to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

I am sorry you are sad and you have these intense feelings but i dont think you can predict what a daughter will be like you are mourning for something that may have not turned out the way you think ,

I am sorry you are sad and you have these intense feelings but i dont think you can predict what a daughter will be like you are mourning for something that may have not turned out the way you think ,

and my dds are not pretty little girls of course they are beautiful but as toddlers and young girls they rolled in mud and climbed tree and played lego , no interest in dolls etc in the least dd2 a little bitloved a barbie but now into barman and geeky stuff ,

Ilovedaintynuts- you sound like you want to make yourself a friend not a daughter.

I feel sorry for you daintynuts because I have met some truly great men in my time, and in my family. They are fantastic influences and I treasure them (I mean you DH, DBro and DDad). It sounds like you can't think of one good role model or example.

Your post reads like an anti man diatribe and as Bletchley said, if your post was reversed and written by a man we would be up in arms about it.

I was never a boy as my DSs are, but that doesn't mean I don't "get" my sons. I was however, once a child like them and watching their world come into focus has been a privilege that takes my breath away.

I'm really not fussy what flavour they are, just glad that I got them at all.

"evolutionarily programmed to instil hierarchy in their pack" is a very odd statement, you talk about them like that odd bloke who has since been proven wrong, talks about dogs.

There is no "boy talk" every single Male in the world is different, as are Females, I think you need to get a grip. "They trade facts" really, is that why most of the great works of literature and poetry are by Men, so literal and unemotional they are .

God I hate it, ds1 comes home from reception with the whole "bleurgh that is for girls attitude" it's hard frigging work trying to counteract it, I'm already having to inoculate dd with the Women can do anything they like attitude, it's like pissing in the wind.

Sometimes wanting a daughter is about your own mother. I don't want to get too Freudian here, but when I had my DD (after my much adored DS), I just felt complete.

My mother was cold and critical towards me. Never cruel, but just...without love. I love my daughter (and my son) with all my being. The difference is, with my daughter, it seems to heal the hurt. The fact that she will always know that her mother loves her totally and unconditionally seems to make it less important that my mother didn't feel the same for me.

I'm not sure if that makes sense. Maybe some women who had a fantastic relationship want to recreate that with their daughters and those that didn't want to fix it?

But DCs are not there to 'heal you' or to recreate your wonderful relationship. They are a unique being. If you could choose, the next thing that people would want would be 'the right type of girl'.
It always seems strange to me that people expect to get a mini them, or at least one who thinks the same. The gene pool is odd and you have just as much chance of getting a mini MIL, I know many women who have a much better relationship with their grandmother than their mother.
It is all luck. You have the 50/50 chance, so if you are really bothered about gender, it isn't one to take.
It really saddens me that there is such a girl bias. I have a friend who was vey disappointed to have a boy, it was only when the woman in the next bed had a Down's Syndrome DC that she got a grip. Just as well as she now has 2 boys and no girls.

A DC with Down's Syndrome. They are a person with a disease, not the disease itself.

Sorry- wrong way round-but the sentiment is the same, she realised that being disappointed about the sex was a non issue.

I don't know what world all these MNers live in where men and women are the same. That male and female conversation is the same. That boys are girls are the same.

In RL I know no-one who feels like this.

Generally (of course there are exceptions) men/boys do communicate differently - hasn't it been proven that little boys focus more on things rather than people and men use less words per day than women?

Neither are superior or inferior, just different.

I showed my DH this thread and he laughed and agreed that I am such a stereotypical girl (OK 40 year old woman!) that I do struggle to understand boys. He also admitted that he most definitely doesn't speak girl and that when my mum, my sister and I are chatting together it's like listening to another language and it hurts his ears

He wanted a boy for the same reason I wanted a girl. But we both adore ALL three of our children.

They are very different- I can vouch for that, living in an all male house! I constantly have to say 'but this is what women do'. I am constantly amazed by MN threads that won't allow there is any difference between boys and girls. I am afraid to say so, and get my head bitten off, but there is a huge difference.
The girlfriend stage is like a breath of fresh air!

I've never doubted there is a difference, even when people have told me otherwise.
I saw a friend who had a DD last night and she was talking about the things she does with her DD and I could just tell they are totally on the same wavelength. DS does lots of things with me but for how long will he be happy to? I have to really work at thinking of things he will enjoy, it doesn't come naturally.

I accept that my wanting a daughter is selfish in many ways. But I do believe it is how many women feel. It does not mean I don't love my son, but the absence of a daughter is always there at the back of my mind. And sometimes it rears its head like it has at the moment and it is something I think about a lot.

There are things that you can do about it. Go and help with a Rainbow/Brownie/Guide group, they will welcome you with open arms.
The girllfriend stage is lovely and hopefully I will get DILs, and contrary to MN they do have a good relationship in RL. My mother sees more of my SIL than me because they live much nearer and SIL sees more of her than her own mother who lives at a distance. My mother and SIL have even been away together, just the two of them. I think it is lovely, and it doesn't take anything away from my relationship with my mother or from SILs mother.
People get too hung up on 'my' baby or 'my' DC, as if they are a possession.

