to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

What would be a crime though is to make your dcs feel inadequate because of their gender. That's bloody stupid.

minou I was in hospital four times on a drip and went from weighing eight and a half stone when I got pregnant to seven and a half stone at the end of the first trimester. I was sick for about the first six months and then it eased up a bit. I was given some anti sickness tablets (had to let them dissolve in mouth) but not sure what they were?
Are there possible side effects to the baby with antiemetics? It is a good idea to speak to my Dr though, thank you. For some reason I hadnt even considered that!

I had Buccastem, which is a short-acting antihistamine. You let it dissolve. The general thing is that the sooner you get the intervention, the less severe it is. With DD (2nd), I was still being sick and heaving, but I was able to function and stay out of hospital....I'd be sick 10 or so times a day, still, but slogged on through. I think I'd have ended up on a drip otherwise.
Thankfully my GP was ready to offer the meds as soon as I booked in with him, so I had them ready before the Vomit Comet started.

Side effects.....they make you feel spaced out and weird, but you're able to get food and fluids down you. You have, basically, three two-hour windows a day to feel up to eating and drinking.
I'll admit I was sick while I had a tab in place most days, but it DID reduce the HG to manageable proportions.

There are no known effects on the baby. Most people think of Thalidomide and freak out, but Buccastem seems alright. My GP offered stronger meds with DD, as it was worse, but I decided to stick with what I knew.
Hope this gets you thinking!

I have two wonderful boys, ds1 is the image of me, nearly as tall already, I look at his smooth slightly freckled nose, his hair like my dad's & his laid back, friendly attitude, his talent at sport and think, yep, that's my boy, I truly couldn't be prouder. ds2 is just as gorgeous and both are my 'true' offspring, (never read such a load of crap as that sentence!)

Absolutely have never wanted a girl so it's not true that all women do.

Op another thing to consider is having a bigger age gap.I had 3 boys and was longing for a dd but i didnt really want any more.Then 12 years later i fell pg and was so excited about the actual baby that the gender never came into it,in fact i planned for a boy. I ended up with a dd which was a huge surprise but i honestly couldnt have cared less had she been a boy because i was so excited about having a newborn again.I then had another 10 years and had another dd a year ago,I wasnt bothered then either.
I did experience the same feelings as you after the 3rd boy though but it does go away as you move through life and watch them grow and develop into little people.
Those who are giving the op a hard time are just being defensive,i used to be the same.
Of course the genders are different or life would make no sense.Obviously every person has different traits and personalities but you cant pretend boys and girls and men and woman are the same because they are not.
I would definately find a sympathetic Dr to speak to.Not all pregnancys are the same lots of people have hyperemesis with one but not the others. Even if you decide not to have another it would help to be refered for some kind of talking therapy to help you move through this.

Good post, Ledkr. DS was 22 months when I got pregnant with DD. he slept like an angel, v easy going, no probs at all, but still a toddler and tiring. The tiredness deffo didn't help things, so maybe wait until DS is in school (I'm not sure how old your DS is, so just throwing the suggestion out there) so that he's not so full-on with you.

I don't think u need to explain yourself any more, I for one understand exactly what u mean.

If others dont then it's because they just can't imagine your feelings.

I don't think for a moment you showed negative thoughts to your ds, it's not about that.

I adore my grown up sons and would gladly die for them but they don't 'get me' Like my girls. It's just a sister hood think I suppose but nothing to do with loving them more or less.

Only read OP!

Of course YANBU.

I am sure my dh feels this way about not having a son sometimes x

as the mum of 2 boys I felt a little like you at first OP. But once I remembered what a total nightmare I was growing up I feel secretly relieved.

No pink crap about the house
No fooking Sylvanian family shite
No worrying about periods
No buying of at least 20 different types of hair mousse until she finds The One That Is Really Good At Defrizzing Hair But Costs £10 A Tin
No telling her to take that miniskirt off and put her boobs away
No telling her to get that rubbish off her face
No angst about boys (although I guess I may have that with my boys )
When Im old and grey I might actually have some time to myself instead of the society 'norm' expectation that my DDs kids will practically live at my house

Good easy times are ahead OP. Besides your son might have a gf who adores you and becomes your daughter anyway. DPs SIL was very close to his mum, more so than her own mother.

