AIBU to not accept my SIL's offer of money and take my daughter out of nursery to save money ?

[Pam270774]

...this may get a wee bit complicated so bear with me....

I have a 4yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant with DD (nice...not) and after taking my maternity leave with her, have actively been looking for work for the past 18 months with no avail. I made my maternity/redundancy pay last as long as possible but then went onto JSA in October of last year. As I'm only entitled to 6 months due to my partner working, this benefit ran out in April. On the face of it my DH has a good job and salary, however when you take into account the mortgage, bills etc we are really stretched and the overdraft is getting bigger every month. We have 2 cars (DH needs his for work, I drive a 15yr old banger to get the kids to nursery and around town) no credit cards, have not been on a holiday in 4yrs and generally try to be as frugal as possible.

My SIL, who has a heart of gold, sat me down a couple of weeks ago and said she was really worried about me as I've been so anxious and worried about money and wanted to give me £50 a week, so £200 a month, for as long as she could to help out. Although this was incredibly generous of her my gut reaction was "No" as I don't like to feel indebted to anyone. The bulk of that £50 would probably go on petrol then on the kids when we're out and about.

DS attends nursery for a couple of hours 3 days a week (15hrs are paid for by the council). DD only attends 2 days as this was all we could afford when we were offered the place. It's a council nursery so we wouldn't find a cheaper alternative. On top of my JSA being stopped our tax credits have stopped too so we're down another £40 a month. Having racked my brains the only way I can see to save money and replace some of my JSA would be to take my daughter out which would give me approx £130 a month. I realise this reduces my chance of finding a job to bugger all basically but I've yet to find one that suits the hours I'm available anyway.

So would you accept the money from the SIL or take the wee one out of nursery ?

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here, OP. At 4yo, and at the end of a day at nursery, a 3 mile walk is going to be hard for your ds. And it is a lot for you as well, to walk 12 miles a day. Hats off to the tougher-than-me mums who are happy to do this, and have their small children do it, in all weathers!

I think people are being a bit unfair criticising your nursery choices- I appreciate how difficult it is to get affordable childcare: the better options get booked up months in advance. If your child is already in the nursery, it can be easier to change the day/ hours than it would be to find good quality cc at short notice. The way jobs are now, they aren't going to be falling over themselves to wait until you can get cc sorted out, or be chuffed that your dd isn't settling at her hastily-found nursery and you have to go and collect her. I don't think you are being silly in being loathe to remove her from a nursery where she is settled and happy in the hope of getting work.

I do think work-wise you might need to look into anything you can do at home- there are all sorts of things like proof-reading, indexing etc. Maybe you could even look into starting your own business- it doesn't have to be a huge outlay- maybe your SIL could even lend you some cash towards that, then you can pay her back when you are a multi-millionaire

I admire your drive to work, and your desire to stand on your own two feet. Sometimes it's good to have family who genuinely want to help, and as long as you are truly grateful and do your best to repay, it doesn't need to be a bad thing.

I know things must seem tough now, and it's hard to think of taking money from your SIL, but you could look on this time as a time of opportunity- necessity is the mother of invention, and you could find yourself ultimately doing something far more satisfying and financially rewarding than you were before. You and your SIL could be closer, as you know she was there when needed, and she would be happy to know she had helped out. I wish you luck!

I am also shocked by some of the reponses.

Why on earth should the OP send her son to school when he isn't ready just because its free? Good on you OP, for doing what you feel is right for your DS.

I was in the same position as you last year OP, recieving JSA but having to fund childcare to prove I was able to work. Luckily I found work not long after my six month claim ran out but I would have been loathed to remove my 2yo DD from nursery. I found a job working at the weekends for not great pay, and although its not great for family time it does mean DD gets to stay at nursery.

I can see how a second car can been seen as a luxury, in my world sending my DCs to a nursery they love and gain so much from isn't.

And if I were you I would also be considering SILs offer until thing improve, which I'm sure they will. We would certainly be in a worse state if it hadn't been for the generosity of family.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread.

