To be so furious with my DDs that I can barely speak to them

[piellabakewell]

They are 12 and 14. Eldest is at boarding school and only home one night a fortnight. Youngest likes being an only child while her sister is away and tends to be attention seeking when both are at home. They spent less than three hours together before I saw Dd1 push Dd2 hard and she fell against the sideboard. DD1 reported that she had asked DD2 to move aside and she had refused.

DD1 fractured her elbow 6 weeks ago and it has not yet healed. DD2 stubbed her toe really hard yesterday and now her big toenail is coming off and bleeds frequently. DD2 did not trust DD1 to look at her toe without hurting it. Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

I was horrified and furious. I sent them to their rooms and told them I was disgusted, disappointed and ashamed. I barely spoke to them after that, although I did tell DD1 that she was being insulting and it had to stop (over the last few days she has made numerous 'jokey' comments about me).

Now what? How can I turn my gorgeous, intelligent caring daughters into the people they are with others but lose sight of when they are together? They have apologised to me but this has got to stop.

So she is home one Saturday a fortnight? One fortnight a month she sees you, with her sister? Every other fortnight she sees her father, with her sister?

Tell me, when does she actually get any quality time with you & her father? Your dd2 sees you all the time, but your eldest only once a month. I can see why she is acting how she is, to be fair.

2 years between me and my sister and we were utterly vile to each other for about 3 or 4 years!

I agree that dropping the youngest off at school and therefore giving the eldest one night less at home isnt nice. The eldest may well feel that you are using her wish to board (whcih I would have said no to btw) as an excuse to treat the younger one more favourably. Its not true but thats how teens thing...trust me on this!

I should say that Dsis and I are best friends now :)

gymmummy Sadly, yes, but usually it was pushing and shoving (that occasionally got out of hand) rather than hitting/ kicking.

I think the issue is that in sibling spats with a close age gap is that neither of you is in a position of authority. Neither of you can pull rank so it can descend into Lord of the Flies quite quickly over a trivial matter such as "she borrowed my top and didnt ask". You might be lucky as the 3 yr gap gives a slightly larger strength ratio. The problem with my sis and I was that we were only 15mo apart, so physcially pretty evenly matched.

It also used to massively annoy me that my mum wouldnt take my side, because obviously I was in the right 100% of the time

Another thing I thought of re the OP (and this isnt a BS bash, just an observation) is that the time things were the worst between my sister and I was the first year I was at Uni. When I came back for the holidays (where my sis was now the alpha, or so she thought..........), the rows were frikkin' endless. My mum actually drove me back a week early at easter as she couldnt stand it any longer. we get on fine now.

gymmummy64 'There have been a number of posts suggesting that physical aggression between teenage female siblings can be standard and is not unusual.'

Er, it doesn't happen in my house, so I wouldn't consider it standard.

Heath my 21 year old son doesnt drink, doesnt like it, doesnt want to. He has only had 1 GF who he adores and is completely faithful to. They rarely go to pubs or clubs, preferring the cinema or Xbox game playing (ffs, how romantic.....:o )

Just because he doesnt do it doesnt mean that getting as pissed as a fart and shagging a total stranger every weekend at the age of 21 isnt standard!

I'm glad I've got non-standard, placid kids, then!

Mine are 14 and 11, they push and shove each other on average once a day.

DD2 is infuriating, DD1 is a clumsy great thing, who forgets she's bigger than me.

If your DDs lived together you really wouldn't notice.

Enjoy Heath, I wish I did :o

It's not un usual, gym. Not every child will resort to fisticuffs but it's normal. Or rather, it's not ab normal. It doesn't indicate there is something wrong with the child/sibling relationship/family unit.

It was a spat and they have apologised. Sounds like you have all had a lot going on for the last few years. Hopefully the sun is shining. Have a jama picnic breakfast together in your bed and talk about what happened. Talk about how they both feel and what they feel would make things better for all of you. Find out if DD1 would prefer to go back to school on Monday mornings and see if you can support it. The school situation sounds like it won't last for ever and you need to find out what they both want to do individually and collectively next.

