MIL called me an Evil Bitch. AIBU to have had enough.

[Voidka]

I have posted before about MIL - she is overbearing and has had a dislike for me since DH and I met 12 years ago.

She likes to come over whenever she wants to, and thats okay but we are not always here. The latest argument came over Easter when she rang to see when we were going to be in, I told her and apparently that was me giving her an appointment slot.

She has since gone back to turning up whenever she feels like it.

She arrived last Thursday at 9.30am, all the children were at school/playgroup so she stayed 2 minutes and then left.

This morning I had to meet with the HT and the SENCo as we are about to apply for a statement for DS2. While I was there I put my phone on silent. I went into the meeting at 9am and got out at 10.20.

When I checked my phone I had 15 missed calls from MIL and 3 arsey texts. I rang her back to find she is sat outside my house and has been since 8.55. I told her I wasnt planning on coming home as I need to nip to the bank and to get some thread to sew on DS's scout badges.She told me that DH and told her that I had asked to change DD's preschool days which I was only doing to get back at her, and that DD and I should be here this morning so she can visit and see DD, then she hung up on me.

I then got a text which says 'why are you being such an evil bitch and stopping me see my granchildren, its not fair on me and I am going to speak to X (my DH) about your behaviour.'

I have had enough. I dont stop her seeing her grandchildren, but I have a life, and three children who need to be places and do things. I know DH will defend her because she is lonely and every time this happens I feel like our relationship dies a little more. In the past I have been accused of putting DD in clubs or classes just so we wont be at home - which isnt true, we just like going out to places.

AIBU? I am so cross I feel like telling her to arrange to see the children through DH and that I wont be available to meet in the week any more.

That should be causes.

sorry, missed last post....your DH needs to be onside with you...

Threaten to cut her out your grandkids life. That should whip her into shape.

Sometime you gotta fight fire with fire. Is she someone you want around your kids anyway?

Why can she not see the children on certain days or over the weekend by prearrangement and then she will have presumably no need to hang around your door waiting for you to turn up.

Because that apparently is 'making an appointment' and she doesnt want that - she wants to be able to come when she wants to, which I do understand, but the trouble is that we have stuff to do to and so we are not always here.

It is changing my opinion of DH - I find it so hard to even respect him any more and this along with other problems in our marriage is slowly killing it off :(

she sounds very unreasonable and unhinged, i doubt any set time/days/hours etc would keep her happy.
She wants to be in control of when she sees your dd, she needs to understand this isn't going to happen.
You can offer her set time etc but your dh can take the children over, i wouldn't be able to be civil to anyone who had been so disgusting to me.

sorry x posts

And you've told him this and he doesn't care?

It's not like you're asking him to choose between you and his mum! You just want him to ensure that she treats you with respect and that she knows that HE feels that you should be treated with respect.

At the moment, he is telling her (not verbally) that there is no need to treat you with respect.

I am not surprised it is killing your love for him.

If you left him then she could have contact with the children on his 'weekends' you wouldn't have to bother with her again, ever, if you didn't want to,,,, just saying.

Wow, just wow! I'd tell both her and your "D"H to fuck up TBH. If she wants to see her grandchildren let your DH take them to see her seen as he thinks the sun shine out of her arse. I wouldn't be letting anyone who thought I was an "evil bitch" inside my house, and if DH didn't like it he could fuck off too. Wow, I just can't believe your DH is standing up to this nutter that he calls a mother. If anyone of my family called DH names like that I'd be having nothing more to do with them.

Seriously you should be thinking long and hard of the implications on your relationship if your DH thinks this is an acceptable way for his mother to behave. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Fuck off, not fuck up.

Just let me make sure I've understood this correctly. She wants to be able to pop round whenever she fancies and simply find you all in, refuses to ring up to check you're at home first because that constitutes "making an appointment", and calls you vile names if you're out when she turns up! How can you possibly be expected to respect and love anyone who defends her in this?

YANBU Voidka.

My PIL's are very similar and have pushed me so far that I refuse to see them any more. DH finds it very hard to stand up to them so now we constantly get messages saying "Won't NoOne's stop this now?" and instead of replying with "Leave her alone, you have caused this situation" he sends replies that say "I will speak to her" etc.

That to me is sending them the message that he is on their side and if they badger him enough then he will badger me on their behalf and wear me down.

It won't happen.

Show the message to your DH, tell him that you have never spoken to her in the way she speaks to you and that this is the final straw. Either she apologises and accepts that your lives do not revolve around her or he will be solely responsible for arranging visits between her and the children at a time when he is there as you want nothing more to do with it. That way, you can't be blamed when she doesn't get exactly what she wants.

