AIBU to not accept my SIL's offer of money and take my daughter out of nursery to save money ?

[Pam270774]

...this may get a wee bit complicated so bear with me....

I have a 4yr old son and 2yr old daughter. I was made redundant at 8 months pregnant with DD (nice...not) and after taking my maternity leave with her, have actively been looking for work for the past 18 months with no avail. I made my maternity/redundancy pay last as long as possible but then went onto JSA in October of last year. As I'm only entitled to 6 months due to my partner working, this benefit ran out in April. On the face of it my DH has a good job and salary, however when you take into account the mortgage, bills etc we are really stretched and the overdraft is getting bigger every month. We have 2 cars (DH needs his for work, I drive a 15yr old banger to get the kids to nursery and around town) no credit cards, have not been on a holiday in 4yrs and generally try to be as frugal as possible.

My SIL, who has a heart of gold, sat me down a couple of weeks ago and said she was really worried about me as I've been so anxious and worried about money and wanted to give me £50 a week, so £200 a month, for as long as she could to help out. Although this was incredibly generous of her my gut reaction was "No" as I don't like to feel indebted to anyone. The bulk of that £50 would probably go on petrol then on the kids when we're out and about.

DS attends nursery for a couple of hours 3 days a week (15hrs are paid for by the council). DD only attends 2 days as this was all we could afford when we were offered the place. It's a council nursery so we wouldn't find a cheaper alternative. On top of my JSA being stopped our tax credits have stopped too so we're down another £40 a month. Having racked my brains the only way I can see to save money and replace some of my JSA would be to take my daughter out which would give me approx £130 a month. I realise this reduces my chance of finding a job to bugger all basically but I've yet to find one that suits the hours I'm available anyway.

So would you accept the money from the SIL or take the wee one out of nursery ?

It's your call, but my way of doing it then Pam would be to take DS out of the nursery too. He will be at school within a year so he'll be having to leave fairly soon anyway and personally I can't see how you can justify being in debt and your husband being awake at night with worry just so you have a car to take a 4 year old and a 2 yo to nursery. If you cut out both the cost of the 2 yo's place at the nursery and the cost of running a car to get her and her brother there it would surely make a significant difference to your income?

This is just how I feel - I wouldn't accept a penny of anyone's money unless my children were hungry and even then by heck I'd be embarassed to even consider accepting it while I still had a car on my drive.

Bonsoir...yes...then I just need to worry about selling the house...I'll add that to my list. Sorry for the sarcasm.

Could you ask your SIL to contribute towards a bike suitable for and your DC? THen you would save money on your car, your DC would stay in nursery and your SIL feels as though she has helped.

You seem to be spending a lot of money on logistics, which is money down the drain in my book.

If my SIL could afford the money, and I didn't think it would damage our relationship, I'd accept the offer of financial help. Maybe you could put a time limit on it, so you both expect how long it would go on for? Maybe you could talk through your reservations with her, and ask her to go away and think?

Prior to having DD we had a high disposable income and SIL and her partner were having a tough time. Whilst we didn't offer money, we did by significant/useful gifts. We might well have offered money if PIL hadn't helped out.

If I could afford it, and a family member was struggling, I would want to help out for a short period on time. i think the key is everyone understanding what the ground rules and assumptions are.

Good luck in whatever you decide. Our cleaner is like golddust and we pay her £8 an hour.

Your DH helped your SIL out so I'd accept her help if it was me. As others pointed out you could pay it back later if you wanted.

I second the cleaning. I do it, not because I like it but out of necessity.

I started with one job, got asked to do a one off clean for somebody else who asked me to then come every fortnight, and then asked me if I would do it for her daughter as well. I charge £10 ph and for the second two jobs have said I wont do it in the school holidays, so it is ultra convenient.

Also, I think there may just be more than a few cleaners who are over-qualified - I don't think this really counts as a valid excuse!

helloclitty ah - see I had already sold op's car and spent the money on that lovely bike

If you are studying childcare, could you offer your services as a nanny?
Will your dcs nursery let you put up a notice that you are available for evening babysitting?

Ivykaty I see, I like your thinking

If you're studying childcare what about workin for Sitters or similar.

Helennn - The overqualified comment referred to positions that I've seen advertised by a cleaning company. I know as a self employed cleaner then it wouldn't really matter what my qualifications were.

DH sometimes isn't home until 7ish with his job so not sure how the evening babysitting would work but thanks for all the input and responses. You've given me lots to think about.

Just had a look at the Sitters website (didn't even know they existed !) from what I gather they only deal with those who have an actual childcare qualification or are registered but again thanks for the idea, I'll look more into it.

Are you only looking for jobs with shifts that fit when your DD is in nursery (which would presumably be quite limited) or looking for any job and planning to increase DD's hours when you get one?

I would have thought sitters would consider you - afaik they like you to be crb checked and you are doing a relevant course, plus you are a mother.

I am going to go against the grain - sure get rid of the car etc BUT I would be reluctant to lose the nursery place. If it is anything like around here if you are in you are likely to get more time if you aren't you are likely to hang around waiting for a space. If you get an offer of a more full time position somewhere then you will need this place. Therefore I would take the money from SIL who sounds like she wants to help and you could always look at it as a long term loan and pay her back in years to come. Famillies love to help each other if they can.........your dh did, let her do the same back.

OP I think you do need the nursery time. You're looking for work and you're going to be studying.

