to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

everlong I know exactly what you mean, Ive already said this happened to me to, the "its a shame" comments when DC 3 was a DS. It really beggars belief there are people in the world this ignorant and nasty doesn't it.

Im so sorry for your loss to

That should really put it into perspective for some people here.

everlong I had people cry for me when DCs 4 & 5 scans showed they were boys.

People were so desperate for me to have another girl and I suppose they presumed I was too.

Like it would fix everything.

I really think that if you feel that part of you will die if you don't get the DC that you imagine having then you shouldn't have one. Real life is messy, how are you going to cope when it doesn't live up to the fantasy? When your 3 year old is a real daddy's girl-when she wants to live in jeans- wants her hair short-wants to play rugby- thinks differently to you on major issues- wants to be a plumber-can't abide shopping, especially with her mother- goes off travelling, meets an Australian and stays there etc etc etc. Obviously not all of these! But each one is possible. Don't have the fantasy if you want a DC, or at least realise it is a fantasy. People have terrible things to face with DCs -having the sex that you wouldn't have chosen is hardly a reason to die inside!

I would have liked a girl. But not in the way they seemed to think. Infact I was very nervous of having a girl incase she was very like Billie. I am not sure I could have coped.

Other people's reactions did shock me. Also made me feel unsure about whether my reaction was odd - should I have been upset? It was all very strange.

FFS people should bloody well appreciate what they've got, do they think they've been 'saddled' with boys or what? Jesus.

A friend of mine had two boys and was 'desperate' for a girl. She went on about it very often, even in front of her DSs. Her DH didn't want anymore but she said to him, 'but it is alright for you, you have your boys,'. I never got that as surely they are HER boys too? It was refreshing at toddler group recently as some mums actually wanted boys!

I think everyone here has said that they are thankful for what they have and that the love they have for their child they have is totally seperate for the longing for a son/daughter.

exoticfruits i didnt have a fantasy of a barbie doll daughter. She is a daddy's girl, she has lots of pairs of jeans in her wardrobe. Why would I give a fuck about whether she wanted to play rugby or be a plumber? I just want her to be happy like everyone does for their children.

Ive just always wanted a daughter, I think most people have a preference, especially for their first, but dont admit it and Im not surprised given the vitriol on here. If I got pregnant again Id love to have a boy but I imagine my daughter will be my only child and Im very happy to have a daughter

yes everlong I realise that was the wrong turn of phrase. I didnt mean it in the sense that I would have been desperately unhappy with a boy, Im sure as soon as I saw him Id have fallen in love completely with him. Just meant it in the sense that I understand the OPs feeling of incompleteness in not having a daughter, totally seperate to the love for her ds.
Apologies if I offended anyone, can be a bit over dramatic sometimes

everlong just read your other post. so sorry.

Fair enough simone

"A friend of mine had two boys and was 'desperate' for a girl. She went on about it very often, even in front of her DSs." Jellybeans thats just so desperately sad isnt it, those poor wee boys, growing up hearing stuff like that. Whether she means it or not subconsciously this will be sending them the message they are what she wants.

I have every sympathy for you OP, and as there is always someone in the world far far far worse off then oneself, it is pointless to be told we must belittle or shut down our own upset as a consequence. The pain, or maybe even grief, you are feeling at coming to terms with not having the life and family you pictured, is real and true and therefore valid. However, your DS (and hopefully DH) are the silver lining that will get you through this grief and allow you to put it behind you and move on.

As another poster said, I think a woman's yearning for a daughter is simply anthropology. It's in our genes. Just as a man's yearning for a son is. That's coming from a staunch feminist (if that's even relevant here). As human beings we are hard-wired to seek to replicate what we like about ourselves and our life experiences: if you had a close mother-daughter relationship and a happy childhood as a daughter, you are hard-wired to want to replicate that yourself. It's nature, not gender prejudice.

Good luck, and as others may have suggested, counselling might be helpful to you in working through your feelings and accepting what you have.

Everlong, with all due respect, that's what I'm saying. There are people on the bereavement board with far far far far worse grief. I think when it comes to personal emotions, you can't rate them on a scale.

By way of an extreme example, children are being tortured to death in Syria. I work with that stuff. Yet I was deeply upset by a recent miscarriage. I don't think I was ridiculous or shallow for that.

My personal view is not to compare my scale of emotions with anyone else's. But I really appreciate that's just my humble view, which is what posters on Mumsnet usually ask for.

Everlong, I understand what you're saying, and I'm of course deeply sorry for your loss. I do apologise for being insensitive, which came through by way of trying to be sympathetic to the OP...

"A womens yearning for a daughter is simply anthropology, its in our genes"?

What utter rot. We are not hard wired to want to replicate what we like about ourselves. Where are you getting this junk from?
There is no genetic code for a strong selfish desire for one gendered child over another.

We are hard-wired to nurture our young, regardless of gender, surely!

I understand a pang of 'grass is always greener' as I suspect that I would have felt that way if mine had been girls.

But I can't get my head around desperately sad, that just sounds ridiculously self indulgent and overly dramatic. There are things to be desperately sad about. Having a healthy baby boy is not one of them.

I have three sisters, we would all rather have stuck pins in our eyes then do craft or tea parties.