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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so furious with my DDs that I can barely speak to them

171 replies

piellabakewell · 05/05/2012 23:47

They are 12 and 14. Eldest is at boarding school and only home one night a fortnight. Youngest likes being an only child while her sister is away and tends to be attention seeking when both are at home. They spent less than three hours together before I saw Dd1 push Dd2 hard and she fell against the sideboard. DD1 reported that she had asked DD2 to move aside and she had refused.

DD1 fractured her elbow 6 weeks ago and it has not yet healed. DD2 stubbed her toe really hard yesterday and now her big toenail is coming off and bleeds frequently. DD2 did not trust DD1 to look at her toe without hurting it. Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

I was horrified and furious. I sent them to their rooms and told them I was disgusted, disappointed and ashamed. I barely spoke to them after that, although I did tell DD1 that she was being insulting and it had to stop (over the last few days she has made numerous 'jokey' comments about me).

Now what? How can I turn my gorgeous, intelligent caring daughters into the people they are with others but lose sight of when they are together? They have apologised to me but this has got to stop.

OP posts:

Gumby · 06/05/2012 00:08

bellstar
that's uncalled for

Boarding school isn't just for military families

lemonaid · 06/05/2012 00:08

From what you've said, all your DD2 did was to refuse to move when your DD1 told her to -- and then she got pushed into a sideboard for it, and you told her that you were "disgusted, disappointed and ashamed" and sent her to her room?

If your DDs aren't seeing much of each other they aren't going to learn how to rub along together and get past the hostility. Is there a particular reason your DD1 isn't weekly boarding and coming home two nights a week rather than one night a fortnight?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/05/2012 00:08

This sounds like normal sibling behaviour to me, I speak as one of three.

You are used to a quiet house, one child.

While you see her once a fortnight, your eldest is growing into a young woman and frankly I don't see how you hope to 'shape' her, when you spend so little time with her.

Your DDs see each other for 24 hours once a week, in alternating houses. That doesn't provide a very stable backdrop for their relationship.

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 00:09

I think Bellstar has a very valid point.

bejeezus · 06/05/2012 00:11

Fair dos wott

Ok OP IMO you need to take.dd1 out of boarding school and the 3 of you live as a family unit

mynewpassion · 06/05/2012 00:11

Maybe you need to spend some alone time with DD1 if she boards.

NannyBeth · 06/05/2012 00:11

If it makes you feel better, my sister and I (3yr gap) were almost constantly fighting as teens. And when we weren't, we'd be fighting with our mum! As twenty-somethings, we get on fine and other than joking ribs, rarely even bicker.

Give it time, hormones plus their not having much time to discover how to deal with each others little foibles may combine in bad ways for a few years yet but should even out in the end.

bejeezus · 06/05/2012 00:12

It's too fundamental...

Original poster

piellabakewell · 06/05/2012 00:18

Thanks wottinger, I don't need a debate about boarding just now. She is only 20 miles away and I see her every week usually, even if it's only for a short time. She comes home almost every weekend but they are both at dads or both here. She has been boarding for nearly 4 years and the girls regularly talk, text etc in term time. Holidays are long so they get quite a lot of time together.

Although furious, I was extremely calm and not 'angry'. I have a sister 2 years older than me so I know how it can be. I am also a teacher and a master of the quiet, calm but ' I mean business manner.

OP posts:

lisad123 · 06/05/2012 00:20

So at 10 she decided she wanted to live at school and you let her

Nyac · 06/05/2012 00:21

Being so furious that you are barely able to speak to your dds isn't being in control of your anger.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 06/05/2012 00:21

Well, my sisters and I were hideous to each other as teens. Squabbling, name-calling, constantly stealing each others clothes and make-up and each of us being enraged at the others for doing it. However, we also looked out for each other, fiercely defended each other, and snuggled together with my Mum in her bed every Wed night for a number of years to watch SATC.

The arguing is normal, I think, for teenagers, and as adults we are now very close, and I would consider my sisters to be two of my best friends. It would have been difficult for us to become as close as we are if we had as little time together as your daughters. Obviously, OP, you know what works best for your family, and I am not criticising / judging at all, but I imagine there must be some resentment bubbling away under the surface. One daughter gets to board (which your younger daughter may well be resentful of), then the other gets lots of time at home alone with you (which your older daughter could be jealous of). This could explain something seemingly innocuous (one asking the other to move, the other refusing) boiling over into a row / physical altercation.

