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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that this woman spoke to me about this in the playground?

276 replies

DollysDrawers · 04/05/2012 17:50

Honest replies please, I'm pissed off but unsure if I'm being over sensitive.

DD is in Y2 and is struggling with her reading. DH and I have spoken with the teacher and she is currently awaiting assessment for dyslexia. DD's teacher and I are working together to help her and she has been really helpful all along.

Anyway, there are parent helpers who go in weekly to read with the children and this woman (I barely know her), who read with DD today, proceeded to come up to me in the playground this afternoon at pick up to tell me, in a VERY loud voice that 'your DD had significant trouble with her reading today, I really think there is a problem. I have not been told she has any special needs, is there anything you need to tell me?'. I was flabbergasted and I am abso fucking lutely furious that she would even discuss this with me, never mind in the playground in full hearing of every other parent and pupil in the school, including DD who was standing beside me. (and I told her this) DD is worried enough about this herself.

She is not a teacher and DD's teacher would not dream of discussing this with me in front of other parents/children.

Do I need to calm down or do I need to kick her in the fucking shins the next time I see her?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 04/05/2012 22:35

yanbu at all. she behaved totally unprofessionally. It is not her place to tell you these things, you need to speak to the headteacher

fluffypillow · 04/05/2012 22:36

She was so out of order. I would be fuming too. The woman must have no common sense at all, or is just plain spiteful (maybe both?)

Take it to the Head.

hiddenhome · 04/05/2012 22:37

YANBU

The parent helper at ds1's school used the opportunity to gossip about him, spread lies and nosy/gossip about his medical problem. She had him blackballed from scouts, turned the other parents against us and ended up by physically assaulting him in the playground one morning after she saw ds1 and her son having horseplay and took it that ds1 was hurting her poor little darling Hmm

Thankfully, she's now unable to go into any more schools thanks to being marched off the premises after the assault on my son.

She was Alpha Mum too. Thought she totally owned the year group (including the spineless parents) Angry

NarkedPuffin · 04/05/2012 22:42

... and that's why parents shouldn't be allowed into classrooms.

FallenCaryatid · 04/05/2012 22:48

As I said, I have some fantastic and talented parents who help me on a weekly basis. They enrich the children's learning and are both considerate and capable of being discreet. I'd miss them if we had a ban.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 04/05/2012 22:49

If it was me - and unfortunately at some point it might be - I'd write a letter to teacher and do a copy for the head teacher, and state on each letter that each has a copy.

I would on Tuesday ask the teacher for a quiet serious word - talk to her and at end hand over letter.

If the complaint is in writing - it can't be ignored as easily. I would suggest you try and calmly put your points about how upset and wrong the situation was. At end of letter I would put your DD comments this evening to show the impact its had on her.

I would also say in letter you do not want this parent in your DC classroom at all.

Most of the parent helpers at my DC school are good and they are given some limited training and asked to sign confidentially agreements. Unfortunately a few still let things slip.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/05/2012 22:51

Yes, narkedpuffin - because ALL parent helpers are going to behave that badly. How ridiculous.

I managed to work in my childrens' school without assaulting anyone or breaching confidentiality - and I resent your implication.

NarkedPuffin · 04/05/2012 22:54

The vast majority of parents may be fine, but the damage done by one who gossips/is indiscreet is huge.

Chirpychick2010 · 04/05/2012 22:55

I'd be very very cross too! How unthoughtful nasty and idiotic of this woman to do that! Not to mention she has no capacity to talk to you about this and should have informed the teacher as to her thoughts! I'm thinking for her lack of insight and tact she won't be hearing anything other then your fired! If your dd school has any fortitude!

NarkedPuffin · 04/05/2012 22:56

And I would rather have teachers dealing with children in schools.

hiddenhome · 04/05/2012 22:57

ds1 has some SN and he was ostracised throughout his primary years because of this bitch woman Angry

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/05/2012 23:02

You'd rather children went without the benefits most parent helpers provide? In an ideal world the pupil-teacher ratio would be much lower than it is in most state primaries - but we don't and so I think that parent helpers are pretty useful.

NarkedPuffin · 04/05/2012 23:06

I'd rather have teachers listening to children reading. I don't believe accepting an cheaper alternative does any good in the long run - it just encourages governments to think that they can shove more and more children into classrooms whilst reducing paid staff numbers.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/05/2012 23:10

Parent helpers are invaluable in my dc's school - but yes, in an ideal world there would be enough teachers/TAs to do the various jobs the volunteers do. Like any position of responsibility, it can be abused. Doesn't, imo, mean that there should be no parent helpers though.

