To be so furious with my DDs that I can barely speak to them

[piellabakewell]

They are 12 and 14. Eldest is at boarding school and only home one night a fortnight. Youngest likes being an only child while her sister is away and tends to be attention seeking when both are at home. They spent less than three hours together before I saw Dd1 push Dd2 hard and she fell against the sideboard. DD1 reported that she had asked DD2 to move aside and she had refused.

DD1 fractured her elbow 6 weeks ago and it has not yet healed. DD2 stubbed her toe really hard yesterday and now her big toenail is coming off and bleeds frequently. DD2 did not trust DD1 to look at her toe without hurting it. Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

I was horrified and furious. I sent them to their rooms and told them I was disgusted, disappointed and ashamed. I barely spoke to them after that, although I did tell DD1 that she was being insulting and it had to stop (over the last few days she has made numerous 'jokey' comments about me).

Now what? How can I turn my gorgeous, intelligent caring daughters into the people they are with others but lose sight of when they are together? They have apologised to me but this has got to stop.

"Their parents marriage was deteriorating"- op I hope you don't mind me saying but I have a sense that you might be a bit detached from your feelings about what you have gone through.
It is your responsibility to nurture them, siblings don't nurture siblings, they might love and care or one another but "nurture" ? - think its an odd term to use.
You don't need to answer this but I wonder if you had a good experience of being nurtured as a child? Did you have secure attachments? Might be one place to start in looking at what might be going on, other than of course empathetic ally listening to your children.

Wottinger I don't agree, but won't shoot you down. She chose to board during the week, term-time only, 20 miles away. That isn't the same as choosing to live somewhere else. I do think that ten is old enough to take the decision to give boarding a try. If she went and hated it she could come home it's not a permenant choice. There are loads of kids that board from yr7 (age 11) onwards and I would think the ones that enjoy it and thrive are the ones who chose to go themselves.

She chose to board when there was a very unhappy situation at home. Surely that's significant.

But holy, op has said that she "will" be staying at boarding school- there doesn't sound like much room for reversing the choice.

Perhaps your perception is part of this. You have no bickering and fighting with them during the week, as one is boarding at school. Then on the weekend, it seems like all out war because you're used to peace and they're simply trying to re-establish the pecking order again between themselves.

holy I think the point Nyac's just made has to be worth some consideration, it's not choosing to board in a vacuum is it?

It probably is Nyac, but I don't think that means that she shouldn't have been allowed to go.

I am one of 5 kids, two years between each of us (or thereabouts) when i was 15 i picked up my younger sister (the baby of the family) and rammed her against the wall where there were coathooks, i thought i had put one through the back of her neck, i thought i had killed her.....i didnt, just bruised her, i then fought her till my mum broke the fight up....i hated her till i moved out despite my mum trying to make us play nice, she is now the person i am closest to in all the world, growing up, having kids, just being there for each other, it sounds like just normal kids stuff to me, no matter who goes to what school.

I agree that bickering is normal, I did that myself and so did my girls. It is the aggression that shocked me. They did not learn that from their parents behaviour towards each other or their children.

I didn't say don't mention the boarding school, but since it is not going to change until next summer I need to deal with it. I appreciate that many people find the idea of their child spending that much time away from home abhorrent but it was the right decision for us. The downside is the sibling rivalry at home. I try to counter that by spending one to one time with my elder daughter. I tell her I am looking forward to her being at home full time. I talk to the younger one about being more accommodating of her sister being home and try to help her imagine how it feels to be here for a short time and that she deserves my attention at those times, whether we do things together or just hang out at home.

know maybe that's becuase she wants to stay? I haven't seen the OP say she wants to leave the school? I think you may be reading too much into the use of the word 'will'.

I really disagree holy- this is a child of 10/11, with deteriorating parents marriage as OP has said. A child that age doesn't have the maturity. It's not about whether boarding is right/wrong, it's about being too young to make a significant decision against a challenging and painful emotional backdrop.

Nyac, as I have already said, the marriage ended more than a year after she started at boarding school and the application was made more than two years before it ended. It was always on the understanding that she would come back home if she didn't like boarding.

Wottinger I don't think any decisons are made in a vacuum are they? There will always be reasons for the choices we make. If the OP had said she went to boarding school because they flipped a coin would you be happier?

Agee with Nyac. If I were in her situation, I might choose to get away too.

Board v. Live. Isn't all the same? Daughter is eating and sleeping somewhere else for more weeks out of the year than at home.

She is halfway through modular gcses, there's no way she could move schools now, nor does she want to. She is extremely clever and hard working and takes her academic achievement very seriously. It would stress her out enormously if I suggested she should do year 11 somewhere else.

Holy you're being flippant. Parents marriage deteriorating- primary school aged child makes decision to live away from home. Surely surely it's worth a bit of consideration?

Wottinger we'll just have to agree to disagree. You are free to ignore the wishes of your 10/11 year old on account of them being immature and I'm free to allow them to have a go at making their own choices.

consideration as in consideration as an idea- not as in you didn't consider things OP

squeakytoy, I agree completely agree with your last post. When we were teenagers, I could one minute hate my sisters, and the next minute, if anyone tried to hurt them, feel like defending them at any cost. When my older sister's ex cheated on her and broke her heart, I moved in with her for a month, cooked for her, did the shopping, took out the rubbish etc. We bickered non-stop for that month, but I still took care of her. I have an almost primal urge to defend my sisters. Especially my little sister, she is my wee girl (even though she is just three years younger than me). When I was killing myself with anorexia five years ago, my little sister (still in her late teens, the wee pet) fed me, hugged me, and bought me a load of lovely 10 size clothes to encourage me to put on enough weight to get into them. I raged at her, regularly told her to piss off, we rowed, and she looked after me. That is what sisters (any siblings I'm sure) do.

Sorry, rambling now, oops, too much wine. I agree with squeaky though, OP. Because your girls are not often home together, perhaps you have little experience of what a relationship between teenage sisters is actually like (that sounds a bit patronising, which I really do not mean it to be).

Wottinger do you really believe the OP packed her off to boarding school without any consideration? Don't be ridiculous.

ooh sorry crossed post

holy massive difference- I said doesn't have the maturity- not immature- and FWIW nothing wrong with not having the maturity for some decisions at 10/11.

..and this is not me getting snarky, are your kids at boarding school/ did you go, for you and me seem to be getting in to an out of proportion row on this subject?

I might of course be reading too much into t he situation but t he words used do come across as very autocratic "She does and will continue to do so"

Oh God, so many other more recent posts - sorry, spend too long proofreading my posts. Ignore me!

Wottinger I didn't go to boarding school and my kids are not at boarding school. I just think the OP has had a hard time about the fact that one of her children is boarding and one isn't. If they were both boarding would you feel differently? It really annoys me when children are crowbarred into something because it's what a sibling is doing or what a parents enjoys/wants rather than what they want. I think 10/11 is old enough to have a very big say in decisions about their own life, not the final say, but certainly a big input.

I don't consider this a row btw, like I said earlier; agree to disagree. I will let my 10/11 year old make these choices, you don't need to, unless you're my DH there is really no problem!