MIL called me an Evil Bitch. AIBU to have had enough.

[Voidka]

I have posted before about MIL - she is overbearing and has had a dislike for me since DH and I met 12 years ago.

She likes to come over whenever she wants to, and thats okay but we are not always here. The latest argument came over Easter when she rang to see when we were going to be in, I told her and apparently that was me giving her an appointment slot.

She has since gone back to turning up whenever she feels like it.

She arrived last Thursday at 9.30am, all the children were at school/playgroup so she stayed 2 minutes and then left.

This morning I had to meet with the HT and the SENCo as we are about to apply for a statement for DS2. While I was there I put my phone on silent. I went into the meeting at 9am and got out at 10.20.

When I checked my phone I had 15 missed calls from MIL and 3 arsey texts. I rang her back to find she is sat outside my house and has been since 8.55. I told her I wasnt planning on coming home as I need to nip to the bank and to get some thread to sew on DS's scout badges.She told me that DH and told her that I had asked to change DD's preschool days which I was only doing to get back at her, and that DD and I should be here this morning so she can visit and see DD, then she hung up on me.

I then got a text which says 'why are you being such an evil bitch and stopping me see my granchildren, its not fair on me and I am going to speak to X (my DH) about your behaviour.'

I have had enough. I dont stop her seeing her grandchildren, but I have a life, and three children who need to be places and do things. I know DH will defend her because she is lonely and every time this happens I feel like our relationship dies a little more. In the past I have been accused of putting DD in clubs or classes just so we wont be at home - which isnt true, we just like going out to places.

AIBU? I am so cross I feel like telling her to arrange to see the children through DH and that I wont be available to meet in the week any more.

Good grief-I can't imagine any of my children's grandparents turning up unannounced. These days, don't people at least check by calling or texting that you're in. Otherwise it could easily be a wasted journey. Unless you are trying to be awkward. No one should get away with trying to control your schedule let alone calling you foul names. And your dh should support you. Mil is behaving like a toddler who requires boundaries. So you and importantly dh need them in place. Yanbu.

Oh no what a horrible situation, set days and times your DH can take the children to her. Let him deal with his mother this has gone beyond reasonable behaviour.

As for your DH its a bit of a power game I think sounds like easy life syndrome show him the text and let him know that you will not be spoken to like that by anyone least of all his mother refuse to answer her calls and her text messages and let him deal with the hassle I suspect she wont be half as bad

His mother his problem

Good Luck xox

It's not surprising she's lonely. People don't tend to be drawn to horrible, aggressive control-freaks.

I wouldn't want my children anywhere near her.

And I would not stay with a man who ganged up against me with someone who was abusive towards me.

Sorry but I dont have high hopes for your "D"H if he grew up with a mother like that.
Did his father ever stand up to her?
YANBU btw. Hell no.

I think you need to be open wit your DH about how this is affecting your relationship with him. If he isn't on side after that, you need to deal with your relationship with DH first. Sideline the MIL, don't answer her calls, and avoid her until you and your DH know where you stand.

YADNBU. I also had mil problems and after one particularly bad conversation in which she said some unforgivable things to me I cut all contact with her. Dh still speaks to her regularly (when he rings, she never initiates it) and it upsets me when I let it. I try not to tbh, because her being the source of problems between dh and I is letting her win all over again in my book. If she ever apologised then things might be different, but she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Dh not sticking up for me just reinforces that view.

So, no advice for you Voidka, just wholehearted empathy. I know what you're going through.

I am so sorry that you are not getting the support you need from your dh. I had a similar problem but with my mother. It's a long story but after one particular incident she phoned me and screamed down the phone "may God forgive you because I never will!" She is destructive and petty. She has tried to get my siblings and my nieces to turn against me, phoning them after I took my kids to see her, to let them know that I was on my way to visit so they could get out of the house. She's also made it very very difficult for me to see my brother who has learning difficulties, changing plans at the very last minute.

I have moved and whilst she has my address she doesn't have any of my phone numbers. I once gave her dh's number as we were making plans to take my brother out, she cancelled it and then used that number to send me a couple of texts telling me that I hated her.

This has been going on for years and only recently has dh started to support me. Previously he would say that I was being over-sensitive or over analysing things. I even got back in contact with her after he told me I was unreasonable not to.

Like you, I started to lose respect for him. I needed support and he wasn't there for me. Then I sat him down and without losing my temper, without running off in tears, I told him very reasonably, from the beginning how she had been with me. I listed examples and explained what I had done to resolve the situation (I had to tell him not to keep interrupting mind). I then told him what my plans were and made it very clear that I expected his support because he was married to me and should therefore place my happiness before his MILs.