On full time university courses you get help with childcare (80% of fees paid).

I wonder if that might apply to your course?

Before accepting money off someone else I would:

Pull both of them out of nursery (or just send your son for the 15 hours a week) and possibly sell the second car (which you won't need because you won't be doing nursery runs). However, this obviously does limit your chances of getting a job in the long term.

I would also say that I paid for my nephew to go to childcare when my sister was studying. She was a single parent who had just left an abusive relationship though so needed a leg up, not quite the same as your situation, but families should look after each other if they can. Would your SIL be happy to pay directly for the nursery for while you are doing your course? It is semantics of course but it feels different to pay for something for someone than to just give them the cash.

Good luck, the whole job with kids thing really is chicken and egg. I was lucky that I found a job as quickly as I did, but even so paying for full time daycare when I wasn't working stung like hell and I only did it for a couple of weeks!

I have nothing against either taking or receiving financial, or other help, where necessary...BUT

You're being totally unrealistic you are never going to find a job 11-3 3 days a week (or whatever hours you can actually do by the time you've dropped at 10 and collected at 4.

Remove your DC from nursery and save the money on fees and the car.

I'm also totally puzzled over you not wanting your son in school because he is "not ready" but you have no issue with him being in nursery when there is no requirement for him to be there

That should have been taking/giving or receiving/providing

I would leave DD in nursery, she is settled and happy there (by the sound of it anyway). You will need her to be there in Sept anyway so you can do your course... it would be madness to pull her out and not do your course.

I also wouldn't sell the car - feck walking 2 kids that many miles everyday!

I would, however, cut back on everything else (shop around for better deals on electricity/gas/insurance etc, be very frugal food shopping etc) so that we could afford to live without DSIL's money.

You are making 'lifestyle' choices and while you are still able to do that I could not take money off of anyone.

Cleaning is definitely the way forward, my friend gets paid £13.50 (cash) per hour (which she actually does declare and pay tax on!!) She has more clients than she can fit in and it was all done through word of mouth. When her DD was little, she used to take her with her (clients all fine with it)... Another friend works both Sat & Sun stocking shelves in a supermarket - it's not great money and it's not what she did pre-kids (she was a Project Manager) but it keeps food on the table.

Of course you want weekends to be 'family time' - who doesn't, but I don't see why your SIL should fund that really, when you have options.

My other sister (I have many) started out cleaning houses when she had small children. She got too many clients so decided to set up as a small business and take on another cleaner, then they got too many clients, so she took on another and so on.

Now she has many commercial contracts and while she doesn't need to clean herself these days, she still does because (bizarrely IMO) she loves it.

Unfortunately she got ALL the cleaning genes and the rest of us are happy to live in shit tips, which she will of course be happy to have cleaned for us, at $15 per hour...

I agree with Morloth about asking SIL to pay for nursery.

I make considerably more money than either of my siblings and am genuinely delighted when I can help them out.

I don't know the ins and outs, but I am pretty sure that my parents put my cousins through school for a couple of years when my aunt's marriage went completely pear-shaped.

Close and happy families run on fairly communist lines, IME.

Could you drop your DD's nursery time down to one day a week for now, to keep the place open, and increase it again when you get a job, or placement?

I would also consider ditching the car to get a bike. Maybe your SIL could help with that cost, if you can't afford the outlay. If you have somewhere to put it, you could just keep your car off-road for a while until you need it again.

An overdraft that is just increasing every month with no sign of let up is not a tenable situation. You need to take whatever economic measures you can to start decreasing it rather than increasing, if at all possible.

Joolyjoolyjoo and blibblibs...thanks for your comments. Interesting you think some of the comments are harsh - I just thought I was being sensitive because I was having my choices/finances scrutinised !

As my course is part-time, in the evening I am not entitled to any help from the college with nursery fees. Given my partner's income I would have had to pay the full college fees too had I wanted to go full time.

I am not against working at the weekends and stated that I have applied for weekend work but obviously weekedays is preferable.

