AIBU to not accept my SIL's offer of money and take my daughter out of nursery to save money ?

[Pam270774]

...this may get a wee bit complicated so bear with me....

I have a 4yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant with DD (nice...not) and after taking my maternity leave with her, have actively been looking for work for the past 18 months with no avail. I made my maternity/redundancy pay last as long as possible but then went onto JSA in October of last year. As I'm only entitled to 6 months due to my partner working, this benefit ran out in April. On the face of it my DH has a good job and salary, however when you take into account the mortgage, bills etc we are really stretched and the overdraft is getting bigger every month. We have 2 cars (DH needs his for work, I drive a 15yr old banger to get the kids to nursery and around town) no credit cards, have not been on a holiday in 4yrs and generally try to be as frugal as possible.

My SIL, who has a heart of gold, sat me down a couple of weeks ago and said she was really worried about me as I've been so anxious and worried about money and wanted to give me £50 a week, so £200 a month, for as long as she could to help out. Although this was incredibly generous of her my gut reaction was "No" as I don't like to feel indebted to anyone. The bulk of that £50 would probably go on petrol then on the kids when we're out and about.

DS attends nursery for a couple of hours 3 days a week (15hrs are paid for by the council). DD only attends 2 days as this was all we could afford when we were offered the place. It's a council nursery so we wouldn't find a cheaper alternative. On top of my JSA being stopped our tax credits have stopped too so we're down another £40 a month. Having racked my brains the only way I can see to save money and replace some of my JSA would be to take my daughter out which would give me approx £130 a month. I realise this reduces my chance of finding a job to bugger all basically but I've yet to find one that suits the hours I'm available anyway.

So would you accept the money from the SIL or take the wee one out of nursery ?

Well then, ignore most people's comments on here (mine included) and just take the bloody money! Your SIL probably wants to return the favour, you wouldn't have to live without a car or take your DCs out if nursery, so it's win-win. You say your reasons fix nit accepting people's help are irrational, sk think of it as therapy .

at 3 typos in one sentence. I blame tired typing on an iPod...

Three miles is walkable, especially when you're in a crappy financial situation.

My perspective is that you have a few choices here.

1. pull DD out of nursery and save the money from her CC. When you get a job, you find CC to suit, as most people do.

2. pull both DCs out of nursery, thereby saving even more money. This would also negate the desire to keep the car presumably.

3. sell the car and walk both DCs to and from nursery.

All three ways will save you a lot of money each month, and if your situation is as difficult as you have implied, you need to seriously consider doing something that is going to make life harder for a while. If you're going further and further into your overdraft each month, how much longer can you maintain the status quo?

I think it was quite unrealistic to think that you would get a job that is only two days a week, let alone the two days that you specify because of nursery. I know I'm very lucky to have my job which is part time term time, and I have the qualifications. I have quite a few friends that work in childcare, and the type of jobs you are looking for are like rocking horse shit.

If you are keeping your youngest child in nursery hoping that you will find a job that fits in with such a narrow time frame and you are getting yourself into debt to do that, you would be better off cutting your losses and pulling your youngest child out of nursery now, whether or not you decide to take the money from your sil.

I don't get why in the situation you are in you have deferred DS - school is free. You need to reverse that decision, it's not a decision based on your new financial reality, get the DCs out of childcare (2 children in paid childcare while you aren't working is a luxury), except perhaps keep dd in for the 1 day you may need for the placement and lose the second car.

There is nothing wrong with accepting sil help - but it sounds like you need her help and the money you could free up with nursery fees just to stand still.

I'm gobsmacked to be honest at the idea of paying nursery fees for 2 children when you are broke and not working, even more so at deferring school to do it - around here - even allowing for deducTion for free hours it's £30 plus per child per day.

I know what it's like to lose your income and have to wake up to a lot less money - I do sympathise but you simply aren't being realistic.

I would sell the car and ask sil to help with the cost of a bike that will carry you and the dc if the sale of the car doesn't cover it. You will need a way to get around whatever you do.

Then I would reduce both dc nursery time to one day a week so you can finish your course. If dc has no special needs I would send him to school in September.

I've deferred entry for DS because I don't believe he is ready for school ( and please not let's get into that argument, I'm sick of justifying this decision to people that know bugger all about our financial woes or my son). We're still eligible for the 15hrs a week paid cc if he is in nursery for another year.

I have no problem walking 12 miles, 3 days a week although DS might object to walking 6 miles.

I do honestly appreciate people's advice, but the use of the word luxury is really getting on my tts. The only* reason I have the 2 kids in nursery was so I was available for work. It's the whole chicken and egg scenario...I couldn't apply for certain jobs without knowing what childcare was in place and we could only afford limited childcare because I didn't have a job. I haven't suddenly woke up and smelled the coffee. It's just came to decision time because I am no longer receiving JSA.

Actually it would be 18 miles, wouldn't it...too tired to count...

