to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

Sorry, my post above was not as clear as I intended

I mean to say that you can't change how you feel but you can change your way of thinking. You can challenge your flawed assumptions that make you feel that way

The thing is exotic is that pre having DS I actually didn't think my preference was as strong as it is. I knew I had a girl preference but I didnt realise how strong it was until I had DS and subsequently decided on no more children.
It brought it into focus. And I think everyone else I know having girls and some people making it clear they thought I'd got second prize by having a boy made it worse. It validated the feeling that I was missing out somehow.
Since having DS the need for a DD has gotten worse, not better.

Stop listening to the nay-sayers and Smogs. The negativity about boys is boring and predictable.

I think it's okay to be sad but you have to make peace with these things and appreciate what you have.

I think that it is OK but if it goes on and you are daily looking at your DS and thinking that you missed out then you need to get counselling. Is there something missing in your life? Do you think that a DD would solve it? Do you think it fair that a DD should come into the world to fulfil someone else's expectations.
I have a friend who gives me a wry smile. She is sad that ' I will miss out on the mother/daughter relationship' - and this is despite the fact that she has a very poor one with her DD.
I would recognise that you are in bereavement for your fantasy DC, and come to terms that it was a fantasy. Concentrate on the relationship with your DS so that you are likely to have a good relationship with him as an adult and a good one with any future DIL.
I tell myself that as I have 3DSs I am quite likely to have grand daughters and lots of women have wonderful relationships with grandparents. I do however keep it at the back of my mind, they may not have DCs, they may have emigrated by then.
I wasn't being glib about adopting/fostering- lots of older girls need a loving home. You don't need to have them from a baby to have the mother/daughter relationship.
You either need to come to terms with it or find a practical way of making it happen but don't let it eat away at you making you upset every time some one has a baby girl. Your DS wasn't second prize. If you did go onto have a girl, the chances are that your DS would be the one on your wave length. It is personality that counts and not gender.

exotic fruits- brilliant post. It says everything I was thinking.

Exactly exotic fruits

OP, several people said to me after we completed our family of 2 DSs "you need to try for a girl now".

I found it momentarily offensive, shrugged it off and it did not affect my attitude to my incredible boys one jot. Don't let the perceptions of others take anything away from how lucky you are to have a wonderful son.

I must admit some disappointment when I found out my DS2 was going to be a boy simply because we knew he would be our last and we came to terms with that. We had just lost a daughter halfway through pregnancy so part of the disappointment was grief for that.

HOWEVER, once DS2 started kicking and we picked a name, it was sheer, overwhelming love and I genuinely feel I have the best two children in the whole world. I can't believe my luck that we finally got our two healthy children. Instead of feeling sad I'm not going to have three, I feel blessed I've had two.

I can understand how you feel. Only my longing was for a boy. I had DD first and was secretly longing for a boy. I'll be honest and say I was disappointed when DD was born. But I knew we would try for another baby so I still had hope that I would have a boy. When I fell pregnant the second time I cried with relief at the scan when we found out we were having a boy. If ds had been a girl I think I would have been devastated as we only ever wanted 2 children. I think I would have been longing for a boy for the rest of my life. And felt jealousy towards mothers with sons. I would have felt a little unhappy and discontented for the rest of my life.

I'm admitting to all this because I want you to know you're not the only one to feel like you do. There's a huge taboo about these sorts of feelings and that prevents it being discussed and perhaps resolved which is terrible for the mothers who are having these sorts of feelings.

OP reading your post just makes me want to cry for you. I understand how you feel. I knew I would only have 1 child and desperately wanted a girl. Hearing those 3 words, its a girl, was the best moment of my life and she's everything I imagined and more. I know I would have died a little inside if Id have had a boy. Its uncomfortable to admit, Ive nothing against boys, am godmother to 6 boys, love them all, but something deep inside of me wanted my girl. And of course its not about dressing them up in pink and having tea parties, thats ridiculous and so reductive. The desire runs far deeper than that. I really hope the pain lessens for you OP, my heart goes out to youm

All these poor boys whose mothers might have "died a little inside" because they are boys!

so were you disappointed when you had a boy?

I think if your desire for one sex over the other is that strong, you shouldn't have children at all. Those poor boys, and it is almost always boys, always being second class, not good enough. Do you think they don't know?

hark at you, jasmine, who put you in charge of who can post?

Perhaps youoldslag just has more sympathy and compassion for the boys and men who know they were not what their self-indulgent mothers wanted? I do.

Call me al, how is that helpful to the OP? I think you should clear off too.

In my case there were very deep rooted reasons why I didn't want a girl. I have worked very hard on my childhood issues to the point now where I am equally happy with each of my children. I know now why I didn't want a girl. And it wasn't because I was a bad, uncaring or ungrateful mother.

Don't feel sorry for my DC, I've never said they weren't good enough for me, or the wrong sex.
Thats a personal attack there, jasmine, another couple and you'll get banned as well as deleted.

Not very. Repeated personal attacks gets you banned, haven't you read the talk guidelines.
If you want to post in AIBU, don't be surprised when people disagree with you. This isn't a love in or therapy.

Ok then report me. I'm shaking in my boots. My life surely won't be worth living if I get banned from MN. It's a fate worse than death!

just ban yourself then and save us all your tedious whining.

'I know I would have died a little inside if Id have had a boy' Yes but if you actually HAD a boy maybe you would have been like I was and realised that they are actually fantastic and you would have fallen in love right away with your DS. So you can't really say for sure if you didn't have a DS.

Well I understand that feelings aren't always rational or understandable I do think that for someone to actually feel that a bit inside them would have died if they had had a boy instead of a girl is just horrible and the worst thing Ive read on this thread. There are some seriously screwed up people in this world and a lot is caused by childhood experiences. No matter how much these Mums think they are hiding their feelings from their children they are wrong - children are very perceptive. I work with adults with issues from their childhood.