I would advise that you do the same. Rehearse it if you need to. But calmly state how you have been treated and tell him in no uncertain terms how you plan to deal with it this time and how you expect his support because you are his wife and the mother of his children, which trumps her claim over him. You are doing your best to be a good mother, a good wife and a good daughter in law but feel that this is being hindered. If he thinks that you are changing things to spite his mother, then I would tell him exactly how that makes you feel. He is basically saying that he believes you are the kind of person who would change her plans just to spite his mother. Does he believe that because that's the kind of person he has been brought up by?

You need to plan how to deal with this woman. Do you have a calendar which shows scheduled meetings and a list of things to do? If not then get one, then your dh can see exactly what you have planned for those days and what needs to be done. From now on, tell him all communication is restricted to his mother and himself. If she wants to see her granddaughter then she will just have to make an appointment with your dh. You do not have to converse with someone who calls you an evil bitch. She has shown you no respect whatsoever and yet expects you to drop everything for her. Life doesn't work that way and if she wants to communicate with you in future, she needs to treat you with the respect you deserve as her son's wife and her grandchildren's mother. She may not like you and you are not asking her, you are merely asking that she treat you as a decent human being.

If she cannot do that then you have every right to refuse any contact with her. If he does not back you up then tell him that you can only presume, from his lack of support, that he agrees with his mother. If this is the case then you have no choice but to question your marriage to a man who places his mother before your feelings, who allows his mother to abuse you and even, by his silence, is complicent in that. Because by not defending you, he is basically allowing that abuse to happen and continue.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this. Please don't put up with it any longer. You deserve so much more.

YANBU with bells on.

I think personally in your situation I would be continually busy. She doesn't deserve the time of your DCs if she is willing to treat them in such a way.

Also, the DCs will pick up on it. Yes, they are only young now but if they continue to see her behaving in such a manner to you they aren't going to like it and may well refuse visits from granny in the future.

She is setting her self up to be one very lonely old lady, but she only has her attitude to blame for that. Your DH needs telling (not asking) to speak to her and stop this treatment.

*willing to treat you in such a nasty way.

I think you just have to continue as you are, reinforcing the message by action that you can't plan you and your children's lives around your MIL.

Have you tried telling your DH that your MIL acted like an evil bitch today? If he then ojects, show him the text and ask why it's ok for her to call you one.

Blimey.

I would refuse to see her from now on, either with or without the children and tell your H that while you won't stop her seeing the children, it won't be with you and he will need to do it.

I would also sit down with your H and spell out that you need him to support you in this.

My H put his mother before me for the first 12 years of our relationship (in our case she started being nicer to me once I had the first GC) and even though she was an absolute bitch to me he was in complete denial about it. I just found it so hard.

and can you block her from your phone? (or change your number). I'd do that.

OP, your MIL could be the twin of mine! I have no advice as nothing I've ever tried has worked . I am also an evil bitch who doesn't care about her son/ my children etc. I am rude and horrible to both her and her daughter. (Last time was because she thought my DD3 had been on antibiotics for more than a week - and I pointed out, very politely that she had babysat on Tuesday night and maybe had got confused). Cue, screaming fit, torrent of abuse and storming out of the house. Husband's take on this - "women!!" Good luck, sounds like you need it

What a stressful, dreadful situation.

I am really tempted to say cut her out of your lives permamently. She is toxic times a million.

I wouldn't trust her not to say all sorts of vile things about you to your children.

Sorry if I've not seen any updates but have you shown your dh the texts AND the 15 missed calls?

He absolutely has to, has to set firm boundaries in place starting with you telling her when you are in and when she can visit - if you feel you can continue a relationship with her.

Personally I wouldn't.

Blimey. She sounds unhinged. Your DH needs to grow a backbone. Show him the texts. Her behaviour is really unacceptable. I wouldn't want her around my kids with her shitty attitude. Is your FIL around? Can you talk to him?

15 missed calls when you are in a school appointment That's not normal behaviour.

She sounds horrible & your husband doesn´t sound much use!

If she wants to risk there being no one in, then that´s up to her!

But to ask when you are & when you tell her then that´s you giving her an appointment???!!

She sounds unhinged-she called 15 times in one & a half hours?????!!!!

I wouldn´t give her the time of day & if she phoned again asking when it´s convenient I´d tell her never.

In fact I´d happily leave her sitting in the car knowing that I´m in!

It´s all about her, isn´t it?

Of course your daughter doesn´t go to pre school for any benefit to her-just to piss your evil bitch MIL off

Oh & YADNBU

I would have nothing more to do with her, to be honest. Don't answer the door to her, don't answer her calls.

Your DH is a major part of this problem. He should be backing you. If anyone called me the names you've been called, neither me nor my DH would allow any further contact until we'd had a full apology.

