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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL called me an Evil Bitch. AIBU to have had enough.

127 replies

Voidka · 04/05/2012 11:55

I have posted before about MIL - she is overbearing and has had a dislike for me since DH and I met 12 years ago.

She likes to come over whenever she wants to, and thats okay but we are not always here. The latest argument came over Easter when she rang to see when we were going to be in, I told her and apparently that was me giving her an appointment slot.

She has since gone back to turning up whenever she feels like it.

She arrived last Thursday at 9.30am, all the children were at school/playgroup so she stayed 2 minutes and then left.

This morning I had to meet with the HT and the SENCo as we are about to apply for a statement for DS2. While I was there I put my phone on silent. I went into the meeting at 9am and got out at 10.20.

When I checked my phone I had 15 missed calls from MIL and 3 arsey texts. I rang her back to find she is sat outside my house and has been since 8.55. I told her I wasnt planning on coming home as I need to nip to the bank and to get some thread to sew on DS's scout badges.She told me that DH and told her that I had asked to change DD's preschool days which I was only doing to get back at her, and that DD and I should be here this morning so she can visit and see DD, then she hung up on me.

I then got a text which says 'why are you being such an evil bitch and stopping me see my granchildren, its not fair on me and I am going to speak to X (my DH) about your behaviour.'

I have had enough. I dont stop her seeing her grandchildren, but I have a life, and three children who need to be places and do things. I know DH will defend her because she is lonely and every time this happens I feel like our relationship dies a little more. In the past I have been accused of putting DD in clubs or classes just so we wont be at home - which isnt true, we just like going out to places.

AIBU? I am so cross I feel like telling her to arrange to see the children through DH and that I wont be available to meet in the week any more.

OP posts:
BonnieBumble · 04/05/2012 11:57

I think I remember your previous thread.

Your dh needs to handle the issue. She should not be allowed near any of the family until she apologies and then it must be on your terms only. Your dh is her son so he must sort the matter out.

manicbmc · 04/05/2012 11:58

I'd do that. Tell your dh to sort out visits with his mother and tell him you will not be opening the door to her and her shitty attitude any more.

You were in a meeting to do with your child that was very important and she expects you to drop everything because the stupid cow can't call and see when you're available?

DuelingFanjo · 04/05/2012 11:58

erm, show the texts to your husband.

HecateTrivia · 04/05/2012 11:58

I would do that. She has no right to speak to you like that. Your life doesn't revolve around her.

Your husband won't tell her to treat his wife with respect? That's an even bigger problem than your mil calling you an evil bitch, imo.

In your shoes, I would be saying to him fine, you think that it's ok for her to treat me like this - I don't and I won't take it. YOU make the children available for her and YOU be the one to be there. I'm done.

LingDiLong · 04/05/2012 12:00

YANBU, do exactly that - leave DH and her to it. I don't think you can possibly win with this one because you are so far from being unreasonable already. What more can you possibly do? I'm not surprised you feel your relationship with your DH dies a little when he defends her. Hecate is right - his attitude to all this is the biggest problem of all.

iseenodust · 04/05/2012 12:00

She clearly has problems. why keep ringing when there is no answer - you just assume the other person is busy. Yep channel through husband and be present when she sees your kids as you don't want her warping their minds.

SarkyWench · 04/05/2012 12:00

you need to show your DH the actual messages.. You need your DH to realis how utterly unreasonable (and horrible) she is being.

manicbmc · 04/05/2012 12:01

If she is lonely why doesn't she do some volunteer work or something? She sounds very selfish.

FetchezLaVache · 04/05/2012 12:03

Definitely show your DH the messages and tell him to sort her out. Her wanting to come round because she's lonely is one thing, calling you an evil bitch because you won't drop everything to dance to her tune is quite another!

angeltattoo · 04/05/2012 12:06

What everyone else said.

Refuse to have anything more to do with her, you do not need to be spoken to by anybody like that.

Her calling you that is unbelievable, and has nothing to do with her being lonely! Your DH needs to have serious words, she tows (toes?) the line, treats the mother of her grandchildren with respect or she never sees them, or him, again.

She should arrange to meet you like a normal person, not turn up and expect you to be in, then ring you repeatedly and then abuse you! She clearly expects your world to revolve aroud her.

You have been far too resonable, tell hubby to sort it out and make him see what a big, huge, massive deal this is!

Original poster
Voidka · 04/05/2012 12:06

I will show him the messages but I know it wont change him opinion of her.

This all started when we had DD. She has 2 boys and dreamed of a girl. When I had DD she went from dislike to absolute hate of me. She treats DD like a plaything and whenever she wants to play we should be around. We never really saw that much of her before DD.

She is really cross about me changing DD's days at preschool so she does every morning. I did this because she starts school next year and I wanted her to be used to 5 mornings, but MIL and even DH think I did it to spite her.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 04/05/2012 12:08

I think it would be easy to say that you won't see her and that you won't let the Dcs see her.

She sounds like a frightened embittered lady to me.

Why can she not see the children on certain days or over the weekend by prearrangement and then she will have presumably no need to hang around your door waiting for you to turn up.

