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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that this woman spoke to me about this in the playground?

276 replies

DollysDrawers · 04/05/2012 17:50

Honest replies please, I'm pissed off but unsure if I'm being over sensitive.

DD is in Y2 and is struggling with her reading. DH and I have spoken with the teacher and she is currently awaiting assessment for dyslexia. DD's teacher and I are working together to help her and she has been really helpful all along.

Anyway, there are parent helpers who go in weekly to read with the children and this woman (I barely know her), who read with DD today, proceeded to come up to me in the playground this afternoon at pick up to tell me, in a VERY loud voice that 'your DD had significant trouble with her reading today, I really think there is a problem. I have not been told she has any special needs, is there anything you need to tell me?'. I was flabbergasted and I am abso fucking lutely furious that she would even discuss this with me, never mind in the playground in full hearing of every other parent and pupil in the school, including DD who was standing beside me. (and I told her this) DD is worried enough about this herself.

She is not a teacher and DD's teacher would not dream of discussing this with me in front of other parents/children.

Do I need to calm down or do I need to kick her in the fucking shins the next time I see her?

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 05/05/2012 03:54

What a self-important twat. Is there anything you need to tell her? She's a parent helping with reading for goodness sake, not a professional. I'd be telling her that her behaviour is inappropriate and would certainly have words with the teacher about it. With any luck, she might find her 'services' are no longer required.

Original poster
DollysDrawers · 05/05/2012 04:14

I've never had any issue with any of the parent helpers before and for the most part they've been great and I can see see how useful they are so my issue is not whether schools should have then or not. I do want te stress that I am not a parent who never reads with their child, we read every day.

OP posts:
breathedeeply · 05/05/2012 04:59

YANBU. This is appalling, but it's not just about your DD. if this woman did it to you then she will be doing it about other children and to other parents. She may also be gobbing off at the local shop or kids club. You need to challenge this for the sake of all the vulnerable parents and children who can't. Parents in primary schools are a mixed blessing tbh. Lots of primary schools employ them as dinner staff, cleaners and support assistants. Whilst support assistants ate generally better paid and trained, dinner staff are not. Real issues with them gossiping and behaving unprofessionally at my DD's school, but equally they struggle to recruit anyone who would work for just 2 hrs per day (term time only 11.30-1.30) for minimum wage.

feetheart · 05/05/2012 05:48

Haven't read much of the thread but as a parent helper at DC's school I would be appalled if this either happened to me or I overheard it happen to someone else. I would definitely talk to your DD's teacher in the first instance and see if you are happy with her response.
I haven't had any 'training' or had to read/sign anything but from what I have read here I think it would be a good idea and will be raising it with school - in a previous life I worked in an environment where confidentiality was essential so I'm a BIG advocate of making people think before they speak! It also gives the school an 'out' if the parent helper doesn't comply.

HillyWallaby · 05/05/2012 05:58

Definitely tell the teacher and also write a formal letter of complaint to the head. The woman was completely and totally out of order. Good grief. Unbelievable.

HillyWallaby · 05/05/2012 06:00

What a self-important twat.

Yes! Exactly that! I was trying to think of a phrase to describe this woman, and that is it!

mathanxiety · 05/05/2012 06:03

YANBU and I hope you pushed her under a bus and you should speak to the teacher as a matter of urgency.

knowotumean · 05/05/2012 13:06

Actually I think r3dh3d is onto something with her theory (not that it is an acceptable defense for the unprofessionalism and insensitivity rather a plausible explanation.)

I'm working as a volunteer at the moment and just cottoned on to the fact that I was feeling really angry but hadn't quite worked out why...and then I started thinking a bit more about the organisational dynamics and realised that I was acting as an easy scapegoat for the clients and paid employees understandable frustrated feelings. This may sound like psycho-waffle but I'm quite sure this is what was happening. If I didn't have transferable training and a bit of insight and hadn't stopped to think I could've easily lashed out. Training and support and an effective communication system is important to prevent these damaging situations where frustration leaks out and boils over.

Saying all this the woman might just be a silly bint though :-)

DumSpiroSpero · 05/05/2012 13:11

Feet - I'm gobsmacked!

I work for a Surestart Centre with a maintained nursery and our volunteers (whatever area they work in) have to undergo a full induction programme. This includes being given a pack which includes the 10 most important policies in terms of confidentiality and safeguarding issues which they then have to sign a form to say they have read and understood and this is kept on file.

I would have thought it was a matter of course that schools did something similar but obviously not.

Jolyonsmummy · 05/05/2012 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/05/2012 13:17

Yep, sounds like she has ideas above her station to me.
She is there to listen to the children read.
If she notices any of the children struggling she feeds back to the teacher.