But this awful woman in the op needs to be dealt with - in the op's position I would be furious too. OP, definitely follow The devil's advice - hopefully this woman won't be allowed to set foot in a classroom again for being so indiscrete.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/05/2012 23:28

NarkedPuffin - what are schools supposed to do about the shortfall until the government provides enough teachers? The reality is that teachers do not have enough time in the school day to do it all - and if parent helpers weren't there hearing children read then too many children would get only the bare minimum of reading to an adult - is that really a better option?

bibbitybobbitybunny · 04/05/2012 23:30

Don't hold your breath for the Government to provide more teachers.

1 to 30 was the common and acceptable ratio when I was at primary school ... and that started 44 years ago.

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2012 23:31

If every parent...or even just most parents heard their kids read for 10 to 15 mins per day, there'd be a lot less need for parent helpers to hear them read in school.

Sad but true.

FallenCaryatid · 04/05/2012 23:32

What about complex craft activities, cooking, playing a new or challenging maths game, scribing for excellent scientists who can't write down their observations?
All either very difficult or impossible to do without an extra adult.
Not to mention all the admin jobs like filing and laminating and display bits.

knowotumean · 04/05/2012 23:33

Worra--that is the truth

runningforthebusinheels · 04/05/2012 23:34

Yes, my dc go to a very naice Kent village primary, and they struggle to do individual reading with a class of 30 children without parent helpers.

My mum used to be a special needs teacher, visiting schools and working with statemented children - some of the schools she visited didn't even send reading books home, because they wouldn't get them back again. Shocking. Shock

r3dh3d · 04/05/2012 23:37

Hmm.

I don't buy either of these scenarios. Not the "oh poor lady, she was just having a quiet word because she wanted to help". Or the "Clearly she's a vile interfering busybody who only said this to increase her self-importance".

What it sounds like to me, is that there's "history" here. I think TactlessWoman has been doing helping out with reading for a bit and she's been put with kids who have all sorts of difficulties, and not been given much support and guidance as to how to help them. She wants more input from the SENCO than she is getting. Or training. Or something. And it's winding her up. So today she hears your DD read, and she's trying to help her and failing with the vanilla strategies she's been given and she wants to be able to confront the teacher and the SENCO and tell them that there is yet another kid in the class with SN that she's not been told about and not been equipped to help. Possibly the reason she's so arsey about it is that (being TactlessWoman) she was initially a bit short with your DD before she realised she was genuinely struggling and now she's worried she upset her and, looking for someone else to blame, is blaming whoever-it-is that ought to tell her when there's a potential problem.

So, I reckon "is there anything you need to tell me?" actually meant "please give me some ammo so I can give the fecker who didn't prep me to do your DD's reading right today a right kicking."

None of this detracts from the fact that there should be a policy that helpers sign a confidentiality agreement, and that either this policy is duff or TactlessWoman ignored it. And nobody should have their business broadcast all over the playground. But there's a separate, additional (and in the long term more important to your DD) issue of whether anyone should be hearing your DD read at the moment without being aware at some level that there is "something" afoot (though they don't need to know what until/if there is diagnosis) and that they need to handle her gently while it is sorted out.

I'd be raising that as well as the confidentiality thing.

startail · 04/05/2012 23:38

YANBU,
I used to go in and hear readers and much as I would have liked to suggest a certain lovely lad read rather than chattered. I certainly wouldn't have told his Mum.

My DD is dyslexic and finally learnt to read age 11. She'd probably have agreed with the tactless cow, but she's a bit of a character.

Fortunately the volunteer who use to tell me DD2 was a dream to listen to never did it in her hearing, she would beBlush.

DumSpiroSpero · 05/05/2012 00:54

She isn't a teacher and therefore hasn't been trained in the complexities and handling what is a sensitive issue

If she is volunteering at the school on a regular basis she should have had training that includes being made fully aware of their inclusion and confidentiality policies which would clearly state that this is unacceptable.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to raise this with the Head because at the very least there is obviously a major flaw in the recruitment and training of volunteers that needs sorting out pronto.

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2012 01:53

You need to report her to the teacher! Apart from anything else, anything that goes on in the classroom is private & should stay in the school, talking to you like this in the playground, where anyone could overhear is not fair on your dd & I would be worried that she is gossiping about stuff like this too.

I used to listen to children read in my daughter's class. We were told that all we were there to do was listen, not judge, not criticise, just listen so that all the children get to read to someone.

I would be beyond livid OP!

sunnydelight · 05/05/2012 03:08

I would make a formal complaint. It's a breach of confidentiality - the fact that she is a volunteer does not make this optional. I would also explicitly say that you do not want her working with your child ever again if the school won't ban her from the classroom outright. It would be a ban at our school.

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