to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

fullof that is as you have said because he is 2! DS1 was just like this at 2 as is DS2 who is 2. DS1 is now 6 and loves art and craft and making stuff, it's just about all he ever does. It took him until about 5 to really get into it though

fullofregrets your child is 2 , 2 year olds bound about like puppies on redbull , gender has nothing to do with it , he just sounds like an energetic child get him outdoors and let him burn it off , oh BTW i hated crafts dds were not that interested either ,

. I get you.

As I said, DS1 was desperately wanted by me, but I found it hard when I had him as he was so on the go all the time, which funnily enough, was the reason why I wanted a boy in the first place .

Once I got used to him, DS2 came along who was completley different again and I had to adjust to him not being a 'typical' boy. again.

DS3 is a cross between the two, so I was well into the comfort zone by then .

Toddlers can be difficult whatever the gender - look after yourself and try to enjoy him because as you know, he won't be this small for very long.

fullofregrets- sounds like he is being two and that the things you can't relate to boil down to the fact that we are so far from being two ourselves that our children can exasperate us (it's the age gap not the sex of the child!).

You may one day have a girl who hates craft and likes trains and bounces on sofas. Nothing to do with gender and everything to with age by the sound of your last post!

You cannot make your kids fit the niche you have built for them and it does sound like your boy isn't fitting into yours.

Do you think if he was a girl he would sit still and do craft and dress up?

I'm afraid you need to let go of your imaginary girl in your head and stop comparing her to your very real and very normal bouncy two year old.

youoldslag exactly i dont know what people expect girls to be like I have girls and no experience of boys , but a child is a child and gender really shouldnt be an issue , girls may not be the best friend you think she will be . I just dont get it love your child as a little person accept the little person in your life and move on ,
I dont think we can force children to be like us ,
I have an adult girl and a teen girl , they dont fit into boxes 1 likes nail polish and batman , the other likes slipnot and glee
children turn out just fine if we dont try and fit them into boy/girl

fullofregets, there is a note of disappointment in your post which I find really sad. For your son, not you.

Your son is 2. My DD is 2. Her current obsessions are, in no particular order:

• Stickers
• Digging in mud
• Climbing, the more dangerous the better
• JCB Diggers
• Running as fast as she can and screaming her head off
• Reading

Only one of those (reading) is something I have any interest in, and quite frankly after the 100th time Mog the Forgetful Cat gets a bit tedious.

I think you'll find that as your son gets older you'll have more in common. Having a daughter is no guarantee that you'll be on the same wavelength from the start, as you can see from the above list! I always thought that having a daughter would be a bit like having a mini-me, but she had a really defined personality right from the start and there was no way I was going to force her into a mould she didn't fit.

oh and btw I always hated craft and art stuff, just not my thing. DH is a design teacher and loves that sort of stuff, so he and DS1 will spend hours making stuff

I really cannot give any advice but 18 months ago I would have given anything to be you with a healthy little boy when I was in bed crying know my last ever chance of being a birth mum was over and learning to accept that.

I always wanted a little girl born in May, June or July. I had all these plans - no August baby as planning parties would be a nightmare, no Christmas babies as I always felt it was unfair on them! No January babies as everyone is skint and it is a miserable month!

After 4 years of ttc, 3 IVF's and a miscarriage I really did not care as all I wanted was a family and the who, what and where's meant nothing.

As it is my gorgeous little man, who we adopted in February, is cuddled up to me on the sofa and is the light of my life. I could not love him anymore and he makes all the pain and heartache disappear. I am just grateful that I have a healthy little person who has completed our lives and brings us so much happiness. I had the choice when adopting of what sex we had as a preference and believe me I really did not care as the most important part was that we were the right parents for the right child.

Wa meant to be we could put down a preference not we had one!

What a lovely post Dudeypants. I wish you and your son every happiness.

Of course YANBU. You can't help what you feel and it is separate from the deep love you have for your son. No matter what others say you do not need to compare or discuss gender behaviour or even the reasons for your feelings.

Grieve about it and one day you will move on from these feelings. (When people lose a child the fact that they have remaining children can't take that pain away).

It is usual to have feelings about what could have been on an ongoing basis, even if only fleeting. I have 2 daughters and it is wonderful. I very occasionally wonder about what it would be like if we had a son too, obviously not instead (how awful that would be) but in addition, it is bound to cross your mind. I might like to adopt one day (too old and I think the chattering of 4 women in a house might be too much for one man).

I would have loved a sister and watching my girls (even with all the fighting) I would have liked one even more. Relationships can be very special, gender can be an issue depending on experience (my brother can be problematic and I wouldn't say that if it was mild).

kirsty75005
If I was so inclined I'm sure I could find plenty of evidence to support my argument and you would reply with your own evidence to support yours.
Frankly who can be arsed?

Well actually daintynuts, I was finding it quite interesting. There is so much anti boy feeling on this thread that it was nice to hear from someone who could provide evidence that disputed the myths being spouted as reasons.

fullofregrets have you been on ingender? I don't post there but there are literally thousands of people who suffer 'gender disappointment' or as I think is more appropriate to call it 'gender desire'.
It's a safe place, because most people in RL don't understand.

Youoldslag do you know hard it is to type your MN name in a serious discussion. I've typed it and deleted it about 10 times

Yes dainty, I did it as a tension buster when things get nasty and it works! No matter how much we disagree, you still have to address me as an Old Slag!