How kind and lovely your family sounds - you are fortunate in that at least.

I honestly don't understand most of the poster's attitudes to taking money from family members. I wonder if this is an Anglo-Saxon thing? In most other cultures it is accepted that family members must help each other with childcare, with education expenses, starting a business, helping pay mortgages, giving money for expenses when family members face unemployment, and caring for elderly parents and grandparents.

In my extended family money flies around all the time. In recent years a lot of it comes from my account and lands in someone else's account. But I have been the beneficiary of family generosity in the past and have been extremely grateful for it. All this "I'd have to be starving in the gutter before I'd take a penny" sort of thing makes me wonder, why exactly? Genuine question. I'm not advocating, in any way, sponging off people in the long term. But if it is a help to you, if the offer is genuine, then why not take the money?

And then, when you're in a position to do so, help someone else and "repay" the debt. Just an idea.

Best of luck to you.

Pam - I really, really mean this in a nice way, but you do NOT need a second car, and DD does NOT need to be in nursery.

• If nursery for your DS is within a couple of miles, it's walkable/pushable. If it's not, as he's 4, presumably he'll be starting school in September(?) so a few weeks out of the 'school system' won't do him any harm.
• You can sort out childcare for DD when you get a job; it doesn't need to be in that nursery.
• You can use DH's car to get groceries when at weekends or evenings.

I know things have been tough financially, but you do seem to be a bit blinkered as to what's absolutely essential and what's a nice-to-have-if-you-can-afford-it. If you really can't give up the nursery/second car, then for the sake of your mental health, accept a gift/loan from your SIL, but I just couldn't take money from anybody unless I literally couldn't afford to feed my children .

Preferably looking for jobs fitting around the kid's nursery and then hoping to increase the hours of work and their nursery time if possible. However I have applied for weekend work too although this would be second choice as we all want to have as much family time as possible. Evening work is tricky because of my college commitments and DH's work. My lecturers are very understanding so I can dash into class 20 mins late because he has been stuck in traffic or held back but obviously couldn't do that in a job...

Think I'll be selling DD on ebay at this rate...

MsVestibule...Appreciate your comments but don't think I'm blinkered. I'm on here looking for advice and open to all useful suggestions. The nursery is 3 miles away so too far too walk. We're deferring DS for another year so won't be starting P1 until August 2013. I don't think I've stated that DD needs to be in nursery but that she was put into nursery so that I was available for work. As I previously stated I had to wait 9 mths to get DS in and 2 months for DD. If I was offered a job and childcare wasn't in place I could hardly ask them to keep the job open whilst I get her into nursery. I have mentioned getting rid of my car in the past to DH and he's always said no. Don't know if it's a male pride thing or he just likes to think of me and the kids travelling safely in the car.

Bowerbird....what a lovely place the world would be if everybody thought like you. And that is meant 100% sincerely. Things would be so much easier wouldn't it. Thanks

well car travel local to your home - within 3 miles - is the most dangerous of all travelling.

TBH I would walk with a buggy and a child on a bike/scotter on the pavement for 3 miles. I walk a lot though and my dd was always walked to nursery which was getting on for 3 miles. For the few occasions when it is tipping it down it is cheaper to get a taxi one way than to own another car, or get a bus for part of the journey and put the dc in wellies to splash in puddles.

Could you work out if you would be happier just living with an extra couple of hundred pounds a month or do you have to keep job searching and nursery?

Bowerbird, I think your attitude is lovely, too, and despite my previous comments, would always help family if they needed it. But Pam, if that's how you feel, and you/your DH have willingly helped his sister in the past, why are you uneasy about taking the money from her .

Really shocked at some of the comments on this thread.

I'm with bowerbird & whilst you absolutely need to agree ground expectations on both sides, it's not unreasonable at all to accept help form family in the short term. The only caution I'd have is that it does need to be reasonably short term: if you're unlikely to be able to maintain your previous standard of living without support in the foreseeable future, it may be better to try to cut back now that wait until forced.

Having said that, I accepted an interest free loan from my parents when we had yet another nasty shock with our house. They didn't want us extending the mortgage as we had worries about DP's job and as it turns out they were right because DP was made redundant shortly after. At the time of accepting said loan, we had two cars and I was (and am) shock, horror, a higher rate tax payer.

They are not going without to lend it and they know we will pay it back. It's not without it's challenges because we have very different ideas on 'value for money' (e.g. I spend twice as much on a pair of shoes as my mother but they last 4 times as long and I don't buy nearly as many) but by and large they're happy to help and we're grateful. When DP gets a new job we'll start paying back.

Bit of a ramble, but point is, I see no problem accepting help short term if you can see a light at the end of the tunnel and all parties are comfortable. I also don't think you need to be making your life much more difficult in order to demonstrate being 'on the bones of your arse' so to speak in order to accept that help.

Pam thank you for that.

Good question MsVestibule...without going into the hows and whys, lets just say that I have a big problem accepting help from anyone, yet I know I'm one of the first in my family to offer help if I can. I don't like to feel as though I owe someone something, it makes me feel vulnerable and in a weak, exposed position. That probably sounds silly but I have my reasons though they're completely irrational. DH cracks up with me all the time and often asks why I feel I have to do everything for everyone all the time. I'd help SIL tomorrow if she needed it and we were in a position to help. Maybe I'm a control freak, who knows...