To be so furious with my DDs that I can barely speak to them

[piellabakewell]

They are 12 and 14. Eldest is at boarding school and only home one night a fortnight. Youngest likes being an only child while her sister is away and tends to be attention seeking when both are at home. They spent less than three hours together before I saw Dd1 push Dd2 hard and she fell against the sideboard. DD1 reported that she had asked DD2 to move aside and she had refused.

DD1 fractured her elbow 6 weeks ago and it has not yet healed. DD2 stubbed her toe really hard yesterday and now her big toenail is coming off and bleeds frequently. DD2 did not trust DD1 to look at her toe without hurting it. Just when they should be nurturing each other, they are worse than ever.

I was horrified and furious. I sent them to their rooms and told them I was disgusted, disappointed and ashamed. I barely spoke to them after that, although I did tell DD1 that she was being insulting and it had to stop (over the last few days she has made numerous 'jokey' comments about me).

Now what? How can I turn my gorgeous, intelligent caring daughters into the people they are with others but lose sight of when they are together? They have apologised to me but this has got to stop.

Oh OP, just to say - I don't mean to sound like I am assigning blame. Just - don't under-estimate the effect your marriage would have had on your children, if it was like you've described it.

My mum would get very upset, very defensive, well into my twenties, when we discussed my childhood, their marriage, the impact etc. But it is not blaming to say I knew from a young age they did not love each other. It is not blaming to say I wish they had done something sooner. I completely understand their reasoning, their thought process, for staying together. They believed they were doing the right thing. I just wish, from my child's perspective, they had split up sooner as I believe we would all have been better off in the long run.

My parents' emotionless marriage had a huge impact upon me, despite their attempts to shield me from it. A lack of something can have the same negative impact as witnessing too much fighting, vitriol etc.

My eldest is 15 now and I have to say when she comes home this sort of "settling" back into the dynamics have stopped - the last few times she's been home it's been bliss - she's pleased to see her siblings and doesn't cause divisions between the younger ones anymore, mainly she has matured.

It used to be the same if she spent a week away with her Dad when she came back the dynamics all changed and went upside down and it was hideous for a few days.

It's almost if she doesn't have the need to impose herself as top dog anymore and just gets on with enjoying spending time with us all.

'Didn't any of you want to board when you were younger, after reading books like MAllory Towers!?'

I read Mallory Towers.
The reality was very different.

I dont have any issues with boarding school.

But two things strike me:

1. You are really just parenting one child on a day to day basis, and have very little experience of raising two children, so you are naturally shocked at their squabbles. I think your daughters are possibly behaving in a way quite normal for teenage girls.

1. They are not really that used to each-other, and dont know eachother very well not as sisters anyway.

The third thing that strikes me is that you have chosen to drop your youngest daughter off to school on a Monday morning, rather than your older daughter. This way your older daughter gets one day less with the family on the weekend.
Any chance she could be resentful of this?
Is there a possibility for the 12 year old to find her own way to school? It is only a mile! Bus? Cycle? Lift with a schoolmate?

What does your ex do on the weekends they stay at his?

can i just comment on the boarding school issue?
can i just say that i boarded from age 12. i pretty much sent myself away!
2 of my brothers then followed suit.
mum was a a single parent and the local comprehensive wouldnt have suited any of us.
things at home were tricky although we had a very loving, nurturing mother.

its odd to read some of the critical posts re sending a child away. as i parent, i could never in a million years let my dds board, so i can understand some of the reactions. yet on the flip side, my own mother absolutely did the right thing in letting us board.

SO.. how can something seem so 'wrong' to me as a parent, but 'right' for me a child? the answer is, i suppose that sometimes boarding school is the option that provides the right kind of escape. maybe it was right for the OP's daughter too.

I think you need to find a way to spend more time with your DD1. If she is only 20 miles aware, would it not be possible to spend an evening or two with her during the week? It sounds like you only see her once a fortnight (if I have understood correctly?) and I'm afraid phonecalls and texts cannot take the place of a hug and real contact, especially at that age. It must be quite difficult for her (and you?). There are always ways round these things, even if they may be a little tricky.

As for the sibling rivalry, it's normal of course as you know yourself but it is probably being exacerbated by the fact they don't see each other that often. Hope you manage to sort something out.

How much of your time does DD1 get to herself?

Does she still want to board ?

Can you not pick her up Friday after school

My DD's are 14 and 15, a couple of years ago they were dreadful with each other. Their finest moment was kicking each other at half six on a school morning during a row over a pair of tights.

Touch wood, they get on much better now and even do stuff together, like going to the cinema.

It sounds like normal sisterly hormonal behaviour to me and I don't think the boarding issue has anything to do with it!

