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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL called me an Evil Bitch. AIBU to have had enough.

127 replies

Voidka · 04/05/2012 11:55

I have posted before about MIL - she is overbearing and has had a dislike for me since DH and I met 12 years ago.

She likes to come over whenever she wants to, and thats okay but we are not always here. The latest argument came over Easter when she rang to see when we were going to be in, I told her and apparently that was me giving her an appointment slot.

She has since gone back to turning up whenever she feels like it.

She arrived last Thursday at 9.30am, all the children were at school/playgroup so she stayed 2 minutes and then left.

This morning I had to meet with the HT and the SENCo as we are about to apply for a statement for DS2. While I was there I put my phone on silent. I went into the meeting at 9am and got out at 10.20.

When I checked my phone I had 15 missed calls from MIL and 3 arsey texts. I rang her back to find she is sat outside my house and has been since 8.55. I told her I wasnt planning on coming home as I need to nip to the bank and to get some thread to sew on DS's scout badges.She told me that DH and told her that I had asked to change DD's preschool days which I was only doing to get back at her, and that DD and I should be here this morning so she can visit and see DD, then she hung up on me.

I then got a text which says 'why are you being such an evil bitch and stopping me see my granchildren, its not fair on me and I am going to speak to X (my DH) about your behaviour.'

I have had enough. I dont stop her seeing her grandchildren, but I have a life, and three children who need to be places and do things. I know DH will defend her because she is lonely and every time this happens I feel like our relationship dies a little more. In the past I have been accused of putting DD in clubs or classes just so we wont be at home - which isnt true, we just like going out to places.

AIBU? I am so cross I feel like telling her to arrange to see the children through DH and that I wont be available to meet in the week any more.

OP posts:
PiedWagtail · 04/05/2012 14:20

Wow - if my MIl had done that to me our relationship would have died a lot more than a little!! She is insane. Your dh has to deal with this -pronto. she is completely out of order - who does that sort of thing?????

LeQueen · 04/05/2012 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Voidka · 04/05/2012 14:46

Thank you everyone.

I have spoken to DH at lunch and I have said that I am upset, and he did say he could see why - he started to defend MIL and I just said that I didnt want to hear it.

I am going to have a proper talk with him when he gets home tomorrow. I am not going to explain my decision again to change DD's preschool in September because I cant be bothered any more and whatever I say he is siding with his Mum so I cant win.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 04/05/2012 14:58

I have felt the same despair Voidka.

Look, have this conversation in your head. Sit him down and ask him to only listen, he can get his chance to talk later. Tell him how she has made you feel and remind him that this is not the first time she has demonstrated her dislike of you. You are not asking her to like you, you are asking for basic respect and right now she shows strangers in the street more respect than she shows to you, her son's wife and her grandchildrens mother.

If he defends her, explain that he is basically giving his mother the green light to abuse you. And there can be no excuse to abuse someone. No-one deserves to be called an evil bitch and if you don't act on it now, then she'll feel that she can insult you in the future.

From now on, if she wants to see her grandchildren her has to make those arrangements for her to do so. You will not stop her from seeing the kids but you have every right to deny her that if she abuses you in front of them.

This is not about her right to see her grandchildren, this is about your right to be able to go about your daily business without getting abusive texts. In fact it's called harrassment and is against the law.

You should expect his support and if it is not forthcoming, then please leave him in no doubt as to where he stands. He has to make a choice between his mother and you.

Time to make a stand. I know you are weary, but don't give in to this spiteful woman. Best of luck x

Proudnscary · 04/05/2012 15:02

I am trying to be sympathetic with him attempting to defend his mum as he's clearly been brainwashed all his life and to him her behaviour is probably normal, or at least expected...

BUT you still sound like you are treading too gently here. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE - SHE IS TOTALLY ABUSIVE. Stay strong, stay angry.

ENormaSnob · 04/05/2012 15:15

She would be having fuck all to do with my dc tbh. Poisonous bitch.

Your husband sounds a pathetic specimen too.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 04/05/2012 15:23

If you feel your husband doesn't listen try writing it down, just bullet points of bare facts.

If it was me, the conclusion of those bare facts would be that you won't be spending any time with MIL anymore, and that if MIL wants to see DD arangments will have to be made through and supervised by DH.

YANBU.

