid's nursery.

Have to be honest and say the tone of you post p'd me off a bit but I'm putting it down to me being hypersensitive and people tend to get defensive when they're talking about money and family finances I suppose....

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/05/2012 18:41

Erm, yes,you are being hypersensitive. There was nothing wrong with that post, but you are right, it is easy to get defensive with things like this.

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:43

It's actually childcare I'm studying at college. Was hoping to get work in a nursery at the end of it (it's a 2yr course) and be working more child friendly hours.

I walk whenever possible but need the car to get the kids to nursery and for groceries. I had thought about Avon/Kleeneze but from what I gather they pay very, very little and our place is over run with folk trying to sell the stuff.

Reading back on my posts I realise I sound so bloody negative but I've racked my brains trying to think of alternatives. The whole point of putting DD into nursery was to get me back to work and it's completely backfired.

OP posts:
helloclitty · 06/05/2012 18:47

I certainly didn't mean anything mean by my post. Sorry if it upset you.
How about cleaning, I know many people who do cleaning a few hours a day and the money isn't bad. The girls I know have got work themselves by printing out some flyers at home, they went knocking on doors with them, put them in local shops asked around the nursery and posted on a local free website. They are all earning well for the few hours they needed.

RandomMess · 06/05/2012 18:50

I meant private direct work cleaning - I really think SIL wants to support you so you can finish your course etc.

I would accept her kind offer in order to finish your course. Again it's a gift but once you are able to you could choose to repay her.

DontmindifIdo · 06/05/2012 18:54

take your DD out of nursery - you could always look at finding a childminder place once you find work. Nursery before you get a free place that's not childcare for paid work is a luxury, you can't afford it.

Re your course, would there be a childminder locally who'd do just that day? Your SIL might be happy to pay just for childcare for your course and you can at least feel she's not funding your lifestyle as such, but a course to help you in the future.

Original poster
Pam270774 · 06/05/2012 18:54

Helloclitty - no offence taken...sorry for being a mad over sensitive coo...I had actually thought about cleaning. Need to investigate this more and get an idea of the going rate round here....

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 06/05/2012 18:58

I would - out of the two choices - take my dd out of nursery.

Apart from that I would swap the second car for a dutch bike with a box on the front for the dc to sit to get around like this

Running a 15 year old car before petrol will be approximately 40/50 per month - with petrol that is 70/80 per month added to 130 per month for nursery gives you 210 per month.

I suppose you have to weigh up whether you can make 210 per month through a part time job - but even then you would still be spending the 210 so it would be negative in effect.

BonnieBumble · 06/05/2012 18:58

Can you accept the offer of help from sil on the condition that it is a loan and you will pay her back when you are working?

It is a very kind offer from the sil and whilst I can see that it makes you uncomfortable accepting it, she has made the offer and because she is financially stable and doesn't want to watch her family struggle.

The other option is to accept the money as a contribution towards your children's education, lots of families help each other out in this way.

fedupofnamechanging · 06/05/2012 19:02

Maybe ask sil if she would pay your dd's nursery fee until you have finished your course - at £130 a month, it is less than what she wants to give you, but would make a huge difference to you, because it would free up that money in your budget. It is also something which is going directly to her niece, so is easier for you to swallow than taking money off her directly.

I feel for you - it sucks when you are skint and can see no way out.