There is a hell of a difference between nursery and school. My son, whilst a very bright 4yr old, can be very clingy and as recently as last month was breaking his heart going into nursery every morning. I don't think he is emotionally mature. He just wants to stay with me. My mum looked after him when he was 9months and I returned to work however she fell sick, ended up in hospital and I felt I had no option but to put him into nursery in order to be able to work. Our original plan had been to wait until he was 2. I hated the private nursery, apart from being so bloody expensive most of the staff were very young and I felt not that interested however it was the best we could afford and get a place in at the time. Then the council eventually called to offer him a place in his current nursery. In the long term I see him as benefiting from the time away from me to increase his confidence and interact with other adults/kids and at the back of my mind I know I could remove him if he ever became too upset. I couldn't do that if he was in school could I ! Having spoke to a number of teachers who are either friends or acquaintances they've all said if you have the slightest doubt, don't send them to school. And my bank account doesn't change that fact.

Pam What do you think of the suggestions of asking your SIL to pay for/contribute towards a bike? If nursery is only 3 miles away then it is perfectly doable.

ZonkedOut - thanks for your comments. Spoke to my partner about getting rid of the car but he's not keen on the idea of the kids being on the bike. I don't have a problem with it either if it was just me but have to be honest and say I would be worried sick about the kids in the backseat, Maybe it's just where I live but there are too many arseholes on the road.

Is there anyone at the nursery who could take your DC for you in exchange for ironing or babysitting? You could put up a poster at the nursery to see if anyone was interested in exchanging services.

Meant to say, then you just make sure your grocery shopping is done at the weekend so no 2nd car needed.

If he wants to be with you and you are not working, why don't you just pull him out of nursery and let him be with you?

Too many old socks, there are no Mum's that I know of at the nursery that would be near enough to take him. Also don't know any of them well enough that I'd be happy to hand over DS

Morloth - I have actually thought about taking him out completely but was trying not to be short sighted and saw nursery as a way of preparing him for school. When he was 5 and had to go it wouldn't be so difficult for him because he had spent some time away from me.

There is a nursery in the school which he will eventually be going to (accepts them from aged 3) and it's closer to home so I'm now thinking I could see if they have space for the 15hrs that are funded and take him and DD out of their current nursery. Then there would definitely be no need for the car and I'd be saving money as DD wouldn't be in nursery....All depends on whether the school nursery has space and how he settles...

In the meantime, I'd take the offer of money from my SIL, with the proviso that I'd like to keep the option of paying it back some day when I could and (privately) that I'd review the arrangement if it felt uncomfortable.

It's not your fault that you were made redundant and, hopefully, this period will be a blip between you being back at work etc.

Your SIL is really offering the money to your children - her neice and nephew - if it helps to see it that way.

Good luck.

Well whack him (and DD!) on their waitlist then, that could work out well.

It is hard to get it all sorted out.

I think you are letting your pride stand in the way of the benefits for you and your family tbh.

Take the money, be grateful and when times are better, pay it back, as she did the oney your dh gave her?

I would also say that, as you have a good relationship with sil and she doesnt live on your doorstep that makes it even better?

Try putting an advert in gumtree re the cleaning, you can charge about £10 ish an hour around here and good cleaners are like gold dust. It's worth a shot before you give up the nursery place?

Oh also have a look at the people per hour website for work. There is a lot of flexible stuff on there (not sure what you did before)

Putting him in the local school nursery sounds an excellent idea. My DS(3) was in a private nursery but I moved him into the school nursery in the term after his 3rd birthday. I was concerned because the pupil/teacher ratio was far lower than at the private one, but I was absolutely amazed at how quickly he settled in. On the plus side, your DS will also get to know the teachers/pupils he will be in Reception with.

IME, many schools start finalising numbers for the autumn term now, so you'd better get a move on!

I've only skim read a few posts...there is no way I would take the money from SIL (or anyone). I'd do absolutely anything rather than do this.