I pity her really.

EldritchCleavage · 04/05/2012 12:09

Wow, she may want to see her grandchildren, but more than that she really really wants you at her beck and call, doesn't she? Why doesn't she just get you an ankle tag and have done with it?

Maybe tell DH you will stay in for MIL, but from now on he can do all SENCO appts (did she know that's where you were?), all food shopping and other household errands, and every other thing you can't do because you're staying in for MIL. Oh, and no more Scouts, DS has to be there in case MIL wants to see him. Ditto social lives. For everybody.

More seriously I agree that your DH has to deal with this, and facilitate her visiting (though not by committing to things without consulting you) because MIL is unwilling to treat you with respect.

HecateTrivia · 04/05/2012 12:09

If his mother calling his wife an evil bitch won't change his opinion of her then it should damn well change your opinion of him!

iloveACK · 04/05/2012 12:11

I would do just what you have said also - show your husband the texts & tell him to deal with her seeing the children.

crazygracieuk · 04/05/2012 12:11

Yanbu to be annoyed.

I am a SAHM and don't tell my h what my schedule is. I'd be really annoyed if he made appointments on my behalf. Even he will check with me before organising things.

If your h won't tell his mum that she is out of order I'd insist that he organise contact between his mother and children and always be there for those appointments so you don't have to. If he won't then he needs to organise a day and time and you need to schedule that slot as grandma time and stick to it.

Even though it's not your fault that you are busy and she is lonely, it sounds like you can't win. It's your h's turn to deal with her- you shouldn't have to deal with a fourth child who calls you a bitch when she doesn't get her own way.

ILikeTrains · 04/05/2012 12:12

Wow, she sounds really horrible, I know it's drastic but if it was me I'd move! Far away, possibly even another country!

Husband definitely needs to sort her out!

fuzzpig · 04/05/2012 12:12

Quite, Hecate. If your DH doesn't stand up for you then he's a pathetic weed. IMHO.

OTTMummA · 04/05/2012 12:13

Tell them both to fuck the fuck off to fuck and beyond.

I don't think i could live with a man who let anyone treat and talk to me like that.
You need to let your dh know that you will no longer be welcoming to her, if she wants to see her gd then she has to arrange it with your 'd'h.
But that means no changing schedules for your dd, that wouldn't be fair for her.

I would also love to tell her to get a fucking life, your daughter is not a plaything/mate for her, maybe she should get some friends, or do some volunteer work.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2012 12:13

Your problem is with your dh.

He thinks you changed dd's preschool days to spite his mother ?!?

So you don't have his agreement to have your daughter in pre school? Does he not agree with you about the days?

OTTMummA · 04/05/2012 12:18

I suspect laurie that her husband doesn't really give a shiny shit about what the op does with the children until his mother starts off on one.

Did you explain why you want dd to start mornings etc?
It doesn't really matter anyway tbh, if you are the one staying at home then it is mostly up to you when she goes, certainly if it doesn't affect your husbands routine in any way.

Miggsie · 04/05/2012 12:19

I would just say that as she thinks you are an evil bitch now when you have done nothing at all you are justified in saying you no longer want her coming round unless your DH is there and stop her coming round in the week

I'd also say I wouldn't really want this woman near my children, she sounds selfish and unhinged. The fact that she only fixates on your daughter is also unhealthy.

When I was young, my mum's friend had only a son and really wanted a daughter and she used to fuss all over me whenever we went to visit and make her son wait on me and stuff and it was really uncomfortable and over the top and in the end my mum stopped taking me round as it was terrible to see her son being treated so badly in relation to me. So based on that I think she will also, in time, cause rifts between your children due to her bias towards one of them.

which is why I advised not seeing her again, she is just trouble, and always will be.

EdlessAllenPoe · 04/05/2012 12:19

your solution is approprate - get your DH to deal with it. your kids still see her, but your don't have to deal with a person who is unwilling to remain civil.

PicaK · 04/05/2012 12:19

You have to make your husband see that is not acceptable for you to be called names under any circumstances.

Then you have to make sure that you organise time for her to see the kids. It is fair for her to expect to see them especially if she's on her own. That other weekend when you had organised to do a lot of things was perhaps one where you could have taken the lead. It reads like you wait for her to ask every time and that she resents it.

Don't get me wrong - she'd do my head in too. But sounds like you've got to pro actively manage this for your kids' sake. Not fair but life isn't.

PackItInNow · 04/05/2012 12:20

If I was you, OP, I'd keep that particular text and show your DH exactly what she said. If he still has the audacity to defend her after that, then he needs to rethink who his family actually is, ie, his mother, or his wife and kids.

Being alone and lonely is absolutely no f*ing excuse for calling you and evil bitch, especially when you ARE letting her see the kids when THEY are free to see her. Tell her straight that the kids have their clubs to go to and she is free to work around that. If she doesn't like it, the TOUGH.

As my gran used to say "You may not be able to control your hormones or your situation, but you can control your actions and what comes out of your mouth. That is unless you have some medical condition which cuases just that.

I hope your DH sees sense and defends you for a change.