She doesnt take it upon herself to earhole parents in the playground.

Who the bloody hell does she think she is?

Pagwatch · 05/05/2012 13:37

Grin at power pissed.

Yes. Massively over inflated idea of her own importance

Acekicker · 05/05/2012 13:39

YANBU at all to be unhappy about this and the upset she's caused you and your daughter is horrible. Definitely do go in and talk to the class teacher, and if necessary the head about it.

The theory about her being frustrated due to lack of information is possibly understandable but she needs to know that the way to handle that (if that is what has brought this on) is a private discussion with the teacher not collaring a parent in earshot of their child!

My dad instigated a policy in his school that parent helpers were extremely welcome in the classrooms but they had to help out in a year group different from the one their child was in - apparently it was remarkable how some suddenly dropped out and coincidentally they were the ones who had been suspected of having less than altruistic motives about why they were helping although there hadn't been any firm 'evidence' to support it that teachers could have acted on.

HillyWallaby · 05/05/2012 13:59

If it is someone you do not mix with socially at all, and you are not worried about the fall-out, write a letter of complaint to the head, copy it to the teacher, and then print one out for Self Important Twat Woman and put it in a sealed envelope with her name on it. Hand the letter in to the office at pick up time and then immediately SITW at the school gate, smile sweetly and put the letter in her hand. Just say 'I've written to the teacher and the head about my child's reading and I thought I'd copy you in on it, as you seem to like to be fully involved in our business.' and then walk away.

HillyWallaby · 05/05/2012 14:04

Acekicker that was a very wise policy of your Dad's! I used to know someone who was a dinner lady and a volunteer helper. She really wanted a job as a TA but never got one, even though other mothers did. Although she was a nice well-intentioned woman she was one of those meddling, neurotic fusspots who always had a bee in her bonnet about something going on at school, and was an over-protective, obsessed mother of the most annoying sort. I suspect she just wanted to be never more than 20 feet away from her own child all day long. Luckily I think the teachers saw through her.

Mayisout · 05/05/2012 14:16

I don't agree with rd3hd at all.

If I helped with reading and was a busybody I might collar mother of a child I was concerned with in a private moment eg supermarket and voice my concerns quietly.

If Iwas a malicious cow and was 'helping' with reading I would collar parent in front of other parents and the child and the chld's classmates and infer in a loud voice that she must have SNs.

If Head is wishy washy about dealing with this write to Education Dept, copy to head and teacher. Doesn't have to be malicious just point out concerns. Head will NOT want any black marks at next inspection.

vincettenoir · 05/05/2012 14:23

What a horrible busy body

Floggingmolly · 05/05/2012 14:43

Mayisout. I wouldn't appreciate being "collared in the supermarket" anymore than in the playground (although it would be a little less public), and would complain at her intrusiveness just the same.

fuzzpig · 05/05/2012 14:59

Ugh she is so up herself. I will join the 'fucking furious' group please.

I volunteered in DD's school - helping yr1 with maths - for most of this year (had to give it up as I've gone FT :() and we didn't sign anything. But it's bloody obvious what you don't do (should be, anyway... Common sense and all)

I ended up with the same group each time - the 9 children who were struggling most with numeracy (I'm good at maths hence being picked for t was more about building confidence) and I had to report to the teacher but FFS I wouldn't go discussing it with anyone else. I also overheard a lot of other children because I was near to the area they have nurture groups etc, but it's not hard to not listen is it.

Having said that I did tell one of my group's grandmas - who I chat to a fair bit - how lovely her grandson is. I don't think that counts though :) at least I hope not...

fuzzpig · 05/05/2012 15:02

Sorry, missed a bit - "...picked for it, but it was more..."

Good thing I wasn't working on literacy Blush

willikillhim · 05/05/2012 16:24

I kind of agree with r3s theory, however she is stp put of line and has ideas above her station. My dd1 has dyslecia and the reading teachers that assist dyslecic children are not just doing extra reading like the mums that go in to help out. They ate specifically trained and hugely experienced IME. Her role is just to feed back any concerns to class teacher. What does or doesn't happen beyond that is non of her business, even if she is well intentioned

Art · 05/05/2012 18:30

Definitely a case of breaching confidentiality. You need to speak to the Head and she needs to be removed from hearing readers.
As a teacher, I have always had issues with parents hearing children read as for some reason lots of parents get very competitive about reading levels and for a parent to have the knowledge of which reading level everyone in the class is on often leads to problems.

GingerBlondecat · 08/05/2012 02:28

Is there an Update?

thatisall · 08/05/2012 02:34

op what did she say in response?????

I hope your dd is ok,

I too would be furious

BeeInMyBonnet · 08/05/2012 11:00

Lurking for update.