Seriously, Pam, MsVestibule has some very good logic. The walk is do-able, I did the very same distance for a considerable time to get 5yo DC into school when DC2 was 3, going on 4. Why not try to do the walk on a couple of days and see what you think?

It may get on your tits - but it doesn't change the fact it is indeed a luxury - - i know there a very few jobs out there and even fewer with the hours you are able work.

Is DS in full time and you are funding the rest ? Because if you are - that's a luxury too.

I'm not against deferrment - I'm considering it myself for complex reasons - but DC won't be in paid childcare if I do. Because we couldnt afford it.

You need to weigh up how much childcare and the car you need to get them to it, is costing against how much you could realistically earn on the days they are in childcare.

But it is a luxury isn't it? To have a child in nursery when you don't need them to be? To be honest, I'm surprised you're allowed to claim JSA but specify such limited hours that you would work for (apologies if I've misunderstood that)

And I disagree - I don't think the walk is doable - daily - in winter in the pouring rain - with 2 children - and I speak as someone who walks distances with small DCs regularily.

When I was claiming JSA my agreement stated that I was available to work 18-20 hrs a week. That's taking into account the days that both kids were in cc and maybe a Saturday or Sunday.

DS is in 3 days from 10am - 4pm. He was in 9-5 when I worked but we reduced the hours when I was made redundant. So 15hrs of the 18hrs he is in nursery is funded.

Thanks for answering that, but I felt bad as soon as I hit post. The JSA thing is nothing to do with your original question (just my own nosiness / ignorance) Fwiw, I agree with those who've said that families help each other out & would consider accepting.

The walk is doable. A 4 year old will manage 3 miles twice a day, especially if he has a scooter or a buggy board. Yes it will take time, but you have time and little money. You can start now by walking one way and gradually build up all of your stamina. Ds may not be so keen the first few times but you control the family finances not him. In a couple of months you will be wondering what you worried about.
You will also be setting your children up with good exercise habits. When it rains you all wear waterproofs and wellies.

Oh, but I'd also consider the cleaning/ironing option ( if you're any better at either/both than I am!) because that seems like a relatively fuss free way to at least attempt to bring in more money yourself (few cards in a newsagent window to assess interest & then see where you end up)

No offence taken. I had no knowledge of the benefit system until made redundant so am learning all the time, I'd have asked the same question in your shoes. What angers me is that you can pay into a system for years, never claim a penny and then when you find yourself unemployed only receive benefit for 6 months....but that's a whole other discussion isn't it.

time, we'll have to agree to disagree then. :) I did the journey for years, daily, sun, wind and rain, a good 80% of it not along streets but across muddy (and sometimes snowy) fields. It wasn't always fun, sometimes it was a goddamned nightmare, others joyous, but I had no choice, finances dictated. We coped, you just do, if you have to. It depends, I guess, on how much Pam really needs to economise, how much risk her mortgage/rent/food on the table and her DP's mental health with regard to his peace of mind is at risk if the pair of them don't come to some agreement on how to cut back.

NB My younger child walked the whole 12 miles, 3 miles to take DC1 to school, 3 miles home again and the same journey in the afternoon to pick up so 6 miles in a day is certainly do-able.

Should always follow your gut instinct, which is telling you no.

Your sil would be more diplomatic popping a sainsbury gift card in the mail every so often, rather than offering 50 a week. You can use it for petrol as well as other stuff.

I don't think it's at all realistic to expect a 4 year old to walk 3 miles twice a day. If it was, they would not fund transport to school for younger school aged children who have to travel 2 miles or more.

"I'm gobsmacked to be honest at the idea of paying nursery fees for 2 children when you are broke and not working, even more so at deferring school to do it - around here - even allowing for deducTion for free hours it's £30 plus per child per day."

I actually agree with this.

You dont have a job. You have your children in nursery in case you do get a job. A job that is two days per week. A job that is the exact two days per week that your children have nursery places, rather than when you are required to work. Having your children in nursery demands a second car, rather than a bike with a bike trailer. The second car means second road tax, second insurance, a second MOT, in addition to petrol costs.

To afford this, you go overdrawn.

Honestly, this is madness. And yes, whether it gets on your tits or not, it is luxury, and as such, living beyond your means.

I totally understand your reluctance to let a lovely sister in law sub this.

You would be hundreds of pounds per month better off if you were to take your children out of nursery (bar maybe that one day), and use your feet, a bicycle, or public transport.

You say yourself your plan has backfired.

I would pull both out of nursery, a roof over thier heads and food in there bellies is more important.

You don't need a car OP

Get yourself a carrier bike

And to whoever said that taking money from family/giving money to family is perfectly normal in their culture...let's not pretend it also doesn't cause massive family fall outs because it certainly can.

halcyon, that policy for transport for children who's school is over 2 miles from home states that it's about safety. Those of us who chose/choose to send out DC to a school outside out catchement area are obliged to arrange and fund the journeys ourselves and for many like me that meant/means walking or biking. Sure, there's a policy out there but that doesn't mean that children are incapable of going by means other than motorised transport.