AIBU to not accept my SIL's offer of money and take my daughter out of nursery to save money ?

[Pam270774]

...this may get a wee bit complicated so bear with me....

I have a 4yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant with DD (nice...not) and after taking my maternity leave with her, have actively been looking for work for the past 18 months with no avail. I made my maternity/redundancy pay last as long as possible but then went onto JSA in October of last year. As I'm only entitled to 6 months due to my partner working, this benefit ran out in April. On the face of it my DH has a good job and salary, however when you take into account the mortgage, bills etc we are really stretched and the overdraft is getting bigger every month. We have 2 cars (DH needs his for work, I drive a 15yr old banger to get the kids to nursery and around town) no credit cards, have not been on a holiday in 4yrs and generally try to be as frugal as possible.

My SIL, who has a heart of gold, sat me down a couple of weeks ago and said she was really worried about me as I've been so anxious and worried about money and wanted to give me £50 a week, so £200 a month, for as long as she could to help out. Although this was incredibly generous of her my gut reaction was "No" as I don't like to feel indebted to anyone. The bulk of that £50 would probably go on petrol then on the kids when we're out and about.

DS attends nursery for a couple of hours 3 days a week (15hrs are paid for by the council). DD only attends 2 days as this was all we could afford when we were offered the place. It's a council nursery so we wouldn't find a cheaper alternative. On top of my JSA being stopped our tax credits have stopped too so we're down another £40 a month. Having racked my brains the only way I can see to save money and replace some of my JSA would be to take my daughter out which would give me approx £130 a month. I realise this reduces my chance of finding a job to bugger all basically but I've yet to find one that suits the hours I'm available anyway.

So would you accept the money from the SIL or take the wee one out of nursery ?

pam I don't agree with the posters saying take your DD out of nursery and sell the car. As and when the right job opportunity comes up you will need that nursery place and you may need the car for transport. Being that I'm jobhunting at the moment I understand that you need to be ready to work immediately, if you say I need a month to sort out transport and childcare you can kiss the job opportunity goodbye. I also agree that it's not just a case of take anything you can find - many people won't take on someone who is overqualified, they know you will leave a shop job for example as soon as you find something better, and if you put the work on your CV, future employers are going to look at your last job rather than your career from 18 months ago. Good luck with the studies - as others have said maybe some kind of childcare/childminding is the solution for you since it's what you're studying. People in our area have cards up asking for someone to do the school pickup and look after the child for an hour. Maybe you could advertise to do this kind of thing, if you got £10 or £15 per day five days a week it sounds like it would make a real difference.

There is only so long you can continue paying for unnecessary childcare though Emsmanan, it sounds like the OP has reached that point.

We are not close to the bone at all, but I would have been pressed to pay for as much childcare as the OP is without a job even though it would have made it harder to get a job.

It is a royal PITA.

Sorry I haven't the energy to read the whole thread but you are studying childcare with intention of working with children so why not look into becoming a Registered Childminder?

I know near me there is a company where you can register with them, and they do support for elderly people - Might be worth looking into something like that? I think you are more likely to get hours around your childcare, or evenings, with something like that.

If you are studying childcare have you thought about getting a job in a nursery? Then you would get paid and get discount on your children's fees.
Just ring them up and ask if they have any vacancies.

Its quite clear OP you have no intention of changing anything so dont see the point of a post.

You dont want to work weekends really so are waiting for a few hours on the set days for a job to be handed to you. Nobody i know pays for childcare and then looks for a job. Its done the other way round. You didnt need childcare in place to claim JSA so it didnt affect your benefits.

Take the money, let another adult pay whilst you sit home x days a week whilst your children are in childcare. Its obviously what you want to do and if anoter family member is mad enough to do it then let them waste their money.

Happymummy that's very harsh. FWIW we pay in excess of £500 per month to keep my daughter in childcare 1.5 days per week to allow me time to job hunt and it gives me days which I can commit to interviews immediately without having to organise DH to take half a day off work. We pay the highest rate of nursery fees because our nursery charges on a sliding scale, i.e. the rate drops at 2 days +, then again for full time. It means sacrifices right now but taking the time to find the right job now is going to pay dividends for years to come. I am sure I missed out on the first job I interviewed for because I said in the interview that I would need 3 or 4 weeks for my DD to settle into childcare if I was offered the job. Childcare places are not easy to find and it's always easier to get extra days if you're already "in" so now when I interview I say I'm available immediately.

Morloth I see your point but I think long term the OP would be better finding a way to earn a little money (childcare/cleaning like other people suggested) to maintain the childcare place for the reasons above.

I've gradually got the same impression tbh, HappyMummy.

A SAHM, even one with the intent of getting a job, certainly does not need two DCs in nursery places that are having to be funded by the family finances (yes, I know the older DC has a part-funded place, but this is also being topped up). Not to mention that the nursery issues are making the OP think her car is essential.