Not that any of that is particularly helpful. It's not my place to say this, but is it necessary that DD1 board? I think they just need more time together to build a relationship. At their ages, they change so quickly, that at the moment they must seem like (hormonal) strangers to each other. Do they have any moments of bonding / looking out for each other, or is it all animosity when they are together?

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 06/05/2012 00:24

It seems like the question OP a few folk are raising- in different ways- is the impact on their/your dynamic of being in the same family but in quite different circumstances (boarding/ not boarding).

I can remember moving house- by train, and by myself- in my early 20's, and point blank refusing any help from my Dad. The same Dad who'd recently had an affair. His memory of this, a few years down the line was that it was me asserting my independence, but it really wasn't, more that I was hurt and angry and sort of couldn't risk letting him be close and act as a 'parent'. Your description of your older daughter reminded me of this, not saying that it is necessarily the case or anything.

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 00:24

I don't need a debate about boarding just now.

I am sure you dont, but that is the root of your problems, and certainly why your daughters are not behaving how you would like them to.

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 06/05/2012 00:27

OP just to clarify- it's not ( in my case at least) saying that boarding is evil, how can you etc... but the effect of one boarding and one not.

Original poster

piellabakewell · 06/05/2012 00:28

I keep typing stuff that disappears when the site goes down. She is staying at this school til she finishes her gcses next summer, then she will be attending a local sixth form college. She cannot come home 2 nights a week when she has lessons on a Saturday and it is not practical to drive her back to school on Monday morning before I go to work.

As for the nurturing comment, they are both injured and should be looking after each other - they do manage this quite often! I have an extremely loving relationship with both of them. However they spent ten years living in a family home where their dad was emotionally distant and their parents marriage was deteriorating. I cannot help but think this impacted on their relationships.

OP posts:

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 06/05/2012 00:29

'I am sure you dont, but that is the root of your problems, and certainly why your daughters are not behaving how you would like them to.'

You don't know that squeaky!

Nyac · 06/05/2012 00:30

Well if that's the case then why are you getting angry with them?

Children generally behave the way they've been taught. You can't expect better from them if nobody has ever shown them how.

Did your dd really go off to boarding school when your marriage ended?

Triggles · 06/05/2012 00:30

If it helps, I was 12 when one of my sisters was 14. This pretty much sounds like us at that age. We fought and tormented each other endlessly, but if anyone else went after one sister, the other defended immediately. And I say this as the younger sister who was adept at getting my older sister in trouble regularly (she was far far too gullible sometimes ).

It's possible there are underlying issues, but with teenagers it could be anything really. Sit down with them, either together or separately, and ask.

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 00:30

However they spent ten years living in a family home where their dad was emotionally distant and their parents marriage was deteriorating.

Do you not think that perhaps this was part of the reason your eldest daughter wanted to get away to boarding school... and then your youngest felt abandoned not only by her father when he left, but also by her sister...

A psychologist would have a field day with this to be honest..

textfan · 06/05/2012 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bejeezus · 06/05/2012 00:31

Maybe your marriage and distant father is why dd1 'chose' to go to boarding school?

seeker · 06/05/2012 00:31

"However they spent ten years living in a family home where their dad was emotionally distant and their parents marriage was deteriorating. I cannot help but think this impacted on their relationships."

I agree. Why did you think one of the then going to hoarding school would help?

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 00:31

Well if it did then why are you so furious you can barely speak to them?

They didn't choose for their parent's marriage to deteriorate.

Perhaps you need to cut them some slack?

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 06/05/2012 00:33

OP, can you think at all about some of the suggestions people have made about what might be hard/ affecting them? I know it's not easy but the past (what Dad was like, breakdown of marriage) can be changed- only thing that can change is what is here and now and what you have some control over i.e. their schooling situation, your feelings towards them, how you approach parenting them etc..

I'm not saying this things necessarily need to change I'm saying this are the sorts of things you, as their Mum, can look at.

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