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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
ginsmytonic · 05/05/2012 17:29

Dear fullofregrets
Try to be fullofjoy, you have a beautiful child, it happens to be a son. I do understand your feelings, we cannot help our thoughts and daydreams. Reality though is different. I have two daughters , adored and wanted and after dd2 born , had a few people say never mind , are you disappointed !? Its not just pro girls bias but also the one of each preference that can exist too. I was over the moon with

my girls,was glad to have two of the same as i hoped they could be close friends, and if i had had a son would have liked two boys for the same reasons .
Girls don't always conform to type one daughter plays football one does dance!!

Try to enjoy your present and future , boys are sostraight forward(generally) none of the moods as oer girls and are mostly very loving from what I see from my godsons xxxplease try and be happy xxx

follygirl · 05/05/2012 17:48

So sorry to read from those mums who have lost children. I truly can't imagine how it must feel.

Life is short and can be cruel. I wish people would love their children for who they are and not for what they are. Children don't always conform to stereotype do they?

exoticfruits · 05/05/2012 17:55

exoticfruits i didnt have a fantasy of a barbie doll daughter. She is a daddy's girl, she has lots of pairs of jeans in her wardrobe. Why would I give a fuck about whether she wanted to play rugby or be a plumber? I just want her to be happy like everyone does for their children.

You are missing my point entirely, there are lots of women who want a girl but can't stand pink and yet they get a DC who adores it. My point is that it is all to do with personality and not gender.
People who don't have a girl and want one generally have a fantasy- it doesn't matter what the fantasy is, but it is a fantasy. Generally it is the idea that you have a close relationship and a friend for life BUT you might or you might not.

People these days get very used to choice and control- you have neither with DCs. You should cherish what you have.

duckdodgers · 05/05/2012 17:55

When she said 'I'd never hit the girls but I've smacked X a few times because boys need a firmer hand'

At least you stopped seeing this friend OP, this is vile. As I said before so many screwed up people in the world caused by their childhoods.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2012 17:57

Girls are generally, very generally, far more difficult than boys.

CallMeAl · 05/05/2012 18:33

rubbish. kids are individuals, this labelling one as harder than the other is part of the problem.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2012 18:45

Exactly!

MissBetsyTrotwood · 05/05/2012 18:45

I adore my DSs and I wouldn't change them for the world.

The shopping and the pink and all the sharing girl stuff is of no importance to me. However, I do worry slightly about always being the MIL grandparent to any DGCs that may come along. I love my MIL dearly and we have a good relationship but I don't think we'll ever truly 'get' each other. I care deeply about my DSs having a close relationship with my mother; while I encourage their closeness with MIL, deep down I care much less about whether they value their relationship with her.

thebody · 05/05/2012 18:46

Dc1 (22) into physics and maths, has a degree in engineering, gentle quiet loving

Dc2 (21)into footii and partying, has a degree in events management and working his way round the works girl by girl by party, kind, loving and naughty.

Ds3 (13)recovering from injuries previously stated, into rugby, music. Makeup and boys, quiet and artistic

Ds4(10) into Bruno mars and one direction, cheeky, fearless and a mean footballer,

It's not about what's In the pants it's what's in the head that matters, all different and all fantastic.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2012 18:56

I'm positive that the MIL thing is fine in RL, MN gives you a skewed view as only those with problems post.

everlong · 05/05/2012 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 05/05/2012 18:59

Stop it Everlong I will be in a weep, thank you.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 05/05/2012 19:04

I hope so exoticfruits. I guess a lot of the threads that come up on here are when the relationship has reached breaking point and I would hope that I'm not so unreasonable a person as to cause that to happen! Grin

exoticfruits · 05/05/2012 19:07

MIL/DIL problems crop up when either want control and are possessive, the sort who have fantasy DCs instead of responding to the DC they have.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 05/05/2012 20:16

Yes, I do sometimes worry about being the MIL from hell. But now I have read MN so much, at least I know what not to do!

Missing DS2 so much as he has just gone back to Uni. He's like a breath of fresh air in this house!

AndLibbyMakesThree · 05/05/2012 21:11

fullofregrets, this isn't quite the same as you're feeling, but perhaps related to it. I too only have one child, a son. I don't feel sad that he's a boy, as I didn't have a preference either way. However, I do feel terribly sad that a) I'll never have the second child I wanted so much, and b) my DS is autistic, and I'll never have the experience of bringing up a child who's not autistic.

This week a friend had her second baby, and, although I'm happy for her, I can't help feeling sad too, although I hate feeling that way.

LimeLeafLizard · 05/05/2012 23:45

One lovely aspect of having only sons is that two of my friends' daughters really look out for me wrt the 'girlie' stuff. E.g. one told her mum 'I want to wear my butterfly dress because Lime hasn't seen it yet' and another brings 'girl toys' when she comes to visit because she thinks I'm missing out! I really have no desire to play with Disney princess shit, but it is nice that they think of me. Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2012 23:52

I have a girl and will admit to wanting a girl. I don't know if there was a fantasy as such. I think why I wanted a girl was that I wanted to try to give her one tiny part of what my mother gave me. My mother is a rampant feminist strong woman and taught me I could be, do, think, say anything I wanted. I could wear pink or dye my hair link, as long as I was doing it because I wanted to.

I want DD to be the person she is. Currently, that is loud, scary, pushy, funny. Just because you want a girl, it doesn't mean you have a mold ready to shove them into.

YouOldSlag · 07/05/2012 10:21

Mrs Terry Pratchett- your Mum sounds great, as does your daughter. I bet if you'd had a DS you'd have raised him the same!i.e to think he can do anything and be whatever he wants to be. I'm certainly raising mine that way.

As for the rest of it on this thread "life is what happens when you're making other plans"

forehead · 07/05/2012 11:12

I believe that most people have a preference even if they don't want to admit it.
A friend of mine was childless for ten years before giving bith to a son. To say that she was diappointed would be an understatement. She was actally devastated. Onw would have thought that she would be grateful for a child after years of infertility, but this was not the case. She now has three boys ans still yearns for a girl.
She even has a suitcase filled with girls clothing , despite the fact that she doesn't have a girl.
I do wonder why so many mumsnetters prefer girls , as in my experience it seems that many people have a strong preference for boys. Whether this could be due to the socio economic background of many mumsnetters which appears to be predominantly'middle class'and/or educated and therefore many hope to have girls who will emulate them.

CallMeAl · 07/05/2012 11:14

I think they don't, don't kid yourself they all must but hide it better, its offensive.

forehead · 07/05/2012 11:14

Sorry about the typos

forehead · 07/05/2012 11:16

I said ''most'

BombasticAghast · 07/05/2012 11:25

Dh and I will only have the 2 children we have.

They are twins. Twin boys.

Through the whole pregnancy, I was convinced there were one of each in there.

When they were born, and both boys, I felt nothing but relief that they had arrived safely (after a very long time trying to have a family).

We will never have a little girl, but I don't feel sad at all about that.

I have 2 DNieces to love, as well as my divine boys.

YANBU, but you need to not let your imagined relationship with an imagined little girl colour your relationship with your lovely boy.

BombasticAghast · 07/05/2012 11:28

x-posts with forehead.

Interesting theory. I think I would say I wanted at least one to be a boy.

I have 2 fantastic brothers and no sisters; maybe that coloured my thinking!

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