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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that parents of twins do not have it harder

299 replies

PizzaSlut · 04/05/2012 23:21

I have 3 DC including 2 less than 2 years apart.

Twice in the last 2 days I have had parents of twins moaning about how hard it is to parent them and the financial cost. ones set are same as dd1 and the other are same as ds1.

Surely I have the same costs albeit not in the same financial year and surely dd2 and ds1 have similar needs at 7 and 5 as twins 2.

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 05/05/2012 00:37

What if the pg is ivf and two eggs are implated in the hope one grows but there is a chance both will.

When both take and you have twins then surly that was a choice not an accident? You chose to have two babies?

awhistlingwoman · 05/05/2012 00:37

Like loopy one of DTs died. She was three days old.

Firstly, loopy I am so very sorry.

Please could we stop throwing the term selective reduction around.

My little daughter who did not survive has twin pregnancy listed as a cause of death of her death certificate. It's not an easy feat and there are multiple health risks associated with carrying multiples. I thought my babies would be fine as I was in my 20s and in good health (not that either of those elements are any guarantee I bitterly, bitterly come to realise now) but one died and my other daughter has lasting complications as the result of being a twin.

I've seen my dear SIL, one of my dear friends and my next door neighbours parent twins close up. It really is not easy.

It's not a competition. Pizzaslut I'm sure that it is very, very hard work and you are doing an amazing job. But please do bear in mind some of us would like to be in your shoes. I have 2 DC but I would dearly, dearly love 3DC.

Bagofholly · 05/05/2012 00:38

Most IVF involves returning 2 embryos yet the multiple birth rate for IVF is only about 20%.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 05/05/2012 00:40

I think everyone's experience of parenting is different, some find it more difficult, some less. Not to mention, all babies are different, some are easy, sleep well etc, some are much harder work. I don't doubt that children very close in age is very difficult, I am also sure that having twins is extremely hard work.

It is not a competition though OP, and you really seem to have a chip on your shoulder over this. You also seem determined to anger and offend parents of twins (eg the implication that they 'loaf about' doing nothing) for some bizarre reason. Life is so not a contest!

MuckingFuddle · 05/05/2012 00:41

So Sorry loopy and awhistlingwoman Sad

thekidsrule · 05/05/2012 00:41

i had mine through IVF first course 2 eggs both took

honestly didnt expect both to implant and first time

what do you expect me to say,its a risk you take no clinic is gonna put one back in if they have 2 or three that are good,as usually you have more chance of failure than sucess,

and each treatment costing thousand what do you think most would choose

Shelly32 · 05/05/2012 00:41

awhistlingwoman and loopy words can't make it better. You are courageous women X

awhistlingwoman · 05/05/2012 00:42

Can't quite believe I'm stooping to this but my twins were a fluke, my first pregnancy and a natural conception. But I suppose I somehow willed them into being?

Most IVF clinics do advise on the risks of multiple births (went there as struggled with DC3) but accusing people of choosing to have twins via IVF? Really? [hmmm]

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 05/05/2012 00:42

Also, Op, you are becoming somewhat offensive. Lets just relax and not turn this into a bunfight, eh?

awhistlingwoman · 05/05/2012 00:43

Argh Hmm can't even look sceptical correctly this evening!

Sinkingfeeling · 05/05/2012 00:44

And of course, even if only one embryo is implanted in IVF, it's still possible that it could split and identical twins could result.

Bagofholly · 05/05/2012 00:45

awhistlingwoman and loopy, and everyone else who has lost a child, I'm so sorry for your loss.

At my twins club there are LOADS of us for whom the path to parenthood was very difficult - IVF, multiple losses, years of the pain of infertility etc, and we go through ALL that and then have to face a high-risk pregnancy, a medicalised birth and full on exhaustion. I adore my twins, but it was really very hard just getting them never mind looking after them. I was on injections every day of my pregnancy and for 6 weeks afterwards, was delivered early because they were so big, and had a huge PPH which knocked me flat for months. Id have swapped all that for sickness!

