to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

[fullofregrets]

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts.

OP-yanbu.I know how you feel but I don't let it consume me.
I have 2 lovely(well some of the time)boys.
Growing up all I ever wanted was to be a mother to a daughter.
There are lots of boys on both my side and dh's side.I'm convinced that if I tried for a third I would have a third boy.Now theres nothing wrong with 3 boys at all-of course not-and I'd love them all the same BUT I'm content with my 2 sons and can't really afford a third child so I accept that I will not have a daughter.
Please don't let this get you down.
I always remember a wonderful poster on mumsnet gave a reply to a woman who also pined for a little girl and told her about when she went to a theatre show and sitting next to her was a petite,glamorous,blonde mature lady who apologised in advance as her '3 grown up dc were running late and would disturb them as they'd have to walk past to get to their seats etc'
and 10 minutes later 3 tall,dark and very gorgeous well mannered men apologised to get by and kissed their proud beaming mother on her cheek.
The poster said what she'd do to swap her moaning daughters for those wonderful men in that second
Also OP I think I too wanted a dd as my my dh is an ex rugby player and he loves his sport and I think he was over the moon to have 2 sons so maybe they can share interests etc and I felt that if I could have had a dd I could do 'the girl stuff'.
Funnily enough my eldest son goes to tap and ballet lessons and performs in shows(his choice of course)so like other posters have said you never know even if you did get a dd she could be the ultimate tomboy.
Please be happy with what you have OP you have a wonderful DS who loves you

I don't think there is any point in trying to dictate other people's feelings to them.

You weren't bothered about having a girl. Some people are. They don't think themselves lucky.

People are different to you and want different things.

I don't see a difference between you telling people they should consider themselves lucky whatever gender they have and people telling you that you are unlucky. Both are pushing their own preferences on to other people and wanting everyone to wantthe same as them. That is where a lot of anger comes from.

@Ilove. Please don't apologise, I am an annoying data geek, I know! It drives my mum potty, she spent ages training my dad not to blind her with statistics three times a day and a few years after she got there I got sciencitis and started doing the same.

It is just as bad when men have DSs and have expectations of going to football etc together. The DS isn't necessarily going to be remotely interested.

Who say Im trying to dictate other peoples feelings to them seahouses? And who says I wasnt bothered about not having a girl? You seem to be making an awful lot of assumptions!

I think it's fairly normal to have a preference (for whatever reason) or to have an idea in your head about what your family is going to look like, which may or may not be anything like the reality. When people are so obsessed with it though, or so distressed by having the 'wrong' gender I think there must be something more going on.

In the OPs case as she's mentioned there's maybe a feeling that motherhood and life with a small child is not quite as she imagined, anxiety that something is wrong, comparing with other families etc. And it's tempting to blame all those feelings on 'because I don't have a daughter'?

And to think yourself or anyone lucky just to have healthy children at all is not "pushing a preference" on anyone - its just a simple fact given some people cant have chidlren and some people lose children.

Duckdodgers, you said:

'Peopel should think themselves lucky to have healthy chidlren, regardless of gender.'

They often don't. I don't think there is any point telling them they should consider themselves lucky. I think it is rather harsh in the context of this thread.

I don't have a problem with people considering themselves 'lucky' to have a son or daughter or whatever, would be furious with anyone saying 'oh what a shame' in response to a pregnancy or birth because the baby happens to be a boy though . That is an incredibly rude, ignorant and hateful thing to say.

See when I got pregnant a number of people said to me 'you'd better have a girl, you're so girly you won't know what to do with a boy.'
And that has stuck in my little brain. I also had several people ask me immediately after having DS when i was 'trying again' for a DD. Not nice really.

SeaHorse-but what is the alternative to tell OP?I for one would have loved to have a dd but I don't and probably never will.
Sometimes you have to be content with what you have.Sure we all want things our way but that isn't life is it?

I agree Ephiny. It seem to be a fairly common experience unfortunately for people to feel they can comment on pregnancy in all manner of personal ways - over gender, complications, birth spacing, number of children, wealth and so on.

I also agree that part of the OP's situation is the age of her child. A lot of people do find it difficult at around that age, and it can take a while for a child to develop into the kind of personality that I think the OP is really hoping for, but it does come, for boys and girls.