Working weekends would be a good idea to look into. OP, you need to get this idea out of your head that you need to keep the DCs in nursery on the chance that you get a job that fits those hours they are there. I don't know if this something you consider to be realistic or not, but either way it's not sustainable. It's taken you this long and you haven't been able to find a job that fits, how much longer can that go on before you realise you need to be more flexible?

What about a buggy board so your son doesn't have to walk?
I'm assuming there isn't any public transport to the nursery, or childcare available at your college? Or emergency childminders in your area in case you get an interview.
If you sell the car, and walk to nursery most days, could you afford to pay the odd taxi to get you all to nursery when it's pouring with rain?

op school is like nursery. They do leran through play they have a routine and make friends.
What do you imagine it would be like
he has to go to school sometime ( unless you plan to HE) and it will be hard at first but he will get used to it.

The drawback with not sending him to reception when everyone else starts is that when you do send him, he will not have made any friends and they will have had a years start on him. It will be more difficult for him as the others will be more settled and have already made their friendship groups. He will be the incomer and will find it hard to be accepted.
Also, reception in school is exactly like nursery- they follow the EYFS just the same and it is all about learning through play.

I'm a bit at those saying she shouldn't be deferring her DS purely on financial grounds!!! So potentially disadvantage her DS for the rest of his life to save the cost of 3 hours childcare per week .

I am a bit as now people are just picking the OP's life apart and forcing their judgements on this thread which was not about whether to delay school for a year and the OP particulary asked for this not to be discussed and you can see why that was...

I may be wrong, but I get the impression the OP is in Scotland so no such thing as reception, he would start in P1.

Sorry to be harsh OP but this thread is incredibly frustrating in that you are negative to any of the positive suggestions made to you. You are living beyond your means. If you 'really' don't want to accept your SILs money, you will have to make cuts in other ways. What about child minding ? Childcare problems solved ?

I only read the post but I would stop paying for childcare until I got a job. I'd apply for jobs and beg/trade babysitting favours from friends so I could go to interviews. Then, when I had a job, I'd made a decision about what childcare I could afford.

And I'd get rid of the second car. Nobody should have to drive to nursery. And supermarkets deliver.

Could you find a childminder for your children?

Have you applied for a school place for the coming year, at the school nearer you? I'm a bit unclear about how deferring places works but I thought you would have to have already applied for a place for next year, even if you were planning to defer his start date?

Either way, P.1 or reception won't be that much different from nursery, it will still involve lots of learning through play. If he is going to go the nearer school eventually, it would be better for him to go to its nursery unit if you can get a place as he would know more people once he starts school.

Cleaning sounds like a low risk way to test the market. Would be flexible hours.

I'm not sure what your previous job was. Insurance? Selling? Underwriting? But I really wouldn't go for a job that will pay less than that one. Bad luck losing your job while on maternity leave but keep looking in the area you're trained for.

HappyMummyOfOne - one question...what fu*king planet are you on ? Have you actually read all of my posts ?

I'm assuming you can't read as I clearly stated that I am not against working weekends and have applied weekend work. In order to get JSA I had to demonstrate that I was flexible and available for work....so if I had the two kids with me all week (and I love spending time with my kids before anyone says anything about that) I would have walked into the jobcentre saying that I was only available for work on Sat and Sunday ? Not very flexible...

"Nobody i know pays for childcare and then looks for a job" - well perhaps the people you know are very lucky in that they can find a job and find suitable childcare immediately after.

"Take the money, let another adult pay whilst you sit home x days a week whilst your children are in childcare. Its obviously what you want to do and if anoter family member is mad enough to do it then let them waste their money." - This part of your comment made my f**king blood boil to be perfectly honest. I've not been sat on my arse watching Jeremy bloody Kyle whilst the kids are in nursery 2/3 days. I've been looking for work, studying and trying to run a home.

With regards to working in a nursery, I have enquired in both my kid's and others and have been advised by all of them that until I have my HNC and have done 1yrs placement I would not be considered. I've already explained that childminding is not a possibility because of the work needing done to our house.

I understand that talking money, benefits and childcare can become heated sometimes but I honestly think some of the comments on here have been ridiculous. I am actually shaking I am so angry after reading your post....I came on here looking for advice and thankfully lots of members have been very helpful and gave me lots to think about (suggestions about cleaning, ironing, the bikes etc). Thanks for all of this.

However as result of your post I won't be posting on here again.

OP, even if you are not posting, I hope you are still reading.

HappyMummy was harsh, but she was right in some respects. The bulk of your posts seem to be leaning towards justifying reasons to do little to change your situation, aside from feeling less guilty about taking money from your SIL.

There have been lots and lots of solutions offered, I hope you feel able to consider them all, even the ones that you might not want to do.

Overall, you really just need to be more realistic about things I think, because maintaining the status quo is not.

Good luck.