Children are different. Mine are like chalk and cheese and peas in a pod! DS 17, DD 14 (DS was vile from 14 - 16.5, DD is quirky and quiet and a bit insular but not difficult -yet). Different children need different things and often need different schools. Mine were only at the same school for one year - what worked for one didn't for the other. In this part of London btw lots of families have children at different schools spread over London and Surrey and lots of families have one child boarding and two at home or some other computation.

I don't know much about family dynamics as an only child of two only children but know that our two love each other - even if they only grunt at each other and tell each other they are stupid/a pig/lack empathy/nerdy - can't remember the last time I saw them sit and have a real conversation without insulting each other. Will go and look at old holiday photos soon - when they were small and held hands and looked edible . Think it's all part of life's tapestry to be honest OP and suspect you build up the family to be special and then get disappointed because it ends up being fractious. Perhaps if you expect a bit of fractious you will deal with it better and a bit more harmony with ensue.

I would just count your luck stars that one of them boards and you don't have to deal with it EVERY day (like my mother did!)
Sounds pretty standard teen-sister behaviour to me. My sister and I stopped attacking each other somewhere in our late 20s (and we are otherwise well educated, civilised, ordinary people). Just have a glass of wine and be glad they aren't boys.

I'm not sure why the OP is getting a hard time about the girls boarding, not boarding or at different schools. She hasn't said that they are unhappy - so it may well work for the girls.

I think it sounds like a bit of a fuss over nothing - they had a bit of an argument and the eldest dd pushed the younger. Not that it is acceptable behaviour but I'm not go so far as being disgusted and ashamed. Disappointed maybe...

Unless there are other issues OP has not mentioned, if this was a one off then discuss it, tell them you're annoyed and move on....

Boarding may work well for the older girl, she may be very happy at school.
It doesn't alter the fact that she is getting far less time with her family, particularly her mother. Who has not yet said whether her older daughter gets any 1:1 time with her, minus younger daughter.

I'm not sure how often you can organise 1 to 1 time with more than one child and as a single parent anyway.......OP says she visits her daughter and spends lots of time talking on the telephone too. I bet that's more than some teens that live at home!

Unless OP talks to the girls and asks if they are happy with the set up this is all assumption and specultation - just because the girls had a bit of an argument doesn't mean they have a poor relationship with their mother/parents.

You can't make them get on.

You need to use consistent and fair discipline for both of them.

Telling them you are disgusted etc is way OTT.

It's a terrible age and they might have stuff going on that you don't know about.

What are they like at their dad's?

I hope things are better today. Fwiw I do think it's normal in these circumstances that occasionally it will comes to blows. They are heading into adulthood with all entitles but are still children at heart.

I think talking/treating them like adults is the best path, grow it back to them regarding what's acceptable and the way forward.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid.
My youngerst 2, 10 and 13, were fighting yesterday and my 10 year old had been at her friends for most of the day.
My 13 year old ds threw a wobble when dd2 (10) won at cards. Apparently it was my fault and he stormed off calling me a bitch.
At that point I started to think of my very wealthy, childless best friend for some reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Normal but annoying. Nurtureshock has some interesting things to say about sibling disputes. Siblings without Rivalry may help, too.

Thanks for your reply gymmummy64. My DSis and I have an 7 year age gap. I could beat her at the mind games every time, I was very good at pushing her buttons and closing down her options until she would lash out at me in frustration.

I really can't remember why we were so horrible to each other - she is a lovely person and I'm very proud of her.

I have only read page one, so apologies if any of what I type is made redundant.

OP, I think you are overreacting. Sounds like normal behaviour to me.

I didn't go to boarding school and I had next to no relationship with my little sister when I was their age - neither of us were interested as we had our own friends. We walked to and from school together, and that was probably the limit of our actual contact with each other. I would again say this is pretty normal behaviour from a 12 and fourteen year old?

Boarding school obviously works for them - but on this occasion OP has been shocked at the aggression displayed by her eldest. Rather than jumping on the boarding school thing, could it not just be that she is a hormonal teenager, and her sister pissed her off? I remember the full on fights in my house when someone immediately sat down in a space recently vacated!

Maybe the oldest girl would rather be at school surrounded my friends and having a high old time, than at home, texting her friends who are all having a high old time without her? She has been there four years now, it doesn't matter what her reasons were for going in the first place, that is done, but she obviously feels comfortable there. I will assume here that OP actually converses with her children and they do talk about whether she would prefer to be a day student or not.