It seems more common/acceptable for some reason as well to 'commiserate' someone on having a boy, rather than a girl. Maybe the other way round from the way it was in past centuries, not really much better though. It's like some people really think that being a boy is a bad thing, having a baby boy is like a second-best (not that the OP is saying this, but it's the impression you get from some people sometimes).

I'd love to have a little boy, personally when I imagine my future child for some reason it's always a boy (maybe because I grew up with brothers?). So I guess it's natural to have a particular image in your mind, I would be delighted to have either boy or girl though.

I don't know JC. That is one of the hardest questions in the world to answer isn't it? How to be content with what you have, particularly if it isn't a question of material things, but a question of people to love.

It is like telling people to be content with having lost contact with a parent, or never having met a partner, or never having had a sister, or never having had nephews and nieces.

I don't think you can just 'get over it' or feel lucky. I think you learn to live with it, and certainly I think people should make the most of the relationships they do have, but I don't think that makes it possible for them to 'feel lucky' for not having had an additional relationship that they really wanted.

I've been trying to work these things out in my own life. I would have liked more children, and I'm not going to be able to have more, so perhaps now that my youngest is starting secondary school, I'll look at working with younger children. That was suggested to me with a neighbour after I said how sad I was not to be having more. I don't think people telling me to think myself lucky I had two would have been helpful really.

ephiny I was so stunned I didnt know what to say! It was horrible and made me feel bad for initially wanting a girl when I found out I was pregnant.

OP I totally agree that its other peoples ignorant and horrible comments that can contribute to how we feel. No its not nice just to have a healthy baby boy and to be asked when you are goign to try again for a girl, as if ahving a DS is some sort of consolation prize.

And I still dont think saying people should feel lucky to have a child regardless of gender is dictating how people should think, sorry. I may have wanted a girl on my 3rd pregnancy but I got a boy - who I adore with all my heart and I dont feel I have missed out on anything. Thats the difference between unresolved feelings and coming to terms with them.

Dudkdodgers, I think you just find it hard to make a distinction between how you feel and how other people feel. You working out that you have not missed out anything is you resolving your feelings. Other people have different feelings.

I can assure you seahouses I have no problems making any distinctions about how I and others feel. At no point have I said others feelings arent real or valid to them either. Because unresolved feelings aurrounding gender can cause misery and heartbreak, not just for the person themselves but obviously for the child or children that do exist, all while Mum is hankering after a child that doesnt.

Duckdodgers, as we constantly seem to be thinking that each other has said something we haven't said, it might be better to accept we are talking at cross purposes and leave it at that.

I do think that some women are missing out by now having a girl, or not having a boy, or by not having four kids, or by not having three kids, or by not having twins and so on. Realising they are not missing out does not resolve the issue for them, because they actually are missing out; it would simply be a delusion for them to pretend otherwise. Some women of course are not missing out, and it does resolve the issue for those women to realise that.

Fullofregrets - I have skimmed through the thread and do not propose to get into a debate about gender, sex, raising children, societal norms and expectations or Freud.

All I will say, that doesn't appear to be mentioned on this thread, is whether it is a possibility for you, if you want a girl so badly, to go to a country where gender selection through IVF is a possibility, as it is in the United States? I have no idea of the cost - I would imagine a signficant amount of money. But at least then, you can be sure that the embryo/embryos implanted will be female.

Some people may find such an idea abhorrent. I personally would have no issue with it if I were to want a particular sex.

Just to be really pedantic; going back to a comment on (I think), page 9.

Down syndrome is not a disease.

Thank you, that is all.

I put that right at the time, if you read the following comment-just a mistake, I think faster than I type.

full of regrets I feel your pain. Nothing will take it away, I'm afraid.
But love your DS anyway and try not to grieve too much for what you are missing.

Ah ok exotic, I did read the following comments but must have missed it.

You cannot change your feelings if they are influenced by your irrational beliefs. And that's what people try to tackle when they talk about this issue : the belief that a daughter definitely will be different from a son, that the things you fear happening in a relationship with a son definitely will happen. That you definitely will have a closer relationship with an adult daughter.

I can have a lot of sympathy for feelings, but you need to examine where the beliefs underlying those feelings come from, and whether they are rational or not.

Sorry, I just get so sad that people get the precious gift of a perfect DC and then are sad because it wasn't what they wanted, when they knew to start with that it was only going to be 50/50. I have 3DSs and if I had a 4th it would still be 50/50.