I hope it helps us disagree peacefully.

@Ilovedaintynuts. Sorry if it isn't your thing... I'm a data geek by both nature and profession (scientist) and tend to overestimate other people's interest in this kind of thing.

But although it's fair enough that you personally don't want to get into discussing experiments and data I think it does broadly matter. I work in an area that is globally seen as a "boy's thing". My female students are not, globally, less able in my view than their male peers, but have on average much lower confidence in their abilities. This in turn frequently leads them to choose "safer" options which limit their career choices. I suspect that the general feeling that hard sciences are "for boys" has a lot to do with the (on average) lack of self confidence of budding female scientists.

YANBU to hope for something. YABU if you let it get in the way of what you do have. You are so lucky to have a child at all. Boys as as nice as girls-fact. I found out the long way round. With DC1 I didn't have a preference at all. But after having DD1 I really wanted another girl. All my friends with boys were 'desperate' for girls and openly jealous that I had a girl (their words not mine) and I enjoyed DD1 so much that I naturally thought DDs were 'the best' and had no desire for a boy at all. My mother (no sons) was always going on about how much nicer girls were. I also picked up on the negative behaviour of boys and saw no appeal of them really. I even felt abit sorry for those with just boys, I am ashamed of that now and I was just so naive. But I guess having had no experience of boys and women all around me negative about boys rubbed off. Even now, friends say 'all men are bastards' and that kind of thing and i find that hard as I have sons. I actually find men easier to talk with and good company. I am not a girl girl at all, more tomboy. My DDs never did ballet etc or much pink-jeans and a t shirt really.

Anyway I had another DD2 and was over the moon. Then we sadly lost DD3 late in pregnancy. It was horrendous and nothing compares to holding your 'sleeping' child. In the next pregnancy I didn't give a hoot what the gender was, just wanted a live baby. Although with twins was nervous of having two boys in one go! Well I did have boys! I was over the moon when found out so think deep down i did actually want a boy. DH admitted he had done although never revealed this before and loved his DDs as much as he would a DS. The minute I had them it was as lovely as when I had my girls. I enjoyed every minute of them and my DD was more boistrous than DSs so it is more about personality than gender anyway. I suddenly started appreciating other boys and realising what I thought had been wrong. So with DC3 I had no preference at all, especially as we lost another baby again after the 20 week mark. It was a DS3 and I was very happy. I even enjoy buying boys clothes more than girls ones but probably as my girls wore boyish stuff/jeans and not frilly pink stuff.

As for the future I know alot of people worry about being the MIL etc. But I know many sons close to their mums and in every case it is because the MIL is nice to DIL and they get on. My MIL was horrible so we are less close to her than my parents who are lovely to us all. So if you are a nice MIL you have every chance. Also, daughters are just as independant these days and may well move away for work etc. More dads are SAHDs so you may well see more of the GC if you are the Dads parents in that case.

It saddens me to read these threads, i feel sorry for the boys. I also think-and I have been through utter despair myself- that there are people going through hell in this world; torture, starvation, war etc. We should be grateful what we have.

I feel a certain sadness that I will never have a son unless by a little miracle.

I nearly died having dd2 back at Christmas so DH says no more. No conception issues, I have a condition of my own that makes my body shut down organs under stress of pregnancy. Obviously I am very very lucky to have two lovely beautiful daughters.

But, oh little boys are fab. And I'm only in my mid twenties, didn't think I would be done having babies yet.

Plus side I will never have to do battle with a daughter in law!

I felt like this when DS2 was born , but then went on to have 2 girls.
Now I've got girls i don't know why i was so desperate for them!

I think mum daughter relationships really flourish in adulthood. I loved my mum dearly. She died quite young but she did see me become a mum myself and that was such a special time. Following her advice, experiencing lovely times with her and dc1. Can't wait for that with my girls.

YANBU, I get that same feeling OP, I have twin DSs, I love them to bits, don't get me wrong, but I lost twin DDs in pregnancy, and now am too old to try again. My DH has often said "I am sorry I couldn't give you another daughter", but, of course, it wasn't his fault, or mine, it just happens. All my friends with DD's assure me I'm not missing out on much, but that little part of me will always wonder "what if".
I have made the decision to make the most of my miracle boys (they were v premature, and had and to some intent still have, numerous health scares).
They are now 11yrs, and, although a challange at times, they are loving, intelligent and kind, and, I hope, we will always have a good relationship.

I'm looking forward to the same thing with my son goingtothepark, as my mum experienced with her son and his children. I have a special relationship with her but don't fool myself thats its any more "special" than she has with my brother who also loves her dearly.

Thats interesting Kirsty - from observation I have noticed that girls get shushed far more when they are loud or energetic than boys, and an expectation that they will sit an play more quietly and be patient when out shopping far more so than boys.

Regret - I have nothing in common with DS when he was 2 or indeed any 2 yr old I ever met! At six he still has loads of energy but is capable of being more organised with it so he does tennis and athletics at school. He loves dressing up (though quite often as historical warriors), loves history and loves loves loves to hear me and my mum tell him stories of "the olden days". His favorite post school activity is to go for coffee with me in a local cafe and chat, read his books to me and colour/draw.

you don't know you won't have DILs if you have a girl - this is the age of the civil partnership! same for Son ILs.