There are some people who are never happy in life, whatever they have. When they get what they want they're looking towards the next thing. It's a sad way to live.

mrsP and northern
Thank you.

I know everyone knows people just dont turn out how you think but it really is true, Mrs de vere my aunt has four DS and one DD. DD doenst like her, lives abroad, sees her once a year if that, all sons close to her...youngest is like the "daughter"....very close to mum.

my sister didnt like my mum, lived abroad. My DH is the " girl" he is sensitve, graceful, emotional and amazing - utterly amazing with children. His sister plays rugby, is rude, aggressive, and is banker frothing at the mouth for money....and ferraris....and will slash down anything in her way....

My DH is the beautiful one his sister never dresses up, wears make up etc.

My DD looks pretty and girly but her passsions are cars, dinasours etc....after my experiences with my sister ( went to austriala and my mum didnt see her for 13 years), and my aunts DD it isnt a given that the fears of being abandoned like a boy might wont come true!

I also know couple who have 1 DS and adore thier DIL, and treat her like DD and was there at side in birth etc....

You feel what you feel. I personally feel absolutely blessed that I have one of each - after my DD I really really wanted a boy. Had DS not been a boy I would have tried again I think (much as I would have loved having two girls, I really wanted a boy in our family too).

Not sure about the "boys = other" thing. My DD is very pretty (looks like her dad not me) and I adore her, but she is quite different to me (likes dresses, dressing up etc etc). I was a little scruffy tomboy.

My son on the other hand looks just like me, does the same thing with his chin and feet and I just really feel he has sprung from my loins! Poor boy.

I love them both to little bits .

Good post from MaargaritaPracatan (go on, give us a song!) and Hairylemon.

Be careful what you wish for. I don't get on with my Mum at all and I am certainly not the daughter she wished for.

MrsdeVere, you have my every sympathy, you really do. Nobody should ever have to go though that.

i think some women cannot help how the feel about "needing" a daughter. i think it's nature at work, making them feel like they need a clone so to speak? i don't think it can be helped. but what women without a DD need to realise is that she may be totally, utterly, completely different from you.

i have a DD, she is 2, i love her more than life, but she is not how i expected my child to be/look etc.. she's boisterous, fearless, very untidy and looks like her daddy. i wouldn't change her for anything or anyone but lately i have started daydreaming about having a son who has my colouring and looks more like me and is a little gentleman. i think it's because i have a teenage half brother who looks like me, is polite, sweet, funny and also loves spending time with me, going for coffees with me and is actually my good friend!

my DP adores his mum, they are not friends (as in they don't go shopping together or for coffee) but he loves her to bits and is very protective of her. DP's brother is also very close to his mum (as is his girlfriend) they go for meals with her, go on trips with her etc.. i have also found that most of the men in my family are very close to their mums in adult life, my grandmother has 7 kids (1 male, 6 females) my uncle is the one closest to her, they are literally clones of eachother, peas in a pod, best friends, she has always played a major role in his kid's lives.

some of the MIL threads on here can be a bit scary, but i don't think that's the norm in real life. i think it's how you bring your kids up. if you are a very close family and create that deep bond while the kids are young, you are always going to be close until the day you die. the idea that sons "leave" their mother's simply isn't true. yes, they will probably get a wife who will come first (as would a daughter with a husband) but they will always be your son and you will always be their mother and will always need and want eachother. your son can have as many girlfriends/wives as he likes over the course of life but he'll only ever have one mother (same as daughter)

some of the generalisations about girls on this thread are really horrible :-(

Great post Jinglemum. As a mother of two boys I was starting to feel disheartened by this thread. As much as I wanted a daughter after DS1, I couldn't be more overjoyed with the hand life dealt me. My boys are the greatest source of happiness I have ever had since I was born.

The secret to happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you've got.

When you realise this, you will stop pining and realise that (in my case) joy is on my lap sticking its fingers up my nose.