I know a couple who just kept going till they had a daughter, six kids later and there she was!

Gah. Six kids! Wonder how long they'd have carried on for if six hadn't been a girl.

I showed my DH this thread and he laughed and agreed that I am such a stereotypical girl (OK 40 year old woman!) that I do struggle to understand boys. He also admitted that he most definitely doesn't speak girl and that when my mum, my sister and I are chatting together it's like listening to another language and it hurts his ears

daintynuts: You are creating an attitude where you don't "understand" boys, by labelling them as "talking boy" and yourself as "talking girl".

You don't need to be a boy to understand a boy

You need to be a mother who understands her child.

I am getting quite riled by all the anti boy stuff on here. After 3 pregnancy losses, believe me, this is starting to sound very hollow to my ears.

OP- You got a healthy baby. You are a million times luckier than a woman who has had a MC, a stillbirth, is infertile, or even lost a child.

I know you know this OP, and I know you are grateful for your healthy son, but this thread has unleashed a torrent of " boys are not as good" and "I am not complete without a girl". Frankly it has really shocked me.

Those of us with a healthy son have beaten the odds and won already. Our baby was born healthy and is healthy now. Isn't that enough?

Exactly,YouOldSlag, a DC is a precious gift, sadly we are so used to control and choice these days that some people forget that and not only want a child but want to dictate what sort-very luckily you can't.

There are lots of older girls who are awaiting adoption-if it is so important don't leave it to chance, but give a loving home to one who is already in the world.

I agree with exotic fruits a child isnt there to heal any parent you dont have children to make situations of the past or present better imo

I have 3 DSs - this was what I wanted, so never had the pang that some women have. I understand it, though, as I desperately wanted my first born, in particular, to be a boy .

I agree with TOS about the 'not getting boys'. I 'get' all of mine, but especially DS2 because he is so like me. Clearly nothing to do with gender, but personality.

Fullofregrets, do you have a sister/close female relative? I am extremely close to my sister/mum/MIL/friends and I do the shopping, chatting,coffee with them at the mo (sometimes with DS1 now he is 10.6), so maybe they could be a substitute for your need for close female company.

And I know this is going way back on the thread, but at 'true offspring'.

@ilovedaintynuts. Here
itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/003607.html
is a report on a study by a linguist showing that men have if anything a slight tendency to use more words than women.

CallmeAl - you are wrong there I know LOTS of women who pine for sons, including myself, we love our daughters but it doesnt mean we are sad not to have the chance to mother little boys.

OP YANBU

i am not going to say uabu, but i am afraid i just dont get your longing for a girl, i have four boys, and was very happy with that, we then had baby no 5, who is a girl, i was totally convinced i could ONLY do BOYS so actually having a girl was a bit of a shock to me! i love her dearly, as i do my boys, but with each pregnancy my concern was for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child.

all of my children are individual PEOPLE, regardless of their sex, they are all very different with different likes, dislikes nad hugely different personalities and dd is no exception to that, even at 16mths old, she is very much her own little person.

i never had any expectations of what a girl or a boy should be like, they are all just different people and i love the dynamic that each one of them brings to our family :)

if anything i was slightly wary of having a girl as my own relationship with my mother has not always been great, its fine now but we have our moments! :)

so far being a mum to a girl isnt much different other than the novelty of girls clothes, not taht i am a pink fan tho! but tbh i think if i had had 4 girls and then a boy the novelty of boys clothes would be the same iyswim?

you obviously love your ds, please dont let his desire for an imaginary daughter taint your relationship and life with your son.

you have very valid reasons for not having another pregnancy and tbh if you want a girl so desperately i dont think it would be wise anyway given taht you may get a another boy, tho i am sure you would also love another son dearly as well.

i think you need to put this desire to rest and focus on what you have tbh and i say that in the kindest possible way.

any child, whatever the sex is a blessing, i feel hugely blessed (in a non religious way!) for the 5 that i have and now just how amazingly fortunate and lucky ihave been.

live the life that you have, dont dwell on a fantasy that would never have been reality anyway xxx

and here is a meta-analysis finding that gender differences in communication are so small compared with intra-group variation that they may be ignored:
psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=1988-35304-001.

This study is 25 years old, differences have probably declined even more since then as social mores have made it more acceptable for men to talk more...

Maybe some of it is personality but because of my own ishoos I tend to put it on the fact DS is a boy.
Some of the stuff he does is so random, but maybe it is because he is two! He hates craft and art whereas I always loved it. He hates doing dressing up although does like imaginary play. He has boundless energy (like a puppy). He is not interested in a lot of the things I try and do with him. He likes climbing, running, bouncing, cars, trucks, trains, rough housing. My son is basically exactly what you'd expect to be!
He does enjoy reading and stories and that is something we do together. At the moment he likes cooking and baking, which to be honest aren't hobbies of mine anyway! I enjoy doing these things with him. I struggle to relate on the bounding around shrieking and jumping and climbing on everything though.