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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
fullofregrets · 05/05/2012 15:33

No I would not swap him now.
Hand on heart I would have done when I was pregnant though. Before I knew him.

OP posts:
Original poster
fullofregrets · 05/05/2012 15:35

What I mean is when we found out at twenty weeks if I wished he was a girl. I wished it like crazy.
I would not change him now, of course I wouldn't.

OP posts:
Morloth · 05/05/2012 15:37

So you know him as a person. What could a different set of genitals have possibly changed? What?

Morloth · 05/05/2012 15:41

This is one area where we really have no control. There is no point to feeling the way you are feeling.

So you either buck up and shake it off or you continue feeling sad.

What are your options?

Original poster
fullofregrets · 05/05/2012 15:49

I know morloth I am aware my feelings aren't rational and that they won't change anything.
I try and ignore them and mostly put it to the back of my mind.
When I wrote the above post I'd just received a message from friend saying 'it's a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!' She already has a boy and I will tell you now there were no capitals or exclamation marks when she had her son. No where near as much excitement.
It just brought it to the front of my mind again.

OP posts:
Vessel · 05/05/2012 15:50

well then, wtf is wrong with you people. Boys are just as amazing as girls.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 05/05/2012 15:54

Most of my friends have a strong girl preference too. They talk about it quite openly. I don't so much. I just try and brush it off. Engaging with it IRL particularly when they all have girls anyway makes it worse.
The friend who has just had a girl wanted a girl with her first.

OP posts:
Vessel · 05/05/2012 15:56

something wrong with you all then. You should advise your mates not to bother having any more kids.

Morloth · 05/05/2012 15:59

I pity your friend's son that he is not as special to his Mum as his sister. It is incomprehensible to me. I just can't imagine anyone being so foolish and cruel.

Don't waste any more energy on what ifs, it really is a waste. You can control your feelings, you can either be 'very very sad' or you can count your blessings.

Morloth · 05/05/2012 16:03

Can your children here these conversations? Your little boy will be learning fast.

Get some new friends.

Your son deserves to know he is all you wanted.

everlong · 05/05/2012 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeAl · 05/05/2012 16:26

Your friends are horrors then. Those poor boys, some people don't deserve to have children.

everlong · 05/05/2012 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 05/05/2012 16:36

Sad to c this post still running. I have 4 Dcs, 2 girls and 2 boys, I do understand in part how you feel as I was desperate for a dd and we had boys first.

Just to say dd was badly injured In a coach crash in feb, u will have heard of it as it was national news.

We had police knocking on our door telling us that dd was alive but badly injured, terrible terrible.

Dds friends are seriously injured, one girl has life long injuries. Her lig
Life and her parents lives have been blasted apart on a millisecond.

You have a healthy child, it doesn't matter what sex he is just hug him and be grateful.

Sorry as didn't mean to hijack your thread.

AlbertoFrog · 05/05/2012 16:39

Wow.

Just wow.

DS is scared of me now as I've just grabbed him and hugged him and kissed him all over. He is my child, me and DH created him. He is our miracle baby.

I don't get it and I'm heart sorry for all of you who have these feelings because I'd hate to live life that way.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 05/05/2012 16:40

I must admit I have had to stop seeing one friend. She had a strong girl preference and had two girls first.
Her third was a boy. The difference in the way she treated them and spoke about them was unreal. When she said 'I'd never hit the girls but I've smacked X a few times because boys need a firmer hand' I cut all ties. Haven't seen her since.

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/05/2012 16:41

How is your DD doing now thebody?
What a terrible thing for her and you to go through.
I hope she is recovering well.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 05/05/2012 16:42

Hope she and her friends are recovering now thebody

OP posts:
GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 05/05/2012 16:44

Coming late to this thread. Before I had children, I always thought I would have a little girl, with curls, who loved reading books and who I would bond with very closely. Actually, of course, that little dream girl was a smaller version of me!

What I had was two boys. They are both grown up now - late teens, early 20s. And I have found to my amazement that I have two best friends. DS2 in particular has the same sense of humour as me and we get on so well it is uncanny. In fact, he said to me the other week that he thinks of me as a friend as well as being his parent. And before anyone jumps in, I have been a strong parent through their lives so far, not actively trying to be their best friend. We have come through the toddler tantrums, the terrible teens and out of the other side to find we actually all like each other.

Yes, we have our issues - DS1 is on the Autistic spectrum and can be very difficult at times. But, I now never mourn for that curly-haired girl. I got a curly-haired young man instead and another who is my partner in humour!

Morloth · 05/05/2012 16:46

It can all be snatched away so quickly.

So many people waste precious time worrying about what they don't have.

How can people waste time on this stuff. I just don't understand it.

thebody · 05/05/2012 16:58

Dd is ok, she has physio for back and neck injuries and has been reciving councelling for PTSD.

It's hard. Fullifregrets don't feel bad for feeling like this, u can't help your feelings but just also know how bloody lucky u r( sure you do anyway)

Morlloth exactly ...

It's hard to accept that my beautiful dd who came into this world with perfect skin is now covered in scars but is really still beautiful and alive.

You know what we are all lucky to have kids but it's fine to vent on mumsnet for all issues.

thebody · 05/05/2012 17:00

Gurl, feel just same with my dss great post

everlong · 05/05/2012 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 05/05/2012 17:22

Everlong lovely post I know how u feel as my dss are grown up and definate friends now to me and dh,

Dd will b fine as she has us and of course her older dss to help her,

BOYS ARE GREAT and of course so are girls.

Fullof regrets interesting post though and it's good to vent feelings

Moominsarescary · 05/05/2012 17:29

I've had 4ds, 3 living. My eldest is 17 and we are very very close. I can never understand why people want girls over boys.