To be so furious with my DDs that I can barely speak to them

[piellabakewell]

They are 12 and 14. Eldest is at boarding school and only home one night a fortnight. Youngest likes being an only child while her sister is away and tends to be attention seeking when both are at home. They spent less than three hours together before I saw Dd1 push Dd2 hard and she fell against the sideboard. DD1 reported that she had asked DD2 to move aside and she had refused.

DD1 fractured her elbow 6 weeks ago and it has not yet healed. DD2 stubbed her toe really hard yesterday and now her big toenail is coming off and bleeds frequently. DD2 did not trust DD1 to look at her toe without hurting it. Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

I was horrified and furious. I sent them to their rooms and told them I was disgusted, disappointed and ashamed. I barely spoke to them after that, although I did tell DD1 that she was being insulting and it had to stop (over the last few days she has made numerous 'jokey' comments about me).

Now what? How can I turn my gorgeous, intelligent caring daughters into the people they are with others but lose sight of when they are together? They have apologised to me but this has got to stop.

Op - Sisters close in age often fight tooth and nail while growing up. The nurturing doesn't come till both have left home and realise how much they had in common with each other versus the world. We've never drawn blood but my sis and I used to have slapping and pushing fights because we both wanted the last word and found each other v irritating. My mum can't believe we've grown up and actually like and support each other now.

Be very firm about how they talk to you and treat you - if either DD is insulting or being rude to you or another grown up, stamp it out immediately. Eg withdrawing treats, grounding (esp when her sister is going out), no Facebook or take away her iPod/MP3 player, any one of these teenage equivalents of the naughty step.

With regards how they treat each other, it doesn't have anything to do with whether they love each other or not. They may or they may not, but they probably still find each other annoying during certain flash points. Separate them if you hear animosity starting to build up. Also make a rule that if they cannot talk without shouting, whoever shouting has to go to their room and be quiet till they've calmed down. With regards the feeling of not getting enough attention - it is worth spending a little time (it might be 5 or15 minutes) with each DD separately and privately every other day just to ask her what happened (with the fights) and how she is feeling. The private talks reassure each DD that the other isn't the favourite, which is what they sometimes worry about.

If you have two DC's and one wants to board and the other doesn't and you are able to facilitate this, it makes sense to do it. It would be stupid to force the younger one to board when she doesn't want to or to prevent the older one from boarding if she enjoys it.

Lisad, she does not live at school, she lives at home. She stays at school during the week in term time. I speak to her every day, often at length.

I don't want a debate on the merits or not of boarding, the situation is that she does and will continue to do so for a further year. I appreciate that this is having an impact and welcome suggestions for dealing with it.

Teenage sisters often - no, I'd say usually - argue etc.

I think your reaction is quite disproportionate and you need to look again at what buttons are being pressed in you by this behaviour. Perhaps you think it's proof they were damaged by you and your XH not seperating sooner, and that makes you feel guilty, which makes you feel angry, which you direct at them?

Do they go to the same school? If so why is it not possible to drop dd1 back on Monday morning? As you said, it's only 20miles away

OP leaving aside the boarding thing, I think you have seriously overreacted.

Be angry, send them to their rooms to calm down.
But ashamed? Disappointed? That two teenage (essentially) girls have had a row? You have overreacted and just added to the hysteria.

It doesn't 'make sense' at all IMO holy

Can DD1 skype? A webcam conversation might make her more 'present' for your DD2. We do that with DH when he's away, the (much younger), DCs respond much better if they've 'seen' him while he's been gone.

The first thing you need to do is to get your anger under control and stop blaming them for their behaviour and the situation, and instead start empathising. Then you'll be able to find creative ways to help them.

Thank you kipper for such a helpful post.

I can't ground DD1, she doesn't go out anyway as her friends are not near us. However, if her laptop was taken away it would certainly have an impact!

What would you do bejeezus? Force the younger one to go against her will or take the older one out against her will? Making them the same is more important than making them happy/doing what's best for them? That's an odd approach to parenting imo.

'However they spent ten years living in a family home where their dad was emotionally distant and their parents marriage was deteriorating. I cannot help but think this impacted on their relationships.'

Yes, OP, I'd imagine it had a huge affect on their relationships. It would probably explain why your older DD wanted to go to boarding school. I'd hazard a guess that this probably left your younger DD feeling somewhat abandoned. I'm sorry, I know you don't want a debate on boarding school (with which I have no problems , btw, had some friends who boarded and loved it), but the further separation of their family must have taken its toll on them.