Your children are not your MIL's toys. She's acting like you've taken your ball home, rather than putting your children's best interests first.

What an evil cow MIL is. And what a dick your DH is. In all honesty, if you can't get DH to see how his mother is behaving and why is it unfair, then I think you have to assess if you really want to be in a marriage with someone who will not support you when it's crunch time.

She sounds like her life and sense of self are so empty that she's trying to create drama. Your DH has probably grown up with is behaviour being so normal that he can't even see it's happening or has coped by ignoring it or playing along and thinks you should too. By drama, I mean that she refuses to check if you're going to be in or if it's convenient for her to pop in but she doesn't want to be given a suitable time. THEN, she keeps on dropping by at times when she KNOWS you will not be there or unale to entertain her, ie when your older DC are either at school or going to school. And it seems to me like she's chosing times when they will be at school so she can only have to see her beloved GD, which, if she is doing, is disgusting.

If she's always been a miserable, friendless, lonely drama queen, then she probably never did lots of clubs, etc., for her kids, because she sounds incapable of thinking aout anyone else but herself, so you taking your kids to afterschool activities probably seems very odd to her. Perhaps if your DH was never allowed to do such stuff, he might also see it as unnecessary, IYSWIM.

I wonder why he sticks up for her over her obsession with your DD. it's a massive rejection of him, as if he has been an inconvenience to her until she could get her hands on a female child. But I know exactly what you mean about DH's wimpiness killing off your love for him. My DH will not stand up or say anything to his parents even over the slightest things. I am disabled (via illness, not anything hereditary) and when I was pg they made comments about how they hoped our unborn child wouldn't inherit my 'inferior' genes! DH sat there as if nothing had been said, I was terse with them and later, when I confronted him later, he just said you know what they're like, ignore them and wouldn't discuss it further or say anything to them. He thinks because I am more assertive than him than all confrontation and problem-solving should be my domain. I cannot get him to see that when Person A's parents act badly, Person A must be the one who confronts them and when Person B's parents act badly, Person B confronts them. What a parent might accept their own child saying is completely different from what they will accept from a son or daughter inlaw.

I would put it very bluntly to him; "your inability to confront your mother amounts to actively supporting and encouraging her unacceptable and unstable behaviour. I cannot respect myself and remain in a relationship with a man who thinks it is okay for anyone, never mind a family member, to speak to me and treat me this way. She is abusing me and you are colluding in that abuse. Furthermore, her behaviour is abnormal, unreasonable and offensive and is clearly escalating way out of thr bounds of normality, that I believe she is no longer a fit person for our children to be in contact with. All of thisnis only going to get worse unless YOU put the rights, needs and happiness of your wife and children above your own fear of rocking the boat. If we end up divorcing because of this, then you will be the person who has to deal with her behaviour, I will have nothing more to do with her than, SO you can only choose to deal with her. As part of this family or separated from it. Your choice."

YANBU

My DH is like this with someone very connected to our lives and I have lost respect for him as a result. I can only feel OK about DH by wondering if he has some form of Stockholm Syndrome and is completely unable to change or challenge the dynamic of this relationship by sticking up for me when I spoken to like a naughty child.

Your OP was worded brilliantly and when you said a bit of your relationship dies each time I understand perfectly. You're very articulate and clear - if you can get it across to your DH in the same way then hopefully some of it will sink in. Good luck.

when I am spoken to

YANBU - show the text to your DH, tell him you were in the SENCO appointment, that you would have told her that if she'd bothered to call before turning up. That you would try to find times to suit her to see the DCs before this but that you are now offended by her message. No discussion, you will not see her until she apologises. You aren't going to fit your life round her, so if she can't fit round yours and the DCs, then she won't see them. End of discussion. He can tell his mother this, or let her turn up and sit in the car outside your house again and again.

Actually, what I would probably do is text back "I can't believe you are being so rude. I expect an apology and you aren't the most important person in my life, get over it." then I'd have to deal with the consequences, talking to your DH is probably a more sensible idea...

I would ask her straight out if she hates you enough to ruin her grandchildrens childhood? Get in and attack her for trying to get between husband and wife with her meddling. As she says she will see her son about his- as if she wants to turn him against his wife.

Maybe examine why you are not loving DH so much any more, fix that together and then provide a united front in how to deal with his mother. Sorry she's so annoying...my sil dislikes my mum for reasons none of us can get our heads around (she is lovely and definately not demanding!) and keeps the kids away. It breaks her heart and the kids miss out. It would be sad if it came to that. Good luck.

Oh..and for what its worth..don't text back, pointless to engage in a text argument with someone so patently unreasonable..just leave it, it can't be solved by text and you will look like the rational one. (and you are!)