Ive not read all the posts but i get you op. When my first son was born i was relieved i really wanted a boy and couldnt imagine a girl years passed and i decided actually how lovely it would be to have a daughter too but i didnt want to go through another pregnancy as my first was difficult, so then i found myself pregnant again and sort of hoped it was a girl but had another gorgeous little boy i love my boys to bits but i do have that longing for a daughter and not so i can buy pink or play dress up as im the least girly person ever and probably couldnt even do their hair! but i think its a bond i would love in their adulthood more than anything. Its not going to happen for me though but i truly understand the feeling

I'm not normally one to say it's healthier to be grateful for what you have but actually, it is unrealistic to assume you could have a daughter even if you were planning to have more children.

I have sons. It'd have been quite nice to have a daughter but actually, I was keener on enjoying the children I did have - and stopping at two of them - than I was chasing an unreliable dream of having a daughter.

There's also no guarantee that merely having a daughter will result in a wonderful relationship with her. Unfortunately I have several friends who've had much more fraught times with their daughters than with their sons.

I have a dd, who was followed by 2 ds's.

I adore my boys and love the idea of doing my bit to raise two decent, caring men but if I let myself dwell on the future I do worry. There are always exceptions but men seem to love their mums (and all the ones I know love their mums fiercely) much more in the abstract than women do. DH and DB adore their mums but aren't in daily phone contact etc like my sister and i are with my mum and they very obviously put their relationships first. I remember reading 'Raising Great Boys' soon after ds1's birth and being broken hearted at the assertion that it's just nature in action...men HAVE to reject their mothers in order to move onto another woman at some point (something that doesn't need to happen with daughters). My mum helpfully told me that boys were extra affectionate when small to make up for the fact that they will leave you before too long. Thanks ma!

There is also a lot of societal conditioning at play. 'Mummy's boy' is a time- honoured insult and a man who is very close to his mother is often viewed with suspicion.

But for now I'm savouring my beautiful boys for the dreamboats they are. The future will take care of itself

I think many people are way over-analysing what being the mother of a son might look like when they are adults and way under-analysing what their relationship with their DD's might be like!

Just get on with your life as mothers and revel in your children (as I'm sure you all do!) why spend time second guessing what might be - it may never happen that way at all.

If I learnt one thing over the last 25 years since becoming an adult (I'm very old and wise) it was not to worry about things which haven't happened because what will happen is something you haven't even thought of and you will have wasted the moment before worrying about something that never did happen.

My life is absolutely diametrically opposite to the neat little life with two children (one of each of course) and a husband, career, nice house that I'd always imagined. No doubt if I'd envisaged being a single middle aged mother to a six year old boy with no job, I would have been horrified but really I'm rather happy. Any regrets I have about the shortcomings in my imagined life are minor compared to the great fortune I have in the reality.

I do get the "regret" of course I do, as I've said I've had my share but you can choose what to do with those feelings. Really I believe that you can, you can acknowledge them and let them go. Because whatever you think eg "I'll never be complete without a daughter", will become true.

brilliant post kewcumber

enjoy your kids, adore them, develop a close bond whilst they are young and you won't go wrong. i honestly mean this with all my heart, every man that i know (family, friends etc..) think the world of their mother and are they are close in adult life. if people are worrying about not seeing their son's children as much as the maternal grandmother then i wouldn't worry; look at the way things are now, childcare expenses are high, women need to work these days, it's as simple as that, so imagine what it will be like 20/30 years from now. i think if you are willing and able to take care of grandkids then you will be lumbered with them!

Sister Christina- that's so depressing! I hope it's not true about men having to reject their mother in order to move on to a partner.

I will unwish it and will it not to be true.

I will say that if I had had a DD it may not have been the idealised relationship many wish for. I don't get on with my Mum, wasn't on speaking terms with her when my DS was born and she has chosen to live far away, so that kind of puts the kibosh on the "holding hands when a daughter gives birth" fantasy. She barely sees my DSs and is certainly not first in line for child care and quality time with them.

However, I think if you stay close to your sons and befriend your DIL, mothers with sons can have an equally satisfying relationship with their GCs as mothers of daughters can have.

However, I think if you stay close to your sons and befriend your DIL, mothers with sons can have an equally satisfying relationship with their GCs as mothers of daughters can have.

Absolutely true. This is what has happened to me and I now have a lovely ddil and a beautiful dgd. Not for one moment do I feel the loss of a daughter nor a moment's regret for having two sons.