Of course, you still will be blamed but at least your DH will realise what you were dealing with.

Anyone who called me an evil bitch would not be spending time with my children. That's not the kind of behaviour I wish for my children to be emulating.

From now on I'd just not answer the door to MIL (ever) or pick up her calls.

if my dh let his mother speak to me like that and stood up for her instead of me, then he could fuck off imo

"I then got a text which says 'why are you being such an evil bitch and stopping me see my granchildren, its not fair on me and I am going to speak to X (my DH) about your behaviour.'"

Honey, that was your cue to reply, "I wasn't stopping you from seeing your grandchildren. But I am now!" and to carry it through.

Or do you want to encourage a relationship between your children and a deranged super-control-freak who thinks you're an evil bitch? There is no way she'd be going near mine, that's damn sure.

I'm an adult and I don't expect to be called names, shouted at, haranged by text, told what do with my children and so on. The only person who I can think of who's tried this with me in the last 20 years was told to cease communicating with me, I deleted her details and have blanked her ever since. You do not have to put up with this.
I would explain to your dh that you're at crisis point about this and other things and then I would say it's counseling or it's over.

You're definitely NBU. Your husband sounds like a weak mummy's boy and your MIL sounds vile. Actually, her behaviour is bordering on harrassment. That many phone calls and texts, then emotional blackmail (all I want is to see my gc) and name calling. If she was an ex partner, you'd probably be arranging for her to see the kids via a contact centre.

Your hubby definitely needs to man up.

OTTMumma, your first post sentence had to be the best I have ever read on mumsnet, me and dh admire your
use of the word fuck. So funny.

Op listen your main problem is with your dh here not the mental mil I am afraid to say!

No, YANBU, obviously. I remember your last thread as well.

If she won't accept calm, reasonable and true explanations along the lines that you want her to see her grandchildren lots but, for everyone's convenience, you need to make arrangements, then your DH (NOT you) needs to handle her some other way.

If I were you I'd tell your DH what she's been saying, and show him the appropriate texts, then tell him exactly what you will say to her/do (e.g. refuse to open the door/answer your phone etc) if she continues. If he doesn't want you to say or do those things to her, he must deal with her.

Good luck!

just

I also remember your other thread.

This has got to stop! Your H needs to grow a spine, respect you and your DC and tell his mother to stop behaving like this. Sadly, it seems he wont and I fail to see how a marriage can work while he 'sides' with his mother.

tell her she can come only when dh is there. Otherwise yes you are unavailable for her and let her know in no uncertain terms that it is her behaviour that has caused this. Tell dh you don't give a shiny shit what he thinks it is his frigging mother and he can deal with her noncsence.

yanbu by the way

Explain to DH very clearly that yes you can stand up for yourself - however if he is not supportive then it affects how you see him, any desire for him in the bedroom [for some reason this works ] and your marriage in general. Marriage is meant to be a partnership etc etc. Being blunt, you and the kids will be around in the future for a lot longer than his mother and he needs to get his priorities straight.

He is probably taking the easy way out, thinking that you will love him anyway, and he thinks he can't stand up to his mother. He also might think that you can stand up for yourself, are more capable than him etc and so he doesn't need to. Might not get the concept of emotional support / solidarity etc. If he realises that the worse option might actually happen - ie she will drive you and the kids away - then he might grow some balls!

Not making excuses for your DH - I think he is being incredibly unreasonable and needs a good kick.

I don't see why you can't clearly tell her, if that ("evil bitch") is your opinion of me, I am quite happy and feel it is best for all concerned (particularly the children who are picking up on the tension) if we agree to differ and no longer see each other, and that you arrange any contact with your grandchildren directly with your son. I will no longer facilitate that contact, and if he wants you to see them, then he will bring them round to you etc. Door closed - you get on with your life, and making sure your kids are happy - sounds like you do an ace job to me. Hand the problem squarely over to your DH. Oh and I would block her number from your mobile.

If he has to deal with her and you go on strike, he'll soon get the picture of what she is really like!

How strange.

It's common courtesy for her to ring and make arrangements to see you ALL at times that suit you.

Can't help wondering whether she is lacking in other aspects of her life. Does she have friends, hobbies....why does she need to inflict misery on you?

Her comment was totally unacceptable. I think you need to agree and stick by a strategy for MIL's visits. That she firstly apologises for her totally un-acceptable comment, that she agrees to pre-arrange visits at your convenience and that she shows some respect for you...which seems to be seriously lacking at the moment.

Why should you have to make yourself scarce when she sees the children?