If you want to get into competitive parenting, don't bother with twin mums. We already won.

awhistlingwoman · 05/05/2012 00:45

Very true sinking 'tis just one of those things, IVF or not? I don't think anyone every truly gets to decide whether they will conceive and carry twins.

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 05/05/2012 00:47

I never wanted this to turn into a bunfight.

But at the end of day this has turned into one. Posters have been offensive to me including suggesting I should've terminated DC3's pregnancy but the suggestion that the same option to multiple mums is offensive. Surely they are all our children?

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 05/05/2012 00:49

Then my sister is exstrimly lucky. I have two fab dns and they have just turned one. My sister is 48 yo this year and has ME. She is still.bf both of her sons. They had doner egg ivf.

She is not looking forward to them walking but they already crawl in oppersit directions. She has baby proofed one room and just leaves them on the floor to vrawl about.

She also does competative moaning and she always wins.

Twins is twice the work of one child. It is twice as hard.

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 05/05/2012 00:51

I'm not a competitive parent, I have child that almost died at birth and has learnig difficulties. Does that win?

OP posts:
Sluttybuttons · 05/05/2012 00:52

Pizzaslut I have twins and im a lone parent. Its bloody hard work. If i didnt have my 7 year old id probably have gone mad. My twins are now 21 months and it is harder than 2 close together. I used to nanny and looked after 5 children and it was easier, then i looked after 3 where the ages were a few months, 1 and a half and 3, guess what? that was easier too. My twins love to tag team when they are teething. 1 will keep me awake till about 4 then about 15 mins later (its almost like the other thinks oh its quiet so its my turn now) the other wakes up screaming. This happened for about 4 days running till my friend realised i was a zombie and took the 3 children out for the day to let me sleep. Then theres the fact that nurseries and childminders have very limited baby spaces so there was no way i could go back to work since there was no nursery or childminder who had space for them both. When we go to the park i need somebody with me because i cant go in 2 different directions (although their recall is improving).

If you were at the park with a newborn and an 18 month old then the newborn would be in the pram/sling and you are able to deal with your toddler. If you were at the park with an 18 month old and a 3 year old then the 3 year old is old enough to follow simple instructions. I am dreading potty training at the same time.

But the thing that is worse in my opinion is my twins will never have any time where it is just me and them. With yours there will be a point (i dont know the ages) where 1 is at nursery so you will get to spend time with just the little 1. That will never happen for them. They will always have to share me.

Shelly32 · 05/05/2012 00:52

Pizzaslut you (bizarrely) brought up the concept of abortion. Read back... No one suggested you do anything.

Krumbum · 05/05/2012 00:52

2 babies waking each other up, double the amount of soothing, feeding, changing, entertaining and expenses at the same time, no staggering which helps with the financial burden. Yabu.

awhistlingwoman · 05/05/2012 00:53

Oh pizzaslut I understand that anyone suggesting that you should, or could, or might have terminated DC3 is absolutely horrible.

It can't imagine how difficult it is. I truly can't. I only have two living children. I would like three.

But I also don't especially love to hear parents of twins moaning about hard they have it as I might have raised twins, in another world where my daughter lived. I hear you on that score.

But it isn't a competition. We can all only try our best with the resources we have. Please just go and give your three a little kiss on the head and go to sleep. You are doing a great job, rest easy in that knowledge. Don't let other people saying they have it so much 'worse' get to you. (((hugs))) with total disregard for mumsnet etiquette!

NicNocJnr · 05/05/2012 00:54

PizzaSlut you definitively do not win.
Biscuit

Also wtf is your problem? Let us all know when you get the medal you feel you deserve.

Bagofholly · 05/05/2012 00:54

No one suggested anything of the sort OP. quote where they did!
You're being ridiculous.

Shelly32 · 05/05/2012 00:54

I'm not competetive........'Does that win?'
I'm off !! Weird..

Krumbum · 05/05/2012 00:55

You have a choice to have two kids close together. You don't have a choice to have twins.

Bagofholly · 05/05/2012 00:55

"Oh pizzaslut I understand that anyone suggesting that you should, or could, or might have terminated DC3 is absolutely horrible."

Well quite. But they didn't. Pizzaslut suggested this herself.