LeQueen · 04/05/2012 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acer76 · 04/05/2012 16:28

I am glad to say that I don't have a MIL. Your MIL sounds like she NEEDS to be in control and call the shots and have people running around after her. If things don't go her way, she starts to throw her toys out of the pram,then it's emotional blackmail and she will try and make YOU feel guilty and wicked for HER shortcomings. I would show your partner the texts and tell him to deal with it pronto. Nobody desreve crap like this, it's unexceptable behaviour and childish. Good luck and best wishes.

diddl · 04/05/2012 16:32

TBH I don´t think there is any point in trying to reason with her.

I´d hand it over to your husband & ignore her.

LeQueen · 04/05/2012 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 04/05/2012 16:47

I have a rule that works for me - mil is never allowed to visit unless her son is home

empirestateofmind · 04/05/2012 17:18

Stay strong Voidka and good luck talking to DH later. Don't let him make excuses. He has to tell his mother to behave from now on. Or she won't be welcome.

ModreB · 04/05/2012 17:37

Just because she's lonely, doesn't give her the right to be rude to you. I would tell DH that if she want's to see the kids, he organises it.

gafhyb · 04/05/2012 17:43

I rememeber your last thread. I think she is mentally ill

VikingVagine · 04/05/2012 18:13

I'd have a fit if my MIL (or even my DM) showed up unannounced. I'd also remind my 'D'H that I'm the one he lives with, I'm his wife, I'm the mother of his children and I'm the one who gives him BJs .

DublinMammy · 04/05/2012 19:06

Think LeQueen's advice is perfect! Also agree with those who suggest your MIL may be mentally ill - her behaviour is really not normal and it is totally unacceptable. Good luck dealing with a horrible situation, it's crap your husband hasn't sorted her out/stood shoulder to shoulder with you up to now but perhaps you can help him to do so.... Good luck!

mercibucket · 04/05/2012 19:17

Can you speak to her gp? I would tell dh that you think she is showing signs of dementia or mental illness and you think he should intervene. And I would never ever ever agree to see her without dh being there as if she is not ill, she is just horrible

MsPaperbackWriter · 04/05/2012 19:36

Your 'd'h is an bloody arse who needed to grow a pair and stand up to the pathetic witch (the mil)
I'm not surprised your marriage is going downhill if he let's her do this. Your dd is YOUR dd not hers. She is a stupid bully and you need to put her and your spineless husband in place or tell them to fuck off. Of course you should be able to do preschool mornings without her snidey comments and you did right by your dd. What a nasty selfish piece of work your mil is. Get mad and take control and lay down some rules x

jellybeans · 04/05/2012 21:36

YANBU I went through this and came out the other side. MIL and I actually get on now. My advice is be strict, she must call before visiting. If she doesn't she hasn't let go of her son properly and isn't accepting the boundary of your home and your rules. If you do this and your DH learns to stand up to her, things will get so much better. If he doesn't your marriage may well get into trouble. Do not give in and let DH take DC to MIL without you, that would be what she wants. She has to be civil and respectful to be involved more than tokenary with your DC. Good luck.

skybluepearl · 04/05/2012 22:03

He needs to man up to his mum. Spineless and he clearly panders to his mother and doesn't support you

Sit down with your diary and text her dates for the next month - that way it will be on your terms. .... 'we have various commitments but will be free each Wednesday between 1.30 and 3 if you want to see the kids. Alternatively DH can bring the kids to you each Tuesday night for tea. Have a regular slot.

skybluepearl · 04/05/2012 22:05

Be polite and tell her she needs to call before visiting and that it's unreasonable to just drop by, then be cross if you are busy.

gafhyb · 05/05/2012 06:10

what mercibucket said

Although I'm not sure what chance yo'd have of getting her in front of a GP so they could assess her. Some advice might be good though

Dozer · 05/05/2012 07:06

Remember the other thread, agree with others that your DH is a big part of the problem.

Jinsei · 05/05/2012 07:35

Wow. Just wow! Shock

YADNBU. Your MIL's behaviour is utterly outrageous, and if your DH cannot see this - and won't deal with it - then I don't think you have a relationship left that is worth fighting for. :(

FWIW, I think your MIL must have mental health problems. This is not normal behaviour, and your DH needs to be seeking help for her. However, the fact that she obviously has mental health issues does not mean that she should be allowed to get away with anything and you should just have to put up with her behaviour. Your DH is completely failing in his obligations to you, and he is showing you an utter lack of respect as well as your MIL.

Can you show him this thread, OP? Would it help him realise what a feeble arse he is being?

Either way, this has got to stop. You do not deserve to be treated in this way, and it isn't healthy for your kids to be around someone who shows you so little respect (that applies to your DH too :( ).

I'm not usually one chiming in with the "leave the bastard" chorus, but on this occasion, if DH won't deal with it, I think it's time to walk away.

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