Are you this controlling towards your daughters about what they are and aren't allowed to talk about to you?

You posted in AIBU about a daughter who went to board at ten after the marital split of her parents, and another daughter who stayed at home who sees her sister once a week, and who are fighting with each other, but you expect people not to talk about the issue of boarding and the fractured family. It doesn't seem terribly rational.

She might not live at school but she certainly doesn't live at home either to be fair.

Holy I'd see the point as not so much making them the same but it being about people not being treated differently on certain things- e.g. we all get puddings/ no puddings, we all share the toys, we all ask permission to leave the table, we all get (roughly) the same amount xmas presents, we all live in the same circumstances.

Obviously there's the situation of a child very particular needs (ballet school sort of thing, or a child with a significant disability) before anyone points this out!

They do not go to the same school. DD2 attends a local school and I drop her there on my way to work, a mile further along the road. I do not have time for the busiest section of the M25 in two directions before I get to work at 8.15.

I don't feel that I over-reacted when they were physically aggressive to each other. I would not normally send them upstairs but it was 9pm when this happened anyway. I have been in and kissed them both good night, but they needed to know that hurting each other will not be tolerated. I am surprised at the posts that seem to imply it is normal. As I said, I was not angry in a shouting, scary way, but firm and no nonsense.

IMO yes probably the divorce and the difference in schooling/living situation are having an impact on your girls and their relationship. But then equally teenage - especially early teens - so often 'hate' their siblings. And to have all that emotion squeezed into 1 day a fortnight will be tough
However the question to me is how to deal with it now and in one year when the eldest comes home. Personally rather than send them to their rooms you all need to talk. For now I'd go see each of them individually and talk about what is going on in their lives, and then listen to them but really listen. Then tomorrow with a clear day and a good night sleep - sit down as a family and talk some more. They are 12 and 14 they are old enough to listen and talk to each other and you about how their family works.
I also think you need to do this now and ongoing because the whole dynamic will change massively when the eldest comes back after gsce and I think you need to start laying some foundations for that as well as deal with the current situation.

Wottinger as far as I can gather from the OP the older child chose to board and the younger one chose to stay at home. They are being treated the same; they have both been given a choice about whether to board or not and they have both had their choice taken into consideration.

Okay, well if you want suggestions for dealing with it, OP - I suppose any loss of privileges (taking away laptop, mobile phone, grounding) will probably serve as a good incentive for them to behave / get on better.

From personal experience though, I would advise just leaving them to it (well, unless they are actually about to harm one another). My Mum always refused to induge / get involved with our bickering. So, we had our yelling matches, got it all out of our systems, and then kissed and made up fairly quickly, as one or the other of us would have felt horrid and apologised. Would leaving them to develop a relationship on their own (incl. fights, rows, and periods of being best buddies) help, do you think? I don't have teens of my own btw (so you may think I'm talking shite), but this approach definitely worked for my sisters and I.

It is normal sibling behaviour but you are being unreasonable to be so furious you can't speak to them....given the fact they're not being raised together.

Can you imagine how difficult that must be for them?

For what it is worth, she boarded at 11 at the start of year 7. At that time her parents were still living together. We separated over a year later and continued to share the marital home for a further year.

I posted here because it is busy even at this time and I want to handle this situation in the best way in the morning.

Holy I'd say, and shoot me down if you don't agree, that a 10 year old child shouldn't choose where they want to live, if that involves living with none of their family members. You do not have the maturity at 10 to make that choice. Against the background of recently seperated parents. It is so very clearly not the same as said 10 year old choosing to have a room painted purple, or drop out of church group, or want their hair cut short...

Also, OP, I'm not really sure what you are expecting here. You do not want anyone to mention the boarding school situation (even though it seems that it may be the source of the animosity between your daughters), but at the same time, when posters such as I tried to reassure you that sibling bickering is normal, you responded that you are 'surprised at the posts that seem to imply it is normal'. Btw, the reason I shared my story about my sisters and I fighting was to attempt to reassure that your current family dynamic might not be the lone cause of your daughters arguing, but you don't seem to want to hear that either.

Has the suggestion that you empathise with their situation(s) and look at what life must be life from their points of view had any impact piella?

My stepdaughters were 2 years apart in age and fought almost continuously throughout their teens. When they were not fighting, they were as thick as thieves and would defend each other without hesitation.

Siblings fighting is absolutely normal.

I would say that you find it "odd" because of the domestic situation that your children have.