I was sent to boarding school as a kid while the rest of my siblings were at home playing happy families. I don't get on with my borther and sisters for many reasons but this is certainly one of them. We all know it's impossible to treat kids exactly the same way, but I think it's important to at least try.

Some people will jump on any excuse to knock boarding schools.

Has anyone knocked boarding schools??

Boarding schools can do a fantastic job of stabilising, educating, nurturing and raising the life-chances of a number of children. They can also get things very wrong.
This isn't about the BS though, it is about a child who is swapping between three different parenting-set ups fighting with her younger sister who isn't. A younger sister who gets the lion's share of her mother's time and attention.
Fighting with your sister is so normal as to be mundane, but the emotional wellbeing of the older sister has a bearing on how the relationships she is making will develop and how deep they will be.

Without the issue of boarding school and family breakdown, can I just add that 13-15 girls are the most difficult to parent. All those hormones, and op, you've got 2.
I don't envy you at all.
I do think that YABU to expect them to be anything apart from what they are given their backgrounds.
Fighting is perfectly normal at this age. I remember fighting with my brother at the same sort of age. He is 2 years younger than me- he once stabbed me in the arm with a fork and i once accidently broke a glass he was holding. I tried to grab it, as he was drinking the last of the milk, he tried to drink it. Result one smashed glass and one cut lip.

thread analysis:

a few people have been knocking boarding schools from their own experience

most have said don't worry about the aggression its normal and boarding school is not necessarily or probably correlated to the sideboard outburst

I have two children, 17 and 21. It takes a lot of input to work on problems, issues and needs, and one of the key starting points is that 'It's not fair' should not be able to be used as an accurate criticism of my parenting.
If it is, then I need to look at why that's the perception, if it's true and what we can do to make the situation fair.

When I went to look at a school with day & boarding pupils we were advised that many of the day pupils (which DS would be) asked to start boarding as they felt they missed out on lots of the evening activities and stuff that the boarders did.

I would not want DS to board however if that was what he really really wanted then I would consider it for him.

If a child really really does not want to board then I would not make them.

I think the OP has tried to do the right thing for both her children.

My sister and I fought like cat and dog when growing up. A couple of years ago if I had got hold of her (she barricaded herself in a room) I would have probably beaten her to a pulp I was so angry with her. I would have been 40 then! As an adult I cannot stand her and am polite if we are at our mums house at the same time. If OP had both children there day in day out then there is nothing to say that they would not be like this every day.

I think OP has over reacted about a small argument between her DD there were no fists/split lips etc unlike me and my sister. Probably because they are not together and niggling at each other all the time.

I would suggest leaving them to it a lot more to sort themselves out. However do knock on the head any disrespect to you!

As an aside, There is 13 years between me and my sister. I was 7 years old when she moved out of the family home to go to Uni. She came back when I was 16, and she was 29. She lived in the "granny flat" for a few years. Apparently, I was horrid. I thought she was horrid. She was literally a stranger I had not grown up with, as I had literally been a single child, as she only came to visit for Christmas. She had work placements in the summers, and studied throughout Easter. It took years for us to get to know each other.

There have been a number of posts suggesting that physical aggression between teenage female siblings can be standard and is not unusual.

Really? Truly?

I'm a mother to two girls 9 and 12. is this something I can really expect?

My sister and I asolutely loathed each other growing up but we would never have dreamt of anything physical

gymmummy64 - not even the occasional shove, or snatching an item? No grips that turned into a sneaky pinch? How did the loathing manifest? Sorry to be nosy, but the way family dynamics are so variable is something I find fascinating. Thanks.

Piprabbit - um no, really not that I can remember. It just wouldn't have crossed my mind physically to hurt her.

It was far more mind games. She is younger and I still remember my impotent fury at her getting away with things because she was 'little'. She still remembers feeling utterly frustrated because I was older and could do more stuff. We both used to set things up with my parents to get the other one in trouble. A lot. We could both see what we were doing, my parents never could. It got quite nasty - I wasn't exaggerating when I said we loathed each other.

Mind games of course can be a lot more harmful than the odd pinch - I'm not judging here!

We're now in our 40s and have been best friends since our 20s. She has no kids and is the best auntie ever to my 2.

At that age my sister and I hated each others guts, and barely spent any time in the same room even.
Then she married and I lived with her, and got on like a house on fire.
Now we live on different continents and do OK when we see each other.
You can't make them nurture each other, they will have the relationship they are supposed to have, all you can do is insist they are respectful and don't harm each other/use foul language/ or get you in the mix. Sometimes just getting mom to join the fight is what keeps it going. Mine got wise and would leave the room and tell us to let her know if anyone draws blood. It took all the fun out of it.