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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so furious with my DDs that I can barely speak to them

171 replies

piellabakewell · 05/05/2012 23:47

They are 12 and 14. Eldest is at boarding school and only home one night a fortnight. Youngest likes being an only child while her sister is away and tends to be attention seeking when both are at home. They spent less than three hours together before I saw Dd1 push Dd2 hard and she fell against the sideboard. DD1 reported that she had asked DD2 to move aside and she had refused.

DD1 fractured her elbow 6 weeks ago and it has not yet healed. DD2 stubbed her toe really hard yesterday and now her big toenail is coming off and bleeds frequently. DD2 did not trust DD1 to look at her toe without hurting it. Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

I was horrified and furious. I sent them to their rooms and told them I was disgusted, disappointed and ashamed. I barely spoke to them after that, although I did tell DD1 that she was being insulting and it had to stop (over the last few days she has made numerous 'jokey' comments about me).

Now what? How can I turn my gorgeous, intelligent caring daughters into the people they are with others but lose sight of when they are together? They have apologised to me but this has got to stop.

OP posts:
crosspatched · 05/05/2012 23:49

Why is one of them boarding? The dynamic is thrown off probably - how are they during the holidays, does it settle down?

Is DD1 angry with you? Hence the comments?

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 05/05/2012 23:52

Just a thought but it's going to be hard, I'd think, for the eldest to adjust to being at home again, and the youngest to adjust to them being back. If it's only for one night that's not long to spend time together, hang out etc.. why is one at boarding school and one at home, and the one who's at boarding school only back one night a fortnight?

Gumby · 05/05/2012 23:52

How did dd1 insult you over the last few days if she's only home once a fortnight?

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 23:53

I know how much you want them to get on, but you can't make them.

All you can do is persistently ram home call them on being shitty to each other, and give long lectures keep reminding them of how to be considerate and civil polite to each other.

Hormones must be coming into the mix somewhere, just try not to think of it as you losing the end game of being a brilliant mum to them, it'll all come right in the end Smile

hotsauce · 05/05/2012 23:54

maybe they should spend more time together.

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 23:55

I got my first 'I hate you' (and said Kevin like as well) from 11 YO DD1 yesterday, I could only laugh at the predictability of it all Grin

Original poster
piellabakewell · 05/05/2012 23:55

She boards because she wants to. The other is home because she doesn't want to board. They are mostly ok, niggle each other a bit but I have not seen them physically aggressive for a very long time.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2012 23:55

I was at home while by DB went to boarding school for about three years. There were really logical reasons for the decision on my DPs' part. However, he was really sad when he had to leave and was very jealous of me. I felt guilty and didn't get over feeling I had some weird responsibility for him for YEARS. Maybe this is the issue.

BaronessBomburst · 05/05/2012 23:56

I think I'd have issues with my sibling too if I was at boarding school whilst he/ she behaved like an only child at home.

Can you elaborate OP?

Original poster
piellabakewell · 05/05/2012 23:58

Gumby, she has a mobile!

Home once a fortnight because she has lessons until noon on Saturdays. They are at their dad's alternate Saturday nights.

OP posts:
WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 05/05/2012 23:59

I get that they might both want to do it - board/ not board- but I guess a question is what is this impact of this on their/ your relationship? It's quite a distinction to have between two siblings.

Original poster
piellabakewell · 05/05/2012 23:59

Baroness she is like an only child as she doesn't have to compete with her sister for my attention. That's all.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 00:00

What do you seriously expect???

"she boards because she wants to"... ffs, there were a lot of things I "wanted" to do as a kid, but my parents didnt just let me do them..

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/05/2012 00:00

i think maybe the bigger issue is that you have no sense of normal sibling daftness because for the most part it is like having just one child - the one who is at home.

if they were together more then they would likely not do this, but as they are only together once a fortnight it must feel quite odd for all of you.

im not sure what to suggest really, and im not sure why you sent them both to their rooms when DD1 appears from you OP to be the aggressor? seems unfair.

im not sure how you expect them to be around each other when they see so little of each other though?

Nyac · 06/05/2012 00:01

I think their life sounds pretty tough and maybe you should try empathy towards them instead of anger. It might be a more positive way of approaching this. It would certainly set them a better example, as they are obviously responding with anger to difficult situations too.

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 06/05/2012 00:01

OP you're saying things in quite a 'matter of fact' way, but a few of us are saying that maybe those things- potentially- aren't quite as matter of fact, and a bit more loaded emotionally than it's easy/ comfortable to think about?

bejeezus · 06/05/2012 00:04

How an earth can you expect to be able to have any influence over this if your dd1 is only home once a week?

Agree with other about the dynamics

Sounds like a fucked up situation to me

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 00:04

Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

You do realise that sisters so close in age will rarely nurture each other as teens...

No, you probably dont have any idea... and they are more like strangers to each other than sisters anyway..

I wonder why your eldest wanted to get away from you... :(

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/05/2012 00:05

siblings do fight and mess about and josh and joke and hurt each other - im not sure there is anything to be "furious" with them about either....??

sorry op, but as i said, how are they meant to be around each other when they dont see each other?

could there be some resentment there bubbling away under the surface?

seeker · 06/05/2012 00:05

How can th have any sort of relationship if they only see each other once a fortnight? The boarding one is jealous of the time the other one spends at home, nd the at home one is jealous of the boarding one's school adventures.

An impossible circle to square.

Bellstar · 06/05/2012 00:05

You have one dd who boards and one who doesnt and you wonder why they dont get on?Hmm unless you are in the military or have a long term over seas posting-why did you have dcs? I would gouge my own eyes out rather than live apart from my children....

lisad123 · 06/05/2012 00:05

It sounds like they spend very little time together and the are meant to be like best buddies. How long has dd1 been a boarder for? Sadly you can't force them to play nice but you can set clear rules about how to treat each other while with you.
If they are at their dads every other weekend, surely they can go months without seeing each other.
Just because she wants to board, doesn't mean she won't feel left out/pushed out at home Sad

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 06/05/2012 00:06

folks- give the OP a break- she started this thread trying to understand her daughters better, give her a chance

Gumby · 06/05/2012 00:07

So dd1 is only home with you once a month if every other fortnight she's with her dad?
It's hormones
They must be raging at 14

Nyac · 06/05/2012 00:07

Agree about the nurturing comment. Actually it's the parents' job to nurture the children